First of all, for those who were struggling to keep track (including the show’s own website monkeys apparently) Natalie was doing a SAMBA (with flamenco arms and no bounce), Comedy Dave was doing a SALSA (with a conga section added), Patrick was also doing a SALSA (with one arm), and Sophie was doing a CHA CHA (with a sheepish face behind some net curtains). That’s your free trial over with, next week I’m going to start charging for Monkseal Salsambcha Recognition lessons. £10 a go, and you get a free t-shirt.
None of the above are their particular celebrities finest hour, but all of them have something about them to appreciate. Natalie’s ever-writhing hips and yet more Artem Injury Porn (he’s got an owie on his noise, poor love); Patrick’s game attempts to overcome the fact that he can’t do lifts in a dance that after last week is surely now defined solely by being an opportunity to haul your female pro around wearing as little as possible ; Karen casually eating a banana during judges comments and then even more casually hurling it onto the dancefloor for the next bugger to slide over on; Sophie…erm…making us appreciate her samba even more in retrospect?
Also maybe not necessarily automatically recognisable from your ballroom textbooks are Deborah’s Viennese Waltz and Ben’s quickstep. Deborah’s Viennese Waltz because Robin has worked a table in and a whole section where she just starts doing the paso doble for no reason. She dances it actually I think the best she’s danced anything but…it’s still slightly disconcerting. Ben’s quickstep on the other hand involves him just about hauling himself off the training room floor only long enough to schlump onto a couch with Kristina, where they sit having a pillow-fight and hurling popcorn at one another to the Friends theme-tune. Based on their quickstep…it might well have been better if he stayed there. People expecting a VAUGHNY style breakthrough will have to wait a little longer.
Rounding out we have a grab-bag of comebacks and collapses. Ola proves that actually using an actual guitar in choreography CAN work (TAKE THAT SID OWEN) if you’ve got a celeb who can handle, it in Ashley’s otherwise slightly lacking jive ; Fiona erases all memories of that rumba with some nice old-school Anton’s Ballroom ; Susanna admits that she knew her samba last week was an awful mess but she LOVED IT ANYWAY, then does a pretty decent American Smooth (albeit one that completely ignores road safety rules) ; Mark finally pulls Craig (who spends all evening sat on a special throne for this hip, bless im) around with a very emotional waltz to OneRepublic. Not a huge amount of dancing but still…THE EMOTIONS ; Abbey does a really nice, emotional foxtrot that cements her place as Head Girl in ballroom but…still gets no standing ovation for it (am I obsessed with standing ovations this year, you may entirely fairly ask) ; Rachel…well it’s not easy to watch. She aims at the paso and just winds up doing the robot dressed as a one of those poor seagulls that got caught in the oil slick. I was hoping for funny-bad – I wound up with unwatchable-bad. At least let the girl do another nice easy ballroom before she has to go.
Most importantly though Len has a MASSIVE hissy fit over how there’s too much faffing in the dances these days, and that next week he expects all the pros to come back and try much harder to respect the purity of dahnce.
Next week is Hallowe’en Week. AKA Spooky Dress Up Week. GOOD LUCK LEN.