THE VOICE MONKIES OF 2003 ARE REVEALED!
Best Holly/Reggie :
With the halving of the number of live shows, I almost considered not doing this category, but I figure that literally all of the publicity that the show got for its final this year revolved around Holly’s boobs, so they MUST BE HONOURED. 59.41% of you judged them to be the best host this show had. And Holly as well. I guess. To be honest I can’t really remember anything Reggie said or did, other than patronising Joseph Apostol a whole lot and make up from whole cloth what people were discussing on twitter. At least Holly’s contribution was more…erm…concrete.
Best Guest Performer :
We seriously considered not doing this category either, because The Voice UK series 2 flagrantly violated the rules of reality television by not inviting Paloma Faith to perform on any of its result shows. It didn’t even invite her back to be a guest mentor. FOR SHAME, THE VOICE. Still, we soldiered on and in the absence of Paloma’s kitschy retro tomfoolery, 35% of you decided that Drunky Boobly was your favourite bit-player of the series, more than likely because he figured out the best way to get through an episode of this show: booze.
- 2nd – Dizzee Rascal & Robbie Williams (24%)
- 3rd – Avril Lavigne (23%)
Best Audition :
It seems our readers have more in common with Jessie J than they’d ever care to admit, or at least 31.58% of you did, because you were on board with Cleo Higgins from the very first WAAAUUUGHHGHFHH of her audition with Beyoncé’s ‘Love On Top’. There was a great turn-out for Team William in this category, actually, securing all of the top four places (just to be clear, we’re counting Matt Henry as Team William because that was his original team at the audition stages). The contestant in fifth place? Didn’t get on to any team, because nobody turned round during her blind audition. OH THE VOICE. If you’re wondering how the other coaches did, Team Danny’s highest placing was sixth, Team Tom’s was seventh, and Team Jessie’s was joint-tenth. So much for Team Jessie getting the pick of the litter, eh viewers?
- 2nd – Matt Henry : Trouble (28.96%)
- 3rd – The Opera Hags : Flower Duet (23.03%)
- 4th – Moni Tivony : No Woman No Cry (17.11%)
- 5th – Bronwen Lewis : Fields Of Gold (14.47%)
Best Team/Group Performance :
Yeah, no surprises here – Leah’s performance of ‘Bang Bang’ with William was widely considered to be one of the best performances of the entire series, and a whopping 83.68% of you had it as one of your two favourite group numbers. Well, at least one good thing came out of Baz Luhrmann’s film adaptation of The Great Gatsby. Meanwhile, poor Matt Henry is the bridesmaid once again, notching up his second First Runner Up Monkie of the season. We’re sure all that silver will look lovely on his mantlepiece.
- 2nd – Matt Henry & Jessie J : Never Too Much (20.08%)
- 3rd – Team William : Rapture (19.25%)
- 4th – Team Last Year : Medley (17.57%)
- 5th – Team Danny : Let Her Go (13.39%)
Worst Performance :
Some people might wonder what it was exactly about Karl Michael’s rendition of “I Believe I Can Fly” that made it your least favourite performance of the whole series (amongst those Steve and I arbitrarily selected for the Worst Performance poll anyway) over several others whose problems are perhaps more obvious. Looking at the rest of the results coming, I rather suspect the answer is “Karl Michaels”. Even with a gospel choir, it picked up votes from 39.25% of you.
- 2nd – Cherelle Basquine : 1+1 (23.40%)
- 3rd – Sarah Cassidy : Love Sensation (22.64%)
- 4th – Leah McFall : I Will Always Love You (21.89%)
- 5th – Ragsy : Local Boy In The Photograph (17.36%)
Best Coach :
As the personalities of the other three coaches slowly dimmed over the course of the second series (seriously, how many times did Tom say something like “I know I’m supposed to namedrop here but frankly I can’t be arsed so let’s not bother and just pretend I did”?), fortunately the spirit of will.i.troll only burned stronger. Deliberately stringing out the blind auditions for as long as possible. Cutting Matt Henry so that somebody else could bring him to the final whilst he concentrated on tinkering with Leah McFall. Cutting sexy nan-baiter Liam Tamne just because he could, driving Jessie J to strop off the set. Spelling out “T O M” with his arms. Literally everything involving the Opera Hags. Cussing out Leanne. Telling people on twitter not to bother auditioning because the show was crap. CAKE CAKE LICK THE ICING CAKE! Taking his finalist to the French Riviera when the best any of the other judges could afford was “let’s go shopping in Oxford Street and not buy anything”. William was the favourite judge of 61.93% of you. Not since the heady days of people actually liking Craig Revell-Horwood has someone so dominated a Monkees Judg…NOT JUDGING, COACHMENTORING category.
- 2nd – Sir Tom Jones : 16.06%
- 3rd – Danny O’Donoghue : 12.84%
- 4th – Jessie J : 9.17%
Worst Contestant (Personality)
OH NO! FIRST HE DIDN’T HAVE A RECORD CONTRACT, THEN HE HAD TO HAVE A JOB, THEN HE HAD TO LIVE IN A FLAT AND NOW THIS! COULD A HUMAN LIFE GET ANY WORSE?! 68.29% of you didn’t much care for Karl Michael, it has to be said. You’re so mean. You just don’t know much it *hurts* to be normal.
- 2nd – Alys Williams (33.33%)
- 3rd – Cleo Higgins (17.89%)
- 4th – Joseph Apostol (16.26%)
- 5th – Leah McFall (14.63%)
Worst Contestant (Talent)
Well, he may not have a flat, a record deal or a girlfriend, but the one thing Karl Michael did win is the unending scorn of all of you, having clinched the double award of Worst Personality and Worst Talent, scooping the support (for want of a better word) of 44.62% of you in the latter category. There was slightly better news for one contestant, namely Matt Henry, who was the only one not to get a single vote in this category. Much like the final, then.
- 2nd – Sarah Cassidy (42.23%)
- 3rd – Mike Ward (18.33%)
- 4th – Ash Morgan (17.53%)
- 5th – Alys Williams (15.94%)
Best Contestant (Personality)
Well, despite all those TERRIBLE, HURTFUL things that were apparently written about her in the press because she’s a DIVA with an ATTITUDE and she’s ALREADY HAD HER CHANCE, it seems that you all didn’t pay any attention to any of it (assuming any of it ever actually existed in the first place, which is fairly doubtful), because 43.35% voted Cleo Higgins your official Miss Congeniality of the series. No doubt Brantano are FUMING about this result.
- 2nd – Matt Henry (35.74%)
- 3rd – Andrea Begley (32.7%)
- 4th – Leah McFall (25.86%)
- 5th – Mitchel Emms (22.81%)
Best Contestant (Talent)
Well at least your SKI-BOP-BIDDY-BIDDY-WOOOOO favourite contestant this yearEAREAREAREAREARWOAH did a little better than Becky Smash (SMASH DITTY WITTY BITTLE SMASH SMASH SMASH) who could only manage a semi final bearth (BEBEBEBEBERTH). Leah McFall was a standout vote for 50.18% of voters, even if you could TELL at times WHAT she was DODODODODODODODODODODOODODODODODIN. *unearthly whistle noise to close*
- 2nd – Cleo Higgins (42.18%)
- 3rd – Matt Henry (39.27%)
- 4th – Andrea Begley (19.64%)
- 5th – Mike Ward (11.64%)
Your favourite performance of the series came from Cleo Higgins, as she did her damnedest to “Go Like Rachel“. Facing unsurmountable odds heading into the semi-final, Cleo decided to burn the studio down by stomping around yelling “Don’t Let Go” by En Vogue whilst dressed in a couture bin bag. Having suffered the indignities of both Brantano and a hefty dose of sniffiness courtesy of Jessie J, Cleo clearly decided to leave on her own terms. And what terms. 38.17% of voters had this as one of their musical moments of the series.
- 2nd – Leah McFall : I Will Survive (26.24%)
- 3rd – Matt Henry : Skinny Love (25.04%)
- 4th – Leah McFall : Lovin’ You (24.45%)
- 5th – Andrea Begley : Ho Hey (21.47%)
- 6th – Mitchel Emms : Radioactive (16.10%)
- 7th – Matt Henry : Babylon (14.91%)
- 8th – Matt Henry : Girl On Fire (14.31%)
- 9th – Moni Tivony : Master Blaster (12.52%)
- 10th – Andrea Begley : Songbird (11.33%)