The Apprentice 9 – Week 7 Summary

So, having spent the entire month or so since his last stint as PM wallowing in milkshakey ignominy, muttering to himself in the kitchen and holding Zeeshaan’s Yellow Pages, Kurt decides that this is IT. He is going to Project Manage Endeavour, he is going to win, and he’s going to do it against erstwhile bromantic partner and current holder of the “Redemption Arc” banner Neil, who has been teleported over to try to turn Evolve around. This is going to be it! KURT’S COMING BACK BABY!

So needless to say, Kurt takes this one last throw of the dice that he’s begged for and promptly shoves the thing up his nose as hard as he can until it lodges in his brain.

The task is to sell caravans and accessories in Birmingham and it is an absolute bloodbath from beginning to end. Like, arterial spurtings up the wall levels of Evolve absolutely decimating Endeavour. Endeavour pick all the wrong products, that don’t sell, and the right products they do identify they get shoulder-barged off by Luisa, Jordan and Francesca on a terrifying charm-offensive. By contrast Endeavour can only offer up a rampantly insincere Myles (who is so aggressively anti-caravan all episode you have to wonder if he’s hiding something…), a frankly sulky Dr Leah and…well…Natalie as their product selection team. They sell no caravans on the day, despite Myles and Kurt’s best efforts to woo the Septuagenarians of the Midlands with their dubious charms. Of course they were on a loser from the start, as I can tell you that the sort of tactics that work with the glamorous widows of the French Riviera are going to go down so well in Erdington of a Friday night. A very different type of jewels changing hands there. At the last minute, Kurt drafts Dr Leah over from the accessories team because she’s “eye-candy”. He says this out loud. Two weeks after The Apprentice equivalence of the Equal Pay Act. Still nothing happens.

It’s quite something that a team failing so hard all over the place isn’t the most entertaining thing of the whole episode, and in a series without Jason in it, it probably would have been, but here we are. Jason has a GIANT TEDDY! Jason sells a caravan! Jason spends the entire episode driving Neil absolutely up the wall! Jason flirts hilariously with old people! Jason swills a wine glass and acts like he’s the equal of everybody else there because he sold one caravan! It’s truly beautiful. Elsewhere on the team, Luisa and Neil both sell tons and leave Jordan and Francesca in their dust. I think Francesca may well be in Dudley for all the impact she has on the task.

Despite this, I’m fairly sure almost every single member of Evolve as individuals beat every single member of Endeavour combined, and their reward is go stare at Chris Hoy’s muscular arse. Jordan wins at staring at Chris Hoy’s muscular arse. Yet another skill he picked up at private school coming in handy there.

The Evolve Boardroom is, quite frankly, even more of an embarrassment than their performance on the task was. Kurt brings back Natalie and Alex for reasons he never adequately defines, and then it becomes really obvious 5 seconds in that he has absolutely no defence for anything he’s done, so he just spends his last minutes on the show exhaustingly chasing his own tail round and round in circles. Natalie meanwhile does some AGGRESIVELY fake crying. We’re talking “that Dawson’s Creek gif on crack” here. Alex is, bizarrely, the only one there who acts like a grown-up (ironically given that he spends the entire episode whining that nobody respects him because he’s only “22”, or whatever fake-ass vampire cover story he’s got running) and hence the only one to walk away from the DOUBLE FIRING that ensues. Never was one more richly deserved.

Next week : a dating agency advert starring Alex as an emo, and Luisa possibly murdering Jason in am attempted PM coup. Get ready for this series high point people, because it is coming.


35 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – Week 7 Summary

  1. Ferny

    What a series it has been so far. SO GOOD. And that was before Jason selling a caravan and it coming to light that Alex sells tombstones. I hope his business plan is just a whole line of tombstones, and coffins.

    I like Myles but I think his selling patter is too niche i.e. mature rich women. Whereas Jason managed to find his niche today i.e. older ladies who want to mother him.

  2. constantmotion

    Double firing was inevitable, but totally justified. I was hoping they’d bring back the old “boop, boop… boop BEE-doop” music at the first sign of a double firing – the current one, though tense, lacks any real climax. Just sort of fizzles out. Still good though.

    I’d have more to say on this week’s episode, (which I loved, it might be the best of the series so far – for the moment Jason was brought back into the boardroom alone!!) if it weren’t for the fact next week looks like utter carnage. Judging by the seating arrangement, and the seating arrangement alone, I think it’s got an outside shot at beating Marrakesh in terms of utter devastation. Then going by the You’re Fired trailer… never worth getting your hopes up, but oh, I cannot wait.

    One thing I will say on this week’s – I loved how obvious it was that Myles and Leah had seen the show before, when they were negotiating. That whole sequence, where they tried so hard not to make the same mistakes every other Apprentice candidate makes on this task, and in their zealotry went too far the other way, was utterly golden. That’s a very special type of genre-savviness – so completely aware of the show they’re on that they swerve a thousand miles around the elephant trap, and instead end up falling off some cliffside in Fife.

    1. monkseal Post author

      My favourite part of that sequence was Natalie leaping in trying to do the same thing, not quite understanding why, making it worse.

  3. loisabigail

    “So how are you doing that? Seriously, I want to learn from you.”
    “I dunno, I’m just selling them.” *shrugs*

    One of my moments of the series so far. And what a series it’s been.

    Well, that and Jason’s GIANT TEDDY and old lady flirting techniques.

  4. FuTeffla

    I took notes on the episode for a friend who is away but now when I come to talk about it, the only thing I can really say is JASON. Because Jason. From the second we saw that giant teddybear, I knew I was going to get everything I wanted, not just from an Apprentice episode but from life in general.

  5. Josh

    Poor ol’ Natalie. Not only did she only win one out of seven tasks, but she’s basically got this year’s Worst Candidate (Talent) Monkie in the bag, hasn’t she? Bless ‘er.

    Still, she looked damned fine on You’re Fired, so she’ll get my vote in the Smash Hits Sexiest Female category.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think I can pick out the four winners of the main categories already to be honest. What I’m left wondering is if some candidates will be Top 5 for both best and worst personality. I think it’s a definite possibility.

  6. Tim

    You have to love Jason in this episode, not least because his bumbling Bo-Jo patter actually works wonders for once.

    Kurt was doomed, but given that he wasn’t allowed to impale himself on one of Nick Hewer’s expensive fountain pen nibs I had no complaints with who he brought back. Not least because it meant Natalie played her final trump card – “you wouldn’t turn on a crying woman, would you?” – and was still fired. Heh.

    And what was with the “I’m so obviously suited to selling caravans because I’m in recruitment” thing. Anyone? Or am I expecting too much from someone who thinks a boat seat is a table and a cow is a horse/dog?

    Random gibber as usual here:

  7. Jack

    OMG, What an episode. Quite possibly beat Dubai and I thought that would never have been topped and then, Oh! Next week! Looks like mayhem.

    On the subject of this episode. Double firing was the 100% right decision, because what has Natalie done in her seven weeks? She has had two warnings and paid them no attention. God, her ridiculous bumbling in the boardroom about how she could have sold 300 CARAVANS TOTES was just bizarre. She was the weakest one left by far. And Kurt? Made so many errors, it was ridiculous. Stupid divisions of the sub-teams, picking the caravan that hadn’t sold, sending Natalie off to the low-end products, not putting Alex on the caravan selling, actually moving Leah over to the caravan sub-team and physically admitting it was because she was eye candy and on top of everything, he didn’t bring Myles back to the boardroom and clearly brought Nat in because she had that major warning two weeks ago. I’ve defended him here on the past but that firing was richly deserved.

    Alex deserved a shot as PM (Though he seems to avoid it again next week as well???) but did make key mistakes here and he could do with redeeming himself quickly. Leah was much better this week, but it looked as though she sealed a deal, so it was bizarre for Nick to state that it didn’t go through. For her to have any chance, though, she needs to prove she can manage properly in the future. Based on this week’s edit, Myles is out soon. Not good at all this week.

    I still think he’s one of the most competent and intelligent ones there, but I’m rapidly struggling more and more to defend Jordan. The series of subtle negative edits he’s receiving is slowly ramping up and PM win next week could be crucial. Jason remains awesome, the teddy bear and the caravan he sold were great and Lord Sugar actually asked him to go back into the boardroom for a well done! His firing is going to be so painful to watch.

    And then next week… Its looks awesome. I know I say this every week but I cannot wait.

    1. Laura

      Appparently there was something to do with the sales having to be financially checked before they counted towards the figures (ie whether the buyers actually had the cash) so I’m guessing that if Leah did sell anything it must have fallen through.

      1. monkseal Post author

        Looking back, we don’t see her close the deal. The couple tell her “if we buy a caravan it will definitely be this one” and then they walk off. I guess there might have been a possibility of a write in deal after the show had closed? I dunno.

  8. Shrinking Man

    Neil’s redemption continues as he starts the episode by actually asking his team’s opinions about which product to get. Week 1 Neil would never have done that.

    Jordan: “What are you doing that I’m not doing?”
    Luisa: *Bats eyelids coyly* “I don’t know”
    Jordan: “No, I’m being serious, I want to learn from you”
    Luisa: “Oh! I don’t know, I’m just selling them”.
    This is why Luisa is my favourite candidate.

    As for people wondering what Natalie’s dribbling on about selling caravans because she’s in recruitment was all about – it wasn’t about selling caravans at all. It was a transparent cry of “I’m pretty, too! Call *me* eye-candy!”

    And Alex sells tombstones. You couldn’t make it up.

    1. Jack

      Yeah I wondered that re: Natalie. She was visibly put out when Kurt ordered Leah off the sub-team, but it was utterly stupid to bring it up in the boardroom when she couldn’t back it up with anything other than “I’m in the recruitment industry”

      Yeah, OK.

    2. monkseal Post author

      I loved Natalie said “you’ve seen the numbers” to Lordalan about her career in recruitment. The…numbers of camper vans sold?

  9. Neio

    Watching Jason interact with the oldies at the caravan show, I’m increasingly convinced he’s npot after the investment money and is just trying to get headhunted by Nick as a new regular on Dictionary Corner on Countdown á la Gyles Brandreth. This episode was golden, from the giant teddy bear to basically trolling Neil Neckbeard by bumbling around the caravan show.

    It was difficult to recognise Kurt smiling on YF instead of sporting his usual Grumpy Cat face. He did deserve to go this week, for bringing the wrong people into the boardroom as much as anything. And Natalie’s firing was long overdue.

    Next week looks totally amazing already, from Luisa attempting a Helen Entity-style PM takeover, to Leah progressing from being “eye candy” this week to basically being encouraged to tongue a random, rather unassuming-looking male model, to Alex… doing whatever it is he’s doing in the promo. If it’s even half as good as it looks, it’ll be a classic.

    1. Alex B

      It also sounded like Myles is going to casually mention his wife is a porn star. I’m not so sure about Luisa’s attempted take-over though, isn’t that what she does every week?

      1. Neio

        I was really shocked to hear Myles was married – she must be very understanding about his career as a high-class Monaco gigolo.

  10. octodoll

    I wonder if the show may, if anything, be underplaying Neil’s dominance in the competition (and playing up the “overnight nerves”) in order to keep the redemption arc viable. I hadn’t quite appreciated the implications of Neil as a “turnaround manager” until I read this. He got the lion’s share of the credit for Endeavour’s win last week, and then this week led the wreckage of Evolve to a crushing victory over Endeavour – about two thirds of which seemed to be down to his own two camper sales, although it was Jason who got the Sales God mantle for his one sale.

    (Of course, I may be biased because I was so depressed by the initial standard of this year’s candidates that I’ve been clinging to this redemption arc like a drowning rat since the first signs of it turned up in the week 4 boardroom.)

    1. monkseal Post author

      Based on the preview clips he’s also not directing (Myles/Francesca) or appearing in (Alex/Leah) either of the cringey adverts either. Clever boy.

  11. Missfrankiecat

    My all time fave Apprentice moment is still Simon Ambrose demonstrating that trampoline but Jason driving Neckbeard Neil to distraction and then pulling off the first big sale is pretty close. What a pleasure that this year’s comedy gold candidate is, unusually, also decent and endearing rather than the usual Stuart Baggs type horror.

  12. Paw

    So it looks from next week’s preview that Luisa succeeds in taking over as PM, as in the boardroom she is sitting in the PM’s position.

    1. octodoll

      Luisa seems to be on the upswing. I like both her and Neil at the moment – well, perhaps “like” is the wrong word! but they are both looking very solid because beneath their gigantic egos they both seem to have a shred of business sense and at least some sense of humour. They also look less likely to crumble in the boardroom than the others – but I guess that remains to be seen!

      1. tabithakitten

        That’s a shrewd comment. No, neither Luisa or Neil are particularly likeable in the strict sense of the word but, yes, they do both look to be the most unrufflable (not a word as yet but am patenting it cos think it sounds quite good) and both have had unambiguous positive moments. I think both will go far . Somewhat reluctantly.

      2. octodoll

        Unrufflable is a great word. I must get it into a conversation!

        I think it’s probably because their self-belief is so total that it’s not easily shaken. Of the two though, Neil is getting more likeable as time goes on and he’s less defensive in the boardroom – he might be bullheaded on the task (though the other candidates seem to get on with him ok) but he does actually seem to listen to feedback from Lordalan/Nick/Kaen. Luisa is a tough cookie but not as self-aware – so ultimately her fighting spirit might be her downfall.

        Jordan is getting such an unflattering edit that it’s almost impossible to tell what his real personality is. I’d think it was an editor’s bluff but it’s gone on for a bit too long now!

  13. TheBockingfordKid

    I enjoyed the sound of thousands of crushes and lustful fantasies hit the dirt when Myles fell in love with every product and fellated all the sellers, who found his technique needy and odd-putting, as did his fans. If he wants to turn around his fortunes he needs to take drastic action next week, like spank one of the girls or something.

  14. JAndrews

    I don’t think the eye-candy thing at that stage was that much of an outrageous idea. The idea that senior blokes might be more tempted to buy something from a pretty blonde Irish girl isn’t far departed from the idea that Jason did ok at sales because appeals to older ladies who want to mother him, is it? I’ve bought things in shops that i wouldn’t have done if assisted by an uggo.


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