Strictly Come Dancing 11 – Week 5 Results Summary

The show starts with all the female pros dressed up as geishas with little parasols and fans and all the man in their dressing gowns doing kung fung surrounded by pink flower blossom and lily pads. To the song “Halo” by Beyonce but…orientalised. I’m not sure what’s more offensive to me, the sub “It’s A Small World After All” ethnic dress-up or the fact that him being in his pyjamas means they’ve made Kevin shave his chest again. And yet somehow Anton remains intact. It’s an odd world.

Backstage gossip revolves around a typical day in the life of a Strictly Saturday. For some reason they miss out the part where Bruce hurries out the studio as soon as the show’s finished yelling “START THE CAR, SIR BRUCIE’S COMING, I HOPE YOU’VE GOT MY SAUSAGE ROLL READY OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!” or the part where they bring in the make-up hose. In on-show gossip news, Susanna’s still not GREAT at delivering the whole “it’s such a shame that people have to leave” bit with any degree of convincing sincerity, but we’ll forgive her, because the world of pretending to be interested in Simon Le Bon’s new solo album (ie Breakfast “News”) must be hard to shake off, and also Claudia’s Kristina impersonation is better than Fiona’s farmyard animal impersonations, but worse than Mark’s Iveta impersonation and Kevin’s Artem impersonation. If you’re keeping score at home, which I know you are.

The musical guests? Earth, Wind & Fire. Just two people away from a Captain Planet reunion there. They do a medley of two songs, with James & Ola and Brenda & Aliona getting one a-piece to dance to. Neither of the songs is September however, so I am mildly miffed. DO SEPTEMBER! IT’S YOUR BEST ONE!

Sadly, Craig’s hip is too worn down for him to participate in Len’s Glans, so he just has to stay on the studio floor accepting Aljaz’s cocktails. I’m sure he was devastated. The focus of the glans turns to Anton’s comedy faffings (which obviously Len doesn’t mind because they’re Anton’s), Claudia not knowing what the splits are AT ALL and nobody correcting her, Artem getting his nose broken, Patrick’s poorly wrist, and Dave’s manic hair. It’s a very bloke-heavy glans session really.

Our bottom 2? Deborah and Patrick. The judges are SHOCKED and APPALLED naturally, and wave Patrick on to next week, and all the bottom 2s he probably has coming in the future bless him. For Deborah sadly it’s clearly a very jarring departure, as she can’t quite find the words to say in her exit interview, until she dries up completely, and Robin has a bit of a cry.

So yeah, Dave is still here, and your JOHN SERGEANT MEMORIAL OUTRAGE/PANIC 2013 is on, Strictly viewers. Get ready to take up your cudgels in defence of the purity of dahnce. It happens every year. When do you think this one’s lasting til? 6th/7th place? Get ready to say “it’s getting beyond a joke” and “BUT GOOD DANCERS ARE GOING OUT NOW” two or three times a week.


14 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 11 – Week 5 Results Summary

  1. catherinehirst

    September is totes their best song.

    I feel like I’ve turned a corner with Strictly this year. I think I finally understand how the Great British Public go about this reality show tv thing. Natalie can’t win because she’s too good and she knows it. Fiona’s still in because there are loads of 60-year old women at home going, “she’s aged so well, hasn’t she? Good for her!” Dave’s still in because apparently people find Komedy Kontestants oh so entertaining. (?) So by process of elimination (of who people don’t like) we’ll end with Sophie because she’s a nice middle class girl and gives good ballroom, yes? Pretty, but not too pretty, talented but not too talented, self-assured but not arrogant, and doesn’t move her hips too much in those unseemly Latin numbers? Have I got it?

      1. Genevieve

        I was thinking about the class issue and how it might sway votes the other day, my own assumption is that the British public finds certain regional accents more trustworthy and will vote for them as they have “made their way from the bottom”. Accents as opposed to RP is how most people judge class in other people and you have to delve deeper to find exactly which layer of the UK’s class system they belong to, wealth doesn’t really come into it, hey, Posh Spice? Nearly everyone has contradictions, like the words they use might borrow from working class (tea instead of supper or dinner) or vice versa, people aren’t that consistent unless it is very studied and artificial. Then I came to Strictly winners and decided it’s a pretty even split: Working class (they have an accent): Jill, Darren, Alesha, Kara, Louis. (Probably upper-) Middle class (speak RP): Kerplunk, Mark, Tom, Chris, Harry. I must admit I didn’t watch the Mark series, he just appears middle class to me but I can’t say I’ve heard him speak. Chris is also a bit borderline, he made a lot of football working class roots and rather less of going to Oxford and playing cricket. I say middle class because he does antiques programmes. I think posh men are more forgiven than women on Strictly just as in life.

      2. monkseal Post author

        See, I think this may well be where Susanna has an advantage, because between her and Kevin they cover both bases.

  2. Neio

    Oh my God, making Kevin shave his chest is a crime against nature! Literally.

    I felt bad for Deborah going, as she did seem to be loving doing the show, and being partnered with Robin, with nary a complaint along the way. I’d rather have seen Rachel go, if I’m honest. She’s just too self-conscious, and I was amazed she wasn’t in the bottom two.

  3. Tom Lawrence (@Meserach)

    Basically the way I see this going is: one of Patrick or Rachel next week, and then the other one the week after. Then Fiona, probably, unless she gets a terrible Latin dance one week that’s so bad it means she leaps “ahead” of Patrick/Rachel.

    Leaving us with a top eight: Dave, Mark, Ben and Ashley for the boys, and Susanna, Sophie, Natalie and Abbey for the girls. This must be around when Wembley is happening, and it’s around here that I’m hoping the DAVELOLS train runs out of steam (these things tending to on or just after whatever ridiculous stunt they contrive for them at Wembley).

    Mark and Ben are the wildcards for me in this draw: early I developed the opinion that only Ashley would survive as a male CONTENDAH for the top five, but since then Ben’s been taking of his shirt and doing loads of lifts in a way that’s apparently gone down well, so he might last longer than his early practical immobility would have suggested. And I’m not sure how the wider audience feels about Mark at all: I absolutely love him,, finding him the perfect blend of serious and silly (and Iveta’s doing her role with him marvellously). I’d like to imagine him getting the comedy vote after Dave goes, but for all I know Dave’s sapping his own vote and he’ll end up kicked out before him, possibly even before Fiona.

    Nevertheless my money would still, marginally, be on an Ashley/Susanna/Abbey/Natalie/Sophie top 5. Although I imagine one or both of Natalie and Abbey would have graced at least one “SHOCK BOTTOM 2” by that point, and obviously if they end up in one together the judges can’t save them both…

    Beyond that point, I’d probably tip Susanna for the actual win. Natalie will be taken all the way to the final by repeated judge;s saves if that’s what it takes, but nothing will prevent her finishing fourth or third on the night itself. The vote that always wants a male winner will coalesce around Ashley, but I don;t think it’ll be enough to boost him beyond second or third. Sophie will probably fill in whichever of 4th-to-2nd weren;t filled in by those two, and then Susanna uses the killer trifecta of decent-to-good dancing, likeable personality and actual sense of improvement/arc/JOURNEY to the win.

  4. Minstrelgirl

    The acting lesson may have done nothing for Rachel’s performance, but I think Pasha benefitted. He’s usually very stilted in the comedy vt’s but he did a very good impression of looking pleased after they were called safe


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