Many of Lordalan’s favourite things about his own process are worthwhile things. 10 Items Tasks in exotic locations. The design task. Pitting the genders against one another. Keeping on frantically perspiring mad-eyed sales-bitches in the hope they have a Redemption Arc. Making sex jokes about Nick. On the other hand…we have Smell What’s Selling.
As usual, it’s the most boring episode of the entire series. The teams are reorientated to be Men vs Women, so we can discover who truly was the best all along. Turns out, once they were trimmed of Jaz, Uzma and, I dunno, the little one with the market research, it was the WOMEN. WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT? They run a fashion stall and…I normally limit myself to 130 pictures per recap MAXIMUM but this week I can’t guarantee it. They look like a bunch of 5 year olds playing hooker dress-up. 1920s hooker dress-up. With berets. PM Luisa is the best, Dr Leah is next best, and even Francesca (minor over-spend on Pixie Lott’s castoffs aside, which she doesn’t even get BLAMESLAMMED by Luisa for, because the latter’s Redemption Arc is now 100% proof) comes out smelling of roses. When they win, they take to a roof-top at sunset wearing their best glam gowns and talk about feminism and shet, desperately trying to wash away our memory of the last 25 minutes seeing them all looking like the Hipster Pussycat Dolls. Incidentally, this officially makes Luisa and Francesca the first two people ever to make interviews having been on the same team every single week. And it shows in every twitch, crease, and grey hair that Francesca has accrued since the first task. (Simon and Lohit almost made it, bless them, but even *their* bromance had to be denied in the end).
The men on the other hand, running a ceramics (ish) shop, fall to pieces. PM Myles in particular just stops working. After successfully destroying Alex, he’s got nothing left to give, other than standing in the middle of a post-apocalyptic looking shop space slowly morphing into The Scream. Neil promptly abandons him to just concentrate on selling as much as it’ll take to keep the blame off him. Jordan is on restocking duty, and buys lines either entirely inappropriate for the shop, or which look like hideous genetic mutations. Myles and Neil look at the things he’s bought in despair, and actually banish him from their shop with them to sell somewhere else, because they can’t stand to look at them.
So yes, it’s a dull episode of the usual fiddly smell what sells rubbish, where nobody seems to know what the rules actually are. My favourite part is when Lordalan yells at Francesca for reinvesting money in new risky stock rather than leaving it lying around…when the last two times he’s yelled at teams for NOT reinvesting loose money in new risky stock. What DOES redeem the episode, is that 10 weeks of Jordan’s patented Awful Boardroom Personality bubbling under finally come to a glorious conclusion, as he goes ABSOLUTELY MENTAL during the final reckoning. By turns overly ingratiating and overly defensive, incredibly shifty and far too earnest, all climaxing in a glorious moment where he actually sicks up in his mouth when he gets fire-teased. He’s saved, presumably in the hope that he actually spews on Margaret next week, and Myles is sent packing because he needs to go back to Monaco and stock back up on Vitamin D.
Next week : INTERVIEWS! STARRING CLAUDE! MARGARET! AND THE REST!
(Hey, at least Dec’s gone)