As ever, the Results Shows are a little slow to get going. Len’s Glans is a little rusty, the recap of the dances goes on far too long with far too little to say, and everybody’s warming up for their Monkie Award winning Safety Sex Faces gently, with some nice easy routines. The mild gasp. The smirk. The exhale. The turn and smile. The disingenuous light hand touch to chest of humility. We’re still a long way from the full collapse-and-gurn. Deborah seems to be an early frontrunner, but I’m sure things could change. It’s early days.
Nothing, however, quite says “a little slow to get going” like “let’s get Matt Goss on to do a swing version of ‘When Will I Be Famous'”. Coming up in future weeks : Glenn Madeiros returns to do a high NRG Eurodance remix of “Nothing’s Gonna Change My Love For You”, Baltimora come back to do a goth-rock version of “Tarzan Boy” and Samantha Fox just wanders around drunkenly yelling “TOUCH ME, TOUCH ME NOW!” until security all pile one. Our official pro routine meanwhile is a mash-up of Crazy In Love and Cellblock Tango, featuring all the professional dancers apart from Anton. I’m guessing not even jail could hold his…erm…enthusiasm in.
After it takes a century to reveal the results, and Vanessa gets teased mercilessly with the prospect of an early boot, we’re left with an entirely predictable Bottom Two of Julien and Tony. Len muses confusedly on how the public haven’t voted for the underdog (when the underdog this series is clearly “ALL MEN, EVERYWHERE”) and Darcey tells Julien that she knows the only reason the public haven’t taken to him is his lack of dance technique. B’OKAY DARCEY.
Both couples perform about the same as last time, right down to Aliona’s limp cartwheel, and Julien is of course saved. For this week at least.
And so Aliona dances off into the sunset. She goes a little freestyle in Tony’s dance and you can just feel Tess and Claudia drawing back in case they have to call security. Good times.