So let’s run through the boring old regular dances as quickly as possible yes? We all know what tonight was about.
Ashley starts off with a very energetic, very sloppy salsa, the clear highlight of which is when he launches his dick at Ola’s face from a standing start. It (duh) nets him 35 for the fifteenth week in a row, a fact about which he is clearly very much Not. Happy. We don’t often get celebrities going rogue and calling the whole show out on its bullshit these days, but Ashley is so very close that I kind of want him to stay just for that alone, getting ever more ratty and ever more bratty as is barely dragged through yet another week. Patrick too is on personality-fire tonight (for a change) by turns mocking and sassing and ignoring the judges all the way through the critique for his BlokeRumba which, as is usual, ends up looking like he’s trying to keep Anya safe during a particularly flamboyant epileptic fit on her part. The male judges decide it is too raunchy/aggressive/basic but DARCEY DOESN’T CARE, and she gifts him the first BlokeRumba 10 EVAH. 10 years of waiting for…that. Doesn’t really feel worth it, does it? I bet Matt Baker broke something.
The ladies? Artem decides to hit the very worst of both worlds in his choreography for Natalie’s paso doble by deciding he’s going to “please Len” ie make it boring. Sadly he ends up not pleasing Len one whit, as he decides that there wasn’t enough paso doble in the dance, this being one of the very few times Len cares about Latin leaving both the public and the judgery feeling slightly empty. First her tango, now this. Abbey of course, as was always written in the stars, produces a Viennese Waltz with much more drama and excitement and beauty than that mess she did last week, and winds up scoring 3 points lower. Although, whatever, she stole both Kelly Brook’s music (“Delilah”) and dance gimmick (“being a bitch”) so I have limited pity. This just leaves a pair of tangos – a poppy one with Sophie where Brendan has choreographed Sophie as a mannequin and himself as Andrew McCarthy, and in which she ironically enough produces her most animated performance yet, and an even poppier Argentine one with Susanna. It’s Michael Jackson themed. It starts with her stroking her shoes and involves a lot of Kevin leaning at funny angles whilst she stomps around looking disgruntled. It is NOT GOOD. It also gets by far the loudest audience reception of the night. Sometimes this show confuses me.
So yes, that’s all the boring NORMAL dances out of the way, it’s time for the joys of the controversy-in-a-can SWINGATHONG. 12 people hurling one another round and screaming for 120 seconds, with the camera being far more active than any of them, a veritable forest of limbs and gurns and the judges waving paddles around. It’s absolutely impossible to tell who is good and who is bad but LORD KNOWS everyone on twitter will tell you otherwise and that there was SO MUCH RIGGAGE. Frankly I’m grateful for the screaming controversy because the thing itself is as ever an utter pig to watch. Natalie wins, Patrick finishes runner-up, Sophie does better than anyone would have predicted, but the most exciting thing that happens is Susanna going out first and screaming something that sounds very much like “FUCK!” and Ashley going out second and looking like he’s full of so many more swearwords than just that.
Will Ashley survive to hate the whole show another day? Only time will tell…