*cloud of Aliona shaped smoke goes here*
We begin with what was hyped by Aliona on twitter as a “gangsta routine”.
Or maybe she was referring to Matt Goss. Whichever one’s closer to “like Bugsy Malone, but if the splurge guns were full of custard”. The idea is that all the female pros have been locked up in jail for CRIMES AGAINST SEXX or whatever, Artem is their sado-masochistic gaoler, the other male pros are his minions, apart from Kevin, who is preparing for a photoshoot for a
specialist magazine. (I knew that chest wax would never take. NOT IN GRIMSBY, BITCH). All danced to a version of “Crazy In Love” that has all of the womps turned up to MAXIMUM WOMP.
I’m not sure what CRIME AGAINST SEXX the female pros have committed, but the punishment appears to be
to pretend you’re in a really bad Kate Bush video. Like, for “Rubberband Girl” or something. For those on Pro Partnerships Patrol, we seem to have settled down on :
James & Ola
Karen & Kevin
Pasha & Anya
Janette & Artem
Robin & Kristina
Aliona & Brenda
Aljaz & Iveta
Anton & A Mug Of Cocoa And A Magazine Backstage Somewhere
Anyway, as the gaolers are distracted by their own masculinity, wrapped up in performing the sort of Morris Dance Foot-Slapping moves first performed by Jason Donovan in his HIGHLY EROTIC AND DISTURBING ARGENTINE TANGO (*neva forget*)
the women prisoners stage a jailbreak and
get their tits out and stuff. WOOO! In the ensuing prison riot, Artem punches Janette in the face, Robin gets his boobs half-ripped off and Pasha mostly hangs around the back looking scared. The mastermind?
Ba’duh. Any riot that involves stripping off can only have come from one brain.
Anyway, that over with, guess who’s Back In Black?
It’s kind of a relief, I have to say. Given that the majority of the show’s audience are of retirement age it felt like a bit of a risk throwing 4 new pros AND Claudia in pastels at them all in one go. They run down our menu of entertainments – “all the gossip” from backstage from last night, the dreaded (mostly by me) dance-off, and of course
Len’s Glans. Best of all though, according to Tess, is that there’s a BRAND NEW LEADER OF THE RAT PACK.
MATT GOSS! FROM BROS! NO, NOT THE FAMOUS ONE. THE OTHER ONE! That she can sell that sentiment with even close to a straight face makes me think I might has misjudged Tess. Not by much, but by enough. I mean…the only way that Matt Goss is going to be the new leader of the Rat Pack, is that if he too secretly turned out to be Frank Sinatra’s son, and took it as an inherited title. And even then you know it’d kind of default to Ronan Farrow anyway, by account of his all-round amazingness.
Sorry, where was I? Ahem, yes, it’s time for ALL THAT BACKSTAGE GOSSIP!
Deborah wore make-up
Ben also wore make-up
Rachel was a lot better at the Strictly Sexy Face (ie the duck-lipped selfie face) backstage than she was on the dancefloor.
Before his dance, Tony theorised that there are 100 ways to mess up a dance routine, but only one way to get it right. He then proved this wrong by finding 101 ways on the night.
The hot ginger stage-manager is back, and I am READY.
Fiona sees Anton as her security blanket. One which someone left the remote control lurking under based on this week.
Julien thinks it’s impossible to keep everybody happy. One person might be a start.
Patrick & Anya even high-five boring.
ALL THE GOSSIP, I’M SURE YOU’LL AGREE!
Anybody now ready for your first round of Strictly Safety Sex-Faces 2013?
It’s good to be back. This means that our first couple staring down the barrel of elimination are
these two. She cares. For all of you who claim that the dance-off makes the results show more tense by the way, by my count this makes it 13 minutes into a 40 minute episode that I know who’s going home, as opposed to if it had been left up to the bonkers whims of the UK public. 27 minutes of filler to go! As they walk to the judges, Tony jokily whines “BOO HOO HOO!” as Aliona asks him if he’s ok, like she’s escorting a 6 year old with a nose-bleed to the school nurse.
Tess asks Len if he’s surprised to see Tony in the dance-off. You know, given as how he’s the “Spirit Of Strictly” and all that. Len lies that he a little surprised, as people normally vote for the “underdog”. Some things go beyond underdog Len. Way way beyond. Len then smarms
at Tony that ALL LEN’S MATES from the golf club were voting for him, so he doesn’t know what happened. Maybe that you’ve got no mates Len? Hey Aliona, what do YOU think of all Len’s mates from the golf club.
Tess asks Tony how he’s feeling, and he says that he’s much calmer than he was earlier.
I guess this is what they call “being at peace with it”. Tess then asks Craig for his dance-off advice for Tony, and Craig tells him to just go mad with it, because he’s got “nothing to lose, except the competition”. Yeah, no, I agree Craig, if he stays in he definitely might win.
Off up to Claud 9 now
and how I have missed calling it that. Claudia hoots that she’s up here with 6 delirious dancers. Well, 5 really. Natalie
looks about as delirious as anyone suddenly realising that they’re about to dance in something called “Love Week” can be expected to. Claudia immediately turns to Deborah and tells her that she’s won “Best Face”, using the pre-watershed term for it there. Anyway, it’s a bit early for that Claudia, although Robin’s partners do have form (the bunch of hammy gasping gurners that they have been <3). Deborah obliges by looking surprised and talking about how she genuinely can’t believe she’s still here. Claudia repeats “you’re STILL HERE” in the tone I was using about Bloody Lulu by around Week 5.
Claudia asks Mark if he thought the judges harsh comments meant that he could have been in danger, and Mark says that he was going to be nervous anybody, because it really could have been anyone. But turns out it was the arthritic old man and the screeching fashion designer. WHO KNEW?
Tess next asks who on Claud 9 remembers Bros. Natalie appears to have been a full
Brosette. Patrick…not so much. He was really more of a Big Fun man. Anyway, the reason she’s asking this is that it’s time for
Matt is singing “When Will I Be Famous” in a style that apparently somebody thinks they can pass off as “swing”. Presumably because he’s wearing a fedora and someone’s playing one-finger piano in the background. I guess at least he’s not SLOWED IT DOWN AND MADE IT INTO AN EMOTIONAL BALLAD. Thank heavens for small mercies. Meanwhile the lady-pros
tart around in ugly purple lipstick and hats that mostly hide their faces. Can’t think why they wouldn’t want their identities associated with this whole routine. Hem.
Back up to Claud 9 again, as the judges all file on ready for the next bit.
Suddenly I have an image of Craig doing this bit post hip-op holding glittery clutches as Bruno lurches and gyrates next to him, not at all rubbing it in that he’s twice Craig’s age (at least) and HAS STILL GOT IT, BABY. In the vision, Craig also has a neckbrace for some reason. Anyway, yes, it’s time for
LEN’S GLANS. It’s the part of the show where everyone gawps and laughs at still frames and slow-mo of the dances from the night before to laugh at all the funny faces. IE, the bit already covered amply by these recaps, but let’s do it again anyway! Claudia introduces it as the “fifth member” on the judging panel. I mean…there were parts of Fiona’s cha-cha where there was very nearly a fifth member wedged into the judging panel, but let us NEVER MENTION THAT AGAIN.
Actually I may moan, but the first item for consideration under Len’s Glans is actually a technical point, but Len pointing out the beautiful (apparently) Viennese Crosses in Susanna’s tango.
Look at them go! He even subverts Claudia’s attempts to play it as a joke by asking “ISN’T THAT A CAKE?!” by tersely pointing out to her that that’s a Viennese Whirl. Which is really more of a biscuit, but let’s not fall into that whole debate. Remember the CARNAGE in the comments section when Ali Bastian got Jaffa Cakes wrong? So much deleting that day. Darcey’s next and she admires Natalie’s ability to
whip her head back and forth again. Imagine if the mane had been out in full force though. IMAGINE. Glorious.
Bruno is next up and even for him we’re denied comedy footage, as we are all invited to watch
Bruno staring, counting out loud and tapping his pen in time with the steps, like the strict dance teacher he is. Worse than Artem. WORSE THAN KAREN HARDY. Bruno defends his OCD counting by saying “well I am very involved in watching the dance because what I say has to make sense!”
Anyway, spent by three whole segments of seriousness and learning and proper DAHNCE appreciation, Len’s Glans collapses under the strain, and closes by just
pointing and laughing at Mark Benton’s face. Well…it was a nice dream we had there for a while wasn’t it?
Ready for more Safety Sex-Faces? Well, here we go.
This leaves Vanessa and Julien battling it out for the last desperate spot of safety outside of the Bottom Two. (Who knows why they left Anton and Fiona that long. Some things go beyond tantra – Anton had clearly needed a release for about 3 hours). The losers of that scramble being
these two. James is
ecstatic, as you might expect. Apparently Vanessa IMMEDIATELY asked if this meant that they were the third least popular couple with the public. Better than that Vanessa, you could be the SECOND least favourite popular couple with the public. Think on that! Of course James told her that the whole thing was in no particular order, in the sense of “no particular order” that means “we leave until last the sort of people who we think might respond to stress by, say, scrawling incoherent pretentious dribble on the table in chalk and yelling at everyone to FUCK OFF”.
Julien and Janette wander over to Tess, who sadly mutters “nobody wants to stand next to me at this point in the evening”.
Three hours under studio lights will do that to a girl. Tess asks Darcey why, given that it is apparently “without question that Julien and Janette have entertained us”
they might have wound up in the dance-off. Darcey thinks it must be their lack of technical merit. Yes Darcey, next to DAVE. That’s undoubtedly what did it. Tess asks Julien how he feels and Julien just yells that he’s had a
FABOOLUSSLY SPARKLIN TIME! You’re certainly sparkling Julien. You’re so laden down with spangly crap that you look like a game of Gay Buckaroo.
Back up to Claud 9 now where the saved celebrities are actually
showing the full range of possible emotional responses to being safe. Apart from Natalie Lowe Shocked Face obviously but let’s face it, we’re never seeing the likes of that again. We get our first “your ickle face” from Claudia, to Vanessa, in reference to her face whilst waiting to be called safe. Like anybody could see it around the Force 10 Gurn Tornado Sophie was pulling. (I haven’t taken any pictures this week, because I know ITS TIME WILL COME). Vanessa says it was an excruciating wait, and she’s very excited to get to dance(/do reality tv shit) again next week. Dave also says that he’s so glad that he didn’t have to do the dance-off, and Ashley ponders on how he has had the best week of his life, what with the new baby and not being in the dance-off. Bet that first-born’s pretty hacked off by being pushed down into second place solely by the fact that its arrival didn’t herald its daddy beating a 69 year old man at dancing.
We hurry away next, getting ever closer to the tackfest that will be Love Week (I’m already seeing the giant plush Forever Friends teddies in my mind’s eye), with a comedy VT that begins with Susanna asking Rachel what she does to show her husband that she loves him.
“I write him a nice little love equation”
A nation’s housewives go “YEAH RIGHT LOVE, SURE YOU DO, THAT’S IT” in unison, and then Dave
mimes “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”, sort of, and then all the other contestants turn into a marching band.
I don’t even know with this show any more, sometimes. I don’t even know.
Back to a pre dance-off Claud 9 now, where Aliona
is looking so bored of life I wonder if security is adequately prepared for a jumper, because let’s face it, Claudia’s not adequately equipped to hold back the Shopping Bag from American Beauty, let alone an athletic dancer. Claudia asks Julien if he’s sad, and he says he’s not and then he shouts something or other about Julien things, and then the dance-off happens.
Ba’duh. Janette’s SCREECH of happiness at getting Craig’s vote is quite something. I guess nobody told her that the British pride humility over enthusiasm in victory. Of course Julien then one-ups her by basically
throwing her at Tony then running off wooping without stopping to even glance at the poor old retired golfer he just left under his wheels. There is a level. Although maybe it was in Aliona’s contract. “10. In the event of her elimination, Aliona will not be touched by screechy little fashion designers”.
As they leave, Tony says that he’s sure that he’s not been the easiest of pupils for Aliona as she
lets us all know that that was indeed the case. He says that he’s really happy that he did the show, and that he’s got a new found respect for the work ethic of hoofers everywhere. Tess pointedly ignores Aliona, as she has done all series, as I’m fairly sure she’s shit-scared of her.
During the final dance
Aliona parties on. I’m glad that we at least got to have this goodbye. (You know, unless she comes back next series) (lol)