A Quick & Campy Eurovision 2013 Ranking Post

The Serbian Feminazi Cupcakes WUZZROBBED.

26. Malta (Tomorrow) – 8th place : A nation rushes to vote for something on the LOLARIOUS grounds that is about somebody called JEREMY who works in IT and does RISK ASSESSMENTS lololololol, then fails to notice that the rest of the song is frankly endorsing stalking and performed by a man with the world’s creepiest face.

25. Spain (With You Until The End) – 25th place : I appreciate that, at its heart, Eurovision is a song contest, not a singing contest, and that technical precision will always have to come second to a catchy beat and a unifying theme. But even I have my limits. What a bloody racket.

24. Iceland (I Am Alive) – 17th place: This entry of course being the opposite axis, a guy with a legitimately beautiful voice, singing the world’s dirgiest dirge. EGG ON LEAF, EGG ON LEAF, EGG ON LEAF. That’s not even shading Icelandishic, which is a beautiful language. The parts of it that aren’t use to lure people into a tasty coma.

23. Italy (The Essential) – 7th place : Same as above but the voice was less beautiful whilst the man was more so. So long as you’re sort of into Lazytown, and Lord knows I am. Hubba Hubba. Apparently this song has been Number 1 in Italy for almost two months now. And this from the country that gave us Da Vinci.

22. Moldova (A Million) – 11th place : Oooh look, the dress got bigger.

21. Romania (It’s My Life) – 13th place : Turns out that Him from The Powerpuff Girls doing “It’s My Life” by Bon Jovi at karaoke was less awesome than you might think. The skirt was pretty much all this performance had going for it and…I’ve seen better.

20. Armenia (Lonely Planet) – 18th place : I have chosen a picture that’s not actually from the live performance, because frankly this blog can’t handle that amount of denim in one place at one time. Apparently the Armenian entry was written by Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath. And yet somehow writing the 18th place sell-out soft rock Armenian Eurovision entry performed by a band called Dorians (like in Birds Of A Feather) is still far less damaging to his metal cred than…anything Ozzy Osbourne has done since 1999 or so.

19. Ireland (Only Love Survives) – 26th place : You can take Eoin McLove, spray-tan him, give him an ear-stud, surround him by semi-naked tattooed tribal dancers, heck, even make him be from the UK, and he’ll still be Eoin McLove. BRING BACK JEDWARD!

18. Germany (Glorious) – 21st place : I guess the problem with inviting a legitimately era-defining artist like Cascada is that not everything can be “Evacuate The Dancefloor”. And I know that that sounds like sarcasm, but it’s not. As someone whose BLOSSOMING as a Eurovision watching male happened via a series of fumblings on darkened dancefloors to “Everytime We Touched”, I frankly think I deserved better than Cascada just nabbing the chorus from the last winner and wandering around shrugging for the rest. I didn’t expect better of Bonnie but I did of this. Don’t ask me why.

17. Sweden (You) – 14th place : Apparently there was strong feeling in Sweden that they might be the first nation other than Ireland to pull off the coup of winning back-to-back, which kind of mystifies me after seeing this performance, given that it felt like it was pitched at exactly the right level to NOT win but also not to look like the nation in question wasn’t trying. Do these high-energy “Biff from a porno Back To The Future” Scandi twinks ever really threaten for the win? Not to my memory. Instead, let’s talk briefly about the stellar job Sweden did of hosting, by which I mean that halftime song where Petra Mede sang about Smorgasbords, by which I mean the part where Carolla did a cameo then got catapulted off the stage.

16. Ukraine (Gravity) – 3rd place : Being carried on by a giant dressed as Legend Of Zelda cosplay is undoubtedly a fun gimmick, but it needs to be followed by something more thematically appropriate than 2002 era Celine Dion.

15. France (Hell And Me) – 23rd place: I’m all for perimenopausal French women having a nervous breakdown live on stage, I just would have liked to have been able to find a tune. I guess this is the disadvantage of only being able to hear The Big Five once each.

14. Russia (What If?) – 5th place: On the one hand I feel sorry for this poor simple Russian farmgirl for having to go out and sing a song about laying down your guns and living in peace given that, you know, RUSSIA. She doesn’t deserve to be blamed for her country’s political class. On the other hand, this was, whilst a sweet enough ballad, not quite saccharine enough for self-parody and not quite straight enough to be good. Also let’s face it, the only reason Putin would advocate burying guns is if he thought he might grow a gun tree in the process.

13. UK (Believe In Me) – 19th place: Poor Bonnie. The BBC’s constant self-consciously ironic pleas to BELIEVE in her, fully aware that she couldn’t finish higher than 15th made me a feel a bit sorry for her. Still, she got a month long European booze cruise out of it and based on her performance…she took advantage of it. I also don’t think the song was as bad as has been made out, in a kind of sub modern-era Dolly Parton sort of way.

12. Georgia (Waterfall) – 15th place: I was all over this song at the semi-final stage, but in retrospect I think it was only because of my need to a Eurovision boy-girl duet and also my weakness for songs that have been entirely constructed out of cliches. All dreams turning into dust and people being one another’s heartbeats and feeling like you’re flying. Sadly by the time the final came around I was kind of over it. I guess that sort of song is a confection you can only consume once.

11. Denmark (Only Teardrops) – Winner : Obviously to win Eurovision you have to be solidly beige enough to not offend anyone’s sensibilities, but this felt like a 1990s Canal+ collaboration cartoon theme-tune, right down to the tin whistle and the vague half-meant wistfulness. It’s incredibly catchy, so I’m fine with it winning, but I just wish the Manic Pixie Dream Girl singing it had been half as obnoxious as Lena was. Now there was a Eurovision winner who knew how to be quirky without coming across like a hyperactive serving wench from Knightmare.

10. Greece (Alcohol Is Free) – 6th place : OK, for a start, the trumpet player was the hottest guy at this year’s Eurovision, and that has to count for something right? They also managed to work in an old guy who actually had musical credentials and a reason for BEING there, rather than just because they’re LOLSOCOOT (*eyes to you Switzerland/Russia a year ago*). Also I’m a sucker for a big dumb chanting chorus with dubious political intents, and as those go, yelling “ALCOHOL IS FREE!” has to be right up there. I’m sure Bonnie could get behind it at any rate.

9. Azerbaijan (Hold Me) – Runner-Up: OK, so the song was solidly mediocre and the staging was straight out of an Adam Rickett video (without the shirtlessness mores the pity) but I’m mostly in favour of Azerbaijan this year for blossoming as the Dastardly & Muttley of Eurovision. Let’s tick off all of the ways they are the adorable villains of the show :

• Atrocious human rights record
• Hate the gays
• Tried to rig the vote in Lithuania and, let’s face it, any other country with a population below 4 million
• Demanded a official enquiry of their own phone vote because they panicked they hadn’t given enough points to Russia
• Getting the Azerbaijani President’s son-in-law to perform at their halftime show (NEVA 4GET)
• Not even being in Europe, and not in the cute way like Iceland or Israel.
• Being semi-competent, but never QUITE good enough to deserve the position they wind up finishing.

In summary, Eurovision would not be the spectacle it is without Azerbaijan there for everyone to boo the shit out of.

8. Belarus (Solayoh) – 16th place : And TONIGHT on “The Real Housewives Of Belarus” Alyona launches her pop career with an advertising jingle for Soleros, then throws her wine in Bonnie Tyler’s face. Fortunately Bonnie loves the sweet sweet taste and they become firm friends.

7. Hungary (My Darling) – 10th place : Let’s face it, ByeAlex was doomed to be hated on the Internet the second he was introduced with the information that he has a degree in philosophy and writes for a tattoo magazine. Combine that with his glass-free glasses, guitar strumming and…interesting singing style, and we had this year’s “OH MY GOD WHAT A FUCKING HIPSTER!!!” magnet. I don’t care, I liked him. He had the inherent sweetness of the Maltese entry but with less twee, less creepiness, and less of that bloody terrifying face.

6. Lithuania (Something) – 22nd place : Lithuania on the other hand had the sweetness of the Maltese entry plus a brand of creepiness all of its own. That of the guy you copped off with at the end of the night out of desperation wanting to come home with you and then talking about his shoes which he has given names all the way back until you run in, locking the front door behind you before calling the police. Never has a Eurovision contestant looked more in need of a good night’s kip and a mug of Lemsip.

5. Estonia (So There Can Be A New Beginning) – 20th place : Catchy title! Estonia had my favourite ballad of the competition by far, sung by a sweet-faced pregnant lady. Obviously they missed a trick by not having her actually go into labour halfway through the performance, hence their ultimately poor showing in the final. I guess all that talk of the ex Soviet states dominating this year was just hot air.

4. Netherlands (Birds) – 9th place : Whilst Hungary might have caught most of the brickbats, Anouk was the TRUE hipster champion of this year’s Eurovision. Turning up with a miserable ditty about dead birds dropping out of the sky, shunning interviews, sneering that Eurovision was even worse than she’d heard, not even bothering singing in tune in the semi-finals because she knew her vast fame would carry her through… The only fans of any artist who even remotely came for me on twitter whilst I was live-tweeting the show were Dutch fans, and I made it repeatedly clear I thought she was a Top 6 STAR of the competition. I guess calling her “That Miserable Dutch Bitch” might not have helped…

3. Norway (I Feed You My Love) – 4th place : Suffice it to say that Norway is who all the cool gays thought should have won Eurovision, what with her cutting edge “a bit like a Bond theme performed by Swindon’s premiere Bjork tribute act” song. Sadly I will never be a cool gay, so I’m only giving her an imaginary bronze medal. Still, you can’t deny that Margaret Berger has poise, stage presence, and a hell of a set of pipes on her.

2. Belgium (Love Kills) – 12th place : I don’t think anybody truly encapsulated the Eurovision spirit this year more than this adorable 18 year old, who looked a bit like the product of Friday Night Dinner incest fic, gleefully emoting his up-tempo paean to emotional pain, as written by the lead singer of Triple 8 and current husband of Kelli from Liberty X (SUCH BRIT POP ROYALTY!). The bad dancing, the overwrought singing, the earworm hook, the fact that it sounded a bit like The Wanted but DONE RIGHT. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a Belgian entry quite this much.

1. Finland (Marry Me) – 24th place: Duh. Nothing in this year’s Eurovision (escept possibly Sarah Dawn Finer almost making “The Winner Takes It All” bearable) was as gaymazing as this ridiculous Scandi skank re-purposing her deranged lyrical demands on her hold-out fiance to propose already into some sort of plea for marriage equality (/a desperate grab for the lesbian titillation vote). Not since Lesley Phillips himself has someone actually used the phrase “ding dong” succesfully in a sexual context. Krista also effortlessly mastered predominant Eurotrends “having your dancers make shapes behind you” (MAKE THEM A WEDDING PROCESSION!) and “sound a bit like you’re swearing” (“I DO IT FUCK YOU!”), and was generally the most fun three minutes of Eurovision this year. I cannot believe that this masterpiece only finished 24th, and can only presume that homophobia is the reason. FOR SHAME EUROPE. FOR SHAME. WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING MARRIAGE EQUALITY IF WE CAN’T ALSO HAVE EQUALITY IN EUROVISION VOTING?