The Apprentice 9 – Week 10 Summary

Many of Lordalan’s favourite things about his own process are worthwhile things. 10 Items Tasks in exotic locations. The design task. Pitting the genders against one another. Keeping on frantically perspiring mad-eyed sales-bitches in the hope they have a Redemption Arc. Making sex jokes about Nick. On the other hand…we have Smell What’s Selling.

As usual, it’s the most boring episode of the entire series. The teams are reorientated to be Men vs Women, so we can discover who truly was the best all along. Turns out, once they were trimmed of Jaz, Uzma and, I dunno, the little one with the market research, it was the WOMEN. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT? They run a fashion stall and…I normally limit myself to 130 pictures per recap MAXIMUM but this week I can’t guarantee it. They look like a bunch of 5 year olds playing hooker dress-up. 1920s hooker dress-up. With berets. PM Luisa is the best, Dr Leah is next best, and even Francesca (minor over-spend on Pixie Lott’s castoffs aside, which she doesn’t even get BLAMESLAMMED by Luisa for, because the latter’s Redemption Arc is now 100% proof) comes out smelling of roses. When they win, they take to a roof-top at sunset wearing their best glam gowns and talk about feminism and shet, desperately trying to wash away our memory of the last 25 minutes seeing them all looking like the Hipster Pussycat Dolls. Incidentally, this officially makes Luisa and Francesca the first two people ever to make interviews having been on the same team every single week. And it shows in every twitch, crease, and grey hair that Francesca has accrued since the first task. (Simon and Lohit almost made it, bless them, but even *their* bromance had to be denied in the end).

The men on the other hand, running a ceramics (ish) shop, fall to pieces. PM Myles in particular just stops working. After successfully destroying Alex, he’s got nothing left to give, other than standing in the middle of a post-apocalyptic looking shop space slowly morphing into The Scream. Neil promptly abandons him to just concentrate on selling as much as it’ll take to keep the blame off him. Jordan is on restocking duty, and buys lines either entirely inappropriate for the shop, or which look like hideous genetic mutations. Myles and Neil look at the things he’s bought in despair, and actually banish him from their shop with them to sell somewhere else, because they can’t stand to look at them.

So yes, it’s a dull episode of the usual fiddly smell what sells rubbish, where nobody seems to know what the rules actually are. My favourite part is when Lordalan yells at Francesca for reinvesting money in new risky stock rather than leaving it lying around…when the last two times he’s yelled at teams for NOT reinvesting loose money in new risky stock. What DOES redeem the episode, is that 10 weeks of Jordan’s patented Awful Boardroom Personality bubbling under finally come to a glorious conclusion, as he goes ABSOLUTELY MENTAL during the final reckoning. By turns overly ingratiating and overly defensive, incredibly shifty and far too earnest, all climaxing in a glorious moment where he actually sicks up in his mouth when he gets fire-teased. He’s saved, presumably in the hope that he actually spews on Margaret next week, and Myles is sent packing because he needs to go back to Monaco and stock back up on Vitamin D.


(Hey, at least Dec’s gone)

47 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – Week 10 Summary

  1. G

    what an amazing amazing amazing amount of cosmic retribution in that boardroom (short of him getting fired at which put he would have self eviscerated). the weird chubby buddha pose he had going on at the sofa during the start of the episode was more than enough justification for the carnage that followed.

    one question though – how did paloma get fired for THAT and jordan remained for THIS?

    1. monkseal Post author

      Because Paloma was in the boardroom with such potential superstars as Alex Epstein and the Business Bush Baby who needed time to SHIIIIIINE.

  2. Elaine

    Implosions galore! Even Jordan managed to swallow his vomit for long enough to see Myles get the finger ( though the image of LordAlans finger down Jordan’s throat to see Posh Boy puke will live with me for far too long )
    Missed half of it due to work, but your recap makes me feel I saw it all.
    Thank God Dec has gone. May hap all that summarise your life in a lift shite got too much, even for The Lord. But, OMG, what’s this? Another blummin’ woman! He really is trying to sell Stella down the river, isn’t he?

    1. monkseal Post author

      A GLAMOROUS woman as well. I hope they recreate the shot they always used to do to introduce Kaen, the camera licking up and down her exposed leg like a kid with an ice lolly.

  3. constantmotion

    I am rooting for exactly none of them. All right, I’m rooting for Leah and Jordan. But let’s face it. Leah, not happening, and Jordan, while secretly utterly amazing, is never in a million years going to win this after… that. Whatever that was. So, effectively, none of them.

    I don’t share your hatred of smelling what’s selling, but I’m happy to see the return of interviews as a semi-final, with real-final as a final. Interviews are great fun as a prelude to the final, but a little underwhelming right at the end. “This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for… a CHAT WITH ANT!!” Do the candidates return? Please tell me the candidates return.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Dr Leah’s now had three solid weeks of people on You’re Fired just blandly saying how much they like her and how clever they think she is. I think she’s got every chance. But yeah, Jordan’s screwed.

      And they’d BETTER bring back the fired candidates. And have a TEAM PICK (oh the excitement).

      1. constantmotion

        I think my main issue with Leah is that she always seems to take a back seat to the other candidates – and when she is highlighted, the show tends to put a slightly cynical spin on it, Jim-style. But… I’ve been thinking about it since I posted that, and I think her other two serious competitors are, basically, a marginally cut-price tribute to Debra and a marginally more interesting tribute to Kate. Neil has finalist written all over him, but… he might be too obvious for a winning finalist. Then again, Stella was obvious as early as week two, and that went all right for her. I mean, it didn’t, but it doesn’t count if it’s after the show’s finished.

        I hope you’re right, cos I would love Leah to win. She’s my top choice – has been for a few weeks, now, though everyone else I speak to seems a little cold on her. And I’d love the team pick back, too, but I’m willing to let it slide as long as Jason’s back. Although he was made for the awkward moment at the end of the team pick, wasn’t he?

      2. monkseal Post author

        I think I said somewhere at the beginning that if Dr Leah won it looked like she’d do it by just sitting back and letting everyone else make worse mistakes and if she does win then…it will be very much that sort of win still. Taskwise I don’t think she’s one of the better ones of the five but she should be pretty handy at interviews based on her Boardroom Prowess so far.

        Jason is made for somebody puffed-up being blatantly pissed off that he got picked before them. Like when Lorraine/Everyone Else Except Rocky But Particularly Lorraine got picked over Phillip (<3 ❤ <3). Or when Melissa got picked over both Shibby and Paloma. (also ❤ ❤ <3)

  4. Ferny

    I think Myles broke.

    Also it was a bit unfair that half the shop had a clothes rail and pegs on the wall, which the boys couldn’t use any of. Not that they would have won anyway. I just felt sorry for the ceramicist!

  5. Scottieboy

    Did we see Dec’s replacement? Is it someone famous like Peter Jones or (crosses fingers) Hilary Devey, or just another random twat?

    i should give notice to my neighbours right now that I may be shouting CUNT quite loudly next Wednesday, based on Claude’s performance in just the previews.

    1. Jack

      According to the Radio Times, Dec’s replacement is Claudine Collins who was a pitch in the Freemium Magazine task in Series 7. She wasn’t shown then.

    2. monkseal Post author

      I’ve kind of given in and embraced Claude just being as big a twat as possible. He carries it off with so much more elan than Paul Whatsisname ever did. Also better that than the dead-eyed passive-aggressive stealth cuntery that Boring always used to indulge in. I can’t believe he was the one who got to slay Stubaggs with that URL bs or whatever it was.

      I particularly can’t wait to see who he yells “YOU’RE A PARASITE, THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!” at. So OTT.

  6. DeeAnn

    Anyone else noticed Myles actually quoted you Monkseal on You’re Fired the man who hopped out for a fag at a wedding while researching Foldo in week 3?? I’m hoping the whole ‘Luisa is a now a contender forget everything from week 1 to now LALALALA’ is all a big decoy and she is the Baggs of the interviews or more likely the Joanna. St Neil of Kaen’s knickers plan sounds really really awful like NON-PROFIT JIM’S BIG COMPUTER FOR SCHOOLS/BIG CLUSTERFUCK CALL CENTRE plan awful. Zoopla I presume is the leader yeah? So doomed. Could he not be a finalist I mean I was so sure Nick had it in the bag at this part last year. Dreading the last task not being the interviews DREADING!!! loved having the interviews last, best thing about the prize change by far.
    Go on Jordan lad it was a long time coming but so worth it every single second from the cafe onwards was amazing paloma-specifics-fieldofponiesrunningtowardsthis amazing. Leah for the win GET IT GIRL IT LYK ITS FROM 1998, Fran bless doesnt even seem a contender does she?

    1. monkseal Post author

      I remember more or less nothing I ever said about Myles other than 150 different variation of MONACO MANWHORE. If I was quoted on You’re Fired though, that is definitely a blogging highlight.

  7. Jack

    Oh Jordan. 😦 I must admit, having picked him as the winner just based on the audition clips at the start of the series, I have been clinging to the hope for several weeks now that he may just win. Last week did make me hope, but now… he has no chance after that crezzy boardroom performance.

    Not that I think he should have been fired for that task, considering he did seem to be screwed over by Neil and Myles. Myles sunk the task in the first five minutes by not establishing a strategy of any sort and just being vague in terms of what he was aiming for.

    Oh God, please say Luisa cannot win. I’d even settle for a Debra Barr style firing so long as she doesn’t win. I will concede she did well at that task, but… it was her day job. I did quite like Leah in this task and I do think she is in contention, unlike Francesca, the definition of interview fodder.

    Disappointed with interviews back to the penultimate episode – it does mean the final will be even more irrelevant than it normally is and I liked interviews and business plans as the final ultimate test as that is what Lord Sugar ultimately is finding.

    I don’t know how next week will play out, but I will take a wild stab in the dark and say the firings will be Francesca, Jordan and a with regret, super-sad Debra Barr-style Luisa firing.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I have totted up the candidates average placings in the Monkseal End Of Recap Popularity Polls, and they’re saying this :

      1st Dr Leah (3.5)
      2nd Luisa (6.9)
      3rd Jordan (7)
      4th Neil (7.1)
      5th Francesca (8.6)

      The idea of Jordan somehow making it to 3rd does FILL me with excitement, it has to be said. I also loved his audition tape. So damned PEPPY.

      1. monkseal Post author

        (Obviously I would like to point out that, under this method, if Jason were still in he would win in what would likely be the first one man final in Apprentice History so…you takes your money)

  8. Shrinking Man

    Firstly, I enjoyed the fact that Jordan and Luisa appeared in the living room, apparently wearing each other’s clothes.

    Secondly, what was Sugar blathering on about with the ceramics having a great mark-up? The girls bought hats for £2 and sold them on for £10. There’s no way in hell that the ceramics had that kind of mark-up on them. I doubt the mark-up on the ceramics was more than a tenner, as they were going for £25 each.

    Thirdly, did anybody else notice that the restaurant at the end appeared to be owned by Electrolux? That’s what it said on the window, for whatever reason.

    Fourthly, when was the last time we saw someone eviscerated like that in the boardroom? Poor Jordan.

    And, finally, I don’t know why, but part of me thinks that it’s Luisa being called a “parasite”.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t think anyone’s ever gone into interviews on such a low ebb as Jordan. Even Helene was on more of an up, and she basically just flopped over the line. I hope he can summon at least a little vim for Claude.

      1. yorkshirecoop

        I also think it’s Luisa being called a parasite, although at the end of ‘you’re fired’ Lordalan was saying to Neil that he would rather put 250k in a slot machine, so maybe he’s off. I hope not though.

      2. Definitely Not John

        I think the slot machine quote is more about all the candidates in general

    1. monkseal Post author

      Two of Neil, Luisa and Dr Leah. I’m still not calling it. Not after the last two series. *resolute*

      1. Tim

        Yeah, there’s every chance Leah could make it through. Francesca and particularly Jordan are dead ducks though, surely?

      2. monkseal Post author

        I would say so. Although I would expect the tones of their firings to be very…erm…different.

  9. Ross Nolan

    I’m a bit puzzled as to why everyone loves Leah so much. She gives good boardroom I’ll admit and has been a good seller but she was an awful PM and nearly equally at fault in the Dubai disaster. Yet seemingly she is a frontrunner?

  10. TheBockingfordKid

    Loved this episode. Every thing that Jordan and the boys chose to sell, especially that last vase(apparently) and what Jordan paid for it – WTF!? Them totally not getting the point of Sell What Smells after how many series? Myles (who as we all know lives in Monaco (I’ve been, not everyone there is a millionaire – there are people who work in shops and… some who run little brochures selling Formula One tat) showing how pretty vacant he really is – they kept that from us with those distracting abs shots all these weeks. The man is a moron. And (the hated, in this house) Jordan’s Boardroom of Self-Destruction – it just got better and better ‘we’ll discuss the percentages later Sugar, ok? What, I’m supposed to screw over this business partner of mine I never mentioned? For my business plan which involves people designing their own games which absolutely no one wants to do?”” *pukes in mouth.*


    1. monkseal Post author

      My favourite part of Jordan’s meltdown, aside from the vomit, was when he said the games could be designed by “normal people like us” and gestured to himself, Myles and Neil. I mean…if you say so…

  11. Neio

    I’m wondering who the “parasite” Claude lays into next week is too – I’m guessing either Jordan because of his mysterious shadowy tech partner, or Luisa, for… reasons.

    I always find the “Smell What Sells” task really weird. I didn’t really think buying the dresses for instance was that bad, as they only bought about four of them, people seemed to like them even though they didn’t want to buy them right there and then (a dress is far less of an impulse buy than a £10 hat or scarf after all), and as was pointed out, in other years, Lord Sugar’s berated teams for not buying stock. Still, as with market research, it’s too much to expect consistency from this show…

    I bet that potter woman isn’t too happy for Lord Sugar and others to be basically exclaiming “What’s this load of old toot?” about her vase on national TV. But then again, she got about £100 for that old toot, so maybe she’s laughing.

    1. Shrinking Man

      To be fair, it is consistent for him to have a go at them for buying the dresses. The whole point of the task is to sell lots of things at the start, see what sells out the quickest and then stock up on that. What they did was see what was selling and then use the money they earned from that to buy an untested product range.

      It’s true that the money would otherwise have been sitting around doing nothing, as they evidently had hats and scarves left at the end, but to be in the true spirit of the task they should have bought a dress on the first day and seen whether that sold and then, and only then, bought more in for the second day.

    2. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure being hated by Lordalan is probably a badge of honour in the artistic community.

  12. Shrinking Man

    Oh, and while I’m posting, I’m having trouble working out the maths. It was said more than once that Neil, by himself, sold £470 of stock. The boys’ final figure was £550. They also had a lot of stock left over, and that includes the weird vase which cost £75. So was Myles paying people to take stuff away or what?

    1. hew

      I think because for his later sales, he was selling items bought by reinvesting money generated by selling items he’d sold previously, so the same money was counted multiple times in the sales figures. If you add up everyone’s sales it would come to more than the final assets figure.

      That must sound very confusing so here’s an example.
      You start with £150, spend it on products and then sell all the products for £170.
      You reinvest the £170 on new products then sell them all for £190.

      Total assets (just cash in this case): £190
      Total sales: £170 + £190 = £360

      The reason for the difference being that the £170 is effectively counted twice. Make sense?

  13. Dave

    The parasite remark just has to be aimed at either Jordan (for his evasiveness) or Louisa (because she just is).
    And that had to be one of THE funniest boardroom performances ever in the history of the show (UK & US)

  14. Ferny

    I loved that there was one shot of all of the girls’ legs (in the leggings) milling around outside their shop and it looked EXACTLY like what is shown on news reports about prostitutes lol

  15. Elaine

    I have a feeling Leah gets the parasite remark from Claude because her plastic surgery without the surgery plan could be viewed as exploiting gullible women ( and I’m a dr myself, and I think it sounds well dodgy)

    1. monkseal Post author

      I doubt it. I bet Claude’s well up for a spot of botox. She’ll be injecting his eyelids mid-interview.

  16. PadsterMo

    Karen’s wideon for Neckbeard is even more nauseating that the time she asked Alex Wotherspoon how he coped with being so handsome.

    I’m actually really glad that Dr Leah has made it to interviews as I can’t wait to hear what her business plan is. Neil’s sounds like something that’s been done before, and Jordan’s sounds fairly dodgy, so unless one of them has a curved nailfile up their sleeve I doubt they’ll win.

    And Jordan nearly throwing uo when he was fire-teased? Awesome.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Nothing will ever be as nauseating as Kaen asking Alex how he coped with being so handsome. NO-THING.

  17. DrGreggles

    I think losing Jason and Alex in successive weeks has caused this series to lose its mojo.
    None of the final 5 are in anyway appealing.
    I find myself wanting Francesca to win – purely because I think it would annoy the insufferable Louisa* the most.

    *she can’t even spell her own name!

    Oh well, at the glorious Margaret returns next week
    I love Margaret.

  18. Definitely Not John

    I enjoy having no idea who’s going to win in the investment Apprentices because it makes it more exciting!


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