Turns out Lordalan couldn’t even succesfully organise a joke about a piss-up in a brewery.
6:00am, on Week 2, and it’s time to discover who gets the first point in Apprentice Phone Answering Wars 2013 :
I have to say, I think Luisa really has everything it takes to be an Apprentice Phone Answering Wars Champion. By which I mean “the desire to be seen on tv in skimpy nightwear”. Sadly for her, the appearance of Jason in his toothpaste-stripe pristine jim-jams and nerd glasses in the background, makes the whole scene look more like the poorly designed poster for a University Drama Soc production of an Alan Ayckborn sex farce than the pretence for a Nuts photoshoot. Anyway, this makes the scores so far :
Luisa : 1
Everyone else : Not 1
The disembodied voice of Lordalan’s gatekeeper tells Luisa that Lordalan would like to meet them at “The Old Bank” in Fleet Street and Luisa giggles, squeaks, and
twizzles her hair like she thinks she’s going there to find a rich old banker husband. They’re already hated enough that even being publically associated with Luisa (already “this year’s female candidate who attracts bizarrely OTT threats of sexual violence”) won’t really dent their public reputation. Sadly it is left up to Jason to tell her that it’s just a pub.
Of course, Luisa still squeals at this news, then runs round the house squirping and chirping and jumping up and down on beds and posing seductively in doorways growling “good morning boys!”
because Luisa WILL NOT BE STOPPED!
Luisa tearing around the house at maximum velocity though does allow the editors to indulge in their now-yearly spree of male candidate objectification.
OH HAI I’M TIM! MUMMY SEYS I LOOK HANDSOME IN MY TIE LIKE A PROPER GROWN UP! SHE SES DADDY NEVER WERES TIES BECAUSE HE IS A BUM! DADDY BUYS ME ICE-CREAMS AT WEEKENDS!
Meanwhile in the boys bathroom, Neil says “we’re hoping that it’s girls vs boys again aren’t we Jason?” as they both prepare for the day in front of the mirrors. Just imagine everyone speaking to Jason at all times like they we’re all in on the joke that is Jason being on this show in the first place. Which is really very unfair, because some people might have missed the first episode. Jason for his part sibilates “yes, we’ve got all our aggression out now haven’t we Neil?” whilst
constantly flickering his eyes to Neil’s naked torso. I’m so glad that the sexually inappropriate aspect of Jason’s character is making it to tv, because I was worried it would just be restricted to his audition tape, wherein he said that he and Macchiavelli had much in common, particularly how they had both set out to “seduce a lord”.
Everyone ready (I mean, I presume the girls get ready, the only shot of them is Francesca lurching out of her duvet looking like she wants to level Luisa with a 2 x 4) it’s time to leave Apprentice Mansions and go down the pub.
Yes, Alex is already wearing that outfit and no, Francesca can’t look directly at it. In Evolve Apprenticar B, Luisa squeaks that it’s such a shame that the “girlies” lost the last task, and Sophie says she really thinks the problem with their team last week was a “lack of thinking” (except from Uzma, of course) and they really should use this show as a “learning curve”. Rebecca,
recovered from her dishevellment at the hands of Luisa, and looking once more like a post-apocalyptic business-borg designed in 1972 for the movie Scanners, looks like she’s considering using Sophie as a learning curve, to ride her skateboard up and down on. COWABUNGA!
Meanwhile, in Endeavour Apprenticar A, Jason grins that they should just stick to the “tried and tested” method of him being PM and winning.
Imagine a thought so horrifying that it destroyed even Tim’s natural backwards ebulliance. And he wasn’t even on Jason’s sub-team last task.
The teams pull up to the pub
where they meet Lordalan. Then they all start beating Nick around the head with pool-cues to the rhythm of “Don’t Stop Me Now”, then Kaen yells at them to STOP IT, NICK’S NOT A ZOMBIE, HE JUST DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT ANY MORE, but it’s too late, because Nick is already dead. *sniff*
Lordalan tells them all that where they’re standing used to be part of the Bank Of England, which is very fitting (unlike any of the men’s suits) because their task today is all about making money from selling beer. Apparently beer is Britain’s favourite alcoholic drink, with yearly sales of £18,000,000,000.
But the teams aren’t going to create any NORMAL beer, oh no. They’re going to have to make a FLAVOURED beer. Or, as they’re more commonly known “why not just drink cider, what are you trying to prove?” beers. They will then sell this beer both to trade outlets and the general public, with whichever team makes the most profit winning.
Before they start though, some housekeeping. After Tim’s outburst in the boardroom about…whatever it was, Wigglepuppy or whatever, Lordalan has decided he should project manage Evolve, especially as his Business Plan revolves around a new type of drink. Uzma, Natalie, Luisa, Sophie and Francesca all go
“YAY! A PET!” in unision. Sigh. Tim is going to be parading around for them in a onesie and a pink ribbon before the first 15 minutes are over, I can just tell. He wiggles over, then snuggles in at the back, less Project Manager than
gay best friend at 6th Form Prom. Meanwhile, Kurt is made PM for Endeavour, because he is in the drinks industry.
In case you didn’t know what flavoured beer looks like
Helpful Voiceover Man is here to show you, as well as tell you that flavoured beers “turn hops into hard cash”. Wow, I never knew that, THANKS HELPFUL VOICEOVER MAN! You continue to be an inspiration.
Both teams retreat upstairs at the pub to brainstorm, with PM kurt suggesting a “chilli and caramel” idea to his team, who all nod along happily. Particularly Myles. Kurt then interviews that
he’s glad he got to be Project Manager, because he works in the drinks industry. Of course, it being Kurt, it’s the health drinks industry but hey, not all of the competent candidates can be interesting. Let’s take it one step at a time. Back in the room, Alex sonorously booms “GENTLEMEN!” (like he’s about to add “…to evil!” on the end and call a toast) and tells them all that he thinks the idea of a chilli flavoured drink is too scary for most people to handle.
And yet still he turned up to this show with that face, having deliberately made himself look like a fire-damaged Fireman Sam character. Neil then suggests a “chocolate orange” flavour, before Jordan pipes up in favour of “nettle flavoured beer” with the following pitch :
“I think it’s adventurous, I think it’s daring, I think it’s exciting, I think it’s unusual! When you see it on a lebel you’ll be like “Ooooooooooooh, maybe I should try this! Is it going to sting my mouth?” ”
My number one concern with beverages is finding one that actually hurts to drink it yes. The slogan could be “NETTLES! NATURE’S “I DARE YOU!” “. Nick meanwhile is so bored now that he’s
actually ignoring the conversation entirely in favour of flobbing over the side onto Kaen’s hair then telling her there must be a leak.
Tim : OH HAI I’M TIM! ALL THE BOYS ON THE BOYS TEAM ALWAYS WERE TOO SHOUTY WHEN THEY DID BRAINSTORMINGS SO I THINK WE SHOULD ALL BE BE NICE AND SHARE! LET’S SELL BOOZE TO GIRLS BECAUSE YOU ARE ALL GIRLS AND I THINK GIRLS ARE THE BESTEST! LET’S MAKE IT HEALTHY BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT GIRLS LIKE!
Francesca : No, let’s do champagne flavour!
Sophie : No, let’s do something revolving around “the new berries” like Akai Berry or Cran Berries or Pomegranate Berries!
Rebecca : No, let’s do rhubarb and pepper!
Luisa : OMG BECKY REBECKY, DON’T BE A TARD, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE MASS MARKET! Not, like NORTHERN market and shet!
Uzma : Massmarket is men!
Rebecca : I really think we should be targeting men, and not at all because all women hate me.
Tim : OK I HAVE CHANGED MY MINDSES AND NOW WE WILL BE DOINGS MENS DRINKS!
Natalie : Blah blah blah blah
Everyone : Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Luisa : *splays self on pub’s karaoke machine singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”*
Leah : *zoik*
Not this shit again *applies sparkly lipchap*
OH HAI, I’M TIM! I WENT ON HOLIDAY TO MEXICO ONCE AND I LEARNED ALL ABOUT THE CULTURES! AT LEAST MUMMY SAID IT WAS MEXICO BUT DADDY SAID SHE JUST MADE ME OLD EL PASO AND WORE A SOMBRERO AND TOLD ME IT WAS MEXICO BUT MUMMY SAYS DADDY IS A LYAR AND DOESN’T EVEN PAY HIS MAINTINNINGS! I LIKE BEING EVERYONE’S FRIEND AND HUGGING GIRLS WHEN THEY CRY AND TELLING THEM NOT TO WORRY! WHEN I GROW UP I WANT TO BE A TIGGER AND MARRY A PRINCESS!
Back on Endeavour, Kurt is divvying up the sub-teams for the day. One team will be doing market research, branding and design (ie, all the important stuff) and the other sub-team is going to be sent down a dark hole to make beer all day.
HMM, I WONDER WHO THAT WILL BE! The two of them will be joined by Zeeshaan and Jordan. Zeeshaan pipes up that he doesn’t think he should be on the manufacturing team, because he doesn’t drink beer. Kurt then points out that it makes more sense for someone who doesn’t drink beer to be the one using pipettes and rolling barrels around, rather than actually deciding what the beer should taste like. Jason then grizzles that he doesn’t drink beer either, before Zeeshaan starts yelling again that his skills are in marketing and design and Kurt isn’t utilising him properly and Kurt will be held responsible for his failure in the boardroom later BLAH BLAH BLAH. Zeeshaan’s capacity for starting fights for no other reason than his ego is truly something.
Brilliantly, Kurt interrupts this rant mid-stream to tell Jordan that he’s being made Subteam leader. Tee hee.
As if to prove his prowess as a marketing expert, Zeeshaan then whines in interview that
“Kautious Kurt has taken some Dangerous Decisions”. Way to make that alliterative nickname stick by immediately pairing it conceptually with an antonym. Are you criticising him for being too cautious or too risky?
Anyway, Zeeshaan, Jordan, Alex and Jason are all dispatched off to the Midlands to make beer, whilst Kurt, Myles and Neil hang out in London all day. On the way, Jordan peevishly sighs that he thinks Kurt divided the team before he even knew what everyone’s strengths and weaknesses were.
Odd how it’s always the team-member that’s being sent off to a dungeon in Wolverhampton to make cheap bitter with a Welsh vampire, a guy who dresses up as Napoleon on the weekends and…well Jason, who think that the skill sets haven’t been appropriately designated. Jason meanwhile flaps about saying that you don’t put cooks in kitchens when they can’t handle the ingredients.
There is nothing I hope for more than that Jason gets rat-arsed on this task.
Meanwhile, back on Evolve, Tim has similarly sub-divided his team. He, Rebecca, Francesca and Natalie are off to make the beer, whilst Uzma, Luisa, Leah and Sophie are off to do branding and market research. In the car on the way to the Midlands, Tim, Francesca and Rebecca discuss where their main sales pitch should be tomorrow. Francesca suggests the “Real Food Festival” because they won’t have as much competition from other vendors, but then Rebecca shuts her down with a “no no no no no” and says they need to go to a beer festival, because that’s where people go to enjoy beer. She then jabs her finger at the dossier
right at pictures of Morris men and sad looking marquees. Turns out mass market is Morris Men. Tim rings up the subteam (apparently helmed by Uzma) to let them know his decision.
Midday now, and both teams have arrived at Banks Brewery, in exotic Wolverhampton.
Mmmmm, brown. For Endeavour, Jordan and Alex drink several samples of beer, and comment away like Jilly Goolden, like they’re about to have any say in the decision-making at all. Jordan describes one variety as “malty winey” (mon) whilst Alex whimpers that it’s a bit too strong for him.
I’m praying that when he takes his science goggles off that those eyebrows follow right after. SCHLOMP. Of course, whilst they chat away amongst themselves, back in London
Kurt has already decided on a product (Chocolate Orange bitter), a brand name (“A Bitter This”) and a bottle label, with no input from them whatsoever. He rings up the subteam and lets them know his decisions :
Kurt : OK guys, we’re doing a chocolate orange beer, called “A Bitter This”, so we need you to get all the ingredients sorted.
Jordan : We haven’t really had enough time for tasting yet! Can you give me, say, three more hours to drink beer, then I’ll come up with a decision. Make it four if Jason starts going on about the Iliad again.
Kurt : Well it needs to have a bitter base, because it’s called “A Bitter This”
Jordan : I’ve tried the bitter, and it tastes yicky. I’d much prefer it to be a stout.
Kurt : But it’s called “A BITTER THIS!” THAT’S GENIUS! IT HAS TO HAVE A BITTER BASE!
Alex : WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH, THAT’S STUPID! WHY CAN’T WE DO STOUT? I WANNA DO STOUT! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A SAY IN THINGS!
Kurt : Lol no. Your team gets no say. The clue was that it has Jason on it. NOW MAKE MY BEER, BITCHES! *whip crack*
Over on Evolve meanwhile, the opposite is happening, in that Tim, Natalie, Francesca and Rebecca are just making up the flavours as they go along
using a Travelodge buffet for inspiration. Francesca grimly asks if anybody did chemistry at school, and everyone shrugs that they were TOO BUSY SELLING, or whatever. Cue lots of playing around with essences and dilutions and funnels
(bless), with Rebecca doing her best to fill the patronising vacuum left by the departure of Jaz (“now class, this is very very bitter, so we need something SWEET to balance it out”), until they finally reach a decision on a flavour of “rhubarb and caramel”.
They relay this decision back to Uzma and her subteam, which immediately sets Uzma off on a train of thought. She wants to call their brand “Rhubarb Melt” or something revolving around luxury, because caramel IS a luxury product, containing as it does the expensive ingredients of sugar and heat. Whilst Dr Leah keeps Sophie busy in the corner with some colouring in, Uzma gets on with setting the bottle label out, and we join her mid-discussion with the team’s graphic designer about what colours they should use. At this, Luisa indulges in the most flagrant act of Graphic Designer abuse in the show’s history as she firstly snatches the notebook off him mid-discussion, then
glares at him, yips “EXCUSE ME, sorry to interrupt, but I think you should really get the label finished before you start going on about “10% black”s or WHATEVER, oh my GOD, it’s so BOWREN”. Uzma calls her “Lou” and tells her to get back to drawing her banner, and let her get on with being the team’s sub-team leader. I honestly cannot remember a more immature bunch of women ever on this programme. Happily, the graphic designer is happy to stoop to their level, as Uzma has to interrupt him openly staring at Luisa’s cleavage
to get him back onto making the label. Is this Graphic Design or a GCSE Art class?
Uzma interviews that she doesn’t like it when people act like rude bitches, especially when she’s trying to be creative, which is her forte.
More and more I wonder if Uzma isn’t an entrepreneur in the cosmetics industry, so much as an entrepreneur made entirely out of cosmetics. Like how Bertie Bassett coincidentally both owned a sweets company and was made entirely out of licorice. Cut Uzma, and she bleeds lip-liner. Cut to their finalised label
and Luisa whining “I DON’T LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE IT”. Uzma shuts her down by snapping “who’s the sub-leader?!” (*so threatening, so commanding*) and Luisa snots back “WELL LEAD THEN!”
Meanwhile, Dr Leah uses her medical training to extract a Cerulean Blue crayon from Sophie’s left nostril.
Back on Endeavour, it is revealed that the origin of the “A Bitter This” name was, surprise surprise, Neil, which serves solely as a springboard for him to roll around in his own ego a lot.
“I done the flavour, I done the name, I done everything, I am great”. Direct quote there. He closes by saying that “behind every good Project Manager, there’s a Neil Clough”.
In their beer-basement meanwhile, Alex, Jordan and Zeeshaan are nimbly working out the maths required to mix the quantities of flavourings, water and stale stale hops needed to make their beer come to life. Jason meanwhile, leans in a doorway.
Has anyone ever been so quickly and ruthlessly Friendzoned by this show? Nobody’s going to let him do anything ever again are they? Zeeshaan crows smugly about his amazing basic maths skills, which I’d find more irksome if Team Evolve
weren’t currently brewing up kegs of poisonous bubble-piss because none of them can add up. Francesca and Rebecca in particular keeps on pulling faces right out of a sexist 1950s “WOMEN! KNOW YOUR LIMITS! IF WE ALLOW FEMINIST HAG BEASTS AND THEIR HOMOSEXUAL FRIENDS TO DO SCIENCE, SOCIETY WILL COLLAPSE!” Public Information Film.
In the end, the team have to pour 90 litres of toxic urinal backwash booze down the drain because it’s unsafe for human consumption. I’m only sad that Kate Walsh isn’t there to give this maths mix-up the face it deserves.
Kaen interviews that
Evolve have wasted £100 worth of booze. She is LIVID. *begins licking beer off the floor*
OH HAI I’M TIM, WE JUST MADE A MESS ON THE FLOOR OOPS! I DIDN’T DO GOOD AT THE MATHS BECAUSE MY FAVOURITE SUBJECT IS PE AND DRAMA AND HISTORY BECAUSE I LIKE RUNNIN ROUND AND DRESSIN UPS. I HAD SOME BEER AND NOW I FEEL ALL FUNNY GOODNIGHT!
Next morning now and an 8am start in North London, where both teams are sampling their beers.
Myles likee. Neil jigs everyone up with a sales talk, telling them all to hype up how their bottles are collectors items, wherein you can “buy one and take it away”. Exciting. Meanwhile, the Evolve ladies have to
coo over a banner, because they are going to be doling out the beer in pipettes, that’s how little stock they actually produced.
Next comes on the process of organising the subteams for the day. Half of each team will be selling to trade, and half will be selling to the public.
OH HAI, I’M TIM! YOU FOUR GO OVER THERE AND THEN FRANCESCA YOU GO OVER THERE AND THEN LOU YOU GO OVER THERE AND THEN YOU TWO COME OVER HERE AND THEN KAEN YOU GO OVER THERE AND NATALIE YOU GO WITH TIM AND TIM THEN YOU COME BACK OVER HERE AND THEN YOU SIX GO OVER THERE AND THEN YOU DO TRADE AND WE DO PUBLIC YES?
It then turns out he didn’t manage to select a sub-team leader in the middle of that mess. Oh Tim. On the way to their pitches, he rings the subteam and (after consultation with Luisa, mid phone-conversation, which culminates in Luisa flapping a limp wrist and huffing “oh just let Rebecca do it!”) elects Rebecca to lead the subteam of herself, Uzma, Sophie and Dr Leah.
Uzma is so pissed off she turns her natural skin colour. Almost.
Over on Endeavour, however, Jordan gets a promotion out of Team Creepy Losers to Team Creepy Winners, as he gets to come sell to the public with Kurt and his mates, whilst Alex, Zeeshaan and Jason go do trade sales. After they leave, Myles snorts that they should give the trade team one empty bottle of their product, to “show it off”, and Neil scurries off at his behest to deliver it.
Jason : “Well, I think this bottle has turned out rather well. I think when we’re doing sales tha…
Zeeshaan : “Let me clarify something, you’re not doing sales, ever. Now shut up and read the Yellow Pages out to me”
Jason : “Are you overruling me?”
Zeeshaan & Alex : “HA HA HA! “OVERRULED”! LAH DEE DAH! THE KING HAS COME DOWN FROM HIS THRONE! OOOOOH! HE’S OVERRULED ME! OOOOOOOOOOOH!”
Jason : “I jus…”
Alex : “BE QUIET, YOU SILLY LITTLE SHIT!”
*thinks about What Odysseus Would Do*
As if this display of one-up-penis ship isn’t enough, we then cut immediately to Jordan being made aware of his place on Team Cool, when he tries to tap a keg, sprays himself with beer all over, and then Myles, Kurt and Neil all stand around pointing and laughing at him.
They’re at the St Albans beer festival, surrounded by people playing the banjo behind their head and wearing Tigger hats and…*shudders*. Kurt sets out the pricing – £4 for a pint, £2.60 for a half, and £4 for a bottle. He tells Neil that, looking around, he can see a few people selling cheaper though, so he might cut prices later. Nick interviews that this strategy is a big risk, but it appears to be paying off, with Myles and Kurt in particular selling well.
At this point, the public sales team for Evolve pull up at their chosen pitch, the “Kent Beer Festival”. In Putney. Luisa already
looks like she’s found her people.
Next up, we see Rebecca close a deal for “Tim’s Trade Team” in a specialist pub to sell four kegs of beer for £316. It’s mostly notable for the guy they’re selling to being really happy that the beer they’re selling makes his tongue dry up and then curl up like a dying slug. Oh beer afficionados. Also for Rebecca wafting her hand in Uzma’s face when she tries to jump in to the sale, and then Uzma interviewing that Rebecca makes her SO ANGRY.
But, you know, good sale and that. We then get the following edifying spectacle in the car on the way to their next pitch.
Rebecca : “So the place is the…Everyman Cinema, and that’s in…”
Man On Phone : “Hammersmith”
Rebecca : “Hammersmith, cool, ok, see you there”
Uzma : “Rebecca, don’t ask them where their place is, because it makes it looks like we don’t know, and we do”
Rebecca : “UZMA! OH MY GOD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO UNDERMINE ME ALLLL THE TIIIIIME?”
Uzma : “I’m not!”
Rebecca : “WHY ARE YOU BEING SO PROVOCATIVE?”
Uzma : “All I’m saying is that we kno…”
Rebecca : “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO UNDERMINE ME AT EVERY POSSIBLE OPPORTUNITY?!”
Uzma : “I’m not underminding you, you’re just getting offended for the wrong reasons!!!”
Dr Leah : *zoi*
I don’t know where this death feud between Rebecca and Uzma has come from. I’m guessing Luisa’s involved somewhere.
Meanwhile, the Endeavour trade subteam are rocking up to the same pub that Rebecca just left, and are trying to sell their beer…having neglected to bring a sample along with them. This is only marginally more cringy than Jason trying to sell the “A Bitter This” pun-name, in the voice of a Disney villain’s effete sidekick. Alex does offer the publican the chance to sniff his empty beer bottle, to experience what might have been.
Oh very dear.
Alex rings Kurt to ask him to send them an actual sample, not just an empty bottle. He tries to make out that he DEFINITELY asked Kurt for a proper sample, DEFINITELY. Well…him or Myles. He doesn’t really recall. Don’t ask Myles about it, he’d probably just lie. Kurt rolls his eyes and tells Myles to get 6 sample bottles sent off to the trade team. This is what happens what you put all your smegs in one basket I’m afraid Kurt.
OH HAI, I’M TIM! I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW ME BUT I AM A BUSINESSMAN ON THE TELEVISIONS! I WORK FOR A MAN CALLED ALAN AND I HAVE A SPECIAL NEW MAGIC BEER FOR YOU TO DRINK WITH RHUBABARBS AND RICHES IN IT! IT’S CALLED RHUBABARBS AND RICHES! IT IS AMAZING! NO DON’T BOO MY BEERS AND MY RHUBABARBS! IT TASTES NICE! IT MADE ME FEEL ALL FUNNY AND HAPPY AND EVEN FRIENDLIERER! PLEASE BE MY FRIENDS!
Tim’s…ebulliance appears to drive some sales, somewhat. Plaudits for “Rhubarb & Riches” include “it’s alright, actually”, “lovely” and “well I’ve only gone blind in ONE eye”.
Back at the St Albans festival :
Jordan : “A lot of people have been telling me that the beer is too expensive, and that we’re selling at double the price of everyone else. I really think we should consider lowering the…
Random Drunk Lady : “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU GOING TO LOWER THE PRICE?! EXCELLLENTTTTTTT! *double thumbs up* *falls over*
Jordan : “You see!”
Myles interviews that the team are selling well, but not well enough, and that he thinks it might be time to move on to another venue. Kurt appears to be having the same thought, as he discusses with Neil the possibility of moving on to the South Bank festival, which apparently has 10,000 people there
literally over the top of Jordan’s head. Whilst Jordan is fiddling with a spigot by the looks of it. The tasks you have to do when you’re the bottom rung of the Team Cool totem pole. In the end, he and Neil decide together that they should wait an hour, then go to the South Bank.
Back to the trade team now, who have arrived at The Old Red Cow, which is where I used to drink after work, Monkseal Stalker Fact Fans. I’m only sorry I missed this mess.
Zeeshaan : “How much do you guys traditionally pay for this sort or beer? Per keg?
Old Red Cows : “For this sort of beer, we’d normally pay between £80 and £90”
Zeeshaan : “Ooooh, our price is just outside your range, CONVENIENTLY. We’re looking for people to pay £95 per keg, but if you buy two, we’ll let you have it £90, because bulk sales discounts automatically kick in at the level of “2 things”.
“I’ll sell it to you £75 each”
Zeeshaan : “WHAT? HOW THE? PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! *all but stuffs hand over Jason’s mouth* WE CANNOT SELL AT THAT PRICE!”
Alex : “YOU’RE NOT IN CHARGE OF FIGURES GEEK BOY, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
Old Red Cows : “I like his pricing better than yours LOL!”
Zeeshaan : “HA HA HA HA HA HA, YES HA HA HA HA OH JASON *shakes fist at Jason and kicks his shins under the table*
Old Red Cows : “So one keg for £75 it is then”
Alex : “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU DOZY PLEB?”
Zeeshaan : “I HAD A PRICE AGREED THERE, YOU BLOODY AMATEUR, AND THEN YOU JUMPED IN AND RUINED IT, JUST SO YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO, NOT THAT THIS IS PARTIALLY MY FAULT FOR MARGINALISING YOU SO CRASSLY AND OBVIOUSLY THAT I LEFT YOU WITH ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE! YOU’VE LOST US MONEY! ”
“Alex and Zee are the most INTOLERABLE, MORONIC people I have met in a long time!”
Back at the Kent Beer Festivl, in sunny Putney, Luisa says sadly that they’ve pretty much exhausted the 10 men and a dog in attendance, so she thinks it’s time to move on. She tells Tim she thinks it’s time to move on.
OH HAI, I’M TIM! I THINK IT’S TIME TO MOVE ON! LET’S GO TO A WINE BAR! THAT SOUNDS REALLY SOPHISTICATED! THIS BOOK SAYS THE PITCHER AND PIANO IS BY THE RIVER WHICH MEANS I CAN FEED THE DUCKIES! YAYYYYYYYYYYY! SOMETIMES I FEED THE DUCKS WITH MY DAD AND THAT’S WHEN HE DOESN’T CRY AS MUCH!
On the way to the Pitcher & Piano, Luisa mutters sadly, whilst she twists her hair, that it’s a shame that nobody thought to check that the “Kent Beer Festival” wasn’t just a bunch of farty old men in a pub with two hipsters sat in the corner laughing at them. I envy Tim so much that he’s such a gentle soul that this passive-aggression sails right over his head. He calls his sub-team to let them know how little they sold, and Rebecca so thoroughly patronises him I’m surprised she doesn’t try to reach down the phone to pat him on the head.
We return now to the Endeavour Trade sub-team, presumably as part of some sort of empirical experiment to try and prove that they could actually get worse :
Zeeshaan : So we met your colleagues at the Old Red Cow, and they were really nice guys, and they were such great negotiators *stabs Jason in the back of the hand with a Biro* that they got us down to £75 a keg. So I have no choice *stamps on Jason’s feet under the table* but to offer you the same price
Incidental Character Boyfriend Neil The Gastropub Manager : What about a pump clip? Do you have a pump clip? I need a pump clip. Can’t sell beer without a pump clip. You got a pump clip to give me? Otherwise I’m gonna have to send you away empty-handed mate.
Jason : A…pump clip? Yes…erm…a pump clip. I’m sure our Project Manager has a
Alex & Zeeshaan : SHUT UP JASON!
Zeeshaan : I can go and get you a…pump clip? Erm…it should be with you in an hour. Or I can lower the price and just hand it over to you now.
Jason : How about you buy three kegs and…
Alex & Zeeshaan : SHUT UP JASON!
Neil : Oh, whoops, turns out I don’t *need* a pump clip, but I will buy the keg at £70. TA!
Nick : This is embarrassing.
Alex & Zeeshaan :
SHUT UP JASON! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!
4pm now, and the public-facing Endeavour subteam are packing up and heading to the South Bank, which is 2 hours away, just as Tim’s subteam are rolling up at their wine bar. And… finding it not amenable to beer sales. Sophie and Luisa both totter around with trays containing little shot glasses of their fruity beer, finally fulfilling their destinies as promo girls, but nobody wants to buy. In desperation Luisa summons the subteam, headed by Rebecca wearing a fizzog that
Smug Cow (PBUH) herself would be proud of, and then begs them to take some of their stock and sell it to trade.
6pm now and it’s time for a patented Apprentice LAST MINUTE SALES RUSH!
ENDEAVOUR SET UP AT THE SOUTH BANK (coincidentally at the very same festival that Francesca suggested Evolve use as their main pitch earlier, just saying) AND START SELLING CHEAP! DR LEAH OFF-LOADS SOME OF HER BEER TO SOME HIPSTER BAR FOR £90 A KEG! ZEESHAAN ENDS UP SELLING KEGS OF HIS BEER FOR £65 SOMEHOW! LUISA ALL BUT STARTS DANCING ON TABLES HOSING HERSELF DOWN STRAIGHT FROM THE KEG WHILST SOPHIE SINGS “POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME!” FOR HER IN THE BACKGROUND! MYLES
FLINGS JORDAN AROUND IN THE AIR, THEN GIVES HIM A WEDGIE, THEN FLUSHES HIS HEAD DOWN THE LOO!
Everyone lined up outside, Lordalan’s secretary says, in a transparently put-on gruff voice that I hope all her friends take the piss out of, “you can go into the boardroom now”. I miss the old days of Cousin It and Giant Cousin It. You can tell those stupid voices were all natural. This one feels about 5 seconds away from going “CANDIDATES…I AM YOUR FATHER!” and falling off her chair giggling.
Anyway, the candidates enter, Lordalan finishes using Rhubarb & Riches to descour his kettle, yadda yadda yadda,
We start with Endeavour, and Lordalan telling Alex off for slouching. It was better when he did it to Dan. Lordalan asks who designed the label and came up with the name, and Neil’s of course all
“ME! ME! MARVELLOUS ME!”, and then Lordalan sneers at him for being the sort of cock-end who thinks “A Bitter This” is funny. Of course Lordalan is on SUCH solid ground coming for people over their use of sub-par puns. SUCH solid, solid ground.
Lordalan then runs quickly through Kurt’s Day 1 sub-team selection, as Jordan reveals that he too does not drink an awful lot of beer. Lordalan huffs and puffs that this process is all about putting people where they say they’re most skilled (so it’s funniest when they utterly fail at it), so why send a teetotaller, a Muslim, and a beer-wuss to a brewery? Kurt doesn’t reply “because drinking beer had as much to do with what that subteam was tasked to do as knife-juggling on a unicycle”, which is the answer. I’m starting to think Kurt has problems saying things if Neil doesn’t say them first.
We then move on to Day 2, and the rolling trainwreck that was the Endeavour Trade Sales team. Lordalan asks why the team went out to try to sell to trade without any samples, and then Kurt decides to shove Alex into a grave for pretty much no reason whatsoever, bringing up his shifty behaviour over trying to claim that Kurt had expressly forbidden him from taking a sample….or, you know, it could have been Myles. They do look and sound very similar. Alex then tries to say that he’s no very certain that it was Kurt and Kurt pulls
“YOU’RE A LIAR!” face right at him. Kurt’s a handsome man, but he needs to not pull faces that require his eyes to open to the same degree, because they just won’t.
Next we cover the team’s pricing strategy, and it’s about as fascinating as conversations about pricing strategy always are. Lordalan snorfles away that it’s funny to him that the team sold expensive outside London and cheap inside London, when normally it’s the other way around, ho ho. Neil points out that they did what they had to do, which was to cut the price at the end of the day to shift as much of the remaining stock as they could. Fun pricing discussion related times were had by all.
We then move on to a much more fruitful topic in terms of comedy pictures, which is Lordalan asking Zeeshaan and Alex if Jason acted like a great big ruddy annoying useless pillock all day, and Zeeshaan and Alex confirming that Jason acted like a great big ruddy annoying useless pillock all day. And even worse, he cost them money by repeatedly butting into negotiations to lower the asking price for no reason whatsoever. Jason rankles, says that this is an inaccurate rendition of events, that Alex disgraced Lordalan by SWEARING
and using “plain deception” all day. Lordalan snorts that Jason sounds like he’s from the Office Of Fair Trading (UGH! FAIRNESS!) and so long as Alex wasn’t swearing at customers, he doesn’t care about his use of foul language. Just TRY and take him to an industrial tribunal over workplace bulling. JUST TRY IT.
Speaking of tribunals, let’s flit over to Velocity, and deal with Stell…I mean Francesca’s poor maths skills. Lordalan demands to know who the team’s “mathematician” was, and Tim tells Lordalan that she was doing the sums when the horrible beer factory pile up occured. Francesca protests
“I’ve got GCSE Maths, but I’m not a mathematician”. I think that’s the rejected original chorus from “All These Things That I’ve Done”. Lordalan drones that it wasn’t exactly high level maths that she screwed up, and Francesca says that she holds her hands up to have made mistakes, not that this stops Kaen from huffing and puffing that she’s never seen anything like it in all of her history on The Apprentice.
Maybe she didn’t watch that series?
We then run through the situation on day 2 (the debacle of the “Kent Beer Festival”, the debacle of the wine bar, the debacle of Rebecca’s “Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman Goes Horseriding” lacy blouse and johdpurs combination) before we get a “good team leader?” regarding Tim. Everyone nods along that Tim was great because
let’s face it, who could be mean to that face?
Evolve spent £649, Team Rebecca took £492 and Team Tim took £556 for a total profit of £399
Endeavour spent £601, Team Alex took £285 and Team Kurt took £1148 for a total profit of £832
ENDEAVOUR WINS YET AGAIN!
Poor Tim. He had such a lovely day as well. Lordalan tells the winning team that, as a treat, they’re going to go to Belgium. All the boys look well impressed
other than Myles, who lives in Monaco, so him going to Belgium for a reward is a bit like the candidates who live in London being told they’re going for a reward in exotic exciting Stoke. They go off to fist-pump their way to Bruges, whilst Lordalan sighs at Evolve that he’s very disappointed that they’ve not EVOLVED into winners.
I’m not sure whose face I’m more amused by there – Natalie’s or Rebecca’s. They’re sent off to Loser Cafe to think about what they’ve done.
MMM, LOVELY BELGIUM! I’m honestly not sure there has ever been a more bizarrely dressed group of candidates all gathered in one place, not even on the tasks where people had to dress up in fancy dress.
The men of Endeavour wander around for all of about 5 seconds before Neil announces “FUCK SIGHTSEEING, LET’S ALL GET PISSED! WORRRRGH! LADS ON TOUR!”. Or something of that ilk. Everyone sits around in a pub joking about “A Bitter This”. I’m not sure if the rewards are lame this year, or just the candidates reactions to them. Why isn’t anyone skulking in a corner bitching about everyone else? Why isn’t someone awkwardly honking at Tom Aiken, or not knowing what a caricature is? Phoo.
Loser Cafe now and on in the way in,
Francesca, Natalie and Sophie ALL have to adjust their skirts getting out of The Apprenticars to avoid flashing a bit o minge to the camera. I don’t want to be one of those people who complain about how the women on this show aren’t dressed appropriately for business, but this is becoming endemic.
Inside, Uzma demands to know who was responsible for selecting the Kent Beer Festival to sell at
OH HAI, I’M TIM! REBECCA CHOSE THE KENT BEER FESTIVUL BUT SHE’S STILL MY FREND AND YOU CAN’T BE MEAN TO HER EVEN THOUGH IT IS HER FOLT BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE HER BURTHDAY OR SOMETHING! I READ A BOOK WONCE WHERE SOMEONE WAS MEAN TO A BOY ON HIS BIRTHDAY AND THEN THEY DIDN’T KNOW AND THEN THE BOY CRIED AND DADDY SAID SORRY HE’D FORGOTTEN AND BOUGHT TIM A BIG ICE CREAM TO SAY SORRY.
Rebecca mutters that Tim also wanted to go to the Kent Beer Festival, and then Uzma, Natalie and Luisa all DOG-PILE Rebecca for trying to scapegoat Tim, whilst Tim does doe-eyes in the corner and twists his lip and hugs his binkie and pushes the woobie factor up to 11. Outside Rebecca interviews, all Survivor like
that clearly there is an alliance that has been created solely to spite her and get her out the game. Really what I think has happened is that trying to blame-shift onto Tim has kicked in the maternal instincts of about 4 women who already didn’t like Rebecca, because she’s a bit of a patronising oblivious sales bot (MY FAVOURITE FLAVOUR!). Basically what Rebecca has done here has been to do the Apprentice equivalent of wandering onto the middle of Digital Spy in the middle of the last series of Strictly Come Dancing, and saying something mildly negative about Louis Smith. I’m surprised Luisa didn’t start screaming about how Tim PROBABLY HAS ASPERGERS, LEAVE HIM ALONE!
Uzma is thinking about how Frasier really went downhill after Niles & Daphne got together.
Candidates are ushered in and
I dunno Natalie, you might want to not make what your Boardroom tactics are going to be so obvious from the second you step into the room. There’s a benefit in having a poker face.
First we cover the maths disaster in the factory, or we do for all of about 5 seconds, as Francesca just says she has no manufacturing experience, before Tim leaps in all
OH HAI I’M TIM, I WANT EVERYONE TO BE MY FRIEND SO I’M NOT REALLY GONNA DO THIS BOARDROOM BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT BEING MEEN AND I DON’T LIKE BEING MEEN BECAUSE IT MAKES PEEPUL SAD SO I’M JUST GONNA SIT HERE AND IF YOU ASK ME A QUESTION I’M JUST GONNA JAM MY FINGUHS IN MY EARS AND GO LAH LAH LAH LAH EVERYONE IS NICE AND GOOD UNTIL YOU STOP OK?
Clearly affronted at this decency and generosity, Lordalan then yells at all the women that they are dumb dummies with dumb faces who are dumb, in the hope of prodding them into having a catfight to fill in the rest of the 12 minutes of this boardroom before he fires Tim for…being Tim, just as Jaz was fired for being Jaz last week, and Jason is going to be fired for being Jason in about…four weeks time maybe? I have faith that my boy can dodge losing, despite having no social skills, business skills or life skills at anything beyond picking out neat jim-jams. Do it Jason! Do it to REALLY HACK ZEESHAAN OFF.
Anyway, Uzma is the one to take the bait first, saying that she thinks they lost because of location (which they did), specifically going to the Kent Beer Festival. We then get a frankly hilarious scene of first Sophie, then Natalie, then Luisa all try to prod Tim into blaming Rebecca, all “who made the decision Tim? *hint hint* *GLARE AT REBECCA*” and then Tim says that he made the decision (because he did) and then Sophie, Natalie and Luisa all collectively realise that they’ve been far too subtle here (LOL) and then start chiming “yes, but who SUGGESTED IT Tim? Who SUGGESTED IT? *mouths RUH-BEH-CUH*”.
Tim finally catches the snap and says Rebecca suggested it (which she did, and it’s had to be dragged out of him like the Mary Rose off the Thames bed), and then of course Rebecca leaps at TIM of all people,
jabbing her finger in his face yelling “YOU’RE HAVING A LAUGH TIM! ALL I DID WAS POINT AT IT, I’M NOT TAKING SOLE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS!”. Luisa and Natalie then both simper that Tim is far too nice a guy to ever blame Rebecca, because he just wants to be everyone’s friend, and then Rebecca starts full on flailing around at Uzma, who to this point has been entirely quiet, yelling that THIS IS ALL PART OF UZMA’S QUEST TO UNDERMINE HER AND IT HAS BEEN PERSONAL BETWEEN THEM SINCE DAY 1 (about 5 minutes ago).
Basically Rebecca at this point is fully committed to looking as deranged as possible, given that thus far in this boardroom it’s been Luisa, Natalie and Sophie out to make her look bad, and yet the two people she’s rugby-tackled have been Uzma and Tim. Lordalan looks at her like he’s fitting her up for a tin-foil hat in his head. And then of course
Rebecca vaguely wafts her finger at Uzma vaguely, and of course this is a sin on par with spitting on Uzma’s mother under whatever set of business rules she’s operating under, so she says that if anybody’s disrespectful and undermining it’s Rebecca because she POINTS HER FINGER AT PEOPLE!
Lordalan, at this point clearly sorry that he’s got what he wished for, shakes his head and says he doesn’t understand all this LADY DRAMA, so gets Kaen to sort it out, like the harassed head of a Diversity In The Workplace seminar.
Kaen : *sigh* so what seems to be the problem ladies?
Uzma : What problem? I don’t have any problem! There’s no problem!
Rebecca : Uzma has a problem with me Kaen! She’s rude, disrespectful and just plain mean to me!
Uzma : OMG that’s so unfair, and I think everyone will back me up on that Kaen!
Dr Leah : I back Uzma up on that Kaen (mostly because I exist in a state of constant despair at the behaviour of everyone on this programme and would quite like this discussion to stop now)
Luisa : Yeah, that’s totally not fair Rebecca! (*blow job face*)
Rebecca *yelling at DR LEAH, WELL DONE REBECCA, YOU COULD NOT BE HANDLING THIS WORSE* : YOU’RE ALL IN CAHOOTS! YOU’RE ALL IN CAHOOTS AGAINST ME!
Luisa : Oh my god Rebecca! You chose the location, take some responsibility!
Francesca : *tries to tell everyone to stop it, with all the force of a lollipop lady facing a Sherman tank*
Lordalan : I have never seen such a BLAHDDY MESS EVER IN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS EVER
[*insert Laura Moore walking away crying picture here*]
Lordalan : RARRGH RARRGH PISS UP IN A BREWERY RARRGH!
Time now for Tim to decide who will be joining him in the final boardroom. He chooses Francesca and Rebecca. Lordalan tells Rebecca that she needs to adjust whatever meds she’s taking for her period problems BLAHDDY WOMMUN. As if to complete her descent into madness, as Rebecca leaves the boardroom to wait in the atrium, she stares daggers at Francesca. So if you’re keep score, Rebecca has gone full-bore for every single person who treated her fairly in that boardroom, and none of the people who shanked her. This only consolidates her as my favourite female contestant this year.
She then has a bit of an Evita cry,
propelling her beyond her status as this series’ favourite, and into the all-time Hall Of Fame. And we’re only two episodes in!
Anyway, candidates go out, Kaen talks some more shit about “strong women in business” like you knew she was going to, candidates come back in again.
Once the candidates have returned, Lordalan with his customary empathy and nuance at rooting out the most hidden of emotions, notices that
Rebecca has scrubbed half her make-up off, and he knows that Ladyalan only does that when she’s been crying over him forgetting their anniversary/her birthday/her existence entirely, so he “there there”s her over how upset she clearly got. I like to think she was in the bathroom, pounding her fists against the mirror, scream-crying “DAMN YOU JORDAN, I KNOW THIS IS ALL YOUR DOING!”. The sympathy lasts all of 5 seconds before Lordalan tells her to pull herself together because “that’s just the bitchiness of life”. What a philosopher.
Rebecca then gives a very sad little speech, sotto voce, about how all she’s ever wanted to do is bring out the best in herself and others, and she’d really like the opportunity to present her business plan to Lordalan, if he’ll allow her. I am left with no option but to hope she rolls over Sophie, Natalie, Uzma and then Luisa, in that order, because let’s face it, Luisa is pretty fun to laugh at some times.
Lordalan next asks Tim if he was really a Project Manager, or if in fact he just let the girls on his team make all the decisions.
LAH LAH LAH LAH WE WERE A TEAM AND EVERYONE IS NICE I THINK BOYS SHOULD BE NICE TO GIRLS AND LET THEM HAVE THEIR WAY AND NOT BE MEAN LAH LAH LAH MAKE THE BAD MAN GO AWAY!
Next, Francesca is chided for her lack of maths skills. Lordalan then, not 10 seconds later, says that Rebecca sold more than every single other person on this task put together. Sometimes he just makes a rod for his own doesn’t he? Rebecca is asked who should be fired, and she says Tim, and that she thinks that it’s unfair for Tim to blame her for the location problems, as he was Project Manager. Francesca then says she agrees with Rebecca – it’s unfair of Tim to blame her, and that Tim should be fired.
OH HAI, I’M TIM AND THIS IS UNFAIR BECAUSE I AM ONLY 3 AND I THINK I AM ENTHUSIASTIC AND CAN DO LOTS OF THINGS LIKE SKIPPING AND PULLING FUNNY FACES! PLEASE LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND FOR LONGER LORDALAN, I THINK I CAN BE A GOOD FRIEND!
OH BAI, I’M TIM!
Rebecca gets fire-teased for having lady emotions and stuff, but in the end, Tim is fired for sucking at his day job or at least what he was saying his day job was going to be. And, let’s face it, on some level, for refusing to play the game.
Leaving the Boardroom
Francesca and Rebecca hold hands in female solidarity. I could not be more excited by this development. I hope they form an unstoppable power-duo of sales and entertainment entreprenuership.
In the Cab Of Shame
WHEEEE, I’M IN A TAXI!
Back at Apprentice Mansions, Uzma and Luisa are sat around crowing about how Rebecca looked really stupid in the boardroom and is clearly going to be fired because of the location problems, until Dr Leah
tells them all to knock it off, because she is so tired of this bullshit. Then the survivors walk in and
Alex lurches around like he is actually rearing up out of his crypt in order to greet them.
LOOK OUT REBECCA!
Rebecca assures everyone that she’s fine, and then Francesca gallantly says that it was really between her and Tim for the firing, and in the end Tim just made too many mistakes. Neil then snorfles loudly about how there were TOO MANY GUYS IN THE SHOWER IN THE MORNING ANYWAY and that’s not an image I really needed at this point in the show so…until next week.
Next week :
The Uzma Fashion parade continues.