So they did it. They pulled it off. The heist is a success. After three months, eleven eliminations and more substandard tangos than I’d ever care to sit through ever again, the YEAR OF THE WOMAN reaches its logical end with Strictly’s very first ever all-female, vaginacentric, totally XX finale. Patrick meets his sweetly triumphant end at the hands of Natalie Gumede who, apparently determined to make me love her at the very last minute, decides to do her Argentine Tango in the dance-off rather than her salsa, even though it scored lower. Obviously it’s a decision with even less jeopardy than whether Ola decides to show 80% of her boobs in a samba or just a mere 75% but I appreciate it all the same. This cements my voting plan for the final – I’m voting for Natalie until she finishes 4th and I cuss you all out for preferring Abbey, and then voting for Sophie until she finishes 2nd and I cuss you all out for preferring Susanna.
Or you know, whatever happens.
Also happening is a pro-dance revolving around Dynamo looking even more uncomfortable to be cast on the show than Jessie Wallace did; Celine Dion miming and not even trying to hide it, not even a little bit; no backstage footage of Greg because APPARENTLY HIS GIRRRRRRRRRRRRLFRRRRRRRRRRRIEND HAS JUST HAD A BABY OR SOMETHING MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS; the World Showdance Champions hopefully not (or hopefully, depending on your perspective) inspiring Brenda via the medium of hurling one another at the ceiling; and of course Len’s Glans, as irrelevant and pointless as ever.
Have a poll.