The Voice 2 : Episode 9 (Battle Rounds 3) [Part 2]

Oh shit that makes my PIN number…

You join us after the high intensity DRAMA of the first half of this last set of Battle Rounds. William has just chosen John Pritchard over Liam Tamne, and Jessie was so overcome with emotion that she had to go off and have a cry

and completely change her hair, make-up and wardrobe. The show makes sure to leave a lengthy awkward pause just before she comes back out, so we can all briefly panic and clutch ourselves in horror at the thought that Jessie might NOT COME BACK. I wonder if they have a back-up plan in case a mentor quits/dies/BECOMES JUST TOO EMOTIONAL. Actually, let’s not think about that too much because let’s face it, it’s probably Dido. Let’s just get on with these battles.

Battle #7

is to round off Team Jessie. Holly reminds us that Trevor is the backing singer who came to the show wanting to find a place where he wasn’t second billing to the egoistic face-pulling of narcissistic “superstars” (LOL OOPS) and that Lem is…well, Lem is Jessie J’s stalker. You might speculate that she’s left his battle til last so she can peg it to the car park extra quick when he gets rejected. I couldn’t possibly comment.

Jessie pulls Trevor and Lem out of her line-up and tells us all that Trevor is technically perfect, but Lem represents “Nu-Soul”. Which sounds more like a Frankenstein X Factor boyband than an actual thing. She then fills Trevor and Lem in that they will be singing “Soul Man” by Sam & Dave. The way Jessie J says “Sam & Dave” kind of makes them sound like the breakfast crew on Truro FM rather than, you know, one of the most successful soul acts in music history.

Rehearsal time now and Trevor & Lem enter Jessie’s blaring white lair.

Then Lem pushes Trevor down the stairs because he is TRYING TO HURT YOU JESSIE. TREVOR IS A BAD MAN WHO WANTS TO TAKE YOUR SHINE AWAY. As Evil Moira Ross despatches her Winged Monkey Voice Medical Team to tend to Trevor’s injuries (and also point out to him that he can’t sue because of Clause 17 in the contract) Moonpie frantically fills

“Soul singing is a lot of freedom with a little bit of control and I really want to see that fr…OH MY GOD I CAN SEE HIS BONE! IT’S STICKING RIGHT OUT OF HIS LEG! OH GOD I’M GONNA THROW UP!”

Once the two begin singing, Lem waffles his afro around, making Jessie J noises and

wailing to the heavens, whilst Trevor just sings the song. Arbiter Of Soul Jessie J tells Trevor that she doesn’t believe that he is in fact a Soul Man. He sounds more like a Soul BOY or maybe even a Soul FOETUS. She thinks that Trevor’s lack of passion and theatrics may be because he is a backing singer by trade, and therefore used to just mixing in in the background, rather than wailing glory notes over everyone to try to hog the spotlight. Trevor says that he’ll…work on that.

Lem conversely gets told that he’s overdoing it, and making too many silly noises and goign on too many extended runs just for the sake of it (JESSIE J IS SAYING THIS). Lem looks

devastated and then frets in interview that he is letting his idol down and that there’s no way in hell that he’s going to get picked and then he is unworthy of her love (Jessie, Jessie) and he’s just going to have to go and stalk Pixie Lott instead and leave “presents” for her outside her front door at 4am. He panics that when he opens his mouth to sing in front of Jessie, it just sounds like a guinea pig being kicked. As opposed to the *approved* Jessie J noise, which is that of a guinea pig being castrated.

Moonpie then makes Lem and Trevor make some sort of ass-backwards pledge wherein they’re not allowed to say that they’re a Soul Man unless they really mean it. They edited out the pledge he made Alex and Letitia make before they sang “Family Affair” obviously. Incest aint BBC1 prime time. If you want that shizz, turn over to BBC 3. For some reason though, Trevor seems to have taken the “Soul Man Pledge” seriously, and turns up for Live Rehearsals 100% more dynamic. In that he’s doing slightly awkward ankle swivelling Pulp Fiction dad-dancing.


Which of course BLOWS JESSIE AWAY. She decides that she is now ready to award Trevor the official designation of “Soul Man”. And all it took was a half-arsed moonwalk and the batusi. Meanwhile Lem

hides out under the stairs like Creper Gollum, hissing that Trevor is trying to steal his Jessie, just like James Morrison did. AND WHERE’S HE NOW? Under Lem’s patio, that’s where.

As they hype up for the battle, Lem says that he just wants to do his Idol proud, and Trevor ponders on how he just doesn’t want to be a backing singer any more. Not that the journeys of these two contestants are entirely one-note or anything.

Bloody hell.

The performance starts with a bit of soul banter which is doubly hilarious given that Lem clearly wants to rip Trevor’s head off and use it as a bowling ball.

Trevor : “Alright Lem, this is it, are you ready my friend?”
Lem : “YES I’M READY, YOU TWAT. ARE YOU READY?”
Trevor : “Yeah…erm…why not? Are you ready audience?!”
Audience : “woo….”
Evil Moira Ross : “ACTIVATE THE ELECTROCHAIRS!”

Personally I’m not ready for Trevor’s red trousers but

…apparently they’re a thing now, so I’m working on it. As for the performance, I think I prefer Trevor, even with his bizarre skedaddle-dancing. Lem’s voice is definitely better when they get up on the higher notes

as he himself points out by actively mocking Trevor’s attempts to get up there, but his voice is just a bit thinner and his runs go out of control a bit too often. Trevor’s singing a bit “auto-soul-phlegm”y at times, but there’s more there to get hold of. Generally though it’s better than most of the…noises we’ve had to put up with so far.

By the end, all of the judges are on their feet, a fact which Jessie makes sure to crow about. Even TOM is up a fact which

he shoots a look of disbelief down camera about. Danny starts for the judges, and congratulates Lem and Trevor for coming out and “opening the show like that”. I mean…I know they’re not even trying to hide that this is just two normal episodes smushed together but…COME ON. He goes on to say that he is standing up because the level of singing in the UK just went up another notch. Way to make this show sound like a Blue Peter Appeal totaliser Danny. How many notches did Mike vs Emma Jade cost us?

William goes on to say that he doesn’t know how Jessie is going to pick, because clearly both Lem and Trevor are Soul Men (bah dah bah bah, bah dah bah bah). I would suggest going for the one you HAVEN’T caught dancing around your dressing room in your clothes singing “Domino”. Tom says that he likes soul music, that he knows that song, and that he’s sung it himself.

Thanks Tom. To be fair, he did stand up all of two minutes ago, so he’s probably still on a bit of a head rush.

Time for Jessie to make her decision now, and she says that she imagines Lem is how Trevor was 10 or 15 years ago. Before male pattern baldness struck. She congratulates Lem on having worked on his vocals and Trevor on having worked on his performance since they first performed the song, and then

decides on Trevor. Bizarrely, Lem seems to be holding it together better than his family do.

Maybe he knows what’s coming.


William : “Lem, you are an artist, just like Lady Gaga, Macy Grey, Jentina and Cheetarah from Thundercats. I’m not using “artist” to mean “plays the guitar” like Danny would though. I’m saying they’re artists because they don’t listen to anything anybody tells them. Would my coaching help you realise that Lem? Would my coaching teach you to ignore my coaching?
Lem : “Will you wear a Mystic Meg wig and white up for me?”
William : “Yeah, sure, why not?”

STEALED!

Lem thanks William and Jessie both, and then scuttles off backstage to try to work out a way to worm himself back in to Team Jessie. What a shame he didn’t audition for Series 3, when I hear they’re going to debut the Double-Dog-Dare Steal and also the Wicked Wango Card. Danny tells William that he’ll regret picking Lem later, when Lem deliberately sabotages Cleopatra’s finale performance of “And I’m Telling You (I’m Comin Atcha)” by sneaking in Brantano under his mac and letting them loose on the stage halfway through, just so whichever of Jessie’s finalists (Matt Henry?) can win.

Next we get a quick discussion of how all of the steals came from Jessie’s group (apart from Jessie’s, obviously). That’s

THREE out of

FOUR. Thanks Jessie. She of course thinks this proves that she’s an amazing vocal coach who has polished every single one of her 12 acts to the level of superstars. William on the other hand introduces the possibility that Jessie is just ditching all the wrong people.

Anywho, this means that ALL OF THE STEALS HAVE NOW BEEN USED UP. THERE ARE NO MORE STEALS AVAILABLE. Don’t worry if that hasn’t stuck by the way, because they may be mentioning it again later.

Battle #8 time!

Reggie recaps for us that Alys is the one who auditioned for Series 1, got rejected, and came back stronger and FAR MORE ANNOYING THAN EVER BEFORE, as she took three days to pick her mentor. Lean….Lareena on the other hand, is the Adele tribute act who DEFINED the sort of act you only find on Team Tom.

Tom himself yoinks them both out of his line-up and tells them that they’ll be singing “Rambling Man” by Laura Marling. Just to recap, Lareena auditioned as an Adele tribute act singing an Annie Lennox song. Alys auditioned with a song by Laura Marling’s ex-boyfriend. *cough cough*

In the rehearsal room, Crazy Cerys asks Lareena what it’s like to sing every day of her life as “Adele” but then to come on this show and try to compete as “Lareena”.

And how can Cerys use this to overcome the multiple personalities currently battling for supremacy in her own head? Lareena replies that she loves Adele to bits but at the end of the day, she wants to be herself. Lareena then proceeds to put her own personality stamp on the performance by letting Alys ride roughshod over her throughout the rehearsals, repeatedly changing the pitch and arrangement of the song to suit her, whilst Lareena just stands there






pulling faces. She clearly should have drawn on some of her inner Adele strength here, because I can’t imagine her standing for any of this. Alys would have been lying in a pool of her own blood and teeth within about 15 seconds of her demanding that Tom “brighten up” her vocal.

Alys interviews that

rejection last year has turned her into an out of control megabitch who will crush anyone in her path in her deranged quest for glory. Or something like that. And the show’s fans claim it doesn’t do villain edits.

Incidentally, for all the show’s claims that it’s trying to distinguish Lareen from Adele

this styling suggests otherwise. The battle is another fairly neat contrast between Lareen, who is technically pretty note-perfect but is performing with all the emotion of an automatic supermarket check-out, and Alys whose voice is all over the place but is selling the wiggins out of the thing. And really emphasising her Welsh accent, just for Tom. Lots of rolled rs and soft vowels. To be honest though, I can’t really summon up much interest in either.

Reggie tells Tom, once they’re finished, that he’s got a really difficult decision on his hands, a decision made even more important by the fact that there are NO STEALS LEFT. William is first in with his opinions, telling Alys that she generally sounded wonderful, but there were a couple of flat notes in there. Lareena on the other hand was flawless, and he would pick her. Of the two. If there was any way in hell anybody like either of them would ever get within 5 feet of his team, which there isn’t.

Jessie says that Lareena is better technically but Alys has a nicer tone, so she’d pick her. We don’t hear what Danny thinks, instead getting straight to the point of Tom’s final decision. He tells both women that they sang beautifully and did him proud, but in the end he’s got to pick

Alys.

Before Alys can run off in celebration, Reggie asks her how it feels to make it through to the Knockout Rounds, given that last year she screwed up her Blind Audition. Alys replies that she can’t find the words to describe how good it feels.

I’m sure Lareena can think of some. As Alys scampers off to take tips from Emmy J Mac about what’s going to happen to her next, Reggie asks Lareena AS THERE ARE NO SAVES LEFT if she has anything she’d like to say to Tom. Lareena tells Tom that

NEVER MIND, SHE’LL FIND, SOMEONE LIKE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU. She’s sorry that she couldn’t make him feel her love, but she’s not going to give him the cold shoulder. Rumour has it that even if the sky falls (and it CWUMBOWS) that she’ll still be chasing pavements and turning tables, trying to find some of that hometown glory. Now excuse her, whilst she goes off and sets fire to the rain (/Alys’ house).

Tom is clearly moved, and Jessie says she’ll give him a hug if he wants. He doesn’t.

Time for Battle #9 now and

it’s these two. Holly nudges our amygdalas until they flare up indifferently, telling us that Paul is that one who used to be the singer in The Blue Velveetas with a crotch-bulge that got me through the last 5 minutes of the worst audition show in this franchise’s history, and Sean is that one who was part of that “SOME PEOPLE ARE PICKING DANNY” montage along with Her From Hollybobs. Holly tells us that “Sean’s amazing range” started a “bidding war” between Tom and Danny for his services. I’m not sure what was actually being bid, other than “empty promises”, “hollow brags” and “utter bollocks”, but there we are.

When the duo are called out, Sean panics because

he and Paul are very different singers, and he thinks that whatever song Danny picks is going to favour one over the other. I can’t believe Sean is worried that would happen. ON THIS SHOW? Danny then explains that he has paired Sean and Paul together because he thinks they can learn from one another and grow together.

Ricardo kind of looks like he’s thinking of the same context for that “learning and growing” as I am. I suspect the actual reason that Danny has paired them together, is that together they are “Sean Paul”, and Danny finds that amusing. I can’t wait for the future battles of “Lily vs Alan”, “Dean vs Martin” and “Sheryl vs An Actual Crow”. Which would still sound more pleasant than Sarah Cassidy vs Katie Benbow did.

Danny goes on to say that Paul can teach Sean about performance, given that the latter has little experience of public performance (you know, except when he was an X Factor finalist for three weeks) but is am “Internet Sensation”. Yes, that’s right, Sean is in fact Nyan Cat. Oh alright he’s not. Here’s Sean being an “Internet Sensation”.

Exciting.

Danny tells Sean and Paul that they’ll be singing “I’m A Man” by The Spencer Davis Group.

So that’s “Soul Man”, “Rambling Man” and now “I’m A Man” all in a row.

In rehearsals

everyone’s having a fine old time, until everyone’s boring aunt Dido pops in.

Dulldo : “What’s great about this song is that you can use the lyrics to put a real picture in your head and then you can open up and make it your own”

WHO INVITED THIS BORE? I don’t care if Paloma called the show a bunch of fake crap which didn’t utilise her amazing talents, if you paid her enough (ie anything) she would have come back. Or Ana Matronic. Or a GIANT PIECE OF CHEESE.

Once Dildo’s killed the mood, Sean says that Paul is “your quintessential rocker” and a bit cooler and edgier, whereas Sean is super chilled out and laid back in that he isn’t




actually having sex with his mic-stand on stage. The sort of sex that Sam Attwater and Brioche pretended they were having on Dancing On Ice.

Surprise, surprise, Danny is in favour of Paul’s mic-stand antics, despite the fact that it is the most off-putting thing showcased on the series this year, apart from Brantano’s personalities.

Pre-battle, Paul says he is ready for a fight, and Sean wheedles that he JUST CAN’T FACE GOING BACK TO YOUTUBE! I know those ads are annoying Sean, but they’re a price we all have to pay to watch wobbly poorly mad fan vids of RuPaul’s Drag Race lip-syncs so…

Onto the stage and

Danny throws a massive strop down the phone to Evil Moira Ross for ruining his funny joke, and then Evil Moira Ross reminds him that nobody would even know who he was if it weren’t for her, and he is quiet. The battle itself devolves very quickly into a battle between the two of them to act like the biggest self-parody possible, Paul charging around the stage rasping into his mic like someone applying a chainsaw to a harmonica and flinging his mic-stand around like it’s a police attack dog trying to bring him down, whilst Sean stands legs akimbo eye-fucking all the judges and wailing. Given that I didn’t even know what Sean sang like 5 seconds ago, it’s quite an achievement that he’s a self-parody ALREADY. The lyrics get completely lost in the melee. Sean at one points sounds like he’s singing “if I had my choice in matter, I would rather me with kids” and Paul then follows this up with “I toilet trained with crows”.

Oddly it…kind of works? Although I might just be saying that because it gets a bit






homoerotic in the middle. So there’s that.

Once they’re done, Holly says she’s glad that that’s over, because at points it looked like Paul was going to hit Sean with his “mic stand”. Paul chortles that that was the aim. I bet it was. Also

this.

William tells Sean that he really liked his falsetto, but Paul really has an “old soul” quality to his singing, and he’d pick Paul for that reason. Jessie gives notice that she’d pick Sean, because all that mic-stand stuff pissed her off, and Tom finishes off by saying that he knows that song and also he sang it and also Spencer Davis Group are from the same time as him, the 60s. The 1760s. BC. He would pick Paul, because he felt his performance suited the song better.

Danny closes by revealing that he paired Sean and Paul together because Paul’s range is “quite linear” (?) so he wanted to see if being partnered with Sean would pull more diversity out of him, and also Sean needs to learn how to be a showman. In the end he picks

Sean, but not before Holly reminds us that ALL OF THE STEALS HAVE BEEN USED. I find this decision a little surprising, given Sean’s lack of airtime and also Paul’s inherent Dannyness but again, I doubt either of them would have gone any further either way so…why not? One last man hug for the road?

Yeah, I don’t think Paul’s much of a cuddler Sean. Probably best to just leave with your memories. Sean tells us that Paul’s performance was incredible and

Paul’s all “damn right”. Holly then reminds him that there’s NO STEALS LEFT so this is goodbye for Paul. *sniff* His parting words are telling us that in that battle, it really could have gone either way. Paul Carden : Versatile Top everybody.

William says that he thinks Danny made the wrong decision, because Paul was “fierce” but Danny counters back that he ended up choosing Sean to stop his team getting too samey. It can’t ALL just be white guys with guitars. Honest.

Battle #10 next

with Holly informing us that Emily was the girl who sang “Common People” in a funny voice but was ultimately just another pawn in William’s MIND GAMES, whilst Moni was the blacked-up ginger Jewish Lionel Richie from TV’s “The One And Only”.

Or at least that’s how I remember him.

William tells us that Emily is a folk singer, and Moni is a soul singer, so it makes perfect sense to pair them up and see what happens. SPOILERS : it’s about as successful as William’s attempts to merge the worlds of pop and opera into poopera. When they’re pulled out, William tells them that they’ll be singing “Little Talk” by Of Monsters And Men.


Don’t get so smug Emily, it turns out that William has tilted the playing field hard in your favour just to amuse himself. It’s not going to wind up going anywhere. She interviews that the song is one of her favourites. Moni interviews that he’s never even bloody heard of it. Bless.

In rehearsal, International Porn Star Dante Santiago asks Moni if he feels inadequate because he doesn’t play guitar. Moni says

“kinda” whilst Emily grins her head off. Moni sighs that in fact he can’t play any instrument at all. What, not even the ukulele? Emily lies that she wants Moni to be comfortable on stage as well, but then William tells her that this a battle and she doesn’t have to bother will that stuff and she’s all

“LOL ok then”.

William interviews that Emily is really in her comfort zone on this track (was there ever a greater arbiter of impending elimination?) and that Moni is really worrying that he’s going to get rejected by William for Emily because she can multitask. Don’t be sad Moni, just pull out your ability to parallel park and read maps.

In the live rehearsals though guess what? Moni has really upped his game, whilst Emily has stagnated.

WILLIAM IS CONFUSED. Moni asks him if he can run around mugging to the crowd and jumping up and down on the choices, and William tells him that frankly he’d be disappointed if he didn’t.

As the contestants walk to the ring, Reggie hypes this as a battle of “youth vs experience”. Moni Tivony is 32. As if to add insult to injury, Reggie calls him “an Essex man with a soul”. A rarity indeed. Although he also says that Emily has a “country style” which…they’re really pushing the definition of that word to act like it’s a viable genre on this show aren’t they? You might as well call Karl Michael “country”. Well…one letter off anyway.

In the actual performance, it’s fairly obvious that Emily is working in a genre that she’s comfortable with and Moni…isn’t. Nothing flows or gels together and it just sounds a bit like a guy singing along to the radio in his bedroom. He also does



The Snoopy Dance to try to hype the crowd up. It doesn’t appear to do much except make him look vaguely adorable.

Once they’re finished, Jessie is the first to speak for the judges.

I like how her earings give her the effect of wearing a vampire cape without actually having to do it. She starts off by lecturing the audience about how they were clapping along out of time. Personally I’d rather she chastised them for clapping along at all, then ported her over to the Strictly audience, but then you can’t have everything you want, otherwise this episode would be over already. She goes on to tell Emily that she didn’t think she really got to hear what she was capable of in that song, and that Moni’s dancing around made his vocal go all “roarghrwargh”. Technical term there. She would pick Emily, because she feels that Emily is unique in this year’s competition.

Danny follows up and says that Moni is a better singer, but Emily is a better ARTIST (because she plays the guitar) so he would pick Emily. He does say that he wouldn’t have paired them up, because they both deserve to go through. Yeah, what sort of dummy would pair together two people who they felt should both go through. What sort of DUMMY would do that, DANNY? (*checks watch*). William replies that he paired them together because it was

“a way for me to gauge and see clarity in an obscure situation”.

Well that’s made that much clearer, well done. He ends up picking Moni, because he thinks he can “help him control his gift”.

Moni is such a ball of energy that he can’t even stay still long enough for the Rev. Reggie to hold his hand up. I think someone would maybe benefit from some Ritalin. Sadly there ARE NO STEALS LEFT, so Emily must go home. Oh well. Jessie though has solidarity with her, and tells us that

“I don’t think Will necessarily chose the WRONG person, he just chose the person who was the loudest, not so much the best”. Well that’s why they call it Shout Tennis Jessie.

Battle #11 now

and it’s these two. Holly reminds us that Colin is a rock singer with huge amounts of experience, who’s just never been able to catch a break (except when he got to be on TOTP and tour America and even have his application for this show practically filled in for him by somebody else) and Ragsy is Ragsy.

Tom tells us that Colin has a really “edgy voice” (LOL at describing anything to do with Colin Chisholm as “edgy”) but Ragsy is bringing something new and fresh with his voice. They’re also both utter fodder so (*shrug*). They will be singing “Starlight” by Muse.

Time now to check in for our last session with Crazy Cerys. Truly she has been my favourite part of these Battle Rounds. We join her in the middle of daring Tom to sing a particular line from the song, which she’s chosen at random. In doing so, she uncovers the fact that he doesn’t really know the song at all.

OLD FRIENDS. Once in the room, there is some really clunky manufactured tension built up around the fact that Colin is Scottish, but Ragsy, Tom and Cerys are all Welsh. I say “clunky” and “manufactured” but it turns out that this is actually probably going to make a difference. Oh well.

Once Colin starts singing, Ragsy visibly quails. And not for the normal reason you’d quail at a voice on this show. No, Ragsy is intimidated by Colin’s big voice. Colin says that he’s just here to show that someone who is 60 can compete with someone who is

“20…30…”. Yeah, Ragsy’s age could really be anything couldn’t it? Once they’re done running through the song, Cerys asks Colin if he’s one of the oldest in the competition. No Cerys, Jessie has a whole squadron of septuagenarians waiting in the other room. Tom snorfles that in fact HE is the oldest, and then Colin giggles that he doesn’t look it.

OI, YOU TWO, STOP FLIRTING.

Time for the actual battle now, and really the highlight for me is Colin Chisholm’s amazing






dad dancing. What a star. Vocally he’s much better than Ragsy as well, in that he sounds like a singer, whereas Ragsy just sounds like the guy who somehow found himself at the front of the band because he was the least bad singer. His whole vibe is basically of someone in a pub rock band doing a cover because the guitarist wants to do it, rather than because he wants to. Colin’s not perfect by any means, but he is at least trying to hit half the notes, not biting them off/slurring them/just changing them because he can’t hit them.

Once they’re done, Holly calls for opinions from the judgery. William starts by saying that Colin is the coolest dad in the world. To which his daughter

fist-pumps. He also tells Colin that they have the exact jacket now, just as they had the exact same jacket at the Blind Auditions. To be fair, that’s not saying a lot, as I can imagine William owns…pretty much every jacket. He’s wearing at least three tonight. He goes on to compliment Ragsy on his falsetto and tell Colin that he hopes he becomes like him when he grows up. Whenever that might be. For that reason, he’s going to choose Colin.

Jessie says that she loved everything about that battle, right up to Ragsy slurring everything. I think Jessie may be coasting a bit now that her team got rounded off about an hour ago.

It’s time for Tom to decide, but not before Holly reminds him that there are NO MORE STEALS LEFT. Tom hems and haws and says it would have been easier if one of them messed up, but unfortunately for him nobody did, so he’s just going to have to decide based on who has more potential moving forwards. Which makes no sense, because neither of these guys are making the live shows but hey ho

Ragsy’s through because he’s “more relevant” (/is precisely no more relevant, but is younger, probably).

Jessie sighs that she wishes that Tom would have picked Colin, but she can see why he picked Ragsy. She doesn’t explain why that is, but…why should anyone explain any of the decision they make during this round? It’s what makes it fun! Not at all 4 hours now of televisual coin flipping. Tom then waffles away about how he *secretly* only picked Ragsy because he’s Welsh *wink wink*.

LAST ONE!

Nadeem is the one who used his spiritual lubricant to slide into Team Danny whilst Karl is the one who wanted us to feel sorry for him because, at 26, he doesn’t own a house or sleep with beautiful supermodels like someone of his vocal talents clearly should be doing by rights. Seriously, people talk about X Factor being bad because people get eliminated based on their personality not their talent but…would anyone seriously object in this instance?

Danny tells us that both Nadeem and Karl have “been through the wars” and you can tell it from their voices. Just to recap, Nadeem’s mother died whilst he was a teenager, he’s been homeless, and also suffered addiction to drugs and alcohol. Karl used to have a record deal and now he doesn’t. It’s really very comparable I’m sure you’ll agree. He tells them that they will be singing “Red” by Daniel Merriweather.

NO FAIR! I WISHED REALLY HARD FOR HIM TO STOP BEING FAMOUS, YOU CAN’T TAKE IT ALL BACK NOW!

In rehearsals, we learn that Nadeem and Karl are best friends.

They’ve bonded over the fact that they both look like what Richard Littlejohn imagines lesbians to be. Nadeem makes fun of Karl’s quiff, whilst Karl chortles that Nadeem’s hair is like Marmite. And that’s not Marmite as a signifier of controversy. It is LITERALLY like Marmite.

Dido’s final piece of advice for the series?

“Don’t overthink it too much, just let the emotrgt06678u5

Sorry about that, the coma I’d been threatening to lapse into all episode finally kicked in.

Nadeem tells us that he’s glad that he’s been given an emotional song to sing, because he doesn’t believe in songs that he personally can’t connect to. Well that makes him sound like a joy to work with, I’ve got NO idea why he didn’t get through. Anyway, Nadeem then

sits down with Danny, and tells him that he used to be addicted to “alcohol and street drugs”. It’s hard to describe how Danny reacts except to say that he starts jittering up and down in his chair in excitement and it’s kind of off-putting. I do wonder how they film scenes like this though. I mean…either Danny knew already and he’s acting this out, TOWIE style, or the producer actually said something along the lines of “Danny, can you sit down, Nadeem has something he’d like to tell you” about it.

Danny, from under heavy red bleary eyes

tells us that Nadeem really “sent him for a spin” with this revelation. He can’t BELIEVE there was a tragic backstory on this show that he hadn’t sniffed out. His powers are failing him. He’ll be replaced by Ed Sheeran next series, THANKS A LOT NADEEM.

Just so he’s not accused of showing favouritism, Danny then goes and has a chat with Karl about how he’s living in a bedsit. Danny sighs that he and Karl are SO SIMILAR. In fact Karl is where Danny was only three years ago.

“On 16 April 2010, their first U.S. single “Breakeven” was certified Platinum by the RIAA (the Recording Industry Association of America), selling over one million copies in the U.S. and has since peaked at No. 12 on the Billboard Hot 100 in the spring of 2010. The band performed a headline tour in the United States that kicked off in San Diego on 11 October 2010 at the House of Blues and ended on 7 November 2010 at the House of Blues in Boston, Massachusetts. On 21 May 2010, they appeared live on NBC’s Today Show as part of the show’s outdoor Toyota Concert Series”

Right from wikipedia there. IT’S UNCANNY.

They both talk a lot of guff about how difficult it is going to be to send home their BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, but they’re going to have to do it anyway, because their dream of opening a Farmfoods in Leigh-On-Sea isn’t going to build itself.

To the stage now, where Danny mouths “EMOTION! EMOTION!” at them whilst miming invisible boobies. To be fair, the actual performance itself is pretty good. They’re both singing it well, and putting lots of feeling behind the words. It’s certainly much better than the original, which is probably the whiniest recording ever put to press. Unfortunately the show can’t do much to big them up other than clips of bored looking audience members

and bored looking audience members WE’VE ALREADY SEEN IN OTHER BATTLE ROUNDS!

I hate that I have watched enough of this show that I can actually recognise audience members. In some cases, more accurately than I can recognise actual contestants. Anyway, my point is that Karl Michael deserves better and drink that up because it’s never getting said again on this blog.

Once it’s over Jessie says that if they put that recording out as a single right now, then people would buy it. You know, the judges are always saying stuff like this on reality shows but it never ACTUALLY happens. I WONDER WHY. I guess record industries are notorious for passing up opportunities to gouge out more sales. Jessie sighs that it’s really tough, and she doesn’t understand why Danny put them together. Couldn’t you have burned up Smith & Jones and Hollybint on them Danny?

Danny very solemnly says that he doesn’t know either. OOH, OOH, I’LL HELP! ITS BECAUSE THEY’VE BOTH HAD SUCH HARD LIVES! He should employ me as his PA or something. Anyway, Jessie says that she would pick Karl, because she thinks there’s so much of him we haven’t heard yet. Probably whining that he has to do his own laundry or something. Will says that he’s always loved Karl, but in this battle Nadeem was amazing. His voice sounded like a distorted saxophone. What a compliment.

Danny tells Nadeem and Karl that they’re both inspirational and both have been through the gutter and they’re both incredibly inspiring and then of course Reggie reminds him that THERE ARE NO MORE STEALS LEFT

Karl wins, William pulls

this face, and I am SO DONE WITH BATTLE ROUNDS.

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8 thoughts on “The Voice 2 : Episode 9 (Battle Rounds 3) [Part 2]

  1. Monaogg

    From an escapee from the Hair Bear bunch to someone who can sing but you want to slap their face.

    Brilliant recap.

    Reply
  2. MissE

    I really can’t quite put my finger on why I put myself through the battle rounds. I was invariably bored or got distracted by something else. Or wishing they’d just put Max and Bill’s battle from last year on loop as the only one I’ve really enjoyed and can remember.
    Anyway, I suppose I’ve only got myself to blame.
    Excellent and hilarious blogs from both of you. I always enjoy these more than the show itself. 🙂

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Battle Rounds seriously are such a drag. Can’t believe they DOUBLED the length of them over last year when that’s where the show started to lose momentum.

      Reply

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