The show starts with all the female pros dressed up as geishas with little parasols and fans and all the man in their dressing gowns doing kung fung surrounded by pink flower blossom and lily pads. To the song “Halo” by Beyonce but…orientalised. I’m not sure what’s more offensive to me, the sub “It’s A Small World After All” ethnic dress-up or the fact that him being in his pyjamas means they’ve made Kevin shave his chest again. And yet somehow Anton remains intact. It’s an odd world.
Backstage gossip revolves around a typical day in the life of a Strictly Saturday. For some reason they miss out the part where Bruce hurries out the studio as soon as the show’s finished yelling “START THE CAR, SIR BRUCIE’S COMING, I HOPE YOU’VE GOT MY SAUSAGE ROLL READY OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!” or the part where they bring in the make-up hose. In on-show gossip news, Susanna’s still not GREAT at delivering the whole “it’s such a shame that people have to leave” bit with any degree of convincing sincerity, but we’ll forgive her, because the world of pretending to be interested in Simon Le Bon’s new solo album (ie Breakfast “News”) must be hard to shake off, and also Claudia’s Kristina impersonation is better than Fiona’s farmyard animal impersonations, but worse than Mark’s Iveta impersonation and Kevin’s Artem impersonation. If you’re keeping score at home, which I know you are.
The musical guests? Earth, Wind & Fire. Just two people away from a Captain Planet reunion there. They do a medley of two songs, with James & Ola and Brenda & Aliona getting one a-piece to dance to. Neither of the songs is September however, so I am mildly miffed. DO SEPTEMBER! IT’S YOUR BEST ONE!
Sadly, Craig’s hip is too worn down for him to participate in Len’s Glans, so he just has to stay on the studio floor accepting Aljaz’s cocktails. I’m sure he was devastated. The focus of the glans turns to Anton’s comedy faffings (which obviously Len doesn’t mind because they’re Anton’s), Claudia not knowing what the splits are AT ALL and nobody correcting her, Artem getting his nose broken, Patrick’s poorly wrist, and Dave’s manic hair. It’s a very bloke-heavy glans session really.
Our bottom 2? Deborah and Patrick. The judges are SHOCKED and APPALLED naturally, and wave Patrick on to next week, and all the bottom 2s he probably has coming in the future bless him. For Deborah sadly it’s clearly a very jarring departure, as she can’t quite find the words to say in her exit interview, until she dries up completely, and Robin has a bit of a cry.
So yeah, Dave is still here, and your JOHN SERGEANT MEMORIAL OUTRAGE/PANIC 2013 is on, Strictly viewers. Get ready to take up your cudgels in defence of the purity of dahnce. It happens every year. When do you think this one’s lasting til? 6th/7th place? Get ready to say “it’s getting beyond a joke” and “BUT GOOD DANCERS ARE GOING OUT NOW” two or three times a week.