The Apprentice 9 – Week 1 Summary

We’re back! Fresh with the knowledge that Kaen is a Tory and that, according to Lordalan, Stella English is the worst human being ever to be on this show. Worse than Jenny Celery, worse than Katie Hopkins, worse than Paul Tulip, worse than Lindi WHO WAS CAUGHT PYRAMID SELLING TO VULNERABLE PENSIONERS. Let it never be said that Lordalan bears a grudge. At all.

We begin, as ever, with a straight-up sales task. After flowers, fruit, coffee, fish, cleaning services, sausages, business lunches, and tourist tat, we’re stuck. There is nothing left to sell. Humanity has no more experiences to offer So the candidates are given a MYSTERY BOX, filled with mysterious magical things, like…erm…water and bog roll. The excitement is truly palpable. Our teams are :

PM Jason: This year’s wannabe sophisticate who glories in the name “Jason Leech”. A Classic student with a monobrow, who has never had a job and has no social finesse or awareness whatsoever. I’ve no idea how people like this even get on the show these days, but I’d so glad they do.
Sub-Team Leader Neil : The sort of shouty cock-end neckbeard who thinks being made sub-team leader in Episode 1 means that he has EVERYONES RESPECT, rather than noticing it’s because the team leader wants him to fuck off and preferably get fired if the team goes down
Alex : A surprisingly competent and endearing Welsh vampire/Sontaran hybrid.
Jordan : Super-glib but kind of adorable with it. Looks a bit like he has detachable Mr Potato Head hair.
Kurt : Scouse embodiment of “eh”.
Myles : A Brian Paddick lookalike who is already my least favourite for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Tim : The world’s flailiest human.
Zeeshan : Actually says he’s got a Napoleon complex and doesn’t even notice he’s doing it.

PM Jaz: Everything wrong with the public sector embodied in one human being. So patronising and bubbling under with rage I can’t believe she’s not somehow the inspiration for Clare In The Community.
Sub-Team Leader Dr Leah : Competent Irish Extensions
Sophie : Silent Asian Extensions
Francesca : Stella English as played by Kierston Wareing Extensions
Natalie : Silent Greek Extensions
Luisa : Bitchy Jewish Extensions
Rebecca: Bitchy Northern Fringe
Uzma : One of the White Chicks from the movie White Chicks. With extensions.

There’s a lot of extensions going on, is what I’m saying.

In both teams, the awful useless, utterly overridden Project Manager does their best to tank the task, Jaz by hanging around Chinatown at 9am, somehow all day and Jason by…being Jason. In both cases their subteam leaders do their best to save them, with Alex and Natalie both also proving not totally incompetent. In the end, the boys of Endeavour (named thus because they’re trying, in many ways) beat the girls of Evolve (so called because one day they’ll manage to walk upright and use their thumbs) by a narrow margin, and the result is a Boardroom of Jaz, Sophie and Uzma, after Luisa feels the need to make it known that she exists and that she says things like “epic fail” in a business context. To people who sold much better than her. Both Sophie and Uzma are accused of doing nothing, but we all know people like that get fired in Weeks 2 and 3 (duh!), so it’s Jaz who eats the first boot, as she was born to do. Possibly on another planet, hooked on phonics.

Tomorrow : BOOZE! Tim is thrown into a bearpit of extensions because hey, everything beautiful must die, and soon.

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31 thoughts on “The Apprentice 9 – Week 1 Summary

  1. consmot

    Rebecca, Leah, Alex and Myles are my tips. Love ’em.

    In no other blog would we get references to White Chicks and a BBC Radio 4 sitcom in the same post. I love Apprentice season.

    Reply
    1. consmot

      (This is accepting that the first day is a very premature moment to declare love. Might yet be shit. The candidates, that is, I have every confidence in the blog. First impressions, though, impressed by those four! Tim is also funny, but I’m not letting myself get too attached to him.)

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      I’m totally diverse, so long as you don’t expect me to reference any from after about 2011. I’m so behind.

      Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Go on! You know you want to! Tonight’s episode looks like both teams pick a scapegoat and send the entire episode screaming abuse at them. CLASSIC APPRENTICE.

      Reply
  2. Tim

    We love Neil, really. He’s the most Adam Corbally-like candidate since, well, Adam Corbally. I do think PMs Jaz and Jase (OK, Jason) should get together to form a 1990s-style hip-hop duo though.

    Oh, Apprentice, how silly and frivolous and repetitive you are, but we love you anyway. I’ve scrawled my usual random thoughts via the link below. By tomorrow night’s episode I’ll be both random and deliriously exhausted. Thanks for that, BBC. No consideration for bloggers, some people …

    http://slouchingtowardstv.com/2013/05/08/the-apprentice-fools-rush-in-where-angels-fear-to-tread/

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      And there’s two episodes of The Voice at the weekend. Not that you recap that. I’m just complaining on my own behalf.

      Reply
  3. Jack

    Ah, we’re back! It was so blatant Jaz was going all task, but I’m surprised the teams were so close in the end. I liked Jordan, Leah, Alex, Zee and I suppose Natalie. Even though I wanted to like him, Neil was too far up his own arse for me and I didn’t like Luisa at all.

    Can’t wait for the recaps!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Nobody really pissed me off to the point of genuine dislike. Neil and Myles came closest.

      Reply
  4. Llwynog

    Alex looks like the lovechild of David Walliams and David Gest. He’ll go far …

    Glad someone else picked up on the neckbeard. Glad Neil’s such a nobber … it’s never good to dislike people for superficial reasons.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      If you think that, then I’ve got no idea why you’re reading this blog. That’s the only reason I ever dislike anyone. BE MORE PRETTIER, APPRENTICE CANDIDATES!

      Reply
  5. Shrinking Man

    You know, I had no idea that Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace had become a Doctor. Strange to see her back on reality TV. Not as strange, though, as Christopher Dean becoming a candidate on The Apprentice. They really have gone star-studded this year, haven’t they?

    Reply
  6. Kerry McCormack (@KerryMc1978)

    Why was Alison Hammond (BB series 3) masquerading as Jaz? More terrifyingly, why has someone seemingly cloned a combination of Stella and Dr Hammie to make Francesca? She’ll be sexually predatory towards the men but ruthlessly efficent with it.

    Reply
  7. Jenny

    The women all look like they are illustrating links that you really don’t want to accidentally click on.

    Running around London in Louboutins- I felt crippled just watching them!

    Wasn’t going to watch, but I’m sucked back in….it’s you and your witty blog’s fault 🙂

    Reply
  8. durnovarian

    Damn you Monkseal. I’ve got to go and watch episode 1 again now, just to try and sort out the amorphous mass of extensions, botox, and Leslie Ash lips. I liked Jaz because at least the frizzy extensions made her easy to spot…

    Reply

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