Ask yourself, what did Japan do to deserve this?
And no “Pearl Harbour” won’t cover it. I swear, my secondary school production of The Mikado felt more culturally authentic, and our Katisha was running round in our French teacher’s dressing gown. The pros are dancing a…dance, which looks a bit like a rumba with added chop-socky punches and parasol twirling, to someone singing “Halo” by Beyonce in a really high-pitched voice, a bit like it’s coming to you from down the plughole. I really at struggling to say any more of it that doesn’t sound like a Sociology dissertation.
Next week : a tribute to African tribal dancing – Iveta sticks a bone through her nose and Artem lobs a spear at the judges table. To Bananarama.
The music strikes up and
out comes Claudia, dressed the colour of strawberry blancmange. I guess it’s better than banana flavour. Just. Tess opens by reminding us that last night our twelve (yes twelve) remaining celebrities all danced for their lives. In which I think Sophie’s cha cha can quite possibly be categorised as a suicide bid, CALL THE SHOW PSYCHOLOGIST! (Not you Dr Hammie)
Claudia goes on to say that sadly one couple will have to be eliminated tonight. And it IS sadly as well, given that the eliminated couple between them cry more than the entirety of X Factor Judges Houses Round. Robin alone is enough for Sharon’s house, Gary’s “house” and Louis’ Forte Travelodge on the M17. Their fate will be decided by our villainous judges, who are introduced with Craig
slouching so hard he might as well already be three tequila slammers into the wrap party.
Also, of course, Len’s Glans will happen, as will Safety Sex-Faces, our usual trawl for backstage gossip and this week’s special musical guests : EARTH, WIND AND FIRE! Well…Wind will be here. The original Fire has been replaced by a tea-light candle, and the less said about the state of Earth the better… *makes drinky-drinky motion*
So…that backstage gossip then?
Len arrives at the studio on a golf buggy, shouting his head off.
Wardrobe’s first instincts for Rachel’s dance-outfit were actually probably slightly better
Mark competed this week with a serious hair injury, which he didn’t even mention because he’s not a
DIVA like some people (LOL at that tabloid story incidentally – like Patrick’s capable of being that interesting)
Fiona’s mental state is
beyond saving at this point.
Sophie was really nervous about having to perform in the Pimp Slot. Work that into your excuse-making, horny fanboys.
Some people’s pervy doorway lurking is
a lot less subtle than they think it is.
Abbey Clancy’s fish pie is a lot better than Marco Pierre White’s. Said Marco Pierre White. Whilst trying to get into her knickers.
Artem joined in Karen’s backstage conga
so remember that the next time he rolls his eyes at funnity fun fun, like he’s above it all.
The Hot Ginger Floor Manager’s name is Greg. Somehow knowing their names always makes the stalking less fun doesn’t it?
Susanna is Cinderella and the backstage staff are her helper mice.
DANCE HELPER MICE, DANCE!
The foxtrot is Aljaz’s favourite dance.
Rachel’s best defence for her acting in her paso is “I wasn’t smiling”. Wouldn’t really hold up in court would it?
Len winking and grinning “it wuzz a good night, wuzzen it?” at me whilst hanging out a doorway is not the best way to get me to have a pleasant night’s sleep.
To the Safety Sex-Faces :
Well done Rachel and Pasha for finally getting your faces in sync this week. Quality Safety Sex-Face work. And let’s face it, someone’s going to have to take up the mantle of these two :
who are in the Bottom Two. Because when people say the public vote for a journey and a progression and the joy of watching someone discover their love of dance for the first time, there’s kind of a “so long as he’s fit innit”, dangling silently on the end there. Ahem. Tess calls them over to her and does her best
Sincerely Sorry face when they arrive. Truly touching. She turns to Len, and asks him what she can do in the dance-off to stay in. Burn that table?
She’ll do it. Anyway, Len mugs that he’s really shocked because he thought Deborah would be safe. Just once I’d like someone to ask who Len DID think was going to be in the Bottom Two then? Because he can’t say Dave because obviously Len has to LOVE Dave because he IS entertainment. And he can’t say Rachel because that would be mean. And he can’t say Ben because LOL at anyone who thinks that’s going to happen soon. Who does it leave? But yes, Deborah big shock to Len personally, let’s move on. He tells her just to believe in her pro partner and Deborah says she does and then takes up that
co-dependent position Robin’s partners always seen to wind up in. Such a gaslighter. Tess asks Deborah how she’s feeling, and Deborah says “erm” about fifteen times then starts to cry. I apologise for ever calling what Rachel did a “meltdown”.
Up to Claud 9 now
where the juxtaposition of Rachel and Susanna is reminding me of the duo of Sugar & Spice from cinematic classic, Batman Forever. You can speculate amongst yourself as to who is Two-Face. Claudia starts by asking Mark how it felt to win over Craig on Saturday Night, and Mark says it was a wonderful shock.
Good, now work that expression into your Safety Sex-Faces Mark, because frankly Iveta is doing all the leg-work at this point. Claudia then turns to Rachel and tells her she looked a bit shocked to have her name called out as safe, and Rachel says that she’d been through the routine 17,000 times in her head, preparing for the dance-off. That’s 17,000 times more than Pasha did when choreographing it. Claudia then finally alights on Susanna, who starts speechifying AGAIN about how unfair and terribly and wrong it is that anybody has to leave and then everyone competes to be as downbeat and melancholy as her
apart from Iveta who does not give a fuck. (<3)
EARTH, WIND AND FIRE! Quite a lot of the young folk on my twitter feed complained that we keep on getting these fogey bands whilst over on X Factor they get Lady Gaga. Not an hour later, Lady Gaga jumped up and down on a piano in her bra and pants yelling about sex. I think we all know there’s no place for that on this show. That hasn’t already been taken up by Bruno, of course. Anywho, Earth, Wind & Fire do a medley of “Let’s Groove”, “My Promise” and “Boogie Wonderland” with Aliona and Brenda taking dancing duties for the second song and James and Ola taking them for
the third. The first song? Has to make do with the judges boogying in their seats and Craig doing some QUALITY neck-dancing.
Such rhythm in that jugular. They are, admittedly, a little past it (Earth Wind And Fire, not any of the pro dancers I’M SURE, DON’T HIT ME, FANS) but whatever, it’s Earth, Wind & Fire. They’re always amazing.
Next up, it’s time to reintroduce the lady and gentlemen who Claudia calls “keepers of the paddles”.
I think Bruno probably has most of them. For personal use. Sadly, thanks to the presence of stairs, Craig is unable to make it this year. Never would have happened with the Tesspit. But OH NO, you just had to have all those shots of the female pros boobies going boing boing boing as they went up the stairs. Well, look what the end result is. Craig has to miss a rubbish comedy segment, once. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. Yes that’s right, it’s time for
LEN’S GLANS! The intros getting every closer to revealing the real thing. Terrifying.
First up for discussion is Anton du Beke, specifically Claudia squealing about his ickle face and how we all need to look at it
as he stands in one-quarter profile. I mean…I would if the camera allowed me to Claudia. Probably. Anyway Claudia squeaks that she wants to eat him, and let’s stop with that line of thought before we all get an image in our heads that we never signed up for. Len says that he loves Anton because he’s “such a character”. If anybody ever describes me as “such a character”, you have my permission to do the necessary.
Next up, Claudia wants to talk to Darcey about when Ashley did the splits.
Oh Claudia. No. Also, turn it 90 degrees and I think maybe Ashley is paying tribute there to the moment his wife gave birth. Darcey says that he really made a good job of covering up the fact he was compressing Ola’s spine irrecoverably as he went over, but she wishes he’d just pointed his toes more. Next on the slab, presumably because the editors are FEWMIN they didn’t get a full VT of Injury Porn out of Artem’s nose, if the moment of impact.
Darcey totally screams “EW, I’M NOT WATCHING, IT’S ORRIBLE, EW, OH NO!” the whole way through like she’s watching Final Destination.
Following this, Len gets everyone to give Patrick a round of applause for his one-handed lift. Maybe because the judges actual response at the time was more like *shrug* and he’s about to be in the Bottom 2 regardless. But, erm, you know, well done Patrick, you trooper. This is followed by a shot of Dave headbanging but…his hair’s receded too far for him to be able to mosh properly, so it’s a bad sad. I mean…obviously you can mosh WHATEVER your hair situation, but I doubt the effect they were aiming for was “let’s watch the dog’s chewed up flannel spin round the washing machine”. Bruno closes by saying that Dave’s salsa was definitely a “unique experience”. Whilst being pretty much exactly the same experience as all his other dances. We close with Craig sampling Aljaz’s cock
tail. Now that’ll make your eyes bulge out.
Time for some more Safety Sex-Faces now
thus leaving Ben vs Patrick in a battle to avoid the bottom 2. And we all know how that one’s ending, right?
(Sidebar : Dear Ola,
the auditions for Mean Girls 3 : Bitchface Academy are NEXT weekend)
Patrick and Anya tromp over to the judges as Evil Moira Rainbow yells
“THIS IS A SHOCK DARCEY! LOOK SAD! FOR THE LOVE OF THEME WEEKS, LOOK SAD!”. Darcey pouts about how shocking it is that Patrick is in the Bottom 2, and then starts monologuing about how people just don’t REALISE how DIFFICULT WHAT PATRICK DID WAS. Maybe you should have mentioned that in your critique then Darcey, rather than the usual box-ticking exercise of things always said about middle-aged black men on this show (who then somehow always end up shockingly in the bottom 2). Patrick just chortles away to himself, merrily. Tess asks him what he’s going to differently in the dance-off, he says he’s just going to do exactly the same thing all over again. Way to learn, way to grow.
Claud 9 now and
I really feel Karen should stop being so selfish and pass some of that fruit around. Ben looks like he’s dying for a kumquat. We get a brief “YOUR IKKLE FACE” over Dave’s Safety Sex-Face, which really was the least of them this week, and we then move on to the important matter of ABBEY’S NERVES. She’s just so thrilled to be here another week.
She did a foxtrot in that dress(/bra). Just reminding you.
Claudia then moves on to Ashley and congratulates him on doing the splits (Oh Claudia). Ashley tells her that he’s never done the splits in his life but thanks anyway (<3). Claudia then, unabashed, carries on to do her Kristina impression (so bad, so so bad, it sounds like Mousey from Bodger & Badger) and Ben then says “nervewracking” a lot. Sophie closes us out by thanking everyone for voting for her, a bit like she’s opening a village fete.
Hallowe’en Week innit.
We return from this comedy VT to find Claudia
bodily pulling Drunken Auntie Debbie back from the edge of Claud 9. IT’S ALRIGHT DEBORAH! THERE’S STILL TIME TO DO I’M A CELEBRITY AND DISCOVER YOUR LOVE OF EATING KANGAROO BOLLOCKS! Claudia asks her how sad she is, and she says she thinks this might be her last dance, so she’s going to give it everything she’s got.
Guess what, she was right. In yet another unanimous decision for those keeping score at home. And so it is we have to all get our hankies ready for Drunken Auntie Debbie’s concession speech.
“Right, yeah, the thing is, LISTEN I’M SPEAKING. The fing is right that Strictly has given me the gift of dance and SHUT UP AT THE BACK IT’S MY TURN. *hic* Anyway, dancing is der tits and now Robin isch my besht mate and ANY MAN OUT THERE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE HIM *hic* I reckon everyone should lern to dance coz it’s great and SHUT UP THEO FAJITAS IF I WANTED YOUR OPINION I’D ASK FOR IT. I’m going now cozahneedapiss but I’LL MISS YOU ALL ANNILOVEYOU SOPHIE, BEAT THAT RINGER BITCH FORYUZZ AUNTIE DEBBIE!”
We’ll miss you Auntie Debbie.