Robbie, Nicky, and now Ashley. The curse of the 6th place sort-of-hunks with the sort-of-unisex names CONTINUES.
We open with our Pro Dance and
YOU FIRED HER, BUT SHE WON’T GO, SHE’S ALIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONA!
Yes that’s right, this entire pro-dance, to “Titanium”, is apparently a tribute to Aliona. She gets the spotlight
she gets the wind machines, she gets the
Alionaesque tortured custard choreography, she gets the
show-off lifts, she gets the
other female pros as her woo-woo girls, she gets
all of the hunks (and Anton) but
SHE DON’T NEED THEM, BECAUSE SHE IS ALIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONA!
Seriously, I like Aliona so much more since she got fired. It’s added so many layers to her Strictly Journey. Mostly bitter ones (THE BEST KIND!). By the standards of this year’s pro-dances this was quite fun and also I have to give her props for providing for Lovely Shem, last seen serving the drinks on Erin Island in yellow budgie smugglers. I can’t imagine Erin pays a living wage.
Once she’s done scooping up the bouquets of roses and sundry other tributes, the theme music starts and
no really, it’s like a progressive New Jersey high-school just elected its first pair of Prom Queens isn’t it? Tess welcomes us to Strictly’s Sunday Night Results Show and somewhere Lynne Truss has a coronary. Good. Claudia thanks “our brilliant dancers” for that performance, like you could see any of them around Aliona thrashing around working every last inch of that last-minute contract she had written up.
We’re further reminded that later on, we will bear witness to the Dance-Off, which will see one couple eliminated. Part of me kind of wishes they were going to reprise their Swingathong routines, just to make sure the judges are EXTRA SPECIALLY CLEAR about how Patrick did so much better in it than Ashley did. Anyway, the decision as to who will be saved will be made, as ever, by
three of these people. After which the fourth one will throw a piss-fit about being denied his jelly & ice-cream.
Oh yeah, and The Saturdays will be here. My favourite thing about The Saturdays is that one of them is almost a clear decade older than all of the other ones. I call her Granny Saturday.
Now time for the BACKSTAGE GOSSIP!
Len was so excited by the prospect of the Swingathon that he got dressed before leaving the house.
I like the idea that Len usually just turns up nude. And by “like” I mean “EW NO, NURSE, MY EYES! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING”. Although least now we know why they brought it back. Ain’t nobody here to see that.
Abbey’s always the first one to arrive at the studios. Travelling in your husband’s private jet will give you a leg-up over the 8am rush, yes. Ask Holly Valance.
Susanna ate hairspray during hair & make-up. That explains that Argentine Tango.
claimed yet another innocent victim. Who could ever doubt their hypnotic swirling powers?
Backstage, Patrick Robinson caught a glimpse of the last stage of the official YEAR OF THE WOMAN plan, to be targeted at him during the semi-finals next week and it’s
not pretty. Three words : Dummy Dance Returns. And this time they’re
undone a button. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.
Artem thinks their paso doble went great, despite the fact that he and Natalie touched less than Mr & Mrs Howard Hughes. Next week : an Argentine Tango with Natalie out in the car-park.
Abbey Clancy is the only person alive who I think genuinely enjoyed the Swingathon. Bless. Just goes to show that there is truly is (say it/bellow it down your nose with me now) SOMETHIIIIIIIING FOR EVERRRRRRRRYBODDYYYYYY!
Oh, and also I forgot this poll for the Performance Show so you can have it during this pointless recap section :
How remiss of me.
Time for Safety Sex-Faces now, just after Tess tells us that every single couple here wants to be back next week. Makes a change from the last…month or so, when there’s always at least one person on the verge of throwing themselves out a studio window.
These two are pleased though. And the women they’re with as well. As Tess announces that the first person in the dance-off is about to find out who they are
it seems he knows already. Indeed, as the red light goes on he mutters “SHOCK!” and pulls a big comedy face.
I’m surprised he didn’t pretend-faint again.
They wander over to the judges, and Tess’s “YOU SAID…” to Craig sounds even more accusatory than ever. Apparently she wants to know how Ashley can possibly be in the dance-off when Craig said his lifts in the salsa were incredible? Because the public don’t care about lifts, really? The bit where he threw his balls at her chin maybe, but not the rest of them. Craig says that he blames the audience to be honest. All the judges agree that all the contestants are amazing, so it must just be the public vote that’s making the difference.
Anyone want to explain to Craig how the show’s scoring system works again? It looks like he’s forgotten. The points are the same whether there’s a still a Widdy and a Gavbot there or not Craig. Anyway, Craig whitters on that Ashley needs to do his salsa just like he did last time because it was AH-MAY-ZING and Ashley
so isn’t listening. He mutters “thanks” when Craig finishes speaking. Such a Hatemance going on between him and this show right now. Bruno breaks in at this point to give possibly the first actually useful pre dance-off advice ever, informing Ashley that his steps were too large and it was ruining his hip action. Seriously, that’s more useful technical critique than they normally even get during the scoring. Ashley of course, is so over this whole gig, and just snarks “oh I’ll have a quick lesson now then shall I?”. Amazing.
Swiftly up to Claud 9 now before Ashley does a Jan Ravens everywhere, where Claudia is continuing to
get her lezz on, grabbing Sophie and Abbey both firmly by their upper thighs. Sophie does not look ready for this level of experimentation it has to be said. She’s not here to give you FILTHY DIRTY LEZZY INTERVIEWS. Claudia speaks to her first, reminding her that Brenda has been here since the beginning (of time – in the beginning there was the word, and the word was “THISGIRL”) and this is the first time that Claudia thinks she almost saw him cry. I dunno Claud, 5 seconds with Bloody Lulu and he was on the verge. Brenda yomps that he’s SO PROUD OF THIS GIRL RIGHT NOW and Sophie mutters solemnly under her breath that she’s really proud of them both.
Abbey is next to be interviewed, and to be honest I’m not taking any of it in, and not just because Abbey’s occasionally a bit dull, but also because
Claudia full on reaches out and fusses with her hair, without even mentioning that she’s doing it. I swear, her homosexuality is getting OUT OF CONTROL. Did “Blue Is The Warmest Colour” really have this profound an effect on her? Just imagine Abbey said that she NEVER WANTS STRICTLY TO END or ME NEHRRRRRRRRVES or some other such bollocks.
Next up it’s time for the Netto Girls Aloud
singing “What About Us?”. Well exactly. What about you?
Once they’re done, and we’re informed that one of them will doing the Christmas Special (and she was crap the first time she did a Special, so I don’t know why they expect that to have changed) it’s time for
LEN’S GLANS! That’s the only time you’ll see him smile all week.
First to be brought up is the Swingathon, which Claudia says is “incredibly hard work for the judges but great fun for the public to watch”. I’m thinking Claudia’s script got backwards somewhere there. Bad monkeys. Most pertinent apparently for discussion is the only bit that I’m sure almost everyone can agree on in terms of finishing position.
“WHY DID NATALIE WIN?”. Apparently she won because she was better than everyone else was. Good to know. Personally I want to see the face Susanna was pulling at that moment, because her body language is already giving me life. As compensation, here’s Brenda’s a few seconds later.
Next up, Len wants to demonstrate why Ashley’s hip action is so bad, using himself as a comparison.
What a thrill. Apparently, as Craig mentioned on the performance show, he’s fine going from side-to-side though, because, as Len says, “that’s not a problem for anybody”. Unless they think it’s immoral obviously, WIDDY. Bruno further explains that Ashley’s massive strides don’t give the motion enough time to travel all the way up his body, because by the time he’s shifted his weight, it’s past time to move on to the next step. Well, now I’m learning. This will never do.
Claudia says it’s time to talk about Patrick and Anya next. Darcey palpably TWITCHES as she says this.
Claudia asks Darcey why it got a 10, and if it might be because of the effect she was talking about in her comments, where it felt like there was nobody else in the room. I do think she was probably exaggerating a bit for effect there Claudia. If Darcey had actually felt like the only person in the room whilst watching that dance, I’m sure the Rampant Rabbit would have been out her handbag for a start. Anyway, Darcey whitters on about how beautiful and intense and erotic it was. We follow this with Bruno being asked why he gave Abbey a 10. Somehow he manages to not say “because she’s a model” and instead talks about all the changes of hold that took place in her Viennese Waltz. Good to know.
Next to be discussed is Sophie’s Tango, as Claudia announces that we ALL KNOW THAT THE CHOREOGRAPHY WAS FABULOUS, OBVIOUSLY, BRENDA DID IT, ISN’T HE AMAZING? but apparently there were some technical faults? Craig gets to weigh in on this one, saying that for once there wasn’t ENOUGH space between the pair of them in ballroom. Sophie should have been leaning much further away from Brenda. But THE CHOREOGRAPHY AND STORY-TELLING WAS AMAZING, AS ALWAYS. Well thank goodness we got that clear. It might not have sunk in the first 150 times it was said.
After we’re done, Claudia tells us that if we want even more backstage footage than the pointless 5 minute gossip round-up can give us, then we should all go to the website for exclusive pictures.
Oh look, they’ve photoshopped Craig’s face out somehow. The magic of television.
Time for one paltry Safety Sex-Face now
Only two more til Christmas. Susanna holds that pose for a good 10 seconds or so by the way, as Kevin squats and gasps around like Mr Motivator’s Christmas Workout. Showing far more body control than she did in her Argentine Tango there. This leaves Natalie and Patrick waiting to see who has done a FULL LEADERBOARD PLUNGE.
I guess given that we’re not going to get a ZOMGSHOCKBOOT this series, it’ll just have to do. This also confirms incidentally that we’ll have at least one woman make the final without having ever been in the bottom two. Only one in all of the first seven series, and now at least 5 in the last four. ALL HAIL EVIL MOIRA ROSS! ERA OF THE (LESS HATED) WOMEN!
Patrick wanders over to Tess who, like a pitbull, goes straight for Darcey, asking her how surprised she is that Patrick is in the Bottom Two. Darcey just mutters that she’s shocked. Horribleh horribleh shocked. Like she’s in a Noel Coward play. How can the
ovary voters have let her down? She says that Patrick got really lost in his role (of standing there looking a bit annoyed as Anya thrashed around like a porn star) and is a TRUE PROFESSIONAL. She just doesn’t understand it.
We swiftly run off to Claud 9 before Darcey hangs herself for a light fitting,
and Claudia interviews Susanna first, asking her if she’s shocked not to be in the Dance-Off. Susanna replies that she was really sad after the Argentine Tango, because she’d really FELT THE PASSION and according to the judges that hadn’t come across, so she’d really liked to have done it again. Yeah, no, I’m good thanks. She then says that she wants to go round to the house of everybody who voted for her and thank them personally. I…honestly can’t think of anything that would put me off voting for someone more than the thought of them knocking at my door with a big tray of cupcakes and a deranged grin on their face. Claudia finally congratulates Kevin on being a semi-finalist in his first series, and Kevin replies that he never realised it’d be this intense.
So I’m guessing he found the little present Brenda left for him in his dressing-room then? Claudia apologises for not putting a warning on his contract. To be fair, the one about Evil Moira Ross (in a rainbow wig) owning his soul forever does take up most of the space.
Claudia then asks Natalie if Len saying she was in jeopardy made her think she was in jeopardy. Natalie’s all “sure, why not?”. As Claudia closes by throwing to those always fun VTs of the celebs talking about how much they want to stay on the show just before one of them suffers DEATH BY DANCE-OFF, that I thought we’d got rid of but APPARENTLY NOT, Susanna
full on grabs her by the arm, and starts caressing the inside of her elbow. Bloody hell. They’re all at it now.
After we live through a montage of Ashley’s greatest knee-slides,
and Patrick trying to emote for the cameras (always awkward) it’s back once more to Claud 9 for one last interview. Claudia asks Ashley if there’s any part of him that’s excited about getting to do his dance again and Ashley says yes
his middle finger as he waves it in all the judges faces as he goes past, yelling “35 THIS MOTHERF******!”. This bit was edited out of the live broadcast. As they head off, Claudia asks Patrick if being top of the leaderboard gives him any confidence going into the dance-off?
Because it should. He’s saved by Craig, Darcey and Bruno as Ashley pulls “blow-job-cheek” face. Len meanwhile is
pulling what I can only describe, even in this week of all weeks, as his most terrifying face ever. He looks like he’s auditioning for the role of some sort of Satanic Pope in Game Of Thrones. As the other judges and the audience give Ashley a standing ovation on his way out, Len remains FIRMLY plonked in his seat and starts yelling about how this is a TRAVESTY because Patrick done a HEEL LEAD IN THE RUMBA and also even though Ashley forgot to do a lift they WOULDN’T HAVE KNOWN THAT IF THEY HADN’T SEEN HIM DANCE IN THE MAIN SHOW.
Jeez, who pissed in his chips?
Having been denied the opportunity to go full “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY CRRRRRRRRRRRRAIG!” axe-crazy via Len gazzumping him, Ashley just gives a muted and complimentary farewell to everyone who works on the show and his Ola
and the Hypnoboobs. THANKS FOR RUINING IT LEN. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. That could have been a rant for the ages.