I’d settle for one to be honest.
Yes, today saw the announcement, long-rumoured, that the final series of Dancing On Ice (or at least the final series starring Torvill & Dean, and therefore the final proper one) will be an All-Stars series. To be honest, this announcement doesn’t exactly fill me with excitement.
- All-Stars series are uniformly pants. In America, Survivor, Top Chef, Project Runway, Dancing With The Stars, The Amazing Race and even Celebrity Apprentice (WHY?) All-Stars seasons have been churned out, producing winners who were either so obviously cast to win that nobody else need have turned up, or the one person there where you wonder how they got in the cast in the first place. (The one exception is America’s Next Top Model All-Stars, which was an amazing trainwreck mess that I could watch forever). The UK’s sole jaunt so far into the genre being (as far as I know), the truly depressing “Ultimate Big Brother (WITH ULRIKA!)”, which might as well have been subtitled “Brian Dowling auditions for a presenting job and Nadia tries to kill herself”. No matter how exciting the concept of the best of the best returning to battle it out might seem, it always fails to live up to expectations.
- I kind of can’t stand most of the people who are surely going to be invited back. Ray Quim has already been seen lacing up his boots, as have Gareth Gates and Susanne Shaw. Throw in the inevitable gasping and gurning of COMEDY LEGUND Todd Carty and (*shudders*) Hayley Tammadon and I can’t see myself rooting for anybody so much as I’d be rooting for a major power cut and several incapacitating injuries.
- The current line-up of pros, whilst lovely, are not up to partnering all-stars. If they don’t bring back Fred Haversack, Frankie! and two of the interchangeably burly Pavel/Andrei/Lukasz at the very least then it’s not All-Stars. It’s just STAFF. Also throw Christine Bleakley in a skip and bring back Holly. NOTHING is more iconically Dancing On Ice than her dulcet tones screaming “IT’S TORVILL AND MOTHERFLUPPING DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAN”
- Let’s face it, to round off the Dancing On Ice story, Jason and Weepy Karen are going to snog, if not more. It will happen. It will not be pretty.
Just for fun, I have constructed my own perfect Dancing On Ice All-Stars cast. None of the following people will make the real show, except maybe Kyran Bracken. I do not care.
Stefan Booth & Kristina Lenko : Slaying the Barrowdemon will mean he has a place etched permanently in my heart, and any All-Stars this show (or, let’s face it, most others) chooses to muster.
Bonnie Langford & Matt Evers : Dirty evil musical theatre RINGAH who made every routine a flying routine, as she spent less time on the ice than a zebra from the Serengeti.
Kyran Bracken & Melanie Lambert : His SPORTSMAN charge to victory being for this show what Darren Gough was for Strictly except…you know…better.
(*a brief pause here to sadly recall the career and life-choices of Chris Fountain*)
Zaraah Abrahams & Fred Haversack : Bottom 2 GODDESS who went through the incredibly tedious Axis Of Slow (Steve Backley/Greg Rusedski/Garteh Gates) like a hot knife through butter. Also a notable upgrade from Michael Underwood as Series 4 proved.
Kieron Richardson & Frankie! : Adorably awkward Gay-Faced Vulcan and the last hope for those of us who liked our soap stars bearable at the end of Series 5.
Daniella Westbrook & Beaver-Teeth : Ex-druggie on a redemption arc who found Jesus (and the sexual potential of office furniture) via Dancing On Ice.
Sam Attwater & Brioche Delcourt : Douchelord fauxmancer Sam Twattwater and his demonically pumped up partner Brioche were the greatest villains this show ever had. Then they won. Oh Dancing On Ice. They are owed a glorious downfall, and I can only hope they’d get one here.
Nickelodeon Girl & Colin Ratushniak : No, I still don’t know her name.
Chloe Madeley & Michael Zenezini : Series 6 really had the best final 3 didn’t it? Chloe Madeley was never my favourite, but I’m still smarting we never got that Judy Finnegan cameo in her Black Swan routine, and I must have it.
Sebastien Foucan & Susie Lipanova : Token WUZZROBBED contestant, Sebastien’s departure, after weeks of dominance, in the Ultimate Skills Test where he was beaten by Heidi Range of all people, was one of the most dramatic and gut-wrenching moments in the history of the show. Also yes I have partnered him with Susie just so Maria’s not on the show, why do you ask?
Chico & Jodeyne Higgins : It’s never not Chico time. Also I want to see if she’s forgiven him for dropping her on her head and not giving a shit.
Beth Tweddle & Daniel Whiston : The show’s only bearable female winner (sorry bout it, she was) and let’s face it, Daniel Whiston has to get in there somewhere. Like him or not, he’s the closest the show has to a pro with mainstream crossover appeal. Admittedly it’s mostly from people confusing him with the guy who does Sooty these days, but still.