The Voice 2 : Episode 5 (Auditions 5)

Odds, Sods, and Odd Sods.

We open with Jessie J enthusiastically pumping her fists and yelling “PITCH TIME!” like an overzealous Apprentice Week 6 boot.

I guess you’ve got to appreciate someone so in love with The Process. I can only imagine how Jessie’s pitches would go down on The Apprentice. “I’M A FEMALE! STOP BEING MEAN TO FEMALES! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE BEING A FEMALE LORDALAN! IT’S HARD OUT THERE FOR A FEMALE FEMALE! IT MEANS TULISA’S YOUR BOSS! EVERYONE’S PICKING ON ME I’M GOING HOME!”.

Anyway, it’s about to become increasingly apparent that this is the episode where they’re going to shove all the auditions that they don’t really know what to do with, but which can’t by dint of editing fit in with next week’s “ZOMG THE TEAMS ARE NEARLY FULL, EVERY AUDITION IS VITAL!” narrative. Lucky me.

It’s also the episode where the show becomes unaccountably obsessed with what job everyone has, as amply demonstrated by Auditionee #1, Jamie Bruce who is




a chef, a gardener, a builder, a carpet-fitter, a child, a mother, a sinner, a saint, and he does not feel ashamed. Jamie Bruce carries out all these jobs in the most sinister manner possible, somewhat akin to the Psycho Of The Week on an episode of Criminal Minds. I’d check what’s in that carpet, and I’d have a gun ready is all I’m saying.

Chilling.

HE’S COMING FOR YOU JESSIE J!

Anyway, Jamie drones on about how having four jobs shows he’s really dedicated to music, because if he picked one career he’d just wind up trapped, man. He’d rather continue as he is, loving his lady Music, than become just another 9 to 5 landscape gardener. I know. The very thought. As he’s turned up wearing a flat cap and is measuring 2.1 on the pretension scale, let’s try and guess what genre Jamie Bruce is going to be singing…

He’s singing “Try A Little Tenderness”.

WHADDASHOCK! What did Otis Redding do to deserve this? Yes, Jamie Bruce is continuing doggedly in the template for reality tv success laid down by Steve Brookstein, and is doing blue-eyed soul. It’s not a bad effort, but as is usually the case with reality tv singers ploughing this particular furrow, he’s running at 95% to 100% during the slow build-up, but by the passionate climax he sounds like he’s assaulting his vocal chords with a buzzsaw. William turns during the early part (I would), and Tom turns during the closing parts (I wouldn’t), the other two bob around and pull faces as usual, but don’t.

Jamie Bruce continues to look like he’s about to shove model turned autistic super-genius turned woobie Dr Spencer Reid down a flight of stairs. He’s just got that glint.

Once they’ve turned around, Jessie J has a good gawp

and coos about how he’s REALLY TALL. Jamie Bruce replies that indeed, he is 6ft 5 of MAN. Jessie coos further that that’s taller even than Danny! Yes, that’s right, how tall one of the judges is is now a running storyline. How tall Danny O’Donoghue is has now officially been mentioned more times this series than Leanne Mitchell has. Think on.

William tells Jamie that he should pick him as his coach, as he is super-honest, and has nothing to hide, “except the things that I need to hide”. Like his entire musical output. Dirty bit. Tom for his part reassures Jamie that he loved him from the first note, and only waited so long to turn because he wanted to see what Jamie would do with the rest of the song. I mean…it’s “Try A Little Tenderness”. What did you think he was going to do with it Tom? Add a dubstep breakdown? He reiterates that he’s the only one for Jamie, and Jessie drones “and he won last year”, utterly disinterestedly.

Jamie says that it’s such an honour to have William and Tom turn for him, as they’ve done so much for the British and American music industries.

Tom’s also done a lot to bring back the Corduroy jacket, but you don’t hear anyone mention that. Anyway Jamie complains that it’s so HARD for him to choose between two industry legends, so William says he’ll make it easy for Jamie. If he were him, he’d pick Tom. But he’s not him, so he’d pick him.

William becomes more and more like one of those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books every day.

If you pick Tom, please turn to p17
If you pick William, please turn to p17
If you pick nobody, please turn to p17

(Reveal : page 17 contains a contract for your immortal soul, pre-signed by Evil Moira Ross.)

To hype the suspense, Danny gets the audience to chant

whilst Jessie shimmies her tits and makes a noise like a levitating ghost-mirror. I guess it beats a drumroll. I think the eliminations on Strictly would only be improved if Jessie J was wandering around behind the couples going “woooOOOOHoooohoOOOOHooooh” whilst shaking her boobies like the Victoria Wood “Two Soups” sketch. In the end, Jamie selects

Team Tom.

Next up it’s Auditionee #2

His name is Jordan Lee Davies, and he tells us that he’s come with his mum and bodyguard/dad. Well that certainly would have made that movie very…different. Jordan tells us that we might think he looks skinny and childlike, but his dad could well beat us up if we say mean things about him on the Internet, so watch it. (*Monkseal deletes several paragraphs of recap*)

Papa Davies is in fact the world natural bodybuilding champion. As opposed to the world cyborg bodybuilding champion, who is currently Cher. Jordan tells us that he has chosen not to follow in his father terrifying man-hulk footsteps, and instead wants to be a pop star. Papa Davies says he’s really inspired by Jordan being on stage and doing what he wants to do, whilst Jordan giggles that his mother often jokes that he’s a product of an affair with the binman. The gay binman. He and Papa Davies both talk about how each of them inspires the other by being true to themselves, and there’s some HILARIOUS business like this :

I’ve never grubbed for such sordid Google hits. I can only apologise.

As if Jordan’s persona didn’t need MORE layers, he’s auditioning with his own jazztastic version of “I Believe In A Thing Called Love”. This of course launches Jessie off into a terrifying range of RAWK faces :



Either that or she’s eaten something she’s found on the floor again. Don’t do that Jessie. I don’t care how much you do love Scotch eggs, it’s not healthy. Incidentally, Jordan has clearly picked this song solely to show off how he can do the high notes, which he hits pretty well, except for the “GUITAR!” bit, which comes out sounding unearthly.

I think he might have hit the brown noise. Ah well Jessie. At least you got the floor food out of your system quickly. And the chairs ARE wipe clean. Of course the other thing unearthly high notes provokes in Jessie is internal crisis :

“Female” Jessie. The word is “female”.

Tom and Danny both turn, at the very last minute, Reggie snorts “what? he was RUBBISH!” and then

Papa Davies breaks his spine. Don’t mess.

Once they’ve turned, William asks Jordan where he’s from, and Jordan replies “South Wales”, showing that whilst Wales might love Tom Jones (apart from Ash Morgan), Tom Jones doesn’t necessarily love Wales. Jordan goes on to say that he’s from South Wales, and that his nan danced with Tom Jones once. Tom’s all “I’ve shagged every Welsh born woman from between the years 1932 and 1963 boyo, narrow it down a bit” and everyone has a good laugh about how Tom is a massive slut.

William’s pitch to Jordan is that he really enjoys and admires the range of notes that Jordan can hit, from low to audible only to dogs with tinnitus and also he’s really pleased that Jordan is wearing a “geek” t-shirt, because he’s all about collaborating with geeks. Geeks like Cheryl Cole, Chris Brown and Britney Spears. BRING THE Danny’s pitch is

“I’m wearing geek chic, you’re a geek”. I wonder how broad the definition of geek has been stretched now that Danny thinks that it covers what he’s wearing.

Showing his amazing understanding of geekery, Danny then tries to persuade Jordan to join his team by getting all the girls in the audience to chant “Danny! Danny! Danny!” whilst he glares in Jordan’s direction and pulls this face.

I’m not sure how he could be MORE offputting without actually giving Jordan a Chinese burn, calling him a queer and stealing his Geography homework. Jordan says he had a plan coming in today, but it hasn’t worked out (was his plan “be Team Jessie”? That seems kind of like his natural home) so now he’s officially

Team William.

As if to grind home his Geek Credentials, Danny then waves Jordan off with the old “Have a handshake…

LOL NOT REALLY!” routine. Sometimes it feels like Danny has come direct from flushing someone’s head down the toilet in a John Hughes film doesn’t it? He grizzles to camera that the only reason William is wearing glasses is so he can keep his eyes on Danny, so he can copy Danny all the time. I think Danny might be reaching slightly there.

Inspired by Jordan’s high notes, we are next treated to an entire audition, of “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, without being shown who’s singing The judges do their usual chattering, face-pulling and

artistic wank faces, but we the audience aren’t told or shown whose voice it is. It sounds like a woman…BUT IT TURNS OUT IT’S TOTALLY A DUDE!

DUNN DUNN DURRRRRRRRRRRN! Danny immediately calls his therapist and tells him that there’s something they need to discuss. Given the fact that this auditionee’s first word after the judges turn round is “surprise!”, I’m guessing this novelty was why he was invited. Tom tells him that he sings like a girl, and then Jessie informs him “never to apologise for singing like a female”. Inspiring words, truly. Meanwhile our next auditionee in this montage of WACKINESS is this guy,

who LOOKS like a white guy but totally SINGS

like a white guy PRETENDING TO BE A BLACK GUY! Look at the subtle transformation. He’s singing “Let’s Get It On” (*shudders*) and it’s like every office Christmas party you were never at. I think the only reason they pan to the judges at all is to reassure us that Jessie and Danny aren’t awkwardly screwing on the photocopier. Even without the slightly disturbing visuals (so much bobbing! so much bobbing of the neck and the arse and just…BOBBING) nobody turns, as Jessie wonders yet again if two people are singing. Seriously Jessie, let’s find one person who can sing and work up from there. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Once everyone’s rejected Charlie, Danny says he really wanted to turn around just to see what Charlie looked like, and Charlie grins “good-naturedly” that Danny should have just turned his bloody chair round then. Bye Charlie Ryan. I’m sure several virginal 19 year old girls have started tumblrs for your awkward sexuality already.

Next up it’s Aret Kapetanovic who is singing a Paloma Faith song but is in fact

SEXY! AND YOUNG! Truly this is the most shocking reversal of them all. Once she turns around, everyone’s eyes pop out on stalks like the wolf from a Tex Avery cartoon, and Tom and Danny thud their buttons (*pardon*) in mock-sexual ecstacy. Jessie chides all the men (including William, who couldn’t be less interested) for judging with their dicks. They’re forgetting what The Voice is ALL ABOUT. CRUSHING THE DREAMS OF THE BEAUTIFUL. Tom tells Aret that she is a beautiful girl, and that she should be singing beautiful songs. Oooh burn! I hope they’re not expecting Paloma Faith to turn up for their Results Shows with that attitude. Now she’s only going to do 2, and don’t think you’re getting her best costumes Tom Jones, because you’re NOT. It’s an ill-fitting Spiderman outfit from Party City Costume Hire and that’s your lot.

We close with Tom saying that Aret is clearly a very sexy attractive lady, so she should only be singing sexy torch song ballads. What a load of sexist old horseshit.

That bizarre whizz through the carnival house of horrors consisting of what this show considers a “surprising reveal” over with, it’s time for Auditionee #3

and she’s brought her kids!

I think it’s just the younger looking one there. Cherelle tells us that she’s prepared her children for their day out on the telly by showing them all pictures of the judges so they recognise them, and also excerpts of their songs. If someone had done that for me before Series 1 with Danny I would have been most grateful. Anyway, it turns out that Cherelle’s kids recognised everyone’s music other than Tom Jones’ because they are very young and Tom’s a washed up old scrote who hasn’t had a hit in years. I’m paraphrasing here.

Like all reality tv contestants who have popped out a sprog, Cherelle is apparently here to teach her kids that if you really commit yourself, you can achieve your dreams, no matter what, even if you come to your audition dressed up like

something you’d jump up and down on in the casino themed levels of a Sonic The Hedgehog game. Even if your intro VT consists solely of you accidentally insulting the judges. Even if your “black girl with a big voice” niche has already been amply filled by Cleopatra Comin’Atcha this series. Even if Holly Wibbly

has stolen your children to flog iPhones with, because her own children refuse to appear on camera any more because they have to, like, go to school and shit. Even if you sing like

UTTER ASS ON TOAST, which is what Cherelle does. Well done on picking a Cheryl Cole vocal showcase for your audition, as well. Especially as The Voice band’s use of synths is roughly about the same level of sophistication as a Whigfield single. Jessie J identifies it as completely the wrong style of song for Cherelle’s voice, but wait…there’s an even worse crime afoot here…

That’s right. Cherelle isn’t enunciating properly. Jessie J is about to come for somebody over their diction. I mean…never mind that she and Danny have spent the last four weeks slamming musical theatre graduates (*hiss spat claw at the air*) for having diction that’s too perfect. Even without that that’s pretty rich. Anyway, fortunately for Cherelle, Tom gives her a

pity poke, for whatever reason (she WAS pretty loud) so at least Cherelle can take the lesson Jessie’s about to give her and move forwards with it, like mistress of diction Ruth Brown. Even Cherelle looks kind of baffled that anybody turned for her. Of course Jessie moves right in to tell Cherelle that she had a mother who taught her that it’s pronounced “think”, not “fink”. Tom rolls his eyes and says that he thinks, over the course of the next few weeks as her mentor, he may find to correct that, so it’s not MUCH of a reason for not turning. Jessie snits “is there some word FINK, which I’m not aware of” (probably). Cherelle then sings the song to Jessie’s liking. Not my liking of course, because it is still “Call My Name”.

Tom praises her for her tone, her passion, and also how she was constantly behind the music. It was a STYLISTIC CHOICE! I’m so sure. He welcomes her to Team Tom and Cherelle gives him a hug, muttering “fank you, fank you” the whole time. She’s lucky Jessie didn’t catch that, otherwise it would have been DETENTION at Jessie J’s School For Wayward Girls. Once Cherelle’s gone, Tom points out to Jessie the mote in her own eyes with regards to her accent, before Danny relives an emotionally scarring incident where some Cockney came up to him in the street and made fun of his accent, despite the fact that, being a Cockney, he also had a HIDEOUS ACCENT. Clearly the scars still burn.

Moving on, you will be glad to hear that they’ve sorted out those “Team X” infographics from last week, so now you can just about tell who’s on which team. I mean

they look a bit like a chatline advert, but it’s an improvement.

Next up, it’s Auditionee #4, Ricardo Alfonso lugging a child after him who looks

absolutely thrilled to be here. Oh Ricardo. When you’re playing excerpts from the judges songs to your children, try to leave a suitable gap between that and filming beginning, to allow then to recover. That’s the face of a child that’s just heard “Boom Boom Pow” for the first time. Ricardo tells us that ever since he was a little child, he’s wanted to be a recording artist.

That or an avant-garde interior decorator. Sadly for Ricardo, he tripped and fell onto a life of musical theatre (*flail wildly, clutching your throat, making the sign of the cross with the other hand*). He somehow found himself in “We Will Rock You”, apparently playing

Inspector Clouseau. But he’s hoping the judges will forgive him, and let him be a pop star anyway. Ricardo goes on to say that he is 38, and the clock is ticking. So just the time to make the leap from musical theatre to a career in the far less youth-oriented pop market right. Right?

Ricardo takes to the stage and sings “Too Hard To Handle” (Otis Redding begins spinning in his grave the OTHER way) and

CLEAN UP IN AISLE JESSIE! I can’t believe Evil Moira Ross had to get her imps to get the mop and bucket out twice in one episode. If the judges were sniffing around for traces of musical theatre, then Ricardo’s got lucky with the format of the show, because there’s very little in his voice but…


plenty in his face. Seriously, Les Mis has won its Oscars already, your ship has sailed. He even throws in a patented “We Will Rock You” end-pose.

Danny turns early, Tom turns right at the end, and Ricardo basks in their love.

When everyone’s settled in their chairs, Ricardo reveals that he is called Ricardo, he is from Portugal, he’s 38, he’s a West End Performer, his hobbies are salsa dancing and Korean cinema and he’s looking for friendship and maybe more. Danny, pretending to mishear, mugs “YOU’RE A WEST HAM SUPPORTER?!”. Ho ho. He then, as he is wont to do, gives Ricardo a full narrative recap of the status of when each individual person did and did not turn during Ricardo’s audition, like Ricardo hadn’t been stood there throughout. Maybe he thought Ricardo might not have been paying attention given how he was trying to moisten the panties of the coach party of ladies from Poole in the back row.

Tom tells Ricardo that he’s heard the song he sang a lot, and in fact sings it himself, but Ricardo brought something new to it with his performance. Was it tits and teeth? Tom does indeed attribute Ricardo’s fresh take on the material to his status as a “West End performer”. Incidentally, throughout all of this, William is singing everything Tom is saying, under his breath, for no reason.

William then starts blathering away about how Danny is great and all, but Ricardo should really pick Tom, because he has magic ears and can really take him there. It turns out this is the beginning of another random “bits and pieces” montagey section themed around the POWER STRUGGLE at the heart of The Voice :

Danny vs Tom. Yes, it turns out that they’ve finally found some people who are willing to select Danny over another judge, so long as that judge is Tom, and nobody else turns round. Ricardo is going against William’s sage advice, or falling for his reverse reverse reverse psychology or whatever, and picks Danny. As do these two people :


The first one is called Sean Ramsey, he’s shown singing a little bit of “Payphone” (not the rude bit), and apparently he used to be in the hit band Futurepoof with one Vince Kidd. The second is called Alice Barlow, she’s shown singing a small snatch of “Call Me Maybe”, and apparently she used to be in Hollyoaks as Manic Pixie Dream Chav, Rae. They’re neither of them much cop, but the important thing is that they chose Danny, yes they did. Tom huffs into his mic that he’s not really threatened by Danny’s ability to get ex-Hollyoaks girls with hotpants wedged up their front-bottoms to pick him because they think they can have a showmance with him.

He knows who’s really in charge here. Yes, it’s Evil Moira Ross, and don’t you forget it. She’s got Rod Stewart on Rotodial Tom, and she’s not afraid to use him.

From THERE (I told you this episode was fragmented and weird), we get another montage, talking about how all the ladies love Danny O’Donghue and want to do Danny O’Donoghue and like would like to see his nob at least. It chooses to illustrate this apparent cast-iron solid truth fact with shots of him pulling faces like this :




My favourite part is Jessie J huffing that Danny’s the one everybody fancies EXCEPT HER. So that’s all those rumours about their boiling sexual tension dispelled then.

Auditionee…(*checks increasingly ratty looking notes) #5 now, and Reggie tells us that none of the auditionees would be here today if it weren’t for family support. I guess we all fell out of somebody’s vagina at some point. Reggie assures that this is not true for ANYBODY more than it is true for

this lady. No hetero, but I want her to stay around just for her eyes. They are magical. Anyway, Katie tells us that she used to do loads of booze and drugs, but then she had a baby so she stopped.

I mean, I don’t think it’s going to become THE recommended treatment at The Priory, but whatever got her to turn her life around, I guess. She says she’s going to dedicate this performance to said baby, whose name is Reuben, and who is super-cute. She tells us that Reuben has shown her that anything is possible

(maybe Reuben should have stopped before those leggings…) and that she’s now decided she’s going to become a midwife…if she doesn’t become an international superstar po-star first of course.

Midwife it is then.

It’s kind of really disappointing because first of all Katie seems quite likable. Secondly, her voice has an interesting quality that I’m not sure is quite hitting its full potential in this audition. Thirdly, she’s better than everyone we’ve seen this episode other than possibly West-End Ricardo and Serial Killer cum painter & decorator Jamie. Fourthly, she’s so much better than Cherelle that apparently I feel the need to single her out specifically. Fifthly, she’s singing “You Got The Love” and it’s better than that Florence & The Industrial Fan Heater rubbish cover version that was unaccountably everywhere a few years ago. Sixthly, she sounds like she really wants it in her voice, to levels I’ve not seen since one Becky Smash. Seventhly, the camera keeps on crash-panning to Reuben saying things like “they’re about to press it!” and he’s like FOUR YEARS OLD and this is gross and manipulative.

THANKS A LOT, EVIL MOIRA ROSS.

When all the judges have turned, Jessie tells Katie that she didn’t think it sounded like Katie really believed in what she was singing, and Katie insists that she did, and then has a little bit of a flat-spin until Tom swoops in and tells her that sometimes you can get TOO into the emotion of a song and it closes your throat up, or makes you unrelatable, or you just end up screaming the lyrics of “You Oughtta Know” to a karaoke bar of really confused looking people while crunched up like you’ve got kidney stones. Not that ever happened to…anyone that I know, of course. Katie says that she will take this on board. Danny asks Katie how old she is, and she replies “24” and then Jessie J sticks one finger up in the air and says

“my age”, in a really deadpan way that I find absolutely hilarious for no particular reason. I’m not sure if she’s making a point or if she’s just enjoying spreading knowledge. Tomorrow, Monkseal Readers, if you meet someone who is the same age as you, be sure to let them know.

Katie tells the judges that she’s wanted to be a singer all her life, because she’s never been able to because of…you know, being smashed off her face on pills and that. Backstage her sister cries.

At least I’m guessing it’s her sister. Those are the tears of someone who has had to hide the keys, I’m betting. She says that she just wanted to show her son that he can try to be anything he wants, because she never felt like her parents instilled that basic level of self-belief in her. Then Tom cries. Then Danny gives Katie a hug. Then Katie goes backstage and Reuben tells her off for not singing properly.

I AM NOT CRYING, EVIL MOIRA ROSS! YOU HAVEN’T GOT ME WITH BO BRUCE 2.0, NOW WITH A BABY! LET’S MOVE ON!

To Auditionee #6 and…oh good, it’s another duo. (*swigs tequilla, regrets nothing*)

Yes, Apprentice also-rans Helene Speight and Melissa Cohen have blacked up, and have taken their musical comedy act on the road. They’re called Brantano.

Ignore that nameplate, it’s just wrong. Anyway, Helene & Melissa used to be in a girl group called “Girls United”, but then Helene decided that she didn’t want to do music any more but now she’s decided she does. What a fascinating backstory. In the meantime, Melissa had a child. Melissa called her child “Cookie”. Never were the words “nuff said” more appropriate.

Helene and Melissa

dance down the corridor (SERIOUSLY Helene, how many crucifixes do you need? Only one of the coaches is an actual vampire), as Helene says that she’s grown so much since Girls United, and she’s here to prove a point to herself. If anybody in the audience can tell me what they think that point is, I’d be glad to hear it.

Brantano walk out onto the stage holding hands, gazing at one another and giggling like a corporate training exercise gone horribly wrong. They’re singing

Katy Perry. I’m not sure this could possibly have been crafted to have been more personally chafing to me. They stomp, crouch and leap around the stage yelling like they’re trying to mark their territory all around the Yates’ dancefloor. This is some territorial pissing, in the name of stage presence. It feels like something that should (/shouldn’t) be happening in the audience for a show rather than onstage. William turns at the very end, because apparently SOMEBODY is contractually obliged to turn for all duos.

Once he’s round he tells them that he really appreciates their energy. In response to this, Helen starts YELLING “BRANTANO, THAT’S THE NAME, BRANTANO, THAT’S THE NAME!”. Yeah, I don’t think this one needed encouraging, thanks William. She then jabs her finger up in his face and tells him that

she prayed for you William. She prayed for you ALL NIGHT. REAL sinister. Then, as William tries to talk with them, she and Melissa just ignore him and

hug one another. I love it when recaps just become “and then she does this awful thing, and then this awful thing, and then THIS which is even worse”. Saves a lot of effort.

Jessie says that she wants to explain to Brantano why she didn’t turn around, and Helen instantly squares up like she wants to deck her. Deck her

with her labia. Jessie tells them that their harmonies weren’t really very tight or pleasant to listen to. Helene tells Jessie that ACTUALLY she totally agrees with her, in a tone that, if Jessie frequented nightclubs, would have had her leaping behind her chair before she got a glass of Chinzano to the face. Helene writes off their bad harmonies to just being nerves at performing to (the backs of the chairs that contain) legends.

William then asks them what “Brantano” means, and Helene replies that she read it in a book or something. A spiritual book. It means “bollocks”. She then yells “WILLIAM BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!”. I hope the Opera Hags eat these two up. Mostly Helene. Melissa seems fine.

We then get a brief montage about William and Danny’s “bromance”. I’m not recapping it, but suffice it to say that it makes Danny sound like a total stalker. He even says “I grew up listening to William and wanting to be like him”. Which…you’re only 6 years younger than him Danny, let’s not.


Beautiful.

Had enough montages yet? YES? FUCK OFF! Here’s some people who have jobs and don’t get through.

This one’s a nurse.

That one’s a personal shopper.

This one a DOH administrator called “Em Brulee”.

This one’s a dog groomer.

This one’s a hairdresser.

This one wears your granddad’s clothes, he looks incredible, he’s in this big ass coat, from that thrift shop down the road.

(Sidebar : I googled that last one, just like I google most of the contestants, just to see if anything interesting falls out, and no joke the first google image search result for him is him stood naked behind his guitar pulling a Shaggy From Scooby Doo “ZOIKS!” face in the middle of the desert. You have to admire someone who so typifies exactly the person they are. Keep on rocking Ant Henson).

Auditionee #7 now and

ZOMG IT’S NATE JAMES! From…erm…having the name Nate James? I know someone who was almost famous had that name once, and he had that name, and it turns out THIS IS THE SAME PERSON. Look!

Here he is hovering awkwardly behind Jools Holland. He tells us that he thinks that he thinks that people who have had successful music careers in the past have tended to shy away from reality shows, but he saw just what quiet dignity Deniece From Fivestar was treated with last year, and thought “me too!”. Nate reminisces about the old days, touring with Simply Red, appearing in shows with Aretha Franklin & Al Green, and winning

…things. Those were the days – making music, shooting videos, selling 125,000 records worldwide (according to artist myspace). But it was never quite enough. And now…he’s back, baby!

Honestly, this whole segment is like meeting someone who says they’re from your Primary School in the street and wondering if they actually did used t know you, or if they are in fact a crazy person. He paces around backstage, and says he’s really excited to be singing for some of the industry’s biggest names, and hopes against hope that one of them will take him under their wings. Well, Danny’s got his out all the time. You can probably shelter under there.

He’s singing “Crazy” by Seal, which is a really odd choice, because that song has a whole of lot of time spent…not really singing. Like, you can tell the judges really want to turn, but they’re all saving up until Nate actually gets a whole phrase out. Also really wanting the judges to turn are




Nate’s parents. I think SOMEBODY’S ready for Nate to move out of the garage. I wonder how many of those 125,000 sales worldwide (according to artist’s mypsace page) were them. Anywho, Jessie turns right at the end, with Danny trailing in her wake. He then throws a paper airplane at her. *shrug*

Once the coaches have turned Jessie yells “NATE JAMES! HELLO NATE JAMES!” clearly aware of what her angle is, which is recognising people who weren’t quite famous whilst she was reading Smash Hits from cover to cover in an effort to ABSORB STARDOM. Danny meanwhile tries the following tactic :

“Hey mate, what’s your background?”
“I’m a singer-songwriter…”
“LIKE ME!”
“I’ve had a few albums out…”
“LIKE ME!”
“I’ve been signed and then dropped a few times…”
“LIKE ME!”
“…and so I’ve decided to come and have a go and go on The Voice because my career’s not really working out”
*deafening silence*

Jessie meanwhile reminds Nate James that she recognised that he was Nate James when she turned around and saw Nate James. As if this wasn’t enough redundancy for one segment (ON THIS SHOW?!) she then actually says :

“I’m happy that you’ve come on this show, because it shows how credible the show is, because you’re credible”

Marvellous. Danny says he knows exactly what he’d do with Nate’s voice, because it’s a soul voice, and Lord knows we all remember the soul greats in Danny’s category last year, like Aleks Josh and Hannah Berney. Danny tells Nate that he knows that Nate came here with a particular coach in his mind, and he knows it was him.

So wasn’t. This is despite Danny’s amazing argument that he will never talk to Nate again if he goes full Team Jessie. Jessie of course

handles her victory with the maturity and decorum you’d expect from an international recording artist of her stature and clout.

Next up, apparently Jessie team needs even more padding out, so the audition of “Ipswich rap & soul duo De’Vide” is passed through the shrediting software that the show is using this week. We see “Ipswich rap & soul duo De’Vide” do an acoustic version of My Girl, where “De” does the singing, whilst “Vide” raps over the top of his vocal.


There’s no flies on this girl. Having identified them as a duo, Jessie turns, because she somebody is contractually obliged to, even though “Vide”‘s rapping sounds uncannily like S.Mouse from Angry Boys and they clearly have about the shelf life in this competition as a 16 year old virginal Welsh girl hanging around Tom Jones’ dressing room in 1963.

Time now for Auditionee #8 and

oh, wait sorry, here we go.

I’m so easily confused. Lareena Mitchell tells us that she is a professional Adele tribute act. By which she means she hangs around outside the houses of guys she fancies, passive aggressively yelling “NEVER MIND, I’M FINE, CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIFE” and then rummaging through their bins whilst their backs are turned to try to get stuff they can use to frame them as a paedo. Here’s a picture of Lareena in her full Adele get-up.

So that’s “Adele – juss doin this nah” then. She goes on to say that becoming an Adele tribute act was one of the best decisions of her life. Imagine. Personally becoming an Adele tribute act was one of the biggest mistakes of my life, but then I did decide it in the middle of my A Level History exam.

Now…what do you think would be the best song for an Adele tribute act to audition for a talent show with? “Rumour Has It”? “Turning Tables”? “Skyfall”? “Cold Shoulder”? “Jason Pavements”? (NO!).

Oops, you are wrong. Yes, professional Adele mimic Lareena has decided to audition with an Annie Lennox song. Because I hear so much crossover between those two voices. As such, it kind of descends a little into singing “in the club style”, especially one bit where she dives entirely outside of her own range and spends half a sentence just expelling air instead of singing. But still, what she undeniably is, is

loud. Bless you Tom, for making this ever-changing world in which we’re living that little bit more predictable.

Lareena beams at Tom, giggles a lot, and then Tom asks her what she does for a living. Lareena says “mostly performing at children’s birthday parties….THANKS TO YOU!”, then rips off her plasticine face-mask and advances on him angrily, before security come on and drag her back to Evil Moira Ross’ dungeon where she belongs.

OK, not really, she reveals that she is an Adele tribute act. She just loves Adele. Adele is her idol. She spends three hours every day just trying to make herself smell like Adele smells, in her head. Somewhere in her LA mansion, Adele stops swimming around her giant pool of Scrooge McDuck money and remembers to thank her agent for turning down the judging gig on The Voice. Everyone tells Lareena that she’s in good hands with Tom, and he definitely won’t drop her like a hot brick the second the show finishes.

HONEST.

Somewhere backstage, Lareena’s dad (who of course is her inspiration and the reason she took up singing and auditioned for The Voice and all that jazz) yells “TOM’S MY HERO!” and then starts talking to Holly about how he went to see Tom in Las Vegas once. Holly

completely blanks him, like he’s just tried to start this conversation up at a bus-shelter at 11pm on a Saturday Night. Such a professional.

Once Lareena’s gone, Tom tells us very solemnly that he hears thinks that the other coaches just can’t.

I find that very hard to believe. I find it very hard to believe that anything Tom hears isn’t immediately audible to everyone else in the same room/same county/deaf ward of the nearest hospital.

Finally, to close out this messcellany of an episode, we’re getting two RAWK candidates auditioning. The first one is this chap, Auditionee #9, called “Colin Chisholm”.

He’s apparently the oldest “artist” auditioning this year, at the ripe old age of 60. Colin tells us that he’s been singing for 51 years now, since the age of 9, and he once appeared on Top Of The Pops, with his band “Bilbo Baggins”. He tells us that Bilbo Baggins were signed to a record label in America, but for some reason it just never worked out, and they never became the global phenomenon they deserved to be.

CAN’T THINK WHY! It truly is a shit business.

Colin tells us that his daughter filled in the application form for The Voice for him, because she’s always been a big supporter of his. Presumably because she’s too young to know about…things like that picture.

Auditionee #10

meanwhile, is from Liverpool, just like those other musical legends, China Crisis. And he too is in a band. Or he was. This is them

They’re called The Cora…oh no, wait, Black Rebel Mot…no…erm Cooper Temple Cla…erm…The Music? OH NO WAIT, IT’S THE BLACK VELVETS. They were Alannah Myles’ backing singers. Possibly. Don’t they look angry though? Grrr. One of them hasn’t even tucked his shirt into his trousers. They’re so rock and roll that they even got into the NME in the 2000s

and it’s not as though anybody in a torn up Debenhams shirt and jeans who picked up a guitar could do that, oh no. They were PROPER ROCK. Paul tells us that The Black Velvets played with other PROPER rock bands like The Killers, The Kaiser Chiefs and The Who. Also Razorlight. But he doesn’t mention that. Who would? Sadly, like all good things The Black Velvets “just came to an end”, and certainly not because someone shagged someone else’s girlfriend and hence gave someone an STD by proxy or anything like that. Totally natural end to the band. They’d just achieved all they could as artists.

Oh, and by the way, Paul is

erotically attracted to statues, just like that woman who tried to marry The Eiffel Tower. Just so you know.

Colin’s the first to sing, and he has opted for MOR power ballad classic “I Drove All Night” which he sings exactly as you’d expect a refugee from 70s rock to sing it. It’s so hilariously obvious throughout that the guy is only really competing for Tom’s love. I mean, his family are just yelling “COME ON, TOM!” and Danny, Jessie and William are all looking at him throughout as if to say “…well we’re not doing it”.



Even Tom himself looks slightly bored with himself as he hammers the button.

Or maybe that’s just this episode in general.

Once the audition is over, Jessie turns, mockingly compares Colin to Jay-Z, then tells him that he and Tom were made for eachother. It’s marginally less nakedly bitchy than it sounds, but not by much. William then totally lies that he finds the combination of Colin & Tom together really threatening to his chances of success in this competition.

No, really, he definitely, totally does. Honest. I’d do a “this is the least sincere thing I’ve seen since…” gag, if the show weren’t so rampantly insincere that I’d be calling back to about 10 seconds ago. Tom closes by announcing that he really enjoyed the intensity of Chisholm in that performance. *snort*.

Paul, next up, does a really unnecessarily raspy version of “Locked Out Of Heaven”, all bluesy affectations, so guess who’s the only judge to turn for him?

So predictable this show is.

Jessie’s pulling that face for…reasons. Best known to her. She tells Paul that if nobody had pressed their button for him, she would have been really disappointed. Not disappointed enough to actually, you know, press her button. The same button she’s pressed for such FUTURE SUPERSTARS as Katie Bimbow, Derby County, Alex Buchanan, DIVA, Leah McFail, and, of course Ruth Ann St. Luce.

We then get the following MINT BANTER :

Jessie : What do you do in your day job? In your daily life?
Paul : I’m a musician. A singer. Of course I do gigs like this ALL THE TIME.
Danny : Where you from mate? Where you from?
Paul : I’m from Liverpool
Tom : Where’s that?
Paul : It’s quite close to Wales, so I’ve heard
Tom : Anybody famous come from Liverpool?
Paul : Atomic Kitten!

Imagine Danny laughing at literally everything Paul says, like a complete douche.



Like that. Terrifying. Anyway, Tom tells Paul that he thought his performance was a little one-note, and Paul replies that he wanted to pick a song that didn’t match the sound of his voice. Yeah, that makes sense.

On the other hand, Paul’s crotch looks faboo in the ridiculously tight trousers he’s wearing. And there it is. The one positive I’m taking out of this entire shambolic episode.

Next week : Steve recaps the last of the auditions, as the judges scramble to fill the few remaining slots on their teams. Then the show probably just decides to crown a winner there to pre-empt the inevitable ratings decline once the spinny chairs go away. Let’s say it’s…oooh, Matt Henry? Why not?

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7 thoughts on “The Voice 2 : Episode 5 (Auditions 5)

  1. Ferny

    I think Danny has some issues, he seems to really want everyone to know he’s tall and think he’s younger than he actually is. I looked up Will’s age and I can’t believe he that close to 40. He sure don’t act like it lol (although that is a good thing)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      To be fair, it mostly seems to be Jessie pushing how tall Danny is. Maybe he’s subbed her a fiver.

      Reply
  2. JillianBoyd

    I would like it to be on record that I have issues with Brantano. Like their name. And their personalities.

    Reply
  3. jimmywise789@gmail.com

    I’m rooting for Paul Carden, not really a fan of his singing. Its cos of his crotch in those ridiculously tight trousers, plus his *face* when DannyfromTheScript turns…….

    Reply

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