Nothing else matters
We open, as already grumbled about, to
more “Gatsby”. I’m sure they could have come up with a better excuse to stick a perm on Iveta. As it stands, the only good thing to really come out of “Gatsby” is this. And even then that probably hurt her chances of winning because of all the stuffy Saturday Night people huffing “WELL, she’s just making NOISES, that’s not THE VOICE”. Well we’ll see what that sort of thinking wrought later, shall we? At least Aliona’s still looking
flush from the glow of victory, like Elizabeth Bathory bathing in the blood of the vanquished (/Craig Revel Horwood).
Anyway, this is a retro slice of Old Hollywood danced to a godawful racket so of course
Kristina gets to be front and centre. You know deep down in her head she’d rather be dancing to “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” (ALWAYS) but hey, she’ll take the spotlight where she can get it.
Mostly on her flailing around in an oversized wineglass. (The awful awful song is one of those songs that flatten out the “ar” in “party” so it sounds like “potty”. So when the chorus goes “a little potty never hurt nobody” it kind of feels like it’s implying that Kristina’s having a widdle in there) (Awful AWFUL song)
Whilst Kristina swims around in her own glitter, the other pros do some sort of Charlestonish moves if you squint, with Anya and Pasha front and centre.
So there’s that, I guess.
There’s then a really, really, really odd bit where everyone takes up quickstep hold but just seems to run around like bumper cars barely avoiding decking one another and then
It’s not been a VINTAGE series for pro-dances so far has it?
Anyway, the band take to their strings and our hosts emerge. As they do, we learn that it’s finally happened. Claudia’s come out
without taking her dust sheet off. What a mistake to make. Tess thanks the pros for getting the party started (a party I already would have nipped out the back of with a pint of cider and a headache) and reminds us that last night 13 celebrities danced for us, but after tonight, only 12 will remain. Well…11 of them and whatever bits of Natalie Gumede we can hold together with rubber bands until she’s no longer necessary. Claudia sighs that indeed “13 is unlucky for some…well, in this case, just one”.
Certainly not for Janette.
We welcome back our judges, and somewhere, someone goes “AH YOU’VE MESSED UP THERE! CRAIG’S SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING HIS HIP OP! YOUR RESULTS SHOW LIES ARE FINALLY REVEALED! I’M CALLING OFCOM”. Let’s face it, it’ll be more than one, but I’m being kind to humanity. Tess tells us we have TWO musical performance to come tonight, from Andrea “THE POOR GIRL’S BLIND, JESSIE” Begley, and Keane, currently in the middle of pretending to break up just to get your attention, just like Ruby Tandoh probably does at University. (JUST KIDDING RUBY, NO MISOGYNY HERE). Oh and as always, there’s
LEN’S GLANS! This week, Len will be luring children in with DELICIOUS LOLLIPOPS by the looks of it.
But first, all the gossip backstage from Saturday Night. Apparently. They don’t ask Brenda what he thinks of Natalie’s back injury. I guess we’ve still got a whole series for that. In real news
It’s just not the same is it? Sigh.
The Inspiration Wall for Anton’s hair shows why it’s been so…toussled this year.
Bruno thinks that anything could happen. Especially if it’s him falling off a chair.
Rachel didn’t know who’s going to be in the Bottom Two. IT COULD BE ANYONE. LITERALLY ANY SINGLE COUPLE COULD BE IN THE DANCE-OFF (with Julien).
Susanna hoped that she’d end her samba with Kevin going like this
So say all of us, but he’s an engaged man Susanna, so HOLD IT IN.
Julien promised to try to dance his legs off. That explains so much, technique wise. And yet…not even the half of it.
Ben whole reason for doing the show was revealed to be
accruing as many potential sexual harassment lawsuits against the BBC as he could, then cashing them all in in one big go as soon as he gets eliminated in the semi-finals.
Rachel caught sight of her outfit in the mirror
just a little too late to get it changed.
really liked Kevin’s bum (those trousers on the other hand, definitely don’t…)
recovered from her brush with the wrath of Len well.
Deborah mused that her jive had no technique but “plenty of welly”. Probably would have been a more appropriate choice of footwear as well.
Patrick’s decided on a face
and he’s sticking to it.
The editors thought it’d be really funny to mess with the RESULTS SHOW LIES crowd even more by soundtracking this whole bit to “Last Friday Night” by Katy Perry. Kudos to you editors. Kudos.
Safety Sex-Face time now. Hope you’ve brought a condom (OF DAHNCE).
Abbey saving all her faces for JELUS PETAH clearly. (Yes it did take me about half an hour to narrow it down to just the one picture for Deborah & Robin, why do you ask?). Anyway, first in the bottom 2 are
these two. Not happy bunnies either of them.
Over to Tess they wander, as Tess brings up to Bruno that HE said that he thought she’d got away with it. SO WHAT DOES HE SAY NOW?
I love when this bit just descends into “welp, you were wrong weren’t you?”. Better than them feigning shock over Tony Jacklin leaving anyway. Bruno basically says it’s all Pasha’s fault and the dance he choreographed is far too difficult for Rachel to ever be able to do properly. Heartening words going into a dance-off there. Rachel lies to Tess that she’s going to really enjoy having another chance to get the dance right.
REALLY. ENJOY. IT. TESS.
Up to Claud 9 now, where Abbey is
letting loose all that excitement she sublimated earlier when she responded to her safety with the old “shrug n smirk”. Go on girl, let it out. You’ll feel better about your
NO, NO, PUT IT AWAY AGAIN.
Yeesh. Next up, Claudia calls Mark an extraordinary creature (you know, compared to her mundanity) and he says he’s had such great fun this week, and he’s glad it all went so well. Natalie is next asked how she managed to do that quickstep after 8 minutes training (COZ SHE’S A RINGER) but whatever answer she gives I’m kind of
terrifyingly distracted by Robin’s crab-ladder winking at me the whole time. I mean I was hoping that Kevin and Ben between them had started an ANTI-WAXING REVOLUTION but…I’m not sure I needed quite SO much evidence.
Andrea Begley. Doing a twee version of “Dancing In The Dark”. What is it with Voice contestants and desecrating Springsteen? I already had to sit through Mooleen crudding all over “Born To Run”, thanks. Anyway, I guess this is as good a place as any to confirm that this blog will not be covering The Voice in any way next year? I mean, I thought it’d be obvious once human modem dial-up noise Emma Willis was signed up to present, but just to let you know, the 500 jokes revolving around Kylie Minogue…SPINNING AROUND (in her chair) will have to go unrecapped. If you want a reason, I suggest you rewatch this performance. I mean…there are many (many) others, but it’s a start.
Here’s Anya and Pasha HAVING CHEMISTRY
I enjoyed it, although if I start actually shipping them, please stop me.
Well, at least they didn’t dress her up as an actual angel this time. There are small mercies still in this world.
Back to Claud 9 now, and all the judges march in. Claudia sighs to them that there’s an extra person here, who they can’t do the segment without. It’s her imaginary friend, Fleagle The Space Chimp who talks to her and tells her to burn things. Also
We start with Len’s Glans reaching its very NADIR of pointfulness.
A bit that was ALREADY IN SLOW-MO ON THE ACTUAL SHOW. Iveta’s utterly blank face as she taco’s herself is admittedly pretty funny. Craig cracks up, and of course gets all “I’m only laughing because it was so awful dahling, some of us still HAVE TASTE” about it. I hope Craig comes back next week OFF HIS FACE on Temazepam and gives everything a 10. Bruno of course
does his face again, for some reason.
Next we watch Patrick in slow-mo, to see him in his full glory, and explain why Len gave him a 9.
He ends up looking a bit like Ronnie Corbett marching on the treadmill in the video for “Is This The Way To Amarillo?”. Len’s all “LOOK AT THE NATURAL RHYTHM” though because…Len. I would not be surprised in Patrick gets a 10 for his salsa next week. Not surprised at all. Darcey next and
she wants to watch Kristina’s head hurtling to the ground at 100mph. Girl’s got issues. You got to dance with Ian Waite Darcey, you can’t cordon off all the hunks for yourself. She also goes on about Ben’s thighs which…I don’t know about you but I’ve heard enough of that for a lifetime. Len even mimes groping them. Who needs that?
Next we watch Natalie gurning around with her cane
like she’s thought of an interesting use for it backstage later. A very interesting use. All the judges talk about how difficult and daunting it is to use props. Like on Dancing On Ice where a hat suddenly becomes the most terrifying object on Earth outside a flick-knife, a nuclear bomb, or Brianne Delcourt.
We then move on to Ashley’s arms (Craig still thinks they were too stiff, Bruno thinks they were lyrical, Darcey thinks it was a bit of both, Len speaks for me for once by being bored of the whole lot of them) and we close on Bruno falling off his chair. Again. Some more. Spontaneously. In slow-mo you can see the bit where he spontaneously decides to inch his bum over the side as well. The most intriguing thing we learn is that Bruno has his own special cushion, bless him.
Next up :
more of these chaps. Brenda incidentally is already doing the full “turn to camera and thank everyone at home oh so sincerely for their votes” number. He’s already on the run-up to that glitterball isn’t he? This just leaves Julien vs Anton’s Westlife Party Rumba. I think finally we have a face-off worthy of Julien’s unpopularity. Mercifully
he still wins it.
He trots daintily over to the Judges and…what do you say to him at this point? Tess asks Darcey what more he can do this time around. Darcey replies by telling Julien to listen to the music, focus, and then just say “sod it” and enjoy himself, because he’s going home. You know. Not in so many words. Tess then asks Julien how he’s feeling and he’s all
“a bit shit, to be honest Tess”. He does close by saying he’s had a fabulous time and then yelling something about something or other. (calm Monkseal, calm, he’s almost gone)
Back to Claud 9 where
the mood is upbeat. Claudia asks Fiona if she thought she was a gonner, and she replies that she did, because she was at the bottom of the leaderboard. I guess she can’t say “fuck no Claudia, I was stood next to the screaming mimi, are you kidding me?”. Anton grins that he’s really glad to be safe, because he thinks Fiona’s just brilliant
as Fiona contemplates all the crap she’s going to have to buy Len to keep her above a 6 next week. Anton closes by promising that their quickstep next week will be great, and Fiona closes by doing a spit-take of derision all over the carpet. Bodes well.
Ben next is asked if he feels like he’s had a journey. He does. Claudia then tells Sophie she was amazing on Saturday and Sophie
pulls Sophie-Face in response. She will at least admit to looking nice in her frock. It’s a start. The journey to self-confidence begins here. She then says that it’s hard to feel happy when her “Strictly Friends” are in the dance-off.
Claudia of course uses this opportunity of emotion to
comfort Ben’s thigh for no reason, even though he doesn’t really seem to give a shit bout no Rachel Riley. Attagirl.
Next up Keane :
featuring Janette’s arse. And you thought Aljaz was the only newbie with a badonkadonk. She and Artem do a bit of a contemporumba whilst everyone talks about how the lead singer has lost SO MUCH WEIGHT.
SO MUCH. Meanwhile I try to
sneak glances at the pianist, because he looks a bit like a less intimidating Ben Ainslie. And sometimes that’s the mood of Ben Ainslie you’re here for. Other times not. Ahem. Keane sing “Everybody’s Changing” as they wrote it, more or less in tune, as it was a hit, and the audience love it.
Next : let’s sort out the pro dances. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT, RESULTS SHOW!
“BROOOOYKING NOOOOOOS! THUHH STRICTLEEE GLITTAHBORRRRL HAS BIN STAAHHHHLEN! IT WUSSSN’T MOIIIIIIII, OHNIST!” *WINK*
(Come back soon, Natalie)
Back to a pre-dance-off Claud 9 now where Rachel
is clearly already teetering on the edge of sanity. Claudia asks if she’s sad to be in the bottom 2, or just excited to be dancing again. Answer?
“SO MANY FEELINGS”. Somehow Rachel manages to pull herself through the entire routine before having a little meltdown on Pasha’s shoulder, as he mutters to her that it’s all ok and it’s not her fault. Well…this is all a bit intense.
As is her crying the whole way through the vote reveal. GET WELL SOON RACHEL (ibble).
On his way out, Julien thanks
everyone who voted for him (lol), the entire audience, the judges, and EVERYBODY BEHIND THE SCENES FOR THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE. Janette then cracks in to say that for “her first partner on Strictly” (lol, get that contract gurl), he wasn’t bad. Then Julien’s all
OH YEAH, THIS BITCH WAS HERE AS WELL! WOO! GO TEAM SPACKLE!
Sweet merciful release…