Love (Week) Ain’t Here Any More
We open on a smokey ballroom, where a figure whirls elegantly in the distance.
As the camera moves in closer we see it is James
and he appears to be doing the hoovering using Ola. Make sure you shove her into ever corner James, I can only imagine the sequin debris that flies everywhere during your typical Strictly samba. Karen & Kevin,
whirl past them (seriously, are all the male pros wearing fishing waders in this routine? Simon Cowell himself would look at those trousers and baulk), trying to put on a show of romantic wedded bliss before getting
PHOTOBOMBED by a rampaging Aliona armpit. If you thought she was going to go quietly into the Strictly ether…you were wrong. So so wrong. Meanwhile somewhere in the background Iveta and Aljaz
look soulfully into one another’s eyes in the background. Of course, Iveta is a COLD HARD LITHUANIAN WOMAN, so within a minute or so she’s ditched him for Anton
and flying around on her magical broomstick. Anton’s attempts at getting her to come back down to Earth are
less than elegant. At times he doesn’t look so much like a ballroom dancer connecting with his ethereal ballroom bride as he does a paparazzo trying to get an upskirt shot. In the end, Iveta gets her own damned self down from her flight and
lands on top of him. I don’t know who’s doing Anton’s hair this series incidentally, but he does appear to be slowing morphing into Bill Lumbergh. I’m a bit sad that what was quite a nice lyrical ballroom showcase (until Iveta turned into Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters) lasted all of about 60 seconds, whereas Cellblock Mambo last week went on for about half an hour. Never mind.
Some people who I’m not mentioning strike up their instruments and so emerge
these two. Poised, elegant, and in unison as ever. Tess reminds us that love (/Ola straddling a giant fibreglass heart) was definitely in the air last night, as our 14 remaining celebrities danced Love Week. A theme we’ve never seen before and, God willing, we never will again. Sadly, love alone is not enough to save one couple, as tonight they will be divorcing.
Lawyers are already working on who will get custody of the hair bow.
Also happening tonight? Backstage gossip, Len’s Glans
and this week’s musical guest star, Andrea Bocelli. Well…at least it’s not Alfie Boe again. (*shudders*)
So…all that gossip then?
Karen’s kissing technique is about as subtle as her paso choreography was.
Ben’s attempts to sabotage Julien via distraction
are even less so.
Fiona Fullerton thinks she can do a Cilla Black impersonation. Which is nice.
HANDS OFF BIZZOTCH, HE’S MINE!
Ahem. Rachel’s favourite thing in the world is getting Strictlified. I wonder what her husband has to say about that.
James appears to have had a
nipple enlargement. I hope he didn’t use one of those illegal back-alley nipple surgeons. So dangerous.
this is a bit awkward.
Bruce just loves Julien.
Abbey announced that she didn’t care what the judges said. Two series later she found herself paired with an antiquated golfer (AM I RITE, ALIONA?)
For his paso doble, Dave back-combed his hair, donned lip gloss and had a double dip tan. Karen meanwhile
just threw on what she wears to go down Tescos on a Sunday morning.
Vanessa has a ruddy filthy laugh
Time now for the first wave of Safety Sex Faces
Getting better I think. Nice to know that Sophie has a good one in her after last week’s set of extensive warm-up exercises. Our first couple in the Love Dungeon however are
these two. They seem kind of resigned to it. You’d never know that Janette had ever been a SHOCK! BOOT! before in her life would you? They pop over to Len, and Tess asks Len plaintively how Julien could possibly be on the bottom 2 when Len said that he’d had his best dance to date.
Number of couples Len did not give either their best score or joint best score of the series to last night : two. Sophie because it wasn’t her Charleston, and Ashley because ZOMG LEN HATES LOVE WEEK apparently. Len ignores the wail to tell Julien that he needs to “keep calm and carry on” in the dance-off. Our Head Judging apparently mostly being done via novelty t-shirt slogans nowadays anyway. Can’t wait for him to tell us that he came to Strictly and all he got was that lousy cha cha. The main thing apparently is for Julien to “not go crazy”.
Tess asks him how he feels about being in the dance-off and he’s all “oh I’m used to it by now”. And I would imagine he’s going to stay used to it.
Up to Claud 9 now, which is currently populated by
6 women and Ben. It hardly seems fair does it? Claudia asks Natalie if she’s over the moon to be through and Natalie rote replies that she’s really glad that the judges scored her so kindly and she’s so glad to be through to next week.
You can sort of still feel the tension behind the face can’t you? Of course I may just be casting aspersions because she’s
totally getting a dreamy-eyed shoulder rub from Ben throughout. (*photoshops self into picture and saves for private use later*) Natalie then cries a bit, but blates it’s only to lure Ben further into her web, the EVUL RINGAH.
Claudia next asks Fiona if she’s also over the moon and she says that she is. She doesn’t get felt up in sympathy by Ben Cohen for it though.
You can tell she’s a bit pissed-off about it as well. HE’S TALL, HE COULD HAVE REACHED.
Anyway, Susanna then has to lurch in, like a drunken Poochie
all “DO YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK CLAUDIA? I THINK IT’S A REAL SHAME THAT ANYBODY HAS TO LEAVE! CAN WE NOT CHANGE IT SO WE ALL GET TO STAY IN THE SHOW FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND WE ALL BE FRIENDS AND DRINK RAINBOW JUICE AND EAT BUTTERCUP CAKE UNTIL TIME ITSELF STOPS IN A HAPPY BUBBLE AROUND OUR BLESSED SOULS? (PS : I still get to win at the end)” and…she probably should have fought that instinct, let’s be honest.
Next up, having learnt no lessons at all from last week when a pop singer tried to sing like a jazz singer, we’re lining up Andrea Bocelli
an opera singer at the moment apparently trying to sing the Great American Songbook (/goat being fellated underwater). Next week : Andrea Begley does death-metal. Seriously, why can’t people stick to the genre they’re good at any more? I blame X Factor and the curse of “making it your own”. On the upside
Aliona looks the prettiest I think I’ve ever seen her look throughout, as she dances old Hollywood style around Aljaz and a bench. It almost as though she had the weight of getting to tell the producers to go fluck themselves off her shoulders all of a sudden isn’t it? All light and easy and devil may care.
Once we’re done, it’s time for Len’s Glans!
Claudia welcomes the judges to the plinth as being the “love gods of Strictly”. For this purpose I have scoured mythology for the four best names of Love Gods, and can exclusively reveal that Len is Bastet, Darcey is Hymen, Craig is Frigg, and Bruno is Xochiquetzal.
We begin with what Claudia calls the greatest moment in the 10 year history of Strictly
Ola acting. I have to admit, it’s pretty amazing. Craig reveals EXCLUSIVELY that James was really looking forward to cream-pieing him. Let’s face it, we’ll all kind of felt that undercurrent all along haven’t we? Next to be dissected are Sophie’s samba rolls
I’ll be honest, I can’t imagine anybody’s samba rolls look great in slow-motion, unless they’re professional latin dancers, but she does mostly just look nauseous. Len bigs up what a really difficult move the samba roll is, which is making me wonder why it’s being forced down a woman in week 3 when her previous biggest technical challenges have been a week 1 waltz and a friggin Charleston. Apparently Sophie’s Strictly Journey is supposed to involve teleportation.
Next up, in yet another move that I’m sure will help her dampen down her ringerdom, Natalie is used as a life model for Darcey to demonstrate ballet terms on :
“Developpe” – stick your leg out
“Fouette” – shake it all about
“Ronde de jambe” – do the hokey kokey, that’s what IT’S ALL ABOUT.
As a small treat for learning us all about ballet, Darcey gets 20 seconds of shirtless Ashley Taylor Dawson. I’m sure Michael Gove is right on introducing that in all free schools across the country as we speak.
Next up, we get to rewind and slow-mo as Bruce does his old
“disgruntled that a man kissed a man” routine, in the aftermath of Ben pecking Craig on the cheek. My favourite part is when he grumpily wafts at Craig to STAY AWAY, like he wasn’t just sat there cheerfully minding his own business. Let’s set Stephen Fry on him. More interesting in that clip? Bruno’s slow-motion face of PURE BURNING JEALOUSY.
We close on Dave, and as in the recap I’m not recapping it. I am assiduous about my made-up and arbitrary rules of DAHNCE I’ll have you know. You’ll all thank me later. This is the only thing staving off a Deborah Meaden victory, I’ll have you know. You can have Bruno yelling “FLAMENCO? MORE LIKE FLAMEN-NO!”
and nobody laughing. That’s your limit.
Time now, for more Safety Sex Faces then.
I have to say, Iveta not coming last in public votes is going to take some getting used to for me. I’m working on it. Anyway, this leaves Hairy vs Scary in the race to be in the bottom two and, I mean
if you thought Dave was going to be in the bottom 2 this early on then good luck to you.
Vanessa and James wander over to Tess to loud cheers and claps and I have to admit I thought Vanessa would last a bit longer than this in the public vote, via sheer force of daytime fame than anything else. Not quite to Fern Britton levels, but maybe not too far off. Ah well. Tess reminds Craig that he told Vanessa that she lacked sharpness and focus the first time around, and then asks him what she needs to do differently this time around. And of course Craig tells her that she
kind of just answered her own question before she even asked it, well done. He tells Vanessa to “hone it in”(/”be less annoying”).
Back up to Claud 9 now :
Boys & Blondes Edition. Claudia draws reference to Abbey’s “ikkle face” and then Abbey’s “ikkle face”
sinks into Mark Benton’s chest after being pumelled by more of the comedy stylings of Dave Myers (“I were sweating like a dumpling in a stock pot”). It’s alright Abbey, I’m sure you could be just as funny, if you tried (NB : please don’t try). Claudia next moves on to the fact that yet again Robin has a partner who bugs fit to beat the band when they’re declared safe, and Deborah declares “THAT’S JUST ME”. I can’t wait for her to take this new attitude to Dragon’s Den and full on wet herself every time someone picks her over Kelly Hoppen.
We close with Ashley, and Claudia telling him that he must have had his dream night, and Ashley decides to out-nausea Susanna by pondering aloud
how he’d feel having to tell his little boy that “DADDY’S NOT DANCING ANY MORRRE!!! *sad face*”. Oooh, oooh, if you’d have problems doing it, I’m happy to volunteer. I’ll bring puppets.
This week on It Takes T
oh, damn, sorry Zoe, you finish up, I’ll be back later, don’t mind me. *closes door*
Back up to a pre-dance-off Claud 9 now and
jeez Janette, look more like his probation worker why don’t you? Claudia asks Julien how he feels, and Julien says that he hopes that it’s second-time lucky.
Nope, you’re still here, never mind. They do remember to commiserate with their vanquished foes this week, for all the good it will do them.
Vanessa and James toddle over to Tess, and I’m so braced for her to launch into a big long speech complete with two-dollar-words, that when she just does the usual “I’ve had fun, James has been great, my highlight was doing a waltz, thanks for having me” bit, I almost fall over. Maybe if you’d started like this a bit earlier Vanessa, you’d still be in the show.
More than anything it’s going to be odd not having James around. He’s made at least the semis in each of the last three series. And now? First lady-boot. Unnerving.