The Apprentice 9 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

As ever, a list post.

Dr Leah’s middle name is Nicole.

Francesca thinks that Luisa is like Marmite, in that she’s kind of brown.

Neil is the youngest in his family. Which just goes to show that behind every succesful birth, there’s (eventually) a Neil Clough.

Neil Clough’s family and friends have his catchphrase


Francesca’s name is “Francesca MacDuff-Varley” not “Francesca MacVarley-Duff”, like I apparently hear it and read it every single time.

You may not have noticed, but Dr Leah is from Northern Ireland. She has the very slightest trace of accent which, in retrospect, gives the game away somewhat to the more discerning ear.

Jordan has a degree in Spanish Literature and Philosophy. Jordan may well have tossed a coin to land on these options.

Jordan however spent most of his time bumming off lectures and sneaking off to indulge in his secret illicit anti-authoritarian passion…ENTREPRENEURS CLUB!

Nick believes that from the beginning Luisa established herself as the strongest businessperson in the process. Makes you wonder what the point of all those tasks was really doesn’t it?

Francesca thinks that Luisa is like Marmite, in that she has to go by a different name in Australia, for legal reasons.

Neil was inspired to get into business by seeing a man with a Porsche. He turned to his big sister (who is awesome) and asked her how he could get inspired to own one himself some day. His sister told him to get a penis reduction and a nagging sense of his own mortality. And some driving gloves.

Luisa has three thriving businesses.

The show does not pick the best shot possible to illustrate this.

I’m not saying this show is completely done with Jordan or anything, but despite him having a degree from Oxford, Dr Leah is identified as “the academic”.

As a child, Luisa enjoyed dancing around her living room dressed as a flower fairy to “2 Become 1” by The Spice Girls. If Tim had made the Final 5, I suspect we may well have seen the exact same footage of him.

Francesca runs a lookalike agency.

I can name you 2 of those 4. After that you’re on your own.

Before every Boardroom, Neil prays to God for strength and to be helped to perform to the best of his ability. Sadly these prayers were drowned out for Luisa praying for shoes and shet.

Dr Leah is the first person in her family to go to University. Unfortunately, not even they could provide her with an OIYYYYYYYYYD. OYYYYYY YOYYYY DOYYYYYYY! OYYYYYYYD! IT’S PARFYOYYYYYYYYYYM!

Nick thinks it’s a problem that Luisa puts peoples’ noses out of joint. Given that that’s Dr Leah’s entire business plan, I can’t see too much trouble myself.

Neil’s so competitive that he even races people around the supermarket with his shopping trolley, trying to beat them to every purchase. What a joy that sounds. I just came here for some basil and a tin of passata, not Wacky Races with Neil Neckbeard THANKS.

Jordan believes he’s going to change the world by being the smallest ding in the Universe. (STOP LAUGHING AT THE BACK!)

Jordan tried out for the Marines. (I SAID STOP LAUGHING!)

Luisa’s kind of gay for Dr Leah, in the nicest possible way. Especially if it allows her to passive-aggressively criticise Neil by way of comparison.

Kaen is quite happy to use “male” and “human being” as antonyms if pressed, because she is a FEMINIST WARRIOR WOMAN IN BIZNIZ.

Francesca thinks that Luisa is like Marmite, in that she contains 3.9g of sodium per 100g serving.

Dr Leah’s best friend thinks there’s SUCH A BUZZ around Northern Ireland about Leah.

Second only to that recaptured violent sex offender.

Luisa loves her mum, and believes that she’s even more fearsome and argumentative than Luisa herself. In fact Luisa thinks she’d eat all of the other remaining candidates for dinner. You do get the impression that Luisa would still help with the seasoning (IF SHE COULD COOK, WHICH SHE OBVIOUSLY CAN NOT, DUH!)

The role of Francesca’s Mum will tonight be played by

Brenda Blethyn.

In 5 years time, Neil sees himself riding around the Caribbean in a yacht, with Lordalan’s money. Margaret Mountford looks up from her pina colada and says “beat you to it”.

Jordan believes that Francesca is the fairest person in the process. I guess it depends how much peroxide Dr Leah’s using on any given day.

After teenage years spent working in pet shops and estate agencies, Luisa got out of being an employee of other people as quickly as she could, because she didn’t like being told what to do, especially when she knew she was right and other people were wrong. (*FACE OF SURPRISE*)

Kaen believes that Dr Leah not only has a great brain, but also a fantastic personality. AND, she’s cute to boot! What more could you need?

There’s a reporter on the Herts Advertiser whose entire job is just to write stories about Luisa every week. Easiest job in journalism or what? It’s not as though she’s hurting for copy…

Once upon a time, after a lot of preparation,

Jordan blue himself.

Francesca runs three businesses. Francesca has been slightly less noisy about this fact than Luisa has.

Like 53% of all heterosexual male reality tv contestants, Neil was almost a professional footballer.

Jordan has the best on-task record on the show heading into interviews, just like previous Apprentice winners James Max, Paul Tulip, Kristina Grimes, Joanna The Cleaner From Leicester, Helen Milligan and Nick Holzherr.

Nick believes that Dr Leah’s sales ability really stands out because “doctors are not known for being pushy”. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OK NICK.

Luisa’s employees all seem kind of wired, like her cupcakes are laced with LSD and iced with crack.

Dr Leah has one of them eidetic memories like erm…what’s his name had. Posh bloke. Won the third series. Danced around in his pants a lot (you know, by the standards of the day, in this series he’d be a fecking nun). Him.

Nick believes that Francesca’s role in the show has been the “Voice Of Reason”. Seems to me more like she’s been edited to be the one that stands at the back pulling angry faces at everyone and despairing at their lack of talent.

Actually…that’s the same thing on this show isn’t it? (HI NICK!)

Kaen believes that Luisa really learned from the dressing down she got in Week 8. Whether she learned from the one she got in Week 6…

Francesca’s motto in life is “go hard or go home”. Coincidentally, this is also Myles’ motto in business.

One of the cameramen

really pisses Nick off.

Jordan used to get As for achievement but Cs for effort at his boarding school. Apparently he still carries the scars.

Francesca’s first love was dance. Her second love was a tango instructor called Raoul.

As a teenager, Francesca couldn’t walk in a straight line without falling over. So her mother enrolled her in ballet classes so she could at least be an ELEGANT drunk.

Dr Leah’s an A & E doctor. I badly want to see what would happen when a 4am drunk tanker tries to pee on Dr Leah’s shoes in the middle of cannulation. I would imagine it makes her demolition of Zeeshaan look like a tickle-fight.

Speaking of which, Dr Leah still quite clearly wants to bash Zeeshaan in the balls with a meat-tenderiser. Just a bit.

If it needs doing, Francesca will get it done, to the best of her ability.

Luisa’s daughter is called “Dixie”. She is exactly how you’d imagine her to be but

here’s a picture anyway, just to confirm it.

Helpful Voiceover Man can’t say “inspiration”.

Kaen was really disappointed that Jordan didn’t pitch the Foldo Chair, because it was on that that Endeavour were going to win the task. Not at all because Evolve had come up with a grey box on wheels.

Luisa’s parents worked hard in banking and IT, and would often come home late due to their long hours. It is not recorded how often they found Luisa making a snow angel in cocoa powder on the kitchen floor then yelling MY BURVVAH DID IT!

It’s also not recorded whether Luisa ever offered her opinions of bankers to her mother’s face.

Jordan believes he has been a key asset throughout the process. Which is really very different from a key cog. Whatever one of those is.

Neil’s 90s hair was

very much 90s hair indeed.

Neil’s 00s hair was

very much 00s hair indeed.

Nick thinks that Jason is a ninny.

Jason’s opinion on whether Nick is a doody is not recorded.

Jordan is the middle child of three boys. The other two ended up in either military service or the police. Jordan did not.

Luisa’s success on the show has really fired up St Albans.

None of the female candidates have stand-out fit boyfriends/resentful brothers. In the absence of this

Francesca’s GBF is my Incidental Character Boyfriend Of The Week.

To be honest, Luisa may have an

attractive brother/cousin/French Exchange Student, but I’m not taking a punt on a face alone. I need BACKSTORY, DAMNIT.

On the other hand, Dr Leah’s sister is very pretty.

Neil’s wife is also well fit and that.

The show probably shouldn’t refer to Neil’s marriage to his wife as him “closing his biggest deal to date” or his wedding as having been “Project Managed by Neil Clough” because both of these phrasings make me want to Jordan in my mouth a little bit.

The show would have Francesca’s performance on the Farm Shop task as her biggest high of the series. It’s not been an easy run for her has it?

Once, Jordan got his school to organise a field trip to his house so that he could sell the kittens his cat just gave birth to, to all of his classmates, for £20 a go. I hope they all drove there in the ostrich burger van.


Baby Francesca kind of looks like He-Man.

Dr Leah thinks she was very lucky just being able to turn up to exams and get As and A*s across the board without really bothering to prepare at all really. THANKS DR LEAH.

Dr Leah won the Academic Cup at GCSE and A Level, the Biology Cup, and also graduated with distinction.

The distinction of looking like Kirsty Young.

Dr Leah then morphed into

Lauren Laverne for a brief spell. Francesca really should consider signing her up.

Luisa still claims to be really really sorry about deposing Jason then shoving his body into the Thames in a tied-up sack weighted down with dumb-bells. Really. Honestly. Truly sorry.

Francesca’s GBF thinks you can always tell what she’s thinking by looking at her face. Apparently what Francesca is thinking is mostly “FUCK YOU ALL!”

Jordan is

prone to overestimating how many shirt buttons you can undo before appearing on tv without looking like a bit of a tit.

Dr Leah’s Team Leader in her A & E unit is really impressed with how she follows orders. He’s clearly not tried to send her to a souk when all she really wants is to go to the MALL DAMNIT!

Kaen’s filming of her remake of Jackie Collins “The Stud”

is going well.

Nick and Kaen both think that there are real question marks hanging over Jordan, both as a businessman and as a human being, that he needs to resolve via probing at interviews. It appears this probing is going to take the form of “making him do a Rubik’s Cube”.

Dr Leah saying “that’s a nice little sale” sounds a bit like Dr Leah is saying “that’s a nice little seal”. I may be using this as a self-esteem boost in future.

Francesca was very academic, and got straight As in everything. Except Beer Maths, her ACHILLES HEEL.

Despite this, she left school after she got her GCSEs to pursue her dream of

being the Sarah Harding in a Girls Aloud tribute act. If Tim had made the final 5, I expect etc etc…

Luisa’s mum likes to call Luisa’s dark side “assertiveness” rather than “aggression”.

You can tell she doesn’t even really buy that herself. Or care if you know that she doesn’t.

Neil isn’t ever going to turn off, on-camera, and it’s probably a waste of time expecting it to happen to be honest.

Francesca thinks that Luisa is like Marmite, in that she was used to keep troops spirits up during the war.

Luisa loves horses best of all the animals.

Luisa loves horses, they’re her friends.

Nick believes that Dr Leah’s speech in the Week 9 Boardroom was one of the great speeches in Apprentice Boardroom history. Maybe he should get those bound up and put in a little toilet book or something. It’d shift MANY UNITS.

Francesca spent most of her late teen years performing as a dancer on a cruise ship. As such Francesca is slated to be a new Strictly Come Dancing pro in the 2015 series WATCH THIS SPACE.

Neil only stayed on for sixth form at school so he could win every football match he played by virtue of being older than everyone else. This seems very unfair somehow.

If you’re ever in Northern Ireland and stuck for rissoles and pork pieces

Dr Leah knows where you can go.

Nick would put money on Neil winning. Honest. Definitely. Go down your bookmakers now.

On that token, I’m off to put money on Dr Leah.

Alright, really, Francesca thinks that Luisa is like Marmite, in that you either love her or you want to smack her repeatedly round the head with a tennis racquet whilst yelling “WHO CARES IF I’M FUCKING CORPORATE? YOUR VOICE SOUNDS LIKE MINNIE MOUSE MASTURBATING WITH A DOGGY CHEW TOY!”.

Francesca did not reveal which side of this particular debate she came down on.


15 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – What I Learnt From “The Final Five”

  1. Neio

    Is anyone else disappointed that Myles didn’t get through to the Final Five, just because we didn’t get the chance to see if his glamorous Monaco life was all its cracked up to be? (And of course how they’d spin his past life as an international jet set gigolo?) And we never even got to see his wife, who he first saw on the internet in, er… some capacity.

    Francesca definitely seemed like this year’s Helene – the candidate who scraped into the final five who they desperately tried to spin as having been a good candidate.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Nobody will ever exemplify that better than Natasha. Her segment of the Final Five episode was a MASTERCLASS in selling what wasn’t there.

  2. Alex B

    OK, I’m guessing that photo’s meant to be Jack Sparrow, Marilyn Monroe, whoever Orlando Bloom is in Pirates of the Carribean and… Zoe Beresford?

    I felt ashamed of myself for finding that shot of Neil with blond highlights vaguely attractive. Thankfully he remedied that with the image of him with his full-blown hideous neckbeard on his own wedding day.

      1. Alex B

        Oh, I think you’re right! I was thrown by the red hair and assumed it was just four look-alikes who work for her. Given that Francesca now looks uncannily like Stella, does that mean she’s a professional Apprentice candidate impersonator?

  3. Amy

    I thought lookalike second from left was Natasha from Atomic Kitten or Chloe Green. Obviously in my head the demand for said A List lookalikes is out of control.

  4. Elaine

    Love the idea of Neil Neckbeard sailing the Caribbean as a Somalian pirate, having first stolen then laundered LordAlan’s cash!

  5. abouttoexplode

    Luisa’s mum looks just like the actress who played Suranne Jones mum in Scott and Bailey and in a much earlier incarnation was Rita Barlow’s adopted daughter – famous quote ‘you gorra eat reet’ – probably well before your time!
    Luisa is just like Marmite, tastes kind of funky?!

      1. abouttoexplode

        Made us laugh that the character she played on S&B seemed to be her corrie character just older. Think she had an affair with Ray Langton – bur I luv im Reet! Caused Deirdre to leave him and marry Ken, and Tracy to go up stairs with her cassettes for some time – she has a lot to answer for!!
        Will stop now – haven’t watched corrie for years! Cheers for recaps, best bit of a series which may well be won by someone who got lost on their way to a BB audition!

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