It’s Battle Of Ballroom this week, as all three of the leggy young female contenders get the discipline for their dance of the week. Susanna on the other hand draws Latin -slightly less leggy, slightly less young, but no less female, as she demonstrates as she does a jungle-fantasia themed samba, which mostly consists of her hurling her boobs around like she’s trying to shake them loose. It makes her stand out if nothing else. Also, Kevin is now wearing those glasses for the actual dances themselves, attached at the back with a little bit of rubber-band. I feel pandered to. I like it.
But those ballroom girls? In the classical and refined genres, Brenda & Sophie do a foxtrot (after a bout of vintage clothes shopping that Brenda doesn’t like because BRENDA IS A BOY and BOYS DON’T LIKE SHOPPING) fairly straight up to a classic ballroom number, and Natalie & Artem do a quickstep (after a bout of osteopathy and crying because ARTEM IS AN ARTEM and ARTEM LIKES INJURY PORN) funked-up, out-of-hold, to a Gastbified version of an Usher song. Craig slightly prefers the latter, Len (and I) slightly prefer the former. Abbey on the other hand (after a bout of assault course running and Aljaz gay porn dress-up because STRICTLY LIKES SLOBBERING OVER MEN NOW MORE THAN EVER) do a slightly off-kilter Eurodance tango to Florence & The Machine. In this case it’s Darcey who throws the “I DON’T CARE, I’M GIVING IT AN 8!” strop, leaving all three potential GODDESS OF DANCEs tied in the lead.
Ties also abound further down the leaderboard.
- Ashley’s slightly over-acted but heartfelt Viennese Waltz is marked the same as Ben staying fairly stationary (after whipping his shirt into the audience, natch) whilst Kristina hurls herself around like she’s auditioning for The Exorcist 5 : The Demon Wears Crotchless Panties.
- Rachel’s awkward fumbling attempts at quickstep, which feature more kicks to Pasha’s shins than I’m prepared to witness without getting my woobie sword out (so that’s what you’re calling it these days etc etc) is marked the same as Iveta inventing the genre of salsambchop for Mark – a mixture of salsambcha and hip-hop. Bruce hypes it up as the advent of gangsta rap on Strictly. It is danced to MC Hammer. It’s amazing in a way that means it fully deserves both the 8s and 3s it gets from the judges.
- Julien’s and Dave’s earnest attempts to become the (not very good, but still) dancers they in their hearts know they could be in their salsa and their waltz get marked the same as Deborah going FULL Drunken Auntie Debbie and charging around the dancefloor shrugging her shoulders and kicking the air to Bucks Fizz. Sadly, Julien’s still shouting and Dave is maybe starting to believe his own “People’s Champion” hype. Watch this space.
So who does that leave to mop up then? Patrick, who grins his way manically through a decent cha cha and gets the full deck of NATURAL RHYTHM and INNER GROOVE and YOU ARE BLACK cards flung at him by the judgery, and Fiona, who also lives up to everyone’s stereotypical expectations of her, in a bout of particularly Antons Latiny Anton’s Latin in her rumba. To Westlife. Up-tempo Westlife. Inexplicable is what it is.
(Just as a sidenote, even I, who love Bruce dearly and will defend his doddery stylings to the death, think this should probably be it now. Not a good night at all. Muffing jokes, shouting at the staff, occasionally claiming that Ben is actually going to turn into a car…enough)
The mighty mighty Monk Seal 
Dear, dear, woobie Artem. He knows pain. Can you forget his Tower Ballroom bravery? And Kara’s tears?
My favourite will always be his poor abandoned dance shoe that week he couldn’t partner Holly Valance.
Star of the show this week: IVETA. Even with Aljaz’s bum in play, IVETA CONQUERS ALL. Now, what we really need is a group dance co-choreographed by her and Dame Natalie Lowe.
Mark and Iveta are, for me, the greatest pairing ever on this show. He nails the timing – they hit all the marks in perfect synchrony – he never lets the energy level drop, he completely understands how to add humour into the performance without abandoning the notion of actually effing dancing and becoming the painful Comedy Turn, and he’s the perfect foil for Iveta’s completely batshit insane choreography. Straight up, this woman needs a television show all of her own. Preferably an entire station.
Unfortunately, Dave is so (*ahem*) “endearingly” shit that Mark’s probably going to lose a hell of a lot of the vote that he deserves to him.
I am still applauding Iveta’s leopard play suit and full face of make up in training earlier this week. No sweat pants and au naturel for this pro!
Really? I think he’s a dancer of two halves. Ballroom Mark is great – good storytelling, nice footwork, good movement, sweet and constantly improving. Latin Mark, on the other hand, is just horrible. Both his Latin routines basically consist of him going ‘Phwoar!’, grinding on Iveta, and nasty shirts, with the occasional dance step thrown in (though admittedly the dance steps that are there are good). I think Iveta watched Dave’s cha-cha, went “Right, fat man in shiny shirts shouting a lot and not dancing gets votes, so we do that and we win public’s love!” and it just hasn’t worked.
I demand a FACE-OFF.
Iveta Lukesiute: Life Thief as Nicholas Cage, literally steals Natalie’s face. And then just jives like a mental.
I would know Natalie’s jive technique anywhere. It is unique.
I was confused by the randomness of Aliona and James being up on the Tessanine, Aliona with a rictus grin on her face and James with the face of a boy throwing spitballs from the back of the classroom (which he may well have been doing, truth be told). Is it normal for eliminated pro dancers to hang around like that? I don’t remember their doing that before. Odd.
Probably a good plan to keep them, Aliona especially, where you can keep an eye on them though. Just sayin’
Aliona and James will have been there for the professional dance, which actually means they arrived a day early for the Sunday Results Show *cough*
Thats nothing to the spectacular recovery Craig is going to have tonight when they address the fact that he told them all he was having his hip operation today. Tee Hee.
I still remember series 7, when Matthew Cutler and Aliona both made very early exits, yet were there in the Tesspit EVERY SODDING WEEK as they seemed to do almost all of the pro-dances that series.
I was sick of the sight of them before we were even halfway through the series.
I guess they like it to feel busy up there. I am probably going to miss the gradual sense of whittling down you always used to get. Then again what would a Tessanine be without James noisily complaining about everyone’s scores?
When you set up the vote for ‘Best Pro’, you’ll need separate categories for Kevin and Glasses!Kevin.
I have faith that there are ever more varieties of Kevin waiting to reveal themselves.
Those were not real glasses…
😮
I think he stole them from Artem’s Charleston with Holly…
Spectacular unintentional comedy from Bruce to Fiona – “What happened at the end there? Something happened at the end there?”!!! Oh no Bruce just the last 60 seconds give or take, no biggie.
She does seem to be handled with the kiddiest of kid gloves by the judges in terms of criticism and marks, I mean three 6’s for that is astounding.
She got bonus points for dancing an Anton Rumba and living. It’s more than Laila Rouass managed.
I love that Mark and Iveta have suddenly become “the talked about couple”.
I mean, after the launch show, nobody was really noticing them at all. She was the pro who wasn’t the loud American or the cute one who’d had a fling with Pasha or the sexy Slav with the nice arse or the KevinfromGrimsby. He was the fat bloke that nobody really knew (despite being a FABULOUS ACTOR, PEOPLE!).
Now, her pedigree and his acting talents (plus the fact that he doesn’t sweat much (=is quite a good dancer) for a fat lad) is hopefully ensuring that he stays longer than Dave Mayers. That’s all I ask (it isn’t but I can pretend). He’s better, funnier and more charismatic than Dave. He deserves to be the one who the viewers vote for ahead of one or two people who are better than him. Don’t want to mention names but anyone outside the top three plus “A. N. Other Man” would be fine.
Which cute one that had a fling with Pasha are we talking about? #manslut
Couldn’t get past Robin’s wig. Because all of Bucks Fizz were famed for their…brown hair?
Think Vinthent must have burned the blond one after Scooby Doo last year…
That’s wasn’t Bucks Fizz, that was Fucks Bizz. THE EVIL BUCKS FIZZ FEATURING DAVID VAN DAY.
Obviously Mark & Iveta were great, but they weren’t as good as their Bom Bom performance a couple of weeks ago, which had the Batusi AND bum bongos.
I think it’s just a matter of taste really.
The only genuinely funny bit about Bruce is his insistence on introducing Kevin as “Kevin from Grimsby.” Also, isn’t Tess suddenly getting a bit more sassy and bearable, as Bruce descends into whatever there is left for him to descend into, or is it just me?
No not just you, I thought she has improved since her hosting of the saturday show. She must be aware that it was well recieved.
Tess is just reaching the end of her tether after all these years.
“Kevin From Grimsby” (the name, not the man) has started to get ever so slightly annoying to me. Am waiting for Bruce to try “Aljaz from Slovenska Bistrica”.
Not just you – I had two genuine Tess laughs watching the show, which is extremely unusual.
Drunken Auntie Debbie has clearly been getting Susannah on the cheap white wine after that samba. I missed most of it last night due to a drink spillage incident but watched it earlier today and couldn’t stop laughing from the moment Kevin leapt onto that collapsing stack of rocks.
And speaking of pros hanging round, I presume James will fill in for Craig next week? Or will they just do it with three judges? I’m guessing the former after Jennifer Grey replaced Len for whatever reason a few series back. Of course, in an ideal world they’d bring back Ian, but you can’t have everything.
Aint nothing cheap about Drunken Auntie Debbie’s wine cellar. She’s a FUCKING BILLIONARE. SHE COULD BUY ALL OF YOU, TEN TIMES OVER. *falls over*
Yeah, but you just know she’s keeping the good stuff for herself. Everyone else is lucky if they get Jacob’s Creek.
I know Natalie is so good only because she’s a DIRTY RINGER RUINING THE PURITY OF THE SHOW’S PURPOSE etc etc, but frankly, I don’t give a crap because watching her dance every week is the highlight of the show. Every dance she’s done has been my favourite of that dance in my history of watching Strictly.
All that said, Ben would have got my (ovary) vote this week (if I actually voted lol) because despite the fact he can’t move his hips and was basically stationary, a big beefy guy who can throw a woman around like that on the dance floor is just…OH YEAH.
“Favourite cha cha in the history of Strictly” = Darcey levels of damning with faint praise lbr.