I’m still waiting to find out what a Gummo is by the way…
Gary & The Groups : This week for this category was entirely about the long slow demise of Miss Dynamix. Really their lingering death on the show highlights why the Flash Vote is such a bad idea. At least if I’ve gone looking for the spoiler of who goes home on Strictly on a Saturday night, it’s because I’ve taken the decision into my own hands. Having it thrust in my face at the end of the Performance Show that Miss Bixmix have lost the flash vote basically tells me who’s going home in 24 hours whether I want to know or not. If it weren’t for the cast-iron solid guarantee of Lady Gaga throwing a mental in her pants I probably wouldn’t have bothered to tune in to the Results Show at all. Seriously, has anyone ever been so blatantly at the bottom of the totem pole as Miss Dynamix were this week? The pregnant one was presented as a ticking timebomb ready to pass out and die like a new bride in a Thomas Hardy novel, their VT storyline was “don’t go on the Internet, everyone hates you”, they got stuck with the same unsuitable song they would have been forced into doing last week, from a fairly obscure movie in which it featured for all of about 5 seconds (they should have done “Wise Up” – Sese in her hospital bed, Jeannette sitting in her car in the pouring rain, The Other One in the middle of a coke binge) and most humiliating of all, Sharon yelled at them to DO THE FUNNY AFRICAN NOISE YOU DO, GO ON, CLICK CLICK. Their departure was destiny and the public provided.
Kingsland meanwhile were learning lessons from their own brush with death from the week before. The lesson they learnt was apparently “be more like your sing-off performance, because that’s what saved you”. Not at all the fact they were up against a Bellowing Wurzel. They brought the PASSION they dredged up from there to a fairly pointless version of Pretty Woman, from the movie Pretty Woman, with them all sat on a scaffold against a cartoon scribble background that made the whole thing look like a cheap trainers commercial. The whole thing proved the equation that “Hipster Twat + Hipster Git + Hipster Tit + Hipster In A Backwards Baseball Cap + Hipster Mark From Westlife =/= Roy Orbison”, like that needed proving. Mostly I just want to talk about how creepy the one in the middle looks when their name badge comes up, leering up at me like a Vampire From The Week from Buffy. Unpleasant. Finally, there’s always one poor act in Movies Week who earn my complete indifference by doing a song that was so overplayed in the 90s that I actually can’t listen to it. This time, that was Rough Copy doing that song from Robin Hood. I know, I know. More overplayed than “My Heart Will Go On”. Hard to believe, but there we are. Kevin Costner was a powerful force in the 90s. I just put them on mute and pondered on how lovely that one’s mum was. Quality Mumwork.
Louis & The Boys : Why yes, that was Sharon Osbourne who last week complained about the “peedyofile” repeatedly telling Nicholas that he looked like a big boy now and lasciviously sniggering the word “sexteen” at him. Don’t question her consistency, just marvel at the madness. He sang “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan, and blew all of Louis’ plans to present him as the eternail naif by actually having heard of it. DAMN. Fortunately for Louis, next week is Disco Week, which will hopefully confuse the life out the poor kid. Of course having heard of Angel didn’t make it any more appropriate for a 16 year old to be trying to assay the emotions of a song about trying to make sense of losing an old friend to a heroin overdose but…well he sang it nicely, that’s the main thing. That Gary Barlow told him to stop being so miserable and acting older than his age and HA HA HA HA HA HA quite frankly.
Sam Callahan meanwhile continued his rapid spiral into self-parody, simultaneously complaining that people were only interested in him for his body whilst simultaneously waving a picture of himself as Heat’s Torso Of The Week at the camera and performing in clothes so tight he was on the verge of Hulking out of them. Of course the best moment of Sam Callahan’s villainy was screaming “I KNEW IT!” in the face of Louis Walsh the second he was called safe. An utterly disinterested Louis Walsh, for whom Sam Callahan is distinctly a third priority only there for personal eye-candy purposes. He’s never looked more baffled. Sam sang “All I Want Is You” from “Reality Bites”, a film that Sharon Osbourne has apparently never heard of. IT HAD HOLLYWOOD MEGASTAR JANEANE GAROFALO IN IT SHARON, GET WITH THE PICTURE. Anyway, I’m sure I’m the only person on the Internet who’d get protective on behalf of Tesco Mary but…THAT WAS HER SONG, PRETTY BOY. HANDS OFF! Luke’s Friend rounded the category off by turning a corner. Both in terms of actually doing a fairly good performance of “Kiss From A Rose” and also in finally letting somebody wash his hair! I mean…it’ll take another good six or seven goes and a bottle of bleach before it has any impact, but well done Luke. We won’t discuss how you call your fans “Friendies”, because it sounds a bit like a word Sharon would make up.
Nicole & The Girls: This was the week where Nicole proves that she’s down with the normal folk by tagging along with all her young ladies to see what they get up to in their daily lives. Well…not Tamera Foster because good luck getting any time in with her, as she’s constantly being groomed by an army of worker ants, combing her hair, minutely nipping at her dresses, feeding her nectar and preparing her to be the new Leona/Alexandra and for Simon to lay his eggs inside of her. This week she sailed a little bit TOO close to being Beyonce, as she sang “Listen”, and everyone realised it just wasn’t the same without the lady herself emerging from a giant cloud of fog to embrace her.
Abi Alton and Hannah Barrett though? Also-rans, they’ve got plenty of time for Nicole’s dress-up shennanigans. Abi got invited round to Nicole’s house for a sleep-over where they wore onesies and watched Breakfast At Tiffany’s. I’m surprised Sharon wasn’t all over that one, given the Michael Jackson overtones. This of course was a set-up for the Internet’s Favourite Contestant to do Moon River, acoustically. Not playing the guitar herself of course (of course), just pipping through the whole song, somehow doing it entirely in the style of THAT note from this. She knew it was wrong, we knew it was wrong, all the judges knew it was wrong and told her that they took it all back. That shit with the umbrellas was 10 times less embarrassing than this, DO IT AGAIN. Then Abi cried. Oops. So we’re going to have to deal for another week. In fact Abi crying probably dumped poor Hannah, with whom Nicole played Greggs Dress-Up, into the Bottom 2, despite an alright enough version of SKYFOW from the movie SKYFOW. Because after about 1997, all “songs from the movies” are either musical theatre or Bond themes. And yet still they persist in having this theme…
Sharon And Her Over : I have decided I quite like Sam Bailey. Every series needs that Over – the one who does everyone’s washing and talks about how they nearly got electrocuted during a dodgy gig on a cruise ship and just sings ballids and basically exists as a human warning to the kids about how it’s a shit business. I mean…I don’t necessarily want to watch any of her performance except via the second-hand medium of the good folk of Gogglebox, and she’s still representing Sharon but I’m glad she’s still there, with it looking increasingly likely that she might win. Gawd bless you Screw-Bo.