American Idol 2013 : Bacharach/David/Beyonce/Some Christian Bint/Others Week

Say it with me now. 1…2…3…VAGINA PARTY!

Angie Miller : So this week’s “look, this year’s contestants are adorable and precious and you will fucking appreciate that if it’s the last thing you do” theme on the videos was ‘things you don’t know about me’. Angie, bless her, chose to reveal that she’s a YouTube sensation, just like Chris Crocker, Joey and Meghan from The Amazing Race, and Dame Margot Fonteyn. With the best will in the world, I think we all knew that Angie was a YouTube sensation, even if we didn’t realise we knew it. She just looks like the type, doesn’t she? Mind you, she decided to make a twofer of it and also admit that she really likes HARDCORE MUSIC! …that’s it? I mean, if it had been “hardcore pornography”, that might have been interesting, but again, the idea that Angie Miller likes to do devil horns into the camera didn’t exactly shock me to my core. Anyway, Angie had a middling week, in that she wasn’t especially bad, but she was also not Candice Glover, and was therefore essentially surplus to requirements. I wasn’t especially sold on her rendition of ‘Anyone Who Had A Heart’, largely because it’s my favourite Bacharach song and therefore I want it done excellently or I’m not interested, and I felt like her heart wasn’t entirely in it. This is a song that you need to be bellowing out from a place of sheer desperation, and Angie was giving us “mildly miffed”. She clawed some points back in her second song, ‘Love Came Down’ (no, me neither) in which she, quite literally, took it to church. While wearing some sort of peculiar chain-mail top. Presumably because now her secret’s out, she doesn’t have to hide that she’s into HARDCORE SHIT any more. Good for her, I guess. Bacharach : 4/10, Others : 7/10

(Angela being into hardcore music is the least surprising thing about her this series, even surpassing “she sucked in Motown Week”. Bacharach : 8/10, Others 5/10)

Amber Holcomb : Even if this week wasn’t Amber’s best, we have to admit that her “secret shame” was the best of all the contestants yes? I can just see a “shrimpsicles” craze sweeping America’s youth, lasting til long after all of the contestants from this series have been forgotten. So…Tuesday then? Sadly, despite inventing a new and succulent frozen seafrood treat, Amber kind of bombed both halves of “Bacharach/Randoms Week”, despite how desperately the judges were trying to make her performance into some sort of moment, despite it being a disco skip through the most obvious Bacharach song possible. As for the second half…look, I love Beyonce as much as the next person. She’s one of the 21st century’s greatest pop icons, and a true triple threat (singing/acting/burying the bodies where nobody can find them) but imagine being asked which song, out of the ENTIRITY of modern music history, you wish you’d written, and answering “Love On Top”. It’s truly baffling isn’t it? I mean, you’d almost suspect she just picked something that she knew she could sing in order to get some momentum off a fairly loose theme but…obviously not, based on that performance. Did anybody wonder what it would be like to hear Whitney Houston, in her darker days, trying to sing the album filler tracks of Beyonce? Well if they did, they aren’t wondering now. Bacharach : 6/10, Others: 4/10

(Yeah, it was brave of her to attempt that Beyoncé song, but LOL NO. Bacharach : 5/10, Others : 2/10)

Lazaro Arbos : I take my hat off to Nigel Lythgoe – I knew that he was desperate to have a girl win this year, but the swift axing of all the boys in the Top 10 has been both efficient and merciless. The judges didn’t even have to use the save or anything. Now, I’m not saying that there was witchcraft involved or anything, but it did seem awfully convenient that when the only guy left was Lazaro Arbos – he of the unimpressive voice, but adorable puppy-like face – the only realistic obstacle to an all-female top five, Lazaro decided to just flat-out give up. Because really, there’s no other explanation for what happened. Lazaro MISSED A KEY CHANGE in his performance of ‘Close To You’. ON AMERICAN IDOL. HOW THE HELL DO YOU MISS A KEY CHANGE ON AMERICAN IDOL? I mean, this wasn’t just the wheels coming off, this was the wheels running over three kittens, eight newborn babies, and then coming off and ploughing straight into a van full of nuns. Even the judges seemed legitimately lost for words – at one point Nicki’s response was actually “seriously, Ryan, just pretend I said something and move the show the fuck on, because I CAN’T EVEN RIGHT NOW”. His attempted comeback with ‘Angels’ was a moderate improvement, but only in the sense that he at least seemed to vaguely know what that was supposed to sound like. Oh, and the ice-cream-seller-and-part-time-pimp outfits took on new levels of ridiculosity this week, especially since when we saw Lazaro rehearsing, he was just wearing a very normal-looking Hollister jumper, suggesting that all those “OH MY GEE, LAZARO’S DRESS SENSE IS JUST SO KERAZEEEE!” interviews from last week were…not wholly genuine. Bacharach : 1/10, Others : 2/10

(Mariah Carey having to explain to Lazaro what a key change was is the greatest moment in reality history since Jenn explained to Donald Trump how time works. Bacharach : 1/10, Others : 4/10)

Kree Harrison : Kree’s secret shame is that she loves rodeos, and also singing at them. I was sort of hoping it was going to be “I am actually forty-seven years old and have entered this contest illegally”, but I guess not. Chris made an interesting point while we were watching the show, which is that he loves the catalogue of Burt Bacharach so much that it’s hard for him to be objective about it, and that was sort of the problem I had with Kree’s performance of ‘What The World Needs Now Is Love’. It’s not that there was anything particularly bad about it, but she was tacking on runs and ad libs in the way that’s essential for a constant on a show like this to stand out, but completely detracted from my enjoyment of the song. For her, it was putting her own stamp on it, but for me, it was just stamping on it. Since I have no strong feelings about Kris Kristofferson (apart from the inherent komedy of Kree kovering Kris Kristofferson), I was able to enjoy her performance of ‘Help Me Make It Through The Night’ – it fitted her voice perfectly, and the performance got better the longer it went on. It struck me as odd that she played that one so straight, though, when it probably could’ve stood up to all the riffing better than the Bacharach one did. Bacharach : 5/10, Others : 8/10

(KREE KREESTOFFERSON AM I RITE? Bacharach : 7/10, Others : 8/10)

Janelle Arthur : Janelle Arthur once played a boy in a play. A boy called Wilbur. Apparently she put on a voice and everything. This of course entirely unlike her stint on American Idol, where her hilarious voice is ALL NATURAL. I guess my thing with Bacharach, is that as much as I love the sunnily overwrought middle-class melodrama of him, it’s very very easy to push over the line from kitsch to naff and let’s face it, Janelle Arthur already pretty much lives there. On a good day. So her g’hyuking her way through the smurfier end of Bacharach (seriously, it’s very hard to sing “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again” and not sound like a precocious lisping 12 year old) was never going to light my fire. And then she talked about how her MIND WAS BLOWN by the very complicated metaphor, created by Garth Brooks, of a DANCE representing A HUMAN LIFE, at the tender age of 11. I suspect that the reconstruction work was somewhat akin to the reconstruction work done to Coventry following the Second World War. Bacharach :4/10, Others : 4/10

(The campaign starts here to get Janelle to be the new judge on Shuggabuggacandance. Bacharach : 3/10, Others : 4/10)

Candice Glover : Let’s be honest, this year’s American Idol hasn’t exactly been a vintage series so far. Even the contestants that started off well have slowly been dwindling in quality. Except maybe (MAYBE) Janelle, everyone now appears a bit less exciting than they might have done when they were placed in comparison with this year’s pretty woeful crop of male contestants. Candice’s descent into MOR rock tedium last week was perhaps the most painful descent so far (the second-most : Angie’s hair), and her being cast out of the judges collective Top Three was the natural conclusion, given that at base, she has the fewest obvious marketing hooks of all the remaining women. Also it was, happily, the kick up the bum she needed to come out this week and absolutely bring the house down, kicking everyone else’ ass left and right, up and down the stage. So amazing was it that, briefly, during her performance of “Lovesong” an actual demon from hell flew out from a dark flaming pit beneath the earth to bellow “ROVE ROOOOOOOOOOOOO!”. Them or Nicki Minaj. Or Scooby Doo. I’m not sure what else there is to say about her performances. “Don’t Make Me Over” was absolutely perfectly paced down to the microsecond, and “Lovesong” was probably the best pure vocal performance on this show since the hallowed days of Mindy Doo. I hope she wins, and Mariah bursts out a whole CANNON of glitter. Bacharach : 10/10, Others : 10/10

(Yeah, this was a good week for Candice. There’s not much more I can add. Bacharach : 9/10, Others : 10/10)


4 thoughts on “American Idol 2013 : Bacharach/David/Beyonce/Some Christian Bint/Others Week

  1. Ferny

    Well Candice certainly brought it, and for the last few weeks I don’t even know what Lazaro was doing. I don’t think he was competing in the same competition as the rest.

    I like Mariah and she seems nice but I’m surprised she’s so inarticulate…sometimes I just can’t listen to her because she starts about 10 different sentences before completing one and can’t seem to describe anything. She’s not how I thought she would be at all!

    1. monkseal Post author

      To be honest, I never really had Mariah down as a deep thinker. I did think her moment with Kelly was kind of sweet, if a little ham-handed.

  2. Tim

    Honestly, I just don’t get why the judges seem so determined to big up Amber. She’s a decent singer, but I don’t ever feel she connects with the songs. Say A Little Prayer was a lazy choice, sung functionally. And I totally agree about Love On Top – THAT’S the song you really wish you had written? Pull the other one.

    Candice. Wow. Just seriously, wow. Lovesong was kinda like Summertime plus My Funny Valentine plus Over the Rainbow raised to the power of POW! We already knew it, but this underlined her position as the best singer in the competition. And, like Melinda D, that pretty much guaranatees she won’t win … 😦

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think it’s a shell-game of sorts? They keep on having opinions, noisy opinions, about all the girls, regardless of how uninteresting they are, and meanwhile they just…slide Lazaro off the side of the table.


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