The Apprentice 9 – Week 2 Summary

Time in Week 2 for the candidates to enter the food preparation industry. This always ends well. By which I mean “with actual human deaths”. This year’s consumable of choice is beer. Flavoured beer. Something other than the usual flavour of beer, which is “stale, rotten yeast”.

But first we get a patented Apprentice team shuffle, in which Tim is parachuted in to try to save the flailing, bitchy, high-school women’s team. You know, like Stella English in reverse. To say Tim Stillwell is no Stella English would be quite some understatement. Not even in reverse.

But first but first, we get our obligatory “let’s all perve on the male candidates in their morningwear” segment. It feels about as gratuitous as it always does. Points of notes include Myles being actually naked, Neil having the arm-tattoos to match his neckbeard, and Jason wearing pristine jim-jams straight out of boarding school. I do feel sorry for the show’s straight male and lesbian female and bisexual both viewers, who just get Luisa running round the house squirping like she’s left her love eggs in. Maybe if you shut your eyes…

Endeavour spend the week labouring under the yoke of Kurt, who speaks for the very first time this episode. It still doesn’t make him any more interesting. Apparently he has expertise in the drinks industry, and yet the team somehow do not lose. Not even after Jordan suggests a Nettle Beer, on the grounds that it is “dangerous and edgy”, and they almost go with it. Happily, this idea is nixed at the last minute in favour of a chocolate orange flavoured variety, suggested be Neil, called…(*sigh*) “A Bitter This”. Kurt then sends Zeeshaan (a teetotaller) and Jason (a Jason) off to the beer factory to make all the beer. And yet the team somehow do not lose. Then, the next day, Kurt creates the subteam of Alex, Zeeshaan and Jason, and sends them out to sell to trade without any samples. Not that it matters, because Jason is more focused on wrecking sales, and Alex and Zeeshaan more focused on bullying Jason for wrecking sales (and being a Jason) than actually selling. And yet the team somehow do not lose.

The reasons they do not lose mostly lie with Evolve failing harder. With Tim for taking the Project Management approach of…not Project Managing, at all. With Rebecca for choosing and pushing hard for the prime sales location of “some pub in rural Kent”. And with Francesca for getting the sums required to produce their beer so wrong, that it is actually technically speaking classified as a weapon of mass destruction mid-episode and destroyed with a controlled explosion. So those are the three going into the Boardroom, to try and defend their “rhubarb and caramel” beer, that makes mens tongues dry up like withered slugs (WHY GOD WHY?). In the run-up, Natalie, Luisa and Uzma form some sort of unholy Burgess Meredith trio to Tim’s Rocky, trying to coach him to knock Rebecca out and get her fired. Sadly it turns out that this is unviable, as Rebecca turns out to have been the best salesperson on the whole damned show, two episodes in a row, and Tim’s not really built for bar-room brawls anyway, so he’s the show’s second firing. Awww.

Also Alex and Jason run around Belgium dressed like Death In Venice and Dr Who respectively. It has to be seen to be believed.

Next Week : Jason calls Jordan fat.

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19 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – Week 2 Summary

  1. Ferny

    I ❤ Jason and Alex in Belgium

    It seemed like Alan was on a bet in the boardroom to try and get away with calling the girls dumb in as many ways as possible. Dummies, dumbfounded, dumb expressions…

    And sad about Tim, he's definitely an awwww

    Reply
  2. Tim

    Did anyone else think Alex strutting around with his coat on his shoulders was very much him desperately trying to play up his supposed resemblance to Freddie Mercury?

    Poor Tim. Just because a nice guy named Tim won the whole thing once doesn’t mean it will ever happen again. Nice chap, but that makes him totally unsuited for this competition. (Note: this description excludes anyone who has a vaguely sellable invention like, say, a curved nail file thingy already under their belts.)

    Here’s a link to my recap, in which I get all serious for a minute and explain why the trade sub-team is a complete waste of time (just as it was in the condiments task last year):

    http://slouchingtowardstv.com/2013/05/09/the-apprentice-to-the-bitter-end/

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I hope the Shopping Channel task returns and Alex does it in the full Live Aid gear.

      Reply
  3. Shrinking Man

    “A Bitter This”? “Bitter Orange”! Bitter bloody ORANGE! Idiots.

    Well, at least Christopher Dean will be available for this year’s Dancing On Ice.

    Reply
  4. Jack

    Aww, by the end of the episode I just wanted to give Jason a hug! Completely useless and probably out the moment he hits the boardroom but he’s a terrific character.

    I may be on my own (I probably am) but I thought Kurt was a good PM apart from the random sub-team division on the first day (Chose a good flavour, was in control of the whole project and his sub-team seemed to sell very well) Mind you, I thought Azhar was a good PM last year though.

    Its a shame Tim went as hes such a likeable guy and I actually thought he could have stayed (Francesca should have gone) but its difficult to argue against it when the team made so many mistakes.

    I like Jordan, Rebecca and I guess Neil’s competent even though he has to shove it in our faces. “Behind every good PM is a Neil Clough” Urgh. Luisa didn’t get any better, firmly my least favorite.

    Reply
    1. Tim

      I thought Kurt did fine too. His sub-team selection looked bizarre at first, but unlike Evolve he made the decision on flavours in his team, not with the manufacturing team. Alex, Zee et al were just there to focus on manufacturing, that was it – and they did a fine job of that.

      Of course, all we got in the boardroom was endless drivel from the sub-team about the
      selection and how their egos had all been hurt as a result.

      In every other respect he was good. The pricing strategy was spot on (perhaps it could have been a bit lower at first, but he was clearly aiming to price for profit and that’s OK to start with), his choice of retail sites was spot on, and we also saw him listening to his team’s input at St Albans regarding where and when to move. I wouldn’t make him a favourite just yet, but he showed enough competence to make him one to watch. (That’s him gone next week, then …)

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      Oh Kurt did pretty much everything right, except for superficial reality tv stuff, but most of that stuff was “listening to Neil” and I’d rather not shovel any credit down a hole already that full with self-praise.

      Reply
  5. FuTeffla

    At the end of the first episode, I had identified Tim as my favourite. Oh Tim! I will back you! I will cry ‘MY BABY’ whenever anyone is mean to you! I will develop an accidental crush on you! You will be the Tom Pellereau of my heart!

    Dammit. Although I did get to let out a hearty ‘MY BABY’ right at the end so I suppose that was something.

    Reply
  6. TheBockingfordKid

    I love it when any contestant is inordinately proud of what might vaguely be termed a creative act, which is also, of course, always terrible. Tonight it was Neil and his ‘a BITTER this.’ Did you see what he did there? Can’t believe the beer industry never spotted that one before.

    The woman from Green & Black’s chocolate on You’re Fired explaining the seemingly simple way she came up with the name Green & Blacks, but the point is its right for the product. Similarly beer, you want to feel the makers know what they are doing. Have some history preferably. Call it ‘Lords’ or ‘Brady & Hewer’ or anything else but NOT ‘A Bitter This’ or ‘Rhubarb & Riches’ as they do not sound like any beer made ever.

    I think Jason may be unhinged. Or maybe that’s just the posh academic norm. He’s hilarious though, ruining stuff and not understanding why, then telling on ‘teacher’. I hope he stays in for a long time, likewise Luisia (booo!) and Rebecca (at this point yay!)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I am sorry that we didn’t really see much of the brainstorming behind either name. Uzma calling caramel a luxury product was pretty funny though.

      Reply
  7. Shrinking Man

    Confession time – in this year with a lot of lookalikes, Luisa, since day 1, has [i]really[/i] reminded me of a porn star. But I can’t, for the life of me, remember her name.

    Reply
    1. David

      I had the same feeling. Hell, she virtually IS a porn star; have you seen the pics of her in the daily mail? I think she would have been better in one of those Geordie shore/the Valleys type of programmes where the women think they are far far more attractive than they really are. Sophie is definitely my lustee for this series.

      Reply
  8. Shrinking Man

    I’m thinking of a specific porn star. I can picture her, but have no idea what she’s called.

    As far as lusting goes, I hear you on Sophie, but she doesn’t seem too bright, which is a turn-off. Dr. Aisleyne, on the other hand, is lovely.

    Reply

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