You’re nobody until you’ve got a Monkie. And, in most cases, afterwards as well.
Phone Answering Wars (Nominees : Luisa Zissman, Natalie Panayi, Neil Clough)
Runner-up : Natalie Panayi (31%)
Yes, Luisa Zissman is the Phone Answers Wars Champion 2013, in one of the most tightly-fought and nip-tuck of all the Monkies votes. It’s almost as thought you were voting on something for which there was no clear criteria or something. And it wasn’t even a particularly vintage performance, with all three of our nominees only picking up 2 paltry phone-answers each. This does at least mean that I was prescient enough to pick out this year’s Phone Answering Wars victor in Week 2 which…is better than I’ve done for the winner of the actual show in a while.
Best Task (Nominees : Caravan Stuff, Dubai Stuff, Flat-Pack Stuff, Online Dating Stuff)
Runner-up : Caravan Stuff (25%)
At last, both a worthy successor to Marrakesh and a fresh relaunch for the increasingly tatty seeming “buy 10 items” task. It’s hard to decide which was my favourite part of Dubai between Dr Leah’s Roaring Rampage Of Revenge and Team Jordan’s Mall Adventures. The only subteam that didn’t deliver non-stop entertainment was Myles’ and even then we got to bask in Rebecca Slater’s low-key frilly leisurewear.Women got subjugated, flags got shrunk, Nick got sunburnt and we all learnt that FALCON IS BIG BUDD! ID FLY LIKE DAH EAGLE. YOU PUD HUDD ON ID, SO IDD CANNOD SEE.
Best Boardroom Madness Moment (Nominees : The Dubai Feminist Rampage, Alex sells tombstones, Jason on the Titanic, Jordan throws up)
Runner-Up : Jason goes Titanic (27%)
I mean, he’s since claimed that he was just coughing but…come on Jordan, don’t spoil the magic. The series took a while to get going for Boardroom Madness Moments, but when it kicked in…boy howdie did it kick in. Those of us for an eye for Boardroom Meltdowns spent 10 weeks feverishly imagining just how awful Jordan was going to be and then came the all-singing, all-dancing, nearly-puking reality. The best reality tv nearly-vom since Letita Dean almost went Huey all over Tess Daly.
Smash Hits Sexiest Male (Nominees : Jason Leech, Kurt Wilson, Myles Mordaunt, Neil Clough)
Runner-Up : Jason Leech (22%)
“Oh dear, how inconvenient. You’ve arrived with an award and I’m in a state of undress! Obviously I can’t accept the award just wearing this towel, because it will no doubt fall to the floor and embarrass us all. The only solution really is to put the Monkie, along with all your jewellery, on the bedside cabinet, shut your eyes, and count to 15. Ready?”
Smash Hits Sexiest Female (Nominees : Francesca MacDuff-Varley, Dr Leah Totton, Luisa Zissman, Sophie Lau)
Runner-Up : Luisa Zissman (27%)
Fun fact, this is the first time that the recipient of the Smash Hits Sexiest Female Award has made it even into the Final 5 on the show itself. Slowly you are starting to find competent women sexy my readers. I’m so proud of you. I’ll call off Laurie Penny…
Worst Candidate – Personality (Nominees : Jaz Ampaw-Far, Luisa Zissman, Natalie Panayi, Zeeshaan Shah)
Winner : (46%)
Runner-Up : Luisa Zissman (24%)
Not even close here, as Zeeshaan takes the category in an absolute blowout. Clearly a lot of strong take-no-shit independent women who know their own mind and won’t be dictated to reading this blog *post-feminist z-snap* (the Z is for Zeeshaan) (being snapped). Either that or Dr Leah got access to autovoting software. For those of you interested in proving the theory that Luisa Zissman is made out of Marmite, she finished 6th out of 16 in the “Best Candidate – Personality” poll, albeit only a handful of votes behind Neil Neckbeard in 5th. So if she is Marmite, she’s a slightly more yeasty variety than usual.
Worst Candidate – Talent : (Nominees : Jaz Ampaw-Far, Natalie Panayi, Uzma Yakooz, Zeeshaan Shah
Runner-Up : Jaz Ampaw-Far (27%)
Way to make me look really racist against Asians guys thanks a bunch.
Best Candidate (Personality) (Nominees : Alex Mills, Francesca MacDuff-Varley, Jason Leech, Tim Stillwell)
Runner-Up : Alex Mills (18%)
I retract everything I said earlier about any of the other categories being blow-outs, this was a chicken-slaughter of the most gruesome kind, with Jason pulling in more votes than everyone else in the final four (or indeed, the final 6) combined. And just as a show that you’re not all placard-waving Jason nuts voting partisan, you allowed the man who called him a silly little shit to finish second. The spirit of magnanimity is not dead.
Best Candidate (Talent) (Nominees : Jordan Poulton, Dr Leah Totton, Luisa Zissman, Neil Clough)
Runner-Up : Dr Leah Totton (27%)
May we all remember his name with pride. (*sniff*) Truly he was The Helen Entity re…erm…entitied.
Best Kaen or Nick (Nominees : Kaen, Nick)
I’m so glad that the Kaen you voted for is female. Such a proud moment.
The Incidental Character Boyfriend Is… (Nominees : Chris Hoy’s Muscular Arse, Frankie The Jersey Cow, Jeff The Design Guy, The Missing Weasley Twin)
Runner-Up : Frankie The Jersey Cow (25%)
Yes, that’s right, my boyfriend is an arse. And not for the first time either (THANK YOU, TRY THE BEEF!). In years past you’ve rallied somewhat in the final stage of Incidental Character Boyfriend, rejecting the novelty comedy options at the last moment in favour of some milquetoast graduate. So erm…thanks for not doing that this year.
Best On-Task Moment (Nominees : “BE QUIET YOU SILLY LITTLE SHIT”, “NOT YOU JORDAN, SOMEONE AVERAGE SIZED”, Jason sells a caravan, Alex goes popty until Myles starts to ping)
Runner-Up : Alex and the microwave meals (22%)
This award was created especially for this series, in recognition of what a full and rich pageant it has been. In the spectacular longlist of 50 options, you were asked to pick the series high-point, amongst moments of high drama, heart-wrenching pathos, sophisticated wordplay and soaring trumph. You picked the bit where someone shoved a dwarf out of a chair. And it wasn’t even close.
GOODNIGHT SERIES 9!