This week’s sole voter revealed
We open, somewhere in Milton Keynes as Janette takes to the stage and discovers that sales to her one woman show “RAH RAH MANRARA : feat. JANETTE MANRARA : STAR OF STRICTLY COME DANCING 2013” have
not met expectations.
Oh alright, not really, it’s a group dance tribute to the musical “Fame”, as the music starts and Janette
BURSTS INTO FLAME and suddenly audience members appear in every single seat in the audience. I think the people who still drive themselves into conniptions over the BBC “pretending” the Sunday Show is live all just spontaneously combusted after spluttering “OH, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE JUST MAGICALLY APPEARED IN THEIR SEATS? WE’RE NOT STUPID YOU KNOW!”, so we will never have to hear their awful whining ever again (LOL not really, I’m sure they will all continue to haunt us from beyond the grave).
Anyway, obviously everyone is dancing around and erm
Janette’ing themselves to “Fame”, rather than, say “Hot Lunch Jam” or “I Sing The Body Electric” or “Dogs In The Yard” or any other songs from that fine fine film. As it’s generic 80s jazz choreography time everyone’s sliding around the floor and randomly
just JUMPING (Pasha’s ikkle face <3) and it’s kind of hard to tell what’s going on, but who doesn’t love singing along with Fame? I know I do! FAME! Also?
Iveta in a headband. Good job.
You know, comparatively to most of the pro-routines this series.
Once everything’s been cleared away, Tess and Claudia wander out
mugging that OH NO, THEY’VE JUST MISSING BEING INCLUDED IN THE ROUTINE. Given the general level of choreographical difficulty, I’m sure they could have done something. Skidded round the floor on their bum or done a jump. Hey, if they can find space for Anton…
Claudia reminds us that 7 couples took to the floor for Musicals Week, but there’s only room for 6 couples in the Swingamajig Round so we have to cut Mark & Iveta (OR, YOU KNOW, WHOEVER) at the end of tonight’s show. Are you sure Claudia? The only interesting part of the Swingmahdick is watching to see if someone gets “accidentally” kicked in the face. Squeeze another couple in and you increase the chance of it happening exponentially! Making the decision to eliminate Mark & Iveta (OR WHOEVER) are these four.
Darcey having come as the colour of fondant there. Also? More popera and Len’s Glans. The joy.
But before all that, it’s time for all the backstage gossip that I’ve made up because the actual stuff is dead boring and just Abbey talking about her NYERRRRRRRRRRVES and that :
Confirming his reputation as the only judge that anybody really listens to, Craig apparently started a trend backstage for
unnecessary hip surgery.
For Musicals Week, Susanna is getting “luvvie” and “jazz-hands”. Makes a change.
Patrick would give Musicals Week “9.5 out of 10”. For his lack of gushing positivity about the GREATEST WEEK OF STRICTLY EVER, he is promptly taken out back and shot.
Ashley didn’t enjoy his magic carpet ride
any more in rehearsals than he did on the night.
Sophie thinks that walking across the dancefloor when she’s not dancing is REALLY NAUGHTY. Of course she does.
Anton and Brenda are
basically the Old Married Couple of Strictly. Bless.
Nothing to do with backstage, but please read this, as it is amazing on every level.
Greg thinks that nobody listens to him any more. I listen Greg.
Maybe a little too much.
Incidentally, this is Sophie being “naughty” and walking across the floor when she’s not supposed to.
Such a nerd.
Musical theatre is Craig’s JAHHHHHHHHHHHNRUH. And don’t you forget it?
Artem is a bit over having a partner who cries even more than he does.
Either that or he’s checking out her jugs. Who can say?
really really hopes that the Danish Royal Family doesn’t notice that break-in any time soon…
Abbey was gobsmacked that she got four 10s. Write your own punchline.
Time for some Safety Sex-Faces now
Ever fewer. Ever fewer. Patrick weighing the average down doesn’t help either. Our first couple in danger are
kind of amused by it, as they have been the last two times. They stump over to Tess, who asks Bruno what Mark can do in the dance-off to survive, and Bruno replies that he needs to try to get more bounce into it, and be a bit lighter on his feet.
Mark and Iveta reply
“LOL whatever, we’re going home, let’s do the dinosaur”.
Up to Claud 9 now, where our safe couples are waiting, with Anya pulling a particularly
“Julie Walters as Mrs Overall” puffed-out cheeks face over it. I think Anya may well be the most innocent human being ever to appear on this show. And I’m including the newborns of BABY WARZ in that. Watching them try to make her be sarcastic for Patrick’s pre dance Comedy VT was like someone trying to teach a spaniel Esperanto. Claudia smiles to her about her IKKLE FACE when Patrick was revealed as safe and she
literally giggles like a geisha. Tess tells her that she thought Anya might actually explode and then she…giggles again. I’m so sad she and Pasha split up. They are MFEO and I ship them for lyfe. Claudia next asks Patrick if his week could possibly get any better and then Patrick says he’s overwhelmed and can’t think of anything to say and Claudia’s all
“oh great, I am legitimately in an interview where Princess Giggleboobs is the most intriguing option, great”. She asks her if she’s worried about the swingathing and Anya says she’s going to take one dance at a time. And then giggles.
She next turns to Abbey to squeal about her perfect score.
Abbey says she’s really surprised she got such high marks. Again – same punchline you used last time. We’ll make a blogger of you yet.
Next up :
Alfie Boe. I can’t stand Les Mis, and Alfie Boe sings this song (“Bring Him Home”) a LOT, so
here’s a picture of Kevin and Karen doing their pro dance/forgetting where they left their car keys and let’s just move on shall we? I will say in Alfie Boe’s defence, that none of his backing women look like they hate him, unlike Andre Rieu’s Smugface Orchestra.
Time now for Len’s Glans, and as Bruno enters he pays tribute to
Artem’s ever varied and inventive American Smooth choreography. Every series a different waft. Dress up as a swan and it’s Holly Valance. We start with
another shot of Ashley HATING EVERY SECOND of demeaning himself on that flying carpet. None of the judges discuss it, I just want to live it again. *takes it in* Sigh.
We start in actual Roundtable news with “the most stunning spin on the night”. Is it the judges justification of giving Abbey 40? NO. It’s
Craig fart-arseing around as the Phantom Of The Hip-Opera. As part of Claudia’s continued adventures in naming things incorrectly, she yells “PIVOT! PIVOT! PIVOT!” as the clip plays. Len and Bruno screech with laughter and take the piss and call Craig Norma Desmond. Darcey, as ever
does absolutely nothing. Craig blushes about how mortifying it all is. It’s still less tragic than when you were the Tin Man Craig, don’t worry.
First up amongst the actual dancers is Natalie’s American Smooth, as we are invited to watch the foxtrot portion of their foxtrot-based dance.
And there it goes again. Len grunts on for a good minute about how he is a traditionalist and a throwback and a doyenne of the Rule Book and seriously Len, give it a 5 or shut up. I’m not here for these piddly controversies any more. Next up, Darcey wants to talk about how sensual and fluid and sexy Ashley was
lol no he wasn’t
We follow this madness with further insanity – Bruno trying to justify Abbey’s score.
They are very much taking the “she really stands out from the pro-dancers” line to its extreme, whilst of course neglecting to mention that
- She’s in the middle
- She’s in the middle at the front
- She’s wearing scarlet red whilst they’re in blacks and greens
- She’s flapping her skirt around like she’s trying to stoke a vagina-fire
- SHE’S ABBEY CLANCY AND WE HAVE NEVER SEEN THE OTHER TWO BEFORE IN THEIR LIVES
Of course Bruno still thinks was all a massive achievement and she should be very proud that she finally nailed the Latin and gave the performance of the night and so on. As if this wasn’t enough being laid on, next Craig is chided for not being more enthusiastic about the fact he was giving his first 10 of the series.
Presumably he should have stood up, vacated his seat, and told Abbey to take over as judge, as there was nothing more that she could be taught. He has attained Strictly Godhood. Now don’t ruin it by pissing off to ITV.
In further Grumpy Craig news, he is asked why he only gave Patrick’s Charleston an 8. He reiterates that he thought the lobster-claw lift was unstable and he was generally a bit flat-footed. Again Bruno and Len hoot and click and cat-call and whine and grizzle and say “EEE DUNT KNOW WHAT EEE’S TAWKIN BAHT” whilst Darcey
does nothing. Oh, no, wait
she wags her finger a bit. I stand corrected.
To close Claudia reminds us that we have the joy of the Swingathon next week. Am I alone in thinking anything ending in “athon” should last more than 2 minutes? Generally? As a rule? Anyway Claudia reiterates that the 6 surviving couples will jig around on the spot for 2 minutes, occasionally doing a lift, then the judges will dole out points based on the usual arbitrary criteria. Nothing interesting will happen, except if Holly Valance turns up to not give a shit again.
Time for another squirt of Safety Sex-Faces.
Only 5 more to go til Christmas. (Dear Leona : please feel free to sing a song about this) Because we’re running low, here’s a bonus one of Artem
that I rejected because really the focus should be on the celebrity. Quite the flibble-face there though on him. Anyway, this leaves Susanna and Ashley waiting to see who is to take a dunk with danger and it’s
these two. Also helping out with the impending Sex-Face Drought a tad.
They wiggle over to the judges, where they are told by Craig that they need to make more hip action in the dance-off. Oh God Craig can we not? Mark’s going home as it is, I’m not sure I need to be emotionally scarred by Ashley making that dance even pornier thank you very much. Tess asks Ashley how he’s feeling and his reply is
“uhhhhhhhhhhUHHHHHHHHHHHHhuhhhhhhuHHHHHHHHHH”. Keep on popping the ProPlus Ashley. Tess asks him if he’s nervous about going on the flying carpet again. I mean…”nervous” would be one word for it.
Claud 9 now and Claudia gushes about how giddy and excited everyone is
full-on ignoring the fact that Susanna looks like she’s just been told that The Easter Bunny isn’t real. She then exclusively revealed that as soon as they all arrived on Claud 9, the three women had a “group cuddle”. I’m sure the cameramen were sad they missed that. We start with Sophie having a mini geekgasm over getting to dance to “Favourite Things” and then we cover how emotional Natalie was over her American Smooth. Natalie gushes that it was the greatest night of her life ever ever ever and she can’t imagine it ever being topped and Brenda pats Artem on the shoulder as if to say
“and I thought I had a nutcase when I was saddled with the Pendledrama”.
Finally, Claudia asks Susanna how on earth she’s going to be able to cope with two dances next week when she has a JOB and BABIES. Susanna says she’ll try to cope, and then randomly launches into a great big thank-you to everyone who voted for her quickstep, because she knows she didn’t dance it perfectly but if it just made ONE PERSON SMILE, then it’s all worthwhile.
Does laughing count?
Next up an advert for It Takes Two. It’s
Zoe dancing in that bar they always use for tasks on The Apprentice, looking a bit like Sue Sylvester. Well I know I want to watch now.
Back to Claud 9 again for our pre dance-off discussion with our Disneyfied Bottom 2. Claudia laughs along with Mark that this is all very familiar and asks what his battleplan is for his fourth dance-off. He says
BOUNCE and then he and Iveta stare at one another dramatically. Or at least try to. Ashley meanwhile, through gritted teeth, says he’s going to go up on that magic carpet again and have the time of his life.
THE. TIME. OF. HIS. LIFE.
it’s enough, as he is saved unanimously by the judges, as the clock finally calls time on Mark and Iveta. Everyone gives them a standing ovation, and Tess waffles on about his FUN and CHARACTER, like someone she’s letting down gently from a dating website who looked very different in his photos. Mark for his part thanks Iveta and his family and everyone who works on the show and also Wrigley’s Chewing Gum for holding his knees together these last two weeks.
a little teary, says that Mark has made her first series on the show (LOL JOHNNY WHO?) so special and whilst she may have taught him to dance, he has taught her so many other things (the ukulele?). He is her family now.
No, really. She has signed papers. You think you have son? IVETA IS YOUR SON NOW. Inherit much money in unfortunate event of water-skiing accident off Azores in 6 m…oops she’s said too much.
NOW EVERYBODY DINOSAUR!