So remember last week when the pro routines were both vaguely appropriate and enjoyable and we all thought this might be a new dawn of sanity in this series of awful, awful messes? Well, we were wrong, as this week we opened with a Great British Bake Off themed dance (?) performed to a mash-up of “If I Knew You Were Coming I’d Have Baked A Cake” and “Candyman” (?) with the male pros all wearing oven gloves (?) whilst Bruno and Craig whisk things in the background (?) and it all ends with Mary Berry being pushed out in a giant cake (?). Inexplicable. Incidentally I have rarely seen a human have less dance chemistry with another human than Pasha has with Janette. It makes the random illness mandated pairing of Kristina and Aljaz look positively thought through. The latter twosome perform whilst Il Divo sing “Tonight” from West Side Story, because next week is Musicals Week (also previewed by a clip of truly ear-splitting singing from Abbey). Aljaz stares at her dumbly throughout, like “oh this is what it looks like when you get this close to it”.
Len’s Glans (Craig now down just a sparkly gold cushion) focuses on a spectacular bout of prop-impotence from Bruno, pinning Mark down over his lack of sway and praising Ben on his new-found ability to pull faces (not that they’re subtly trying to provoke Kristina into a greater rage spiral than what’s about to occur via the medium of false hope you understand), Bruno trying to justify the 10 that he gave Natalie, even during PICKY WEEK and allowing Craig to go on and on and on and on and on and on about Ashley’s head-placement some more. Because Lord knows living through that once wasn’t enough.
After a trail of the saved that features Artem crying buckets and Susanna going Defcon 5 on the “THANK YOU” scale yet again, our big news is that Mark Benton is officially our Series 11 BOTTOM 2 GODDESS as he ties Julian for numbers of appearances but, unlike Julian, pulls out a clutch victory in his third battle. His victim? Ben Cohen, in as shocking a bottom 2 appearance as you can get from the bottom of the judges leaderboard. I guess the hunk vote really does have its limits. Ben, naturally, seems at peace with the decision, saying repeatedly that he’s been owed it for a while now, and barely bothering to do his dance-off routine. Kristina on the other hand, has a rage fit for the ages, scowling, pouting, snarling, yowling and claiming, yet again, that Ben was undermarked constantly and that the judges are biased against him and yadda yadda yadda.
It makes Brenda’s “Backstage Gossip” sulky face over Sophie’s rumba look positively restrained in comparison. In summary, it’s been a good week for Pro Strops, and precious little else. NOW, ON TO MUSICALS.