It’s Battle Of Ballroom this week, as all three of the leggy young female contenders get the discipline for their dance of the week. Susanna on the other hand draws Latin -slightly less leggy, slightly less young, but no less female, as she demonstrates as she does a jungle-fantasia themed samba, which mostly consists of her hurling her boobs around like she’s trying to shake them loose. It makes her stand out if nothing else. Also, Kevin is now wearing those glasses for the actual dances themselves, attached at the back with a little bit of rubber-band. I feel pandered to. I like it.
But those ballroom girls? In the classical and refined genres, Brenda & Sophie do a foxtrot (after a bout of vintage clothes shopping that Brenda doesn’t like because BRENDA IS A BOY and BOYS DON’T LIKE SHOPPING) fairly straight up to a classic ballroom number, and Natalie & Artem do a quickstep (after a bout of osteopathy and crying because ARTEM IS AN ARTEM and ARTEM LIKES INJURY PORN) funked-up, out-of-hold, to a Gastbified version of an Usher song. Craig slightly prefers the latter, Len (and I) slightly prefer the former. Abbey on the other hand (after a bout of assault course running and Aljaz gay porn dress-up because STRICTLY LIKES SLOBBERING OVER MEN NOW MORE THAN EVER) do a slightly off-kilter Eurodance tango to Florence & The Machine. In this case it’s Darcey who throws the “I DON’T CARE, I’M GIVING IT AN 8!” strop, leaving all three potential GODDESS OF DANCEs tied in the lead.
Ties also abound further down the leaderboard.
- Ashley’s slightly over-acted but heartfelt Viennese Waltz is marked the same as Ben staying fairly stationary (after whipping his shirt into the audience, natch) whilst Kristina hurls herself around like she’s auditioning for The Exorcist 5 : The Demon Wears Crotchless Panties.
- Rachel’s awkward fumbling attempts at quickstep, which feature more kicks to Pasha’s shins than I’m prepared to witness without getting my woobie sword out (so that’s what you’re calling it these days etc etc) is marked the same as Iveta inventing the genre of salsambchop for Mark – a mixture of salsambcha and hip-hop. Bruce hypes it up as the advent of gangsta rap on Strictly. It is danced to MC Hammer. It’s amazing in a way that means it fully deserves both the 8s and 3s it gets from the judges.
- Julien’s and Dave’s earnest attempts to become the (not very good, but still) dancers they in their hearts know they could be in their salsa and their waltz get marked the same as Deborah going FULL Drunken Auntie Debbie and charging around the dancefloor shrugging her shoulders and kicking the air to Bucks Fizz. Sadly, Julien’s still shouting and Dave is maybe starting to believe his own “People’s Champion” hype. Watch this space.
So who does that leave to mop up then? Patrick, who grins his way manically through a decent cha cha and gets the full deck of NATURAL RHYTHM and INNER GROOVE and YOU ARE BLACK cards flung at him by the judgery, and Fiona, who also lives up to everyone’s stereotypical expectations of her, in a bout of particularly Antons Latiny Anton’s Latin in her rumba. To Westlife. Up-tempo Westlife. Inexplicable is what it is.
(Just as a sidenote, even I, who love Bruce dearly and will defend his doddery stylings to the death, think this should probably be it now. Not a good night at all. Muffing jokes, shouting at the staff, occasionally claiming that Ben is actually going to turn into a car…enough)