So after last night’s relatively tasteful affair, tonight’s show rapidly turns into a terrifying race to the bottom where no bad-taste stone is left unturned, into which both Rachel Riley and Abbey Clancy innocently wander thinking they’re just here to do a dance and then go home again. Oh how wrong you were ladies. Both of them are fine, Abbey a little bit more so, but Rachel surpassing my expectations of her by further than Abbey did wins my heart a little bit more. Pasha definitely had nothing to do with it. No sir. Just like Aljaz’s ridonkodonk (RIDONKODONK) booty has nothing to do with my admiration for Abbey.
The rest of them? *deep breath*
Patrick actually does a fairly decent early jive, although he could do with some shoes with better grip because he’s officially sliding about for half of it like a giraffe flying through a 1950s diner on roller-skates. He’s still by some distance one of the better (if not the best) male celebrities of the weekend though albeit very, very earnest about it. Anya still stubbornly refuses to make much of an impression but I have hope. He gets the same score as Susanna did yesterday, making the whole “lets make everyone do the same dances to compare them” bit feel a little pointless.
Not as pointless as it feels in the tango though, as both Drunken Auntie Debbie and Fiona Fullerton manage to tie Mark’s tango score from the first show as well. The former does a routine actually set on the Dragon’s Den set (albeit with a…slightly more elaborate chair) which she gives plenty of mad-eye and attack but also plenty of, what I’m sure will soon be patented, Drunken Aunty Debbie stumbles. It does though, feel quite ambitious in choreography, which gives me some hope for Robin moving forwards. Anton’s choreography is equally ambitious, in that it revolves entirely around the audience buying him as James Bond. Yes, Fiona’s claim to fame is being spent already, as she dances a tango to the Bond theme that destroyed Jade Johnson’s career. She’s very wobbly and uneasy in hold, but it’s been so long since Anton had a non-comedy partner that everyone craps themselves on the spot and declares it genius. Just only 24 points worth of genius.
The cha chas? My goodness. This is where things get really weird. Ben’s is probably the most sane in that it’s just bad – lumbering, awkward, tentative, to a fairly unsuitable modern pop song. You can feel the Calzaghe flashbacks radiating from Kristina’s poor damaged psyche, and what’s worse is that she’s not even going to get a shag out of this one. Vanessa, Julien and Dave though…oh my. Vanessa and James play out a dating game scenario where James tries to win Vanessa’s heart via romance, flowers, and witty conversation, and then says “sod it” and gets his kit off. Vanessa spends the whole dance indifferent to it all, boggling her eyes into space like Marge Simpson in Streetcar : The Musical. She then gives a speech about the menopause. Julien does a Vogue to Vogue, except he kind of spoils the haughty, refined, slick, mute feline grace of Vogue by screaming and clapping his hands like he’s on the Radio One Roadshow throughout. Janette thought steadfastly refuses to stop trying to be sexy because she JUST CAN’T.
Dave though…man…he runs around the dancefloor flipping his hands like a baby T-Rex screaming WAAHHHHHHH WAAHHHHHHH and tossing his mane around and THIS IS JUST THE FIRST 5 SECONDS. In the remaining 95 Karen crams in every single random dance move that she can into the choreographyfor Maximum Ridiculous Potential. Hip-thrusts, finger-wags, bodyrolls, sex-faces, awful, awful armography, hair-flips, duck-faces, fist-punches, moves that look like they beyond in fight sequences from the 60s Batman TV Show, skip, gambols, limp-wristed flounces, pogoing, a move where Karen falls over and Dave just grabs her ankle and slides her around on her arse…. It’s a Dadaist attempt to make the worst dance possible and goddarnit I think Karen actually does it. Where they go from here I don’t know, but I’m laughing too much to really care.