“This week, it’s another test of endurance,” said Seacrest. He wasn’t kidding.
Amber Holcomb: Look, I get why they’re pimping Amber out. Either they think that she’s the most commercially viable of their final four, as she’s the slimmest and the prettiest, or they’ve found a role for her in an end-game in which she’d otherwise be a non-player, in terms of American Idol the television show. She’s never been in the top, she’s repeatedly been in the bottom, she’s not going to win, and the others outmatch her consistently vocally. Why NOT make her “judges darling” to give people something to talk about? I just think that maybe they should have looked at the running order for this week, seen “Amber chooses to sing MacArthur Park” and…maybe realised this wasn’t the best week to try it? I mean, I love MacArthur Park (and my love is only reaffirmed by Jimmy IVUnit hating it), but it’s disco in a way that doesn’t really work anywhere other than an actual disco unless you’re Donna Summer levels of charismatic (or lip-syncing for your life on Ru Paul’s Drag Race). So needless to say it was a complete trainwreck as soon as she hit the uptempo part and started lurching around the stage, and everyone patted Amber’s hair and told her not to worry, because it was the song’s fault (it bloody wasn’t). Everything else? Pimped the hell out, in the most hilarious way. Telling her that she outsang Kree in that AWFUL Adele duet? No. Telling her that a sub-Jennifer Rush runthrough of The Power Of Love was the second coming of Celine Dion? No. Telling her that a sub-Jennifer Rush runthrough of The Power Of Love was contemporary? No. Making the critique of Candice’s better performance of the week all about Amber for some reason? No. Having her be the only person to get her “20 seconds of facts” aired completely? No. Nikki telling her that she want to be her best friend forever? No. Clearly being the beneficiary of the “It’s not a save! It’s a non-elimination! Honest!” Week? No Randy coming INCREDIBLY close to calling her an “Oreo” about five seconds after covering a song apparently most famous in America for having been sung by the whitest woman in the history of humanity? OK, that had nothing to do with her being overpimped, but I found it hilarious anyway. Clearly Uncle Nigel’s Diversity In The Workplace seminars have had some positive effect. Open : 4/10, One Hit Wonder : 3/10
(On the plus side, I’m enjoying all this “Amber is the Chosen One” nonsense because it’s the most hilarious version of that particular conspiracy theory since that one whacko on TWoP during season seven who was convinced the whole thing was rigged in favour of Ramiele Malubay. Open: 5/10, One Hit Wonders: 3/10)
Candice Glover: Well, with Candice making her first trip to the Seal tonight, surely that means this whole thing is Angie’s to lose? Whether it’s an indication that Candice’s support is waning, or that Kree had a bottom-two bounce from last week, Candice was in the danger zone with Amber this week – not entirely deservedly, I think. Of course, it probably didn’t help her cause massively that during her visit to the adorable sick moppets in hospital she couldn’t help but be Very Candice about it.
CANDICE: I’m Candice, from American Idol.
ADORABLE SICK CHILD: I know.
CANDICE: Oh, you know? *flips hair, bats eyes*
I mean, I loved it, but maybe it didn’t play so well in the provinces. Anyway, for her Ehhh, Whatever You Like theme, Candice opted to sing ‘Find Your Love’ by Drake, which is not a song that I recognised by its title, but once we got to the chorus, it turned out to be that one with the lyrics that I always thought went “I pedophiled your loving, I pedophiled your heart”. Apparently that isn’t correct, but I think my version is better. Anyway, Candice put her own spin on it, which I really liked, but the judges weren’t so keen, and Nicki called her old-fashioned. Which is odd, because that’s a complaint that I think would be legitimate for quite a lot of Candice’s performances (or Amber’s, or Kree’s), but not this one. Meanwhile, Fuckin’ Leatherface hissed from below the stage that it wasn’t as good as Amber’s shitty-ass performance (he may not have used the phrase “shitty-ass”), at which point I realised that he is either tripping, trolling, or both. For her second song, Candice opted for Samantha Sang’s ‘Emotion’ (making it a Samantha Sang song, tee hee), which was good if a bit Candice-by-numbers. It also caused Keith to bemoan the lack of current material being performed this evening (like, he’s just noticing that, after THIS WHOLE SEASON?), which made me think what amazing shade it would’ve been if somebody, anybody, had performed ‘Call Me Maybe’ for their one-hit wonder song. But I’m getting off the subject of Candice here, which is appropriate, because that’s what the judges did after both of her performances, so let’s just cut right to the scores. Open: 8/10, One Hit Wonders: 6/10
(SHE PEDOPHILED YOUR LOVIN, SHE PEDOPHILED YOUR HEART! Open : 5/10, One Hit Wonders: 7/10)
Kree Harrison: Obviously the section where they farmed out the Idol Quarter-Finalists to a children hospital and had them poke at some kids with leukemia and then…look awkward, was a complete abomination and should never be done again. Only three good things came from it : firstly Amber and Angie walking around together when apparently they’re the only two members of the top four who don’t like each other, secondly “Candice Glover : Child Hater” and thirdly, the mothers of the hospital using Kree’s voice as a valuable resource for sending their sick children to sleep. Sod Calpol, let’s just have Kree Harrison mumble some country into your baby’s face and off to the Land Of Nod she’ll pop. I have to admit I was most of the way to another plane of existence entirely myself, halfway through her first performance. Apparently she told her designated Sick Kid that she was going to dance especially for them during the performance which, frankly, if I were that child I’d be insulted. I’m not saying I’d expect her to whip around like a pole-dancer in a Def Leppard video, but…she just kind of shuffled a bit. Anyway, I thought she really picked things up for her second performance, although it mostly served to persuade me that really she should sing “He Aint Heavy, He’s My Brother” at some point. Truly that song is the superior “Whiter Shade Of Pale”. I’m glad that Kree got somewhat of a Bottom 2 Bounce, but she does feel like somewhat of an afterthought at this point. Open : 3/10, One Hit Wonders : 8/10
(I still don’t understand how someone can sound this much like Katharine McPhee and yet not interest me in the slightest. Kree Harrison is nature’s own mystery. Open: 5/10, One Hit Wonders: 3/10)
Angie Miller: As I said above, I think this whole thing is Angie’s to lose at this point, and in a move that I would never have predicted at the start of the live shows, I feel…okay with that? Like, there’s something incredibly insincere about her, and I could see why she’d be hugely irritating to hang around with for any extended period of time, and yet at the same time, she’s rarely boring. Girl knows how to put on a show, and that’s proven invaluable in this year’s competent but occasionally unspectacular talent pool. Her first song choice was ‘Who You Are’, and if you add that to her audition song and her Vegas week performance, she’s basically done the entirety of Jessie J’s album now. Yeah, it makes sense that Angie would be a Jessie J fangirl, doesn’t it? Obviously Jessie J was too busy being bald and coaching on The Voice UK to appear in the studio and show her appreciation for Angie like Drake did for Candice, but she tweeted about it or something, and that’s something, right? I actually quite liked what she did with the song too; she managed to make it sound not entirely ridiculous, which is quite the rarity for a Jessie J song. I also thought her voice had a pleasing Kelly Clarkson quality in parts of both songs. For her second outing, she did ‘Cry Me A River’, which is everything you would’ve expected it to be: super-earnest, kind of over-enunciated, and also surrounded by RIDONKALONK staging. Needless to say, Angie won this night hands-down, and that was when I realised I really didn’t have any objections to her winning the whole thing, if that’s how it’s going to play out. Open: 9/10, One Hit Wonders: 8/10
(You’ve wanted her to win from Week 1, DON’T LIE. Open : 6/10, One Hit Wonders : 7/10