The task is, as expected, the “Buy 10 Items Task”, now busted down to 8 because of exchange rates or whatever. The 8 items are notionally for the opening of a brand new hotel in Dubai, where Zeeshaan lived once (so doomed) and where Myles has seduced many a rich Arabic widow before leaping from their hotel balcony clutching all their jewellery twixt his buttcheeks. A hotel that needs a lot of falcon hoods. Other requested items are a flag, an oud (musical instrument), a kandura (a form of dress), a pot plant, mosaic tiles, a coffee pot and…I dunno…something else. My note-taking ability is only so strong.
As Endeavour are down 7 – 5 in numbers, as is customary Lordalan ports over one of Evolve’s stronger members – Dr Leah, in order to even things up a bit. Unfortunately for Endeavour, Dr Leah is able to stand spending all of 15 seconds with Zeeshaan in a high humidity climate before absolutely flipping out on him, spending all day alternately hurling abuse at him and having a flaming sulk. Zeehsaan of course does the absolute worst possible thing he can do, which is make his new nemesis the leader of the subteam (consisting of her Neil, and Alex), whilst at the same time making her fully aware that he thinks he’s doing her a massive favour by doing so. She spends the entire day yelling at shopkeepers in the most overwrought Norn Iron accent seen on UK tv since that episode of Coronation Street where Jim McDonald stubbed his toe so he did. Between her rage, Neil’s tripping up over his own feet, and Alex seemingly more obsessed with proving his virility to passers-by, her sub-team come back with 1 item. It’s a far cry from the glory days of Week 1. Zeeshan’s sub-team however, prove little better, as Kurt disappoints the team by delivering 12cms when he promised 12 inches. Which I’m sure isn’t uncommon for candidates of this show.
Meanwhile Evolve, under PM Myles, are ALL ABOUT the beautiful subteam of Luisa, Jason and Jordan who basically treat this task as the holiday it is. Luisa packs her bikinis, Jordan packs his best casual mint-green arse hugging hipster pants and Jason packs his best floral “gap yah” attire and they all HIT THE MALL! They gawp at sharks, they skip around perfume shops, they speak in really outstandingly offensive accents to all the locals. Then about 5 minutes before the task is over they remember they’re supposed to be, like, negotiating and shet, and so Luisa and Jason form a bizarrely effective negotiating tag-team and take down a handful of items. Even though Myles subteam spent an inordinate amount of time getting their flag, it is at least the right size, and even Myles’ cack-handed negotiating style can’t cost them the win.
Their reward is to go get drunk on cocktails. Francesca and Jason are adorable whilst getting so. I’m fairly sure this iteration of Evolve are now my favourite team of nutcases in Apprentice history, unless anyone can offer up a better one.
The boardroom itself starts off slowly, as it mostly consists of Dr Leah (suddenly labouring under the biggest hair ever seen on this show EVER. Like, Udon noodles tentacles of candy floss and labrador hair) continuing the pile-on she’s made on Zeeshaan all episode. It almost looks like Zeeshaan might possibly survive just out of pity for the utter merciless pumelling she gives him, but he then makes the mistake of selecting Natalie (who has spent most of the task doing backgroundy Natalie things) for the chop over either Neil or Kurt. It’s a mistake because between them Natalie and Dr Leah issue probably the most savage blood-letting in the show’s history, from the second Zeeshaan forgets to hold the door open for them to the point where he gets mercy-fired just so the brutalisation will stop. After a whole series so far of pretty bland boardrooms, it’s good to finally have a classic.
Next week : the teams have to design corporate away days. Really, this series keeps on giving.