We’re back! Fresh with the knowledge that Kaen is a Tory and that, according to Lordalan, Stella English is the worst human being ever to be on this show. Worse than Jenny Celery, worse than Katie Hopkins, worse than Paul Tulip, worse than Lindi WHO WAS CAUGHT PYRAMID SELLING TO VULNERABLE PENSIONERS. Let it never be said that Lordalan bears a grudge. At all.
We begin, as ever, with a straight-up sales task. After flowers, fruit, coffee, fish, cleaning services, sausages, business lunches, and tourist tat, we’re stuck. There is nothing left to sell. Humanity has no more experiences to offer So the candidates are given a MYSTERY BOX, filled with mysterious magical things, like…erm…water and bog roll. The excitement is truly palpable. Our teams are :
PM Jason: This year’s wannabe sophisticate who glories in the name “Jason Leech”. A Classic student with a monobrow, who has never had a job and has no social finesse or awareness whatsoever. I’ve no idea how people like this even get on the show these days, but I’d so glad they do.
Sub-Team Leader Neil : The sort of shouty cock-end neckbeard who thinks being made sub-team leader in Episode 1 means that he has EVERYONES RESPECT, rather than noticing it’s because the team leader wants him to fuck off and preferably get fired if the team goes down
Alex : A surprisingly competent and endearing Welsh vampire/Sontaran hybrid.
Jordan : Super-glib but kind of adorable with it. Looks a bit like he has detachable Mr Potato Head hair.
Kurt : Scouse embodiment of “eh”.
Myles : A Brian Paddick lookalike who is already my least favourite for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Tim : The world’s flailiest human.
Zeeshan : Actually says he’s got a Napoleon complex and doesn’t even notice he’s doing it.
PM Jaz: Everything wrong with the public sector embodied in one human being. So patronising and bubbling under with rage I can’t believe she’s not somehow the inspiration for Clare In The Community.
Sub-Team Leader Dr Leah : Competent Irish Extensions
Sophie : Silent Asian Extensions
Francesca : Stella English as played by Kierston Wareing Extensions
Natalie : Silent Greek Extensions
Luisa : Bitchy Jewish Extensions
Rebecca: Bitchy Northern Fringe
Uzma : One of the White Chicks from the movie White Chicks. With extensions.
There’s a lot of extensions going on, is what I’m saying.
In both teams, the awful useless, utterly overridden Project Manager does their best to tank the task, Jaz by hanging around Chinatown at 9am, somehow all day and Jason by…being Jason. In both cases their subteam leaders do their best to save them, with Alex and Natalie both also proving not totally incompetent. In the end, the boys of Endeavour (named thus because they’re trying, in many ways) beat the girls of Evolve (so called because one day they’ll manage to walk upright and use their thumbs) by a narrow margin, and the result is a Boardroom of Jaz, Sophie and Uzma, after Luisa feels the need to make it known that she exists and that she says things like “epic fail” in a business context. To people who sold much better than her. Both Sophie and Uzma are accused of doing nothing, but we all know people like that get fired in Weeks 2 and 3 (duh!), so it’s Jaz who eats the first boot, as she was born to do. Possibly on another planet, hooked on phonics.
Tomorrow : BOOZE! Tim is thrown into a bearpit of extensions because hey, everything beautiful must die, and soon.