Jeez, who’s the Exec. Producer this series, Valerie Solanas?
We open with the spotlight on
noted magician, “Dynamo”. I’m presuming the name is ironic, given that I’ve never seen a human being move his face less on this show ever. Not even Lulu. Maybe they go to the same hairdressers. Between the awkward
slightly affronted impassivity and the purpose the pro-dances have served this series, I’m half surprised this isn’t some sort of wedding ceremony for him and Aliona. They’d be so well suited. I think her working actual magic tricks into her Avant-Garde & Artistic Choreography would be the last little push that would send me over the edge into actually wanting her back.
Anyway, Dynamo wanders around impressing the pros with
“ZOMG CARDS!” as the band play some Basement Jaxx. Sadly not “Where’s Your Head At?”. Seriously at points Aliona reaches
Jessica Robinson levels of facial overplaying. I really do think they’d make a lovely couple. A magician just won Dancing With The Stars : Australia producers (beating DIRTY RINGAH Tina Arena in the final), get on it. He could have a journey of learning to not look like he’s hating every single second. The rest of the routine is the usual overproduced mess, although it is notable for
Anton’s Crap Latin becoming text rather than subtext for the first time ever in an actual dance, with him doing a crummy solo and Aliona, Janette and Karen booing him off. Poor Anton. His Erin never would have let that happen. Oh, and make-up appear to have styled Janette as
mid-90s Lesley Josephs which…is a look I guess.
It all ends with Dynamo wandering back on awkwardly to pull the one you were all thinking of earlier out of a veritable jizz-spurt of flying cards.
Look at her face. It must be love. Strictly Champions 2014 plz.
Speaking of a love that will echo down through the ages (until your contract doesn’t get renewed again) it’s
the last night for these two lovebirds. Because obviously in the FINAL you need someone to spice up the Results by running at all the losers waving a broom yelling “BACK OFF!”, or periodically forgetting where you are and mistakenly announcing Scooch as the winners of Strictly Come Dancing 2013. Will Claudia ever do anything as memorably awful as turning to the deranged pro who’s just won after 6 long series of getting progressively more insane and yelling “YOU’RE DANISH! I LOVE YOUR BACON!”. No, she won’t.
Anywho, Tess thanks all the professional dancers and also MAGICIAN SUPERSTAR DYNAMO. It then turns out that oh no Craig isn’t in his seat where can he be oh the humanity. Claudia though slyly grins that Dynamo taught her a thing or two before he left, at which point Craig
APPEARS through a jet of smoke. Claudia in fact magic’d up two jets of smoke. You can see where the other one appeared via careful study of Len’s facial expression. Once all the judges are manifest, Tess reminds us that tonight’s the night when you’ll work out who’s in the final of Strictly 2013, and who’s going home (if you’re a bit slow and haven’t already worked out it’s Patrick). Tess tells us that we’ll also be enjoying performances tonight from the World Showdance(/Vagina Powerlifting) Champions
(Claudia’s face says it all) and also Celine Dion will be “belting out her latest hit”. I know it’s the semi-finals and we’re all pretty much committed now but jeez, try to make it all sound a bit more appealing.
But first…the gossip.
Those of you who accuse Susanna of constantly preternaturally seeking the camera like a homing cruise missile think on :
the hairdresser’s proper having to yank her here to help her find it.
She was also having trouble finding
Kevin’s “on-switch”. Not the best of weeks for ol’ Susanna it has to be said
Natalie was very much still
FEELING TRULY ALIVE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME EVER backstage after her dance. Maybe it’s just the comedown from the painkillers.
Patrick on the other hand was very much wondering
when he was going to be able to wake up and just go to work by Tube, rather than having Anya turn up to drive him in her cartoon Pumpkin Coach, driven by Anya and pulled cute lemon-coloured ponies with ribbons in their hair who sing songs about finding your true love, and accompanied by adorable twittering bluebirds. Soon, he hopes.
Sophie thinks the best feeling is when you see the audience on their feet after a dance. Well she might think that, as she’s received more standing ovations than anyone else this series. (Yes I kept the spreadsheet going).
Susanna and Kevin both say “you’re amazing” a LOT.
Based on the current increase in bra-size,
I’m starting to think Erin might not be the only pro who’s currently up the duff.
Sophie’s celebration for her first 10 of the series were
less exuberant than you might expect of, say, a Susanna or an Ashley. Also Brenda is a little teapot short and stout, there is his handle and there is his spout.
It turns out that Greg undoing an extra button last week was in fact his parting gift to me, as he is off tending to his new-born. I wish I could say it wasn’t enough but…it so was.
And now for our last two Safety Sex-Faces of the series :
The vote opens tomorrow for the preliminary rounds. Vote early, vote Deborah (or, you know, whoever. I think it’s been a vintage year). This means that our first couple in the dance-off are
these two. What a surprise.
Once they’re over at Tess, she asks him what’s going through his head at this point in time. Patrick replies that it’s
“let’s get on with it, what are we waiting for?”. Speaking for us all there I feel, but sadly we’ve got half an hour of Len’s Glans and Celine Dion before the end. Tess asks him which dance he’d like to reprise (ooh, they’ve not done this before) and he says he’d like to do the waltz again, please. Tess then asks Craig how Patrick can secure a place in the final and
I imagine that it’d take at least 6 months of hormone therapy and a major operation before that ever happened, but Craig tells him to drive more and keep things smooth.
Up to Claud 9 now where
Brenda looks genuinely excited to be in the final. This is of course in direct contrast to his reaction to the last final reveal he was part of :
At this point Abbey won’t stop squealing like she’s 6 years old and practising her best “a bad stranger just asked if I wanted a sweetie” routine for her mum, so Claudia turns to Sophie first who is, of course, far more level-headed about things. She says that she’s lost for words and really surprised. Claudia then accuses Brenda of crying and of course he’s all “NO, I’M NOT, I WOULD NEVER” about it. This is kind of why I want Brenda to win most of all the pros. I think the meltdown would be spectacular. It’d make Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar Speech look demure. Of course the very mention of crying means that Abbey is
rhummy-eyed and slumped on Aljaz by the time Claudia turns back around. I’ve a feeling Abbey is very easily…emotionally influenced. She splutters again that she doesn’t want to be in the final next week because SHE DOESN’T WANT IT TO END. Claudia says she’ll ask Evil Moira Ross (in a rainbow wig) if they can drag it out for another week. As much as I’ve enjoyed this series…please God no. Claudia then asks Aljaz how he feels, brand new, body parts just assembled in the lab yesterday, in the final, and even Aljaz is crying at this point. Good grief. The YEAR OF THE WOMAN really is having its effect isn’t it? The final should be sponsored by Kleenex. Especially if Greg comes back.
To stem the flow, Claudia says that here to inspire the couples for next week’s Showdances are this year’s Showdance Champions. You can almost
see Snowdance 2 born on Sophie’s face in this very instance. DON’T DO IT SOPHIE! DON’T DO IT!
Their names are Craig and Micheline. Here are their most Showdancey Moments
Seriously. Sophie. No. Although part of me would find it hilarious if she came out and actually DID do something of that…standard perfectly. If only because I think her husband would actually explode. Because seriously, you can’t do any of that “without touching my wife”.
Once that’s over, it’s time for our last round of Len’s Glans
as they officially run out of funny things for him to do during the intro. We start with a little moment of Bruno, per Claudia
going down for a knighthood. Well…that’s the family friendly interpretation of it, and she’s sticking to it. Bruno explains that Bruce is the closest this show has to royalty. At least until Princess Anne does the show next year (please). The first to be covered is Patrick’s paso, and Claudia protests that she doesn’t understand why Len told him off for the lack of shaping because
this looks pretty much like shaping to her. If the shapes are the same ones being formed by that guy signing at Nelson Mandela’s funeral during a schizophrenic episode. Len for some reason feels the need to get up and demonstrate to Claudia why she is wrong, via the means of DEMONSTRATION as
Darcey joins in behind him. Craig doesn’t, presumably because Len’s already had his testicular exam this month. Darcey is next asked to explain why Sophie’s lifts were so amazing – it was because there were no signs of effort, and also no sickling of the feet. Of course we all know that if there HAD been sickling of the feet in the lifts, Darcey would have had no option but to mark her down to a 10. That’s just how it work – she don’t make the rules.
Next it’s Craig’s turn for a clip, which Claudia introduces by saying that she knows that Craig hates to score anybody higher than 2. If only, this series. I still crave that 1 paddle. The context of this is that Craig gave a 10 this weekend, and again it was for the salsa, and again it was kind of an anti-climax. But let’s keep on pretending Craig’s 10-paddle is somehow special and anticipated, let’s. Craig explains that Natalie got a 10 because she was so sexy and exciting that
a paparazzi spontaneously ran onto the floor during the routine to try to get an upskirt. Cheeky bugger. Oh, and she spotted in her spins. Yup, sounds worthy of a 10 to me.
We close on a clip of the judges having GENUINE FUN during the “Keeeep Dancing!” bit.
GENUINE FUN (and Len). And…that’s it for Len’s Glans. Remember the year when we closed with a 5 minute highlight reel of Claudia saying “The Grant” over and over again? That was a low wasn’t it? Did anyone else EVER call him “The Grant”? No. No they did not.
Time now for the reveal of who is safely through to the final, and who must pick up the sword of Amazonia and smite the last remaining man with righteous fury, sealing this forever as the YEAR OF THE WOMAN.
Oh what a surprise, it’s Natalie. This marks yet another FULL LEADERBOARD PLUNGE, making this the first series where we’ve had two since Bunto did it twice in a row all on her own in Series 4. Between Natalie, Patrick, and Abbey, it’s been a very busy series for people having to go into the next week knowing they’re the least popular person remaining. (I’ll be charitable and assume Abbey knew. She was best friends with a MATHS GENIUS after all). Once they’re over, Tess indeed points out to Natalie that she’s just done a FULL LEADERBOARD PLUNGE and
Natalie looks super-pleased for the reminder thanks Tess. She smiles that every chance to dance is a privilege. LOL, you can tell she’s been rehearsing that line for a while. Tess asks her which dance she’ll be reprising and she says she’ll be doing the Argentine Tango. Tess yells that this was NATALIE’S LOWEST SCORING DANCE, so this is a BRAVE MOVE (lol no it isnt). Darcey agrees that Natalie is so admirable, and so so brave.
Up to Claud 9 now again and
Sophie and Abbey are presumably here, still hovering around, so the good burghers of Digital Spy don’t throw a shitfit over how SUSANNA IS GETTING AN INTERVIEW WITH CLAUDIA ALL TO HERSELF RIGHT BEFORE THE FINAL OH MY GOD BBC DO YOU THINK WE ARE STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID IT’S SO RIGGED! Susanna of course gushes that it’s all so amazing and thrilling and perfect as
Kevin picks at his nails. Mindful that she’s not paying Kevin From Grimsby the full STAH STATUS he warrants, Claudia grins that his reaction to getting through was so adorable, and Kevin just giggles that he’s glad that he didn’t shave his chest for nothing. Yes Kevin, I’m sure it made all the difference.
Next up, with her new afro-jazz direction it’s
LOL, just kidding, it’s the same old stuff. She’s also miming and not doing a terribly good job of looking like she’s even bothering to try hiding it. At some point Aliona and Artem come out and
waft and paw at one another to their hearts’ content, bless them. You can tell she’s thinking of Dynamo the whole time.
Next we get a little clip reminding us what the last three months have been all about.
Winning this. To be fair, you also get the fringe benefit of getting to act like you know what you’re talking about when you appear on the Friday Panel in three series time. Such riches man could hardly dream of.
Finally, filler all but done, we’re back on Claud 9 with the couples in danger
and Claudia turning to Patrick and saying that it’s finally here, after those 30 minutes of frantic padding. He’s finally at the bit where he gets to do a dance again and go home! Patrick is thrilled.
It’s been like when those last few sacrifices actively HURL themselves into the volcano, being glad that they’re getting to play their part in the grand scheme of things. Tess turns to him and tells him that she’s go glad to have seen him blossom as a dancer over the last few weeks. He’s finally got to dance like his Idol
Jean Kelly. You know, the one who does the ironing backstage. Or at least that’s what they told Tess. (I’ve not picked on Tess’ Dress tonight, specifically because it’s her last night with Claudia but please be aware that it has not gone unnoticed).
Patrick says that he’s had a great time, and that Anya Garnis is a wonderful dancer and a brilliant choreographer. He also says that where he’s REALLY had the most fun is the training room – the show itself has been a bit of a letdown to be honest. Anya then tries to return the favour and tell Patrick that he is a true artist and her inspiration, but the audience clap right over the top of it all bless her. Poor Anya. I get the impression that, come September 2014, there will be a lot of “…now which one was she again? Was she the one that was with that fashion gay?” amongst the audience.
After we get his Best Bits (?) it’s time for the saddest goodbye of the series so far
So emotional. I’m tearing up.