Strictly Come Dancing 11- Week 1 Performance (1) Summary

OK – most important things first, Susanna is the “ho”. For completeness’ sake, I’ll mention that Aliona gets one as well, but Susanna SEIZES her “ho”dom with such gusto that I have to give it to her. The only thing Aliona will be seizing with gusto this year is the bottle of drambuie.

So somewhere up in the dark twisted blasted near-deserted hinterlands that are the BBC Light Entertainment Department post Yewtree, somebody finally realised that nobody wants to sit through 15 waltzes and cha chas (BORING) in the space of one weekend, so our usual Week One dances are spiced up by the addition of jive and tango (NOT BORING). It’s the best decision the show’s made since the thought “hmmmm…I’m sure Nancy Dell’Olio’s not up to much” floated through Evil Moira Ross’s head.

Probably the most triumphant example of how this was a good idea comes from Susanna Reid, who has been landed with the jive in Week 1, to Alesha’s jive theme tune, and somehow through sheer forced of effort manages to convert it into, for half of it, a triumphant party starter of a stompathon that really should have opened the series, and for the other half of it, a glorious sloppy romp that ends with the world’s worst cartwheel. Which somehow makes it even better. Also Kevin wears glasses that make me come over all unnecessary. Pasha better get his game on, is all I’m saying.

The evening’s tango is performed by Mark Benton, who embraces being the comedy turn halfway through the opening credits when he pulls an On The Buses face and never lets up. This particular comedy routine focuses around Mark being an EVIL BURGLAR OF DIAMONDS who gets seduced by Iveta and loses his gems to her. But with lots of face-pulling so it’s funny. And also a tango in the middle. He’s no Lisa Riley, but hopefully this means he won’t turn INTO Lisa Riley later.

Amongst the dances we’ve seen at this stage so many times before, Ashley Taylor Dawson does a pitch perfect “male hunk contender does an indifferent week 1 cha cha” cha cha until I feel I might drift off, but then Ola throws a random hip hop breakdown into the middle of the dance for no reason, because she has gone MAD WITH POWER. Natalie Gumede for her part matches him with a pitch perfect “female hottie contender does a decent week 1 dance but it’s still boring because it’s a cha cha” cha cha. But Artem’s got the twins out and is painted the colour of a BBQ Wotsit and it’s to Ra Ra Rasputin and also Natalie is already SO OVER BRUCE’S JOKES, so I’ll forgive them both. Also Ashley is going to be a dad soon, THE SHOW MAY MENTION THIS.

Last up, in every sense, are the waltzes. Aliona has choreographed a lovely routine where a pretty young bride does one last waltz with her elderly husband before shoving him under a train, and also does a lot of running splits to hide the fact that her elderly husband is not so much with the dancing. Up on the Tessanine she calls Tony out for being a sweaty old man and gazes off into the middle distance. She’s not going to need an island so much as an entire archipelago. Brenda meanwhile has choreographed a routine in which Sophie Ellis-Bextor plays the “epitome of femininity” eg Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany’s eg a needy prostitute. For some reason she chooses to perform the whole routine in the posture of Robert Redford in the last shot of Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid. Her footwork though is apparently fine, so hooray for her. Her mum cries, and she doesn’t give a shit.

Also, Brucie FINALLY says “twerk” so now we can all unclench and watch the rest of the series.


21 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 11- Week 1 Performance (1) Summary

  1. rodneyandsteptoe

    Looking forward to Susanna this series – she’s going to be more Natasha/Chris Breakfast rather than Bill. I was also impressed by Mark but feel he might struggle with Latin footwork, needs to be given LOTS of acting! Aliona looks like she’s thinking of which week will she be free of Tony – I suppose she got a trip to Florida and a golf lesson out of it…

  2. Left Feet

    I’m pretty sure Bruce got his Tuffnel’s and Turnbell’s mixed up.
    Not quite as sleeply as last year’s Friday show but close.
    I’m pretty sure Jacklin will be out first, can’t dance no personality and not much of a fanbase.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Yeah, whatever latin he’s got I would imagine will put paid to anybody’s desire to see any more of him. If it still exists.

  3. Neio

    I’m so with you on Kevin in glasses. Without glasses = kinda cute, but with them = hot!

    Natalie makes Denise Van Outen seem like Fiona Phillips. I liked Artem’s song choice (and costume!) though, although Natalie could have loosened up a bit and made it a bit more fun. I did love how she didn’t even pretend to laugh at Bruce’s jokes.

    1. Left Feet

      The panel mentioned her lack of hip movement, I thought she was a little stiff but much better then anyone else last night. She has had training that’s clear, but there is still some improvement she could make. Of the winners I would say all but Natasha of the girls and all the men expect the two cricket guys and Chris Hollins had training of some kind which would help them.

  4. Missfrankiecat

    Am I the only one who laughed like a drain throughout RaRa Rasputin then? Her so serious in the most ridiculous themed cha ever (Kremlin backdrop and all) and Artem in that get up…

  5. georgie

    ugh how AWKWARD was the “russian cobblers” dance comment…and artems whispering of “stfu brucie” to natalie. this series is going to be fun, especially with julian mcdonald looking on the verge of a manic episode unless he can go to the toilet for a bump of coke

  6. Louise

    I only have one thing to say… where is the Man in the Hat?!!!

    The orchestral introduction just isn’t the same without him. And it plays hell with my drinking game…

    1. Sindy

      He has been replaced by the dude in headphones. Sigh. He is still there in wide shots but it is NOT the same…. we should start a petition.


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