I miss Deadlock.
Sharon And The Overs: So obviously the big news this year is that Sharon is back. That and that Dermot is doing that whole “NO, STOP TALKING ABOUT MY MASSIVE PENIS, IT’S SO EMBARRASSING YOU GUYS! NOBODY NEEDS TO HEAR ABOUT MY MASSIVE PENIS! MY MASSIVE PENIS IS SO BORING, PLEASE STOP BRINGING IT UP, IT’S MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE TO CONSTANTLY GET ALL THESE REFERENCES TO MY MASSIVE PENIS!” thing that the first boy in school to develop always did. I can’t wait for him to progress to the “OH IT’S REALLY TINY ACTUALLY *wink wink*” stage. Also I saw about three episodes of BBLB growing up where he wore skintight lycra shorts and…no. Not.
Ahem, anyway, Sharon’s back, because apparently the wit of Frankie Howard being force-fed through and out of a mummified cat’s anus like tuna paste through a Play-Doh Fun Factory is what all the kids had forgotten they were into since the last time she was here. For me the only two times I got value out of Sharon was her shading Steve Brookstein and when she sat there infuriated as Simon was bewitched by Dannii Minogue’s fancy new vagina. But still, here she is, to mentoring what Miley Cyrus is to mental health advocacy, with two acts in the bottom 2 in Week 1. Again. As ever I only started watching this nonsense at Judges Houses, so excuse me if I’m ignoring some tantrum that happened in the Magic Chairs of Boob Camp but Lorna Simpson was by far the favourite of the two, if only for that newspaper article where she got confronted with pictures from her youth of her dry-humping a pump-action shotgun and her excuse being “I was just holding it for a policeman”. It swiftly became apparent over the course of the episode that Lorna was staring down the barrel of an early boot, as she whimpered “nobody knows who I am outside of my love of fondling munitions” (we’ve all been there) and then the show decided to remedy this by surrounding her with shirtless men and having her do a boringly perfect Whitney impersonation.
Because if there’s one thing you always hear about this show it’s “it could do with more Whitney”.
Shelley Smith was less enticing, just because she felt like Sharon falling into her usual trap of thinking “accent + shouting = profit”. Just because it worked with Chico Sharon, doesn’t mean I want to sit through Komedy Kimberley and this yomping wurzel. If you want to know just how irrelevant Shelley is, she sang “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” and “One Night Only” and Gary told her off for being too 80s and yet SHE’S STILL SOMEHOW HERE, over Lorna who was all too briefly the double-barrelled queen of my heart. Also limping on was Sam Bailey (yes, Sharon has cast her category like she’s chief director of Viking River Cruises IN 2013 WHY DO YOU ASK?) who somehow didn’t get told off for being too 80s despite the fact that she’s the most 80s thing I’ve seen outside of ALF, Teddy Ruxpin and My Pet Monster all singing about just saying no to Drug AIDS to Tipper Gore whilst eating Discos and wearing parachute pants. Her backstory is that she is a warden in Wentworth Prison, on Cell Block H, and she sang “The Power Of Love” by Jennifer Rush. 80S WEEK!
Gary And The Groups So Gary’s big thing this year, other than hating fun as per usual, is that he’s leaving. Gary mentions he’s leaving and over and finished and this is his farewell tour so many times that even this week’s special guest star Cher was all “…alright” about it. I imagine. When I imagine Cher. Which is often. More than I imagine Ellie Goulding, I’ll tell you that for free. So obviously as it’s Gary’s Goodbye Year (depending what day of his cycle it is, it also might be Louis’ last year, and also it’s definitely Sharon’s last year but WHO CARES?) so they’ve given him a plum category. You know, just like he was going to “bring dignity back to the Overs” last year. Can’t wait to see how this one Maloneys itself up. Miss Dynamix are already up the creek, as one of them is up the duff. As she revealed to the rest of the band in a clip that I can’t believe didn’t feature more swearing and which actually probably did the first thirty times they tried to film it. The fact that they’re this year’s Frankenband only makes it more delicious. You think you’ve been saved from solo ignominy and delivered into being part of the new One Direction/Little Mix, and then you get chained to a timebomb who, based on her performance during their stab at “Jump”, keeps on trying to harmonise with her own foetus.
More likely lads are Rough Copy (of JLS) who are apparently favourites to win (you know, just like The Risk were at this stage). One of them was thrown out because of Visa issues, but then Gary Barlow pulled some strings with immigration and got him reinstated, which just goes to show that Gary is far more powerful than Cheryl Cole could ever hope to be (NEVA4GET GABU!) and also that even the flintiest of Torys can be softened by having someone sing 90s R & B at him. GET ON IT, RUSBRIDGER! They sang Phil Collins, and got called the best band Nicole Scherzinger had ever seen on the show. Who even were the bands last year? It was 12 interchangeable pre-pubescent boys and that androgynous girl hanging around calling Louis “Uncle Louis” wasn’t it? Stiff competition indeed. Making up the numbers are Kingsland whose gimmick is that they all have a different variety of Chinese dried noodle on their head. They sang “I’m Your Man” and everyone in unison I hope made the joke about them being 5 Andrew Ridgeleys in search of a George. Some of them looking more vociferously than other it has to be said.
Louis & The Boys Yes, Louis has the boys, and we all know what that means…PAEDO JOKES : THE INTERNET’S GOT ‘EM. Hopefully the distasteful homophobic jibes will be quelled by the fact that the great hope for the category – Nicholas MacDonald – looks exactly like Louis. Like…EXACTLY. All the slightly unnerving mannerisms as well. The thought that Louis has had a secret lovechild out here for the last decade, waiting to claim his birthright as soon as he comes of age, tickles me. He’s inherited his dad’s deep love and appreciation for music as well, as he had to skype his mum to be told what “True” by Spandau Ballet sounded like. KIDS EH, DON’T YOU JUST LOVE EM? He does at least seem to sing better than others of his X Factor mould did, which I’m saying is a small mercy now, but Eoghan made it to third whilst sounding like a human rendering of the noises of Angry Birds, so it may seem less exciting when Nicholas is staring down victory in his velvet suit that’s five sizes too large for him.
Also making up the numbers in this category are “The Fit One” Sam Callahan, who did 50 WACKY things for charity one year that all seemed to somehow involve getting his dick out (I WENT IN A RIVER…AND GOT MY DICK OUT! I GOT A TATTOO…WITH MY DICK OUT! I ATE A REALLY BIG PIZZA…WITH MY DICK OUT) and sang “Summer Of 69” aka the National Anthem Of The United States of Louis, and Luke’s Friend. Said in the tone of something your mum would say, like “you know, Luke’s friend? The one with the stupid hair of sells all that dope down by the railway bridge?”. Luke seemed really fascinated that his stupid hair has a fuckawful twitter parody account, like every body part of every human being currently on tv, right down to George Lamb’s pinkie fingernail doesn’t have its own fuckawful twitter parody account. He sang “Every Breath You Take” with scant regard for the tune, but everyone was talking about his stupid hair anyway, when they could pick it out from around Dermot’s HILARIOUS PENIS (so to speak), so who cares?
Nicole & The Girls It’s not Nicole’s last year by the way, because X Factor UK is literally the only place anybody likes her. And she’s tried many many places. She’s finally found a place where she’s comparatively the least worst (and she couldn’t find that IN THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS APPARENTLY, SO THINK ON) and good luck to her for it. My favourite so far in her category is Abi Alton. Before you spit in my face, Abi is my favourite entirely because the show lacks a joke act this year (no, Sharon doesn’t count) and she’s the closest I can find. She’s like the Cocozza of Series 10. Where he embodied every serial-shagging “lads on tour” bantermonger that ticks so many people off, so she embodies completely the John Lewis advert school of contemporary balladry – taking a song that was already pretty MOR to begin with and reducing it to a shrill girlish “kooky” peep. She even has FLOWERS IN HER HAIR. LIKE SANDI THOM PROPHESIED! WHAT’S NOT TO LAUGH AT? She did “Livin On A Prayer” at a haunted piano and it was dire.
Also in the category are Tamera Foster (Sharon thinks this is an “exotic” name by the way which…I guess by comparison to Sharon (and not much else) it is) and Hannah Barrett who works/lives/was born in a Greggs, and is sadly not (S Club Fans) the love-child of Hannah Spearritt and Tina Barrett. She sang “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and nearly lost a lung. Tamera meanwhile is the favourite who’s the favourite when Rough Copy aren’t being the favourite. It does seem oddly convenient that the frontrunners this go-around are a black male vocal harmony group and a sassy black female diva, in the same year that Alexandra Burke and JLS both stopped being relevant. It does feel rather like they’re growing them for parts like “Never Let Me Go” doesn’t it? Then again they constantly keep on trying to force the new One Direction into existence whilst the old lot are still around, pumping out negging songs and losing their pants (CALL ME, RESENTFUL!). Tamera sang Chaka Khan, anoynmously, woo. 80S WEEK!
Next Week : Love & Heartbreak Week. Featuring KATY PERRY AND ROBIN THICKE ON THE SAME RESULTS SHOW! Can we call Lorna back and ask her to bring her little friend?