NEWSFLASH : Nicole Scherzinger hates every song you like. All of them.
Sharon And The Overs : So Sharon’s quest to make everyone regret her being asked back continues, as she hurled out every trick in the book (Every Trick In Sharon’s Book : Screeching “HAS EVERYONE GONE MAD?!??!” every 5 seconds ; offering Louis Walsh a blowjob to save her act ; coining the word “peedyofile”) and still lost one of her Cruise Ship Of The Damned into the ether. This week it was Shelley Smith overboard, despite the cast-iron, fresh, up-to-the-second hilarity tactic of “A Comedy Version Of Single Ladies”. This putting Sharon Osbourne about 5 years behind The Jonas Brothers. The fact that Louis Walsh then responded by telling her she should take a role in either Hairspray (as a drag queen) or Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert (as a bus) probably only compounded the public’s confusion as to whether we were supposed to take Shelley and her QUEST FOR LOVE seriously or not. So it’s no surprise that, in the end, they just kind of ignored her instead. In the end her Best Bits were about 5 seconds of singing and 85 of comedy accents. Poor Shelley.
Sam Bailey on the other hand should last a little while longer, especially now she’s got the cast-iron marketable nickname of “ScrewBo”. Sharon of course, instead of thanking Louis for that, started screaming about how SAM AINT NO HOOKER. Sharon’s legwork on the other hand ran to picking out “To Make You Feel My Love” out for Sam to sing, because we definitely needed to hear another version of that song in our lifetimes. To be fair to Sam, she did put her own spin on it, and kept it just far enough from Adele’s version to keep it going, but…that song is practically Whitney at this point.
Gary And The Groups : Drama abounds this week in Gary’s category, as the pregnant one from Miss Dynamix fainted/had a panic attack/ate a bee and so they got a bye to next week. The fact that this news was greeted in the studio by booing suggests that it may just be a stay of execution. Although maybe they were booing in sympathy? Maybe? In an X Factor studio. It could definitely happen. Also experiencing the heartache portion of Love & Heartache Week were Kingsland, who spent the whole of their VT whining that despite being in a boyband they weren’t getting nuff pussy. This, combined with a performance of “Marry You”, where they danced around with women dressed in bridalwear, oddly enough does not seem to have resonated with the audience, who promptly dumped them right to the bottom of the Flash Vote. Nobody like a virgin who wants to get married immediately apart from, like, Mormons, and I don’t think they form a big part of the voting demographic. Or like hipster hair. I think the problem really with Kingsland is that, sadly, at the age of 19 and 20 (and looking it), they’re already too old to really appeal to the One Direction crowd (who only managed to drag them to third anyway). Still, Gary took comfort in the fact that James Arthur was in the bottom 2 once, and HE STILL WON. Yes, because you photoshopped Christopher Maloney into that picture of that dead hooker Gary. Don’t think the same trick will work twice.
Things were far smoother for Rough Copy, who just waved a cute kid around and sang “I Want It That Way” like it was a Boyz II Men tune. I guess if you can’t make it your own, make it somebody else’s. And wear a skirt.
Louis And The Boys : “Peedyofile” incidentally is the cutesy word Sharon invented for the female dancer who was fluttering around Nicholas McDonald during his rendition of “It’s Orrible Being In Love When You’re Ei… oh, no, wait, it was “She’s The One”. Only Sharon Osbourne could come up with a twee term for a sex offender, but I guess THAT’S WHY SHE’S BACK. Anyway, this was the second irrelevant theme week in a row for Nicholas. He wasn’t alive for the 80s, and it turns out he’s never endured either love or heartache. Next week : turns out Nicholas is Amish, and has never seen a film in his life. Nicholas sang his song competently, and sweetly, and dully, and that’s the highest praise you can give to an X Factor contestant these days it seems, as it continues its slow descent into being The Voice but without the spinning chairs but WITH Sharon Osbourne. At least we found out who the mother of Louis’ lovechild was this week, as Mr Walsh dubbed him “my baby Buble”. What an image.
Amongst the contestants who are not Louis-Seed and therefore are less important, Luke’s Friend had by far the more exciting week as he got to sing ON A BOAT. I guess partially to make him seem even more like a free-spirited wandering hippie child of the soil, and also partially so we can all fantasise about pushing him overboard and giving him a good scrub. He sang “Let Her Go” and let’s face it, no matter how badly he sang it, it was still going to be more pleasant than the original, which even Joe Pasquale probably thinks “jeez, take it down a notch squeaky” about. Sam Callahan on the other hand just looked a bit mournful that people were for some reason being mean about his vocal abilities on this modelling show. Louis on the other hand was ON THE CASE, booking Sam in for extra vocal lessons so that he could go out there and do singing betterer. Singing Jason Mraz betterer admittedly but still…
Nicole And The Girls: Ok, first of all THIS. Second of all, we are officially only a week away from Nicole adding “sch” to the start of EVERY SINGLE WORD SHE SAYS, like the comedy drunk equivalent of Scooby Doo. Thirdly of all, Nicole Scherzinger hates “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head”, aka the official Gay National Anthem Of The UK. Although to be fair, she didn’t need to say that – the fact that she got Abi Alton to sing it (for some reason made-up this week to look like she had the mumps) showed it more than her words ever could. I’m a bit disappointed that her godawful wailing version didn’t drop her into the Bottom 2, because it would have made her Cocozza-style Internet Trolling stint on the show even more obvious (putting Kingsland out on a tie vote obviously), ultimately culminating in her being thrown out for going on a three day patchouli bender. Then again, most of the controversy this week was over whether Abi should walk or not so…she’s got some way to go to be as ridiculously obliviously awful as that trainwreck became. (My opinion : no, she NEEDS that tragic piano).
Meanwhile in the battle of the divas (eg black women), Tamera Foster went down the road of singing an Emily Sunday song (*goes cross-eyed*) and talking about her strong church-going roots (*goes so cross-eyed they come all the way back round again*), whilst Hannah Barrett talked about her low self-esteem and sang Beautiful by Christina Aguilera (*eyes detaches entirely from stalks and just fly around randomly in all directions until the pain stops*). Tamera probably won the day vocally, as Louis just spewed out the name of every black female singer he’s heard of since 1980 including noted vocal powerhouse RIHANNA to describe her (but sadly no Sinitta) whilst Hannah just got everyone cooing at her and telling her that she’ll probably end up growing into her body, don’t worry about it.
Next Week : SONGS FROM THE MOVIES WEEK. Always the actual worst. Hopefully we find out this year that a Gummo is actually Nicholas McDonald.