The Apprentice 9 – Week 3 Summary

This week begins with two scenes that will live in my memory forever. First of all Jordan getting his toenails painted jet-black by Luisa. Second of all Natalie and Alex hurtling down the Apprentice staircase, elbows flying, desperately trying to score a point in Phone Answering Wars. I officially now have these people dancing specifically for my amusement. Let’s see what I can do next…

This week’s task is a Product Design task, in the field of flatpack furniture, with teams tasked with designing a Storage Space Solution. Led by Jordan, powered by Alex, the men of Endeavour produce a chair that turns into a table. Led by Natalie, powered by fumes, the girls produce…well they say a lot of things about “multi-functional” this and “adaptable” that, but in the end it turns out to be a grey box on wheels. A grey box on wheels that is somehow too complicated for the show’s design elves to put together, so they enclose a note saying “erm…you finish it”. But the important thing is that it DOESN’T REQUIRE SCREWS, unlike all those other boxes you see out there on the market. Rebecca is the only person who notices at any point that the Emperor’s box has no clothes on and is also is kind of grey, cold and ugly. Of course, absolutely nobody takes any notice of her, but I think we can all take it as a victory that she doesn’t get locked in the box then pushed down a hill going “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”, for dissent.

When it comes to selling their products, Rebecca, Luisa and Dr Leah are all the amazing sales forces that they’ve been for three episodes now, but it’s irrelevant, because they’re trying to sell a grey box on wheels, so they lose. Natalie brings back Uzma and Sophie to the boardroom, Uzma for claiming that she is able to do design when she can’t, and Sophie for claiming she can do anything at all, when she can’t. It’s left to Sophie to get the Episode 3 “well we cast you in good faith, but it appears you don’t work on reality tv on any level so BYE” firing, and she leaves in a huff, declaring herself too good for this show, then transparently pandering to public whim on You’re Fired (“OH MY GOD, I LOVE JASON, JASON IS MY BEST FRIEND! I HATED ALL THE OTHER WOMEN, AND I HOPE NEVER TO BECOME THEM!”) which is always my least favourite manner of going out on this show. I’d say she’s fooling nobody, but then 50% of the audience said firing her was a mistake so…never go broke correctly estimating that lowest common denominator, girl.

All of which makes it sound like the boys team don’t do much, but rest assured they are a masterpiece of physical comedy. Jordan visibly deflating Zeeshaan’s sales delusions, possibly with an actual pin ; Alex trying to make a sale by waggling his arse in the purchasers faces; Myles dancing around in a thong ; Jason. It’s a laugh a minute. Well…every 4 minutes or so, which is better than this stage last year so…good job guys!

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23 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – Week 3 Summary

  1. Lollypants

    Rebecca is this series official Cassandra, and I love her. She had all my feels from ep 1 for the shaky breathy crying

    Reply
  2. FuTeffla

    I’ve been thinking that there is something of the discreet male prostitute about Myles and having him parade about in a thong has done nothing to dissuade me from my belief that he is secretly Monaco’s top gigolo who has come into the Apprentice with the aim of securing Kaen as a sugar momma.
    Other things probably happened in this episode but the thong is the bit I was paying attention to.

    Reply
  3. Neio

    After last week’s “Oops, you caught me putting my towel on!” and this week’s thong incident, I’m wondering what Myles will come up with next week to showcase his… er, talents. I know I’ll be watching with great interest, whatever it is. As Apprentice gigolos go, he’s a huge improvement on Michael Sophocles.

    Uzma’s shaping up to be a classic Apprentice whackjob, they have to keep her in for a while. I’m still loving Rebecca. She’s like Yasmina crossed with Lorraine or something.

    I did kind of love Kaen’s cruelty when she was giving the girls the news about the Argos orders in the boardroom: “They loved you, they loved the pitch… but they hated the product and didn’t order any.” She’s still no Margaret, but that was classic!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Given that they’re on a farm next week, the potential for Myles “accidental” nudity is frankly endless. You’re not a proper gigolo unless you’ve done a sexy hayrick shoot.

      Reply
  4. funkieworm

    After the ‘Erin Island is real’ amazingness, I was watching last night’s episode of the Apprentice thinking that you could have written the entire thing. It’s as if it was made specifically for your blog! Can’t wait for the full write-up.

    Reply
  5. TheBockingfordKid

    (pitching) ‘Style is now a massive thing’ – wise words Kurt!

    Great episode, not enough Jason, but possibly the closest we’ve ever come to actual hair-pulling in the boardroom? Is it wrong to wish Lord Alan would say ‘go on, smack her one,’ because you know they would?

    I know women have a bigger challenge when it comes to business, when men can just wear a suit (though many still screw that up)- half of these women are dressing wildly inappropriately /like cheap tarts/ deliciously un-pc, me, just then/ for business meetings aren’t they?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I guess you have to factor in that a lot of them are selling make-up (Uzma), clothes (Natalie) or themselves as a media personality (hi Luisa!) so it makes sense to erm…put your wares on display.

      (Also obviously it’s Luisa’s tactic to have fake boobs)

      Reply
  6. Jack

    Urgh, Luisa is doing my head in. She needs to put up or shut up because I’m tired of her saying how great she is all the time.

    Delighted that Jordan got such a comprehensive PM win. I thought he led the team very well. Alex wasn’t as annoying as last week and I can handle the fact that he does annoy me sometimes because he is competent. Less so with Zee. Firmly my least favourite.

    Sophie should have stayed for my money and Natalie or Uzma should have gone. Yes, Sophie had done very little overall, but so had the other two and they meesed up the task more so than Sophie did.

    Looking forward to the recap as always!

    Reply
    1. Shrinking Man

      “Urgh, Luisa is doing my head in. She needs to put up or shut up because I’m tired of her saying how great she is all the time.”

      That’s why she’s so good. I hope she stays in until at least the penultimate episode.

      Reply
  7. David

    Oh nooooo, Sophie, you’re gone. For the first 20 seconds after waking this morning I thought you were still in ‘the process’, and then I realised the awful truth. If only you had some of the ‘skillsets’ actually needed for this show. If only you weren’t too classy to put up a fight in the boardroom.

    I definitely see Alex making the final now. The way he set about designing that product was truly awesome.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t if you imagining Sophie “in the process” first thing after you wake up in the morning is something you wanted to share with this blog or not…

      Reply
  8. TheBockingfordKid

    I thought Luisiusisa (Lucifer!) was gathering a clique around her, and Uzma was a part of it, with the main enemies Rebecca and the weak outsiders like Sophie to be ostracised and eliminated- now it just seems like it’s her and Mad Dog Natalie… (can’t believe their super-weak and hypocritical ‘she always passes the buck’ meme is getting any traction.)

    Get the right team leader in next week (er, who then loses), assuming the girls lose again (likely), and they can bring those two back to the board room – it’ll be mutually assured destruction o’clock!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s mixed teams next week by the looks of it. On the downside no more bitchy lady implosions, but on the other hand Jason has to interact with women so yay!

      Reply
  9. Shrinking Man

    So, goodbye, Sophie’s legs. I will miss you.

    It should have been Natalie to go because she didn’t lead the team well and was at least as culpable for the design as everybody else. Uzma gets a little more blame than anybody else for making it grey (seriously, grey?), but almost everybody agreed that grey was great, and [i]everybody[/i] bar the market research people was responsible for what was terrible about the design – which was everything other than the interlocking thing, from the concept up.

    As for the market research itself, they should have listened. The market research essentially said “this product is crap, come up with another idea”. Completely correct. You have to love Dr. Aisleyne throwing the whole team on their swords by saying “to be honest, I think we went with it because we didn’t have any better ideas”.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      My favourite Dr Leah moment was her suggesting in all seriousness that they add a wine rack to the cube. She knew what the deal was.

      Reply
      1. Shrinking Man

        Well, with an aspirational, middle-class design like that, a wine rack is an obvious addition. And it’s nice to see that Uzma honoured the wine rack idea with her hatchings on the side.

  10. Dublin

    This is how I see things. Feel free to disagree.. I love a good Apprentice debate!

    Jordan: Been very good since week 1 when he called Neil out for his constant self-praise and in subsequent weeks where he has a) not been a dickhead, b) gained respect from his teammates and c) convincingly led his team.

    Alex: Pinned him down as a joke after week 1, but he’s been pretty good. He talks sense and knows what he’s doing. Didn’t like the way he treated Jason in week 2 but apart from that, if you look past his unsettling exterior (which is starting to look normal now), there’s a solid candidate there.

    Jason: I love Jason. I can see a moment of either genius or insanity which will decide his fate.

    Myles: Hasn’t really done anything of note to have an opinion one way or another but my guess is he’ll fall by the wayside at some point and be quickly forgotten about.

    Neil: A tit. Not a total tit, but a tit nonetheless.

    Kurt: Made so many elementary mistakes as PM in week 2 that I’m itching for him to get found out. He’s in this clique with Neil, Myles (and part-time member Jordan) that really believes in each other but apart from salesmen, they’re pretty clueless.

    Zeeshan: A giggly little shit. I’m predicting a role reversal between him and Jason ending with Zee performing a fusion of Flashdance with MC Hammer shit. Good to watch tho.

    Women: Really hope someone ends Luisa. She’s almost as wet as Rachel Jordache from Brookside but without redemption. I didn’t think Natalie did a terrible job of managing her team, she just backed a bad idea and did a terrible job of defending it. Uzma reminds me of Adam in series 4 where he was just constantly unfairly targeted but Adam’s real downfall was that ultimately he never produced anything of note and you can see Uzma going down that road. She had a chance this week to show her creativity but we didn’t see it. Leah is a decent pitcher/seller but a bit meh. Francesca was probably the best of the girls in week 3 and I like Rebecca when she’s not so defensive.

    I’m really hoping to get some satisfaction from the firings this year to the level of Jenny Celerier, Lindi Mngaza and Philip Taylor. It’s been a while

    What firing has satisfied you the most, Monkseal?

    Great blog btw. Reading it is in my weekly routine… There’s no greater honour, my friend!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t imagine anything getting any better than Jenny Celery getting fired before the final boardroom had even started. Stephen’s was pretty righteous as well. And if we’re including firings at interviews, then Paul Tulip’s has to be up there.

      Reply

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