So, we’ve got a final task again! Each of the final two have to launch their buisnesses! Hooray! After 10 solid weeks of flogging Lucky Cats, cooking noodles, the Tidy Sidey, and running around the UAE looking for a falcon hood, we’re going to get a real insight into how business works in the real world, as we see the genesis of two actual solid viable busi…oh, no wait, it’s just your usual “film a dodgy video, then do a ‘launch event’ ” final task bollocks of yore. Carry on. At least this time Francesca MacDuff-Varley-Hilton-Wilding-Todd-Fisher-Burton-Burton-Warner-Fortenksy is there to give a human and relatable face to that random dancer who always wafts around the launches doing contemporary jigging. This time, to Enya.
But this is getting ahead of ourselves. First…the TEAM PICK! Sadly the eyeball-to-eyeball, survival of the fittest, social warfare of old has been replaced by the final two jabbing at their phones like Hungry Hungry Hippos, desperately trying to hoover up the best possible balls on the table. Unfortunately for Luisa, she’s a little bit less adept with her dialling fingers than Dr Leah (maybe it’s the acrylic nails babes?) so she ends up hoovering up Zeeshaan and Jason’s…erm…hippo balls despite not particularly wanting them. In addition she gets Neil (barely in the episode because he’s over it) and Natalie (barely in the episode because…it’s Natalie).
From here, once she’s explained her business-plan to a bunch of people who don’t really get it, the whole of Team Evolve (Luisa invented the name, she can have it) very quickly devolves into some sort of Victorian melodrama, where Jason hovers in the background the whole time, grinning sweetly and unnervingly at everything Luisa does, like he’s going to enact bloody revenge for Apprenticup 2012 any second now. He never does, but he does seem to distract a nervous Luisa with his natural charm so much that she completely forgets to rehearse her launch speech, and as a result takes far too long to get into it. It’s revenge of a sort I guess. When it’s done, Luisa collapses crying on Neil who could not give less of a shit.
Team Endeavour on the other hand (Alex, Francesca, Myles and Uzma) sees Dr Leah launch her epic quest to prove that jabbing botulism in someone’s face can be a totally ethical career path. The entire episode pretty much amounts to her bringing her Boardroom Queen persona to the real world, running around yelling at Alex, industry experts and Lordalan alike that THEY’RE TALKING BOLLOCKS AND SHE KNOWS BETTER. Depending on your position on Dr Leah’s Take-No-Shit-Call-Everyone-A-Boring-Sexist Boardroom antics, your mileage on her approach may vary. I know where I stand. She launches her clinic, called NIKS (rejected names : STAB CLINICS), and dares anyone to have a problem with it. Everyone kind of does, but Dr Leah just says that she believes in clinical excellence a whole damn lot and it’s all fine.
The end, as ever, is absolutely nothing to do with the previous 40 minutes whatsoever, apart from how Dr Leah’s terrifying rampage has left Nick a little terrified of her, and Lordalan a little turned on. Still, we got to see Myles do overdressed market research one last time, that’s the main thing. In the end the decision comes down to Lordalan not trusting Luisa not to run back to her three other businesses (Appearing on I’m A Celebrity/Dating a Made In Chelsea Cast-Member/Barracking the BBC over the phone to replace Mary Berry with her on the Great British Bake-Off because like Mary Berry is well old and SHET) but also not trusting the Botox business in general. After much hemming and hawing and meaningful face-pulling, Lordalan decides that, what with previous winners Ricky Martin and Susan Ma (WHAT, IT’S MY BLOG, LEAVE ME ALONE) doing so well with their companies, he’s got enough cred in the bank to take a punt.
A punt on botox.
Dr Leah is your Apprentice, and Luisa joins the ranks of sassy Second-Place divas Saira Khan, Ruth Badger, Kristina Grimes and Chris Bates. Both of them have retweeted this blog at some point so I don’t give a shit either way, I’m officially winner-endorsed. That’s your takehome message here people. Uncut narcissism.