The Voice 2 : Episode 2 (Auditions 2)

This show’s got a point to prove. Damned if I can work out what it is, though.

We’re back for more blind auditions, and even though last week’s ratings weren’t enough to topple Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway

Smoke gets in your eyes

SOMEBODY (mentioning no names but probably short and Geordie) has set off a smog bomb in the studio, just in case. Just look at those dark clouds gathering over Him Out Of The Script’s head! Although to be fair, that’s probably just because he had to walk past a theatre on his way here, and it was showing a MUSICAL, and he’s still working out his rage issues about that.

We begin with all of the coaches waffling on in a rather abstract fashion about how you know when you hear THE VOICE. None of it’s very interesting, apart from William pointing out that “somewhere, out there, is the winner of The Voice“,

Somewhere out there is the winner of The Voice. Singing at a birthday party.

and at Pontins Brean Sands, Leanne Mitchell whips her copy of Reload at the screen and screams “yes, it’s me! I won, remember? Are you ever going to mention me, you FUCKERS? Oh yes, you’d like to forget I ever existed, but you don’t want to cross me, I’ve got pictures, I know what Danny tried to do to Aleks Jo—” (that’s as far as she gets before Adam Isaac and Mooleen emerge from the shadows, shaking their heads, to chloroform her and drag her back out to the van, where the restraints are waiting).

We get a quick reminder of how the teams stack up so far in terms of numbers:

Three for Team Jessie
Two for Team William
One for Team Him Out Of The Script
One for Team Tom

as well as a brief recap of how it all works:

In the words of Montell Jordan, this is how we do it

Right, are we all ready? All you need is your ears (and remember, “ears” is an anagram of “arse”), because it’s time for more of

The Blind Auditions

Everybody, say hello to Trevor.

Audition 1: Trevor Francis

Trevor is, we are told, a personal trainer who used to be a backing singer. He’s performed with the likes of P Diddy, Mariah Carey, Tinie Tempah and Florence + The Washing Machine.

Rage against The Florence

Look, there he is, doing a festival with Florence – blurry and out-of-focus, as all backing singers should be. (Although given the representation of ethnic minorities in some of Florence’s videos, he should probably be grateful that “blurry” was the main extent of his indignities.) He says that as a backing singer, he always really wanted to be at the front, and that’s why he’s doing this show. Because there’s absolutely no chance of him being overshadowed by actual famous people here, it being All About The Voice and everything.

All about Trevor
Definitely about Trevor
Totes about Trevor
Basically The Trevor Show
Ain't nothin' here but Trevor
So much Trevor I can't even stand it

I know my focus was certainly 100% on Trevor when all that was going on. (He auditioned with ‘A Change Is Gonna Come’, by the way, and I was quite surprised to encounter that song on a reality show not being performed by a middle-class white person. Truly, a change IS gonna come, it seems.) Trevor tells the coaches that he’s from East London, which gets a “WEEEEEYYYY!” from Chadwell Heath’s own Jessica Ellen Cornish, and then he gets a round of applause for being 30. I’m sensing this is not exactly what you’d call a tough crowd.

Time for the schmoozing to begin in earnest, and Danny tells Trevor that the tricks Trevor knows are going to mix really well with the tricks Danny knows.

The tricks Danny knows

Hang on, how did that picture get in there? Tom thinks Trevor sounded great and still managed to have his own individuality in a well-known song, and he’d like to have Trevor for Team Tom, but hey, it’s Trevor’s decision, Tom Jones is totally chill, man, he already knows how to win this shit, he can take it or leave it. Or something. Jessie J reminds him that she turned around first because of The Voice and the control, and she loves that when she did turn around, Trevor was in performance mode. Shame we didn’t really get to see any of that, since they were too busy showing us close-ups of Tom’s face. Jessie brings it on home by saying she thinks that vocally, she’s the coach that Trevor needs. William agrees that it’s all down to who you have around you, and says that he’ll go to the ends of the Earth to figure out how he can be the right coach for Trevor. It’s not a great sales pitch, but he does drop in the idea of how useful he’ll be after the show finishes, which is definitely William’s biggest strength as a coach. Dude is CONNECTED, yo.

Jessie says that the journey’s more important than where you end up (just as well, she finished 4th last year) and William adds that the journey doesn’t stop after the show is over.

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over

Trevor’s thinking “what was the name of last year’s winner again?” It’s time for Trevor to make a decision, and the crowd are screaming for him to pick William, so

OMGYAY

he picks Jessie, who immediately goes full Regina George about it.

Oh, I feel so bad about this, except not really

“…but William is a grotsky biotch who’s a less-hot version of me. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.”

Jessie J appreciates your belief

And if you think that’s Trevor being subtitled there, oh girl, have you got a lot to learn. So Trevor’s definitely getting to be in the spotlight now (LOL), while William

William, possessed by a demon, yesterday

doesn’t understand why Jessie thinks she’s going to teach Trevor how to sing when Trevor already knows how to sing. Yeah, but does he know how to SANG? Or to SUNG? Or to SENG? They’re all very different skills you know, William.

Time for Audition #2:

Audition 2: Emma Jade Garbutt

Emma Jade, who’s a beauty consultant. She tells us that most girls her age like pop or R&B, and while she likes those too, DON’T GET HER WRONG SHE AINT NO SNOB OR NUFFIN, she’s really a country girl at heart. (Translation: she owns three Taylor Swift CDs, writes a lot of songs about how people are REALLY MEAN, and makes her own videos where she gets her boyfriend stolen by a brunette whore who totally puts out on the first date and probably doesn’t even LIKE THE GUY THAT MUCH.) Emma Jade’s mum points out that country is not cool in Doncaster (yeah, but it’s all the rage in Skipton!) and so Emma Jade has had to work very hard to push herself on to the music scene.

YEE-HAW

So last year she went to (some stock footage of) Nashville to play at “something called The Teen Hoot“.

Serving Amy Booth-Steel realness

She played for around 3000 people, and a producer told her that she could become “the first English country superstar” (excuse YOU, I think you’ll find Carolynne Poole beat you to that), and now that’s become her goal. Emma Jade insists that she has to get out of Doncaster and back to Nashville, and this show is her best chance of doing that. So many questions:

1) HOW exactly is The Voice her best chance of getting to Nashville? This seems very much like one of those three-part schemes where part two is still “???????????????”
2) If that Nashville producer genuinely thought she could be a country superstar, why isn’t that producer helping her to pursue that? I mean, if it’s a viable concept, surely any producer worth their salt would want a piece of it?
3) Country music is, at best, still very much a niche interest in the UK. Exactly how long does she think she’s going to last in this competition?
4) Even if she does somehow manage to win, this contest has so far struggled to launch people who actually perform in genres that normally sell in the UK. How successful, commercially-speaking, does she expect to be?

While we mull all of those over, Emma Jade performs a slightly yelpy bluegrass rendition of ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’.

Sweet child o' mine, y'all

She makes it into the second verse and so far there’s been no interest, despite some button-teasing from Jessie and Danny, who don’t seem to actually be seriously considering turning. Panic starts to spread across Emma Jade’s face as she approaches the end of the song with all four coaches still having their backs turned to her, and then this happens:

Tom's a-turnin'
ZOMG

I know, I was shocked too. I mean, she wasn’t even that LOUD.

Emma Jade loses her shit completely, and Danny clambers up to look over the back of his chair, apparently unable to wait the extra two seconds before it turns of its own accord. Jessie J warns Emma Jade not to cry, because then Jessie will cry, then William will cry, then Tom and Danny will cry, then Evil Moira Ross will cry. HA, just kidding. Evil Moira Ross does not have time for your puny human emotions. William can’t believe that Emma Jade is only 18, and Jessie explains that she didn’t turn around because she didn’t believe the performance. Danny agrees, and he thinks the nerves got to her at the start, but he thinks Tom is a great person to sort that sort of problem out for her. William explains that he didn’t turn around, because reasons. Seriously, he doesn’t have an explanation, because he says he liked it, but he was just waiting for someone else to go.

Tom says that he turned around because he loved the way she sang, and Emma Jade’s all “I love the way YOU sing”, and calm down dear, this isn’t Compliment Tennis, there’s no obligation to volley back. Tom adds that he thinks this country is lacking in country singers “at the moment”. Yes, it’s almost as if it’s a genre of music that’s rooted very specifically in another culture. He tells Emma Jade she’s stuck with him, and Emma Jade insists he’s exactly who she wanted, so it’s totally fine. Backstage, Emma Jade’s mum

Emma Jade's mum

(played by special guest star Lesley Sharp) seems pretty happy with this outcome too.

Audition #3 is Sam And His Pushy Stage Mother.

Audition 3: Sam Hollyman

Sam came home from school to find out that his mum had signed up him to audition on this show. Oh yeah, this is going to end well. Apparently this isn’t Sam’s first brush with fame either: on his 15th birthday, his mum took him to a Michael Bublé concert, and “during an interval”, decided to go up and approach Mr Bubbles himself. First of all, what the hell kind of concert has an interval? And if so, why on earth would the performer remain on the stage during it? Conveniently, this whole incident was caught on film, presumably for a DVD or something, and it ended in Mickey Bubbles inviting Sam up on stage to sing ‘Feeling Good’ with him.

Bubbles looks hungry. Look out Sam!

And then it WENT VIRAL.

LOOK MA, I'M ON THE INTERNETS!

Yeah, this is all feeling contrived right here. I wonder what it could possibly be building towards?

Michael Bublé heartly endorses this event or product

Endorsement from multi-platinum selling megastar, CHECK.

It's a little bit funny...

Audition for this show’s esteemed panel of judges/coaches/mentors, CHECK.

…okay, maybe not THAT funny.

Unequivocal rejection, CHECK.

Danny explains that he didn’t turn around because “I slightly heard music theatre in there.”

I spit on your musical theatre, and then wipe my arse with it.

UGH, MUSIC THEATRE! KILL IT WITH FIRE! Danny tells Sam off for pronouncing his words properly, and advises him to add a really fake rasp to his voice to increase the authenticity of his performance. That’s the kind of coaching you really can only get from an expert. William says that ‘Your Song’ is a song of appreciation, and Sam was sort of screaming it, so his performance and the required emotion didn’t match. Jessie J says she’s happy nobody turned around (ouch) because she doesn’t think Sam’s ready yet. She advises him to go away and work on his voice by singing a lot. Christ, at this point I’m beginning to think we’d have got better coaching standards by putting my primary school music teacher in one of those spinning chairs. (Fun fact: her name was Mrs D Sharp. In the unlikely event that she’s reading this, hi Mrs Sharp!) Sam head backstage, and his mum

GEE, THANKS MA

has a long, hard think about what she’s just done.

And speaking of the evils of musical theatre, on to Audition #4.

I swear I didn't deliberately capture his eyes half closed to make him look bad. Honest.

Alex Buchanan has been performing as part of Thriller Live, but now he wants to be a pop star in his own right. Alex talks about how his family is wonderful, and how they remind him to stay humble and grounded and also

My lipstache is cool, my lipstache is poppin'.

taught him how to grow an amazing lipstache. Thanks Dad! Alex’s dad tells him “it’s good, just getting to this stage” (tell that to Sean from 5ive, or Kerry Ellis), and Alex says that the greatest lesson his father ever taught him was to never give up, and live with no regrets. That’s nice and all, but it’s a shame it wasn’t

Dude, they're called UNDERpants for a reason.

“how trousers and belts work”. Alex is performing ‘Don’t Wake Me Up’ by noted shitbag Chris Brown

And the jokes write themselves

and is genuinely awful. He’s breathy and flat, but that doesn’t stop Danny and William from turning around almost instantly, and, to his credit, Danny does try to stop Alex from being quite so terrible.

Translation: stop being so shit, you're making me look bad

It’s not very effective, though. Danny and William try to persuade Jessie and Tom to turn to save themselves from the dreadful knee-jerk reaction they made earlier, and then Tom turns because Alex is loud, and Jessie turns because Alex starts doing really annoying vocal tics. Oh, and William decides to jump on her chair as it turns.

Only one person to ride the chair at any one time please

Well, that was fun at least. Shame it was soundtracked by a hiccuping rhinoceros falling down a flight of stairs while carrying a tray full of teapots with mating crickets in them. Still, at least we’ve found our Ruth-Ann St Luce for this series, I guess.

Jessie tells him that she was the last to turn around because she wasn’t sure about him, but she and Will did a cool dual turn, which was very exciting. I think Jessie’s lost track of what show she’s actually on. She thinks he grew with the performance, but that last riff made her go like this:

Schoolmistress Jessie J is not pleased

I don’t know if that’s good or bad, to be honest. Tom says he waited a bit before hitting his button, because he was waiting for Alex to do something wrong, but he didn’t. Apart from EVERYTHING, you mean? Tom tells Alex he just wants more of the same from him. Well, that’s Tom’s mentoring done for the season. Danny calls Alex “gifted”, “fresh” and “new” and says he needs him on his team, and adds that he’s close to Alex’s age.

Haaaaaaaang on a minute

Preach it, Jessie.

Time for Alex to make his decision, and after showboating over it for about 40 years (now THAT’s close to Danny’s age), he picks Jessie.

OMGYAYAGAIN

Well, if anyone’s capable of knocking all of those irritating affectations out of his performance style, it’s Jess—oh. Never mind. Meanwhile, William claims that he totally meant for that to happen, and got Jessie to turn around because he didn’t want Alex on his team after all. “Sneaky Willy!” Indeed.

Audition #5 is this woman right here:

The Crosby Show

If you don’t know her face (and if you watch The X Factor, you probably know her face anyway), you’ll certainly know her voice: she sang on Meatloaf’s #1 hit, ‘I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do It In Parentheses)’. She tells Reggie all about how that came to happen (apparently the woman who was originally booked to sing it didn’t turn up, and she was just hanging around the studio doing…stuff), and mentions that they used a model in the video

Model behaviour

and so nobody knew it was her, and to this day people still don’t realise The Model was only lip-synching, not that Lorraine’s still bitter about this 20 years later or anything. Especially not the fact that The Model was offered THREE record deals off the back of Lorraine’s voice. Definitely not her face PLUS Lorraine’s voice, you understand. Just Lorraine’s voice. So, this audition should be a cakewalk, right?

Crosby, Stills and Gash
Objects In The Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are

Welp. Maybe she should’ve done ‘Paradise By The Dashboard Light’. Lorraine responds to Danny’s opening gambit of “how are you?” with “Gutted.” (NOT BITTER!) Lorraine tells them that they’ve heard her all sing before, on that song with Meatloaf.

BUH?

Dun-dun-DUHHHHHHH! She expands that she didn’t get to be in the video (NOT BITTER!) and no one ever believes it really was her (DEFINITELY NOT BITTER!). Jessie compliments her on her tone, but Lorraine didn’t do any riffs, so she didn’t make it her own. Or something. William was hoping for Jessie or Tom to turn for her. Also, he thought she sounded black, or something. And thus Lorraine’s journey ends, but she’s philosophical about it, saying at least she got to tell her story. Again.

Definitely not bitter!

Considering the whole Lorraine vs The Model battle that was being built up, and this show’s ethos about how it’s All About The Voice, I’m not really sure what we were supposed to take away from that audition.

After Lorraine goes, Danny remains incredulously that it was her that sang with Meatloaf, and sings ‘I’d Do Anything For Love’ – with a completely different melody. I’m not convinced Danny even knows that song.

Here’s our candidate for Audition #6, Ragsy.

Relp, Ragsy!

Oh, sorry, my mistake:

Mmm, Welsh cakes

He’s brought Welsh cakes with him, beceause he is Welsh. His real name is Gary Ryland, but he’s going by Ragsy, because…oh, I don’t know. I’m sure he has his reasons. Let’s ignore that and focus on him doing what Welsh people do best:

LOOK, WALES!

wearing a long dark coat and gazing at rooftops from high places. Holly asks him where the name Ragsy comes from, and he says that his parents were skint when he was younger, so his mum used to patch up their clothes, and he and all his brothers got called Ragsy. Nowadays, he’s a chef who loves music.

The Saucepans And Guitar Café

Never let it be said that this show isn’t deft at visual shorthand. Here’s how he does his cheffing:

Just doin' this now. Scissoring a baguette.

COOKING DOESN’T GET TOUGHER THAN THIS! (I knew a girl who scissored a baguette when I was a teenager. She was drunk at a party, and never lived it down.) Anyway, time for Ragsy to swap the stove for the PRESSURE COOKER that is The Voice, while his dad tries to cop off with Holly Willoughby backstage.

Yeah, thanks, I'm married and constantly pregnant.

Smooth.

Thurston Howell III: The Millionaire

So Ragsy’s giving us a bit of Coldplay, except to demonstrate his originality he’s singing it to the tune of this:

Danny recognises the authentic rasping of his artistry or whatever, and turns very quickly.

*thumbs up*

Then at the end of the song he gets very loud and very Welsh, so of course Tom turns as well. Meanwhile, Jessie J and William just sway in sync like the Children of the Corn. Tom asks Ragsy where he’s from, and he says that he’s from Aberdare, or if you prefer “Yabbadabba-dare”. Yeah, no, I’m fine the first way thanks. Ragsy’s feeling sassy, so he asks William if there’s any particular reason he didn’t turn around. William says he just knew that Ragsy would be better off with Tom or Danny, and Ragsy’s all “oh, so it’s nothing I did wrong, then? Just petty inter-judge bullshit? Fair enough.”

William says that “everything that’s synonymous with M-A-G” is what Ragsy was just now. “Margarine?” wonders Jessie. Oh dear, Miss Cornish. Back to remedial English with you, I think. William explains that he meant magnetic, magnificent, imagination, magazine (as in “on the cover of a”), magician, magical and magnum. Danny is driven to break the fourth wall at this point.

Were you just being kind, or am I losing my mind?

Danny O’Donoghue, you’re no Ann Perkins, and you never will be. Danny loves people who take signature songs and take risks with them, and thinks he’s just found the great rock singer that he’s looking for. Jessie advises him to go for the high notes rather than sitting underneath them, and Ragsy is grateful for the constructive feedback. Tom tells him that he wasn’t sitting underneath anything, he was RIGHT ON TOP OF IT, and he loved the way he sounded right from the start.

So it’s up to Ragsy to decide whether he wants to go with “Dan the Man, or The Man with the Tan”, as Danny puts it. And given a choice like that…

Man with the Tan it is, then

…it’s a no-brainer, really. Ragsy telegraphs it so far ahead that he’s choosing Tom that Danny quips that it feels like they’re breaking up, and that’s the cue for them to both say things like “it’s not you, it’s me” and “I feel like we just want different things.” IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH MEN!

This segues into a montage of how all the Welsh contestants end up on Tom’s team, which would be a valid observation except

The exception that proves the rule

they keep showing Ash. Who was on last week. And who had the option of joining Team Tom, but picked Team Jessie instead. Is a bit of continuity from week to week too much to ask? Also, Danny mangles the following simile: “Tom Jones is like Velcro to Welsh people. They just stick to him like glue.” Well, while Jessie’s retaking her Key Stage 3 English exam, I think we should probably send Danny off for some extra Textiles tuition.

Audition #7 now, and you know what we’ve not had yet?

Alas, Smith and Jones

HELL YES, IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING DUO! Can we call them the Mooleen Juniors? What do you mean, “no”?

One of those negging One Direction songs plays as we learn that (Katie) Smith and (Harry) Jones are romantically involved as well as professional partners. Smith talks about how there’s a bond when they perform together that makes them stronger as a couple, and Jones just nods a lot and flinches when she plays with his hair. That’s a good sign, isn’t it viewers? Also, she talks about him writing songs about her, and he pulls this face.

Who, me?

Admit it, you want to smoosh their widdle faces as well, don’t you? They’re like a bargain basement version of Scarlett and Gunnar from Nashville, but hey, I’m fine with that. Smith encourages Jones to share the things he writes in love letters to her with the six-and-a-half million viewers currently tuning in, and unsurprisingly, he declines. I don’t know if he’s just shy, or if we have a serious case of He’s Just Not That Into You going on here, but either way, I’m fascinated and I want them to stick around as long as possible so that I can monitor them, and possibly use them as material for a thesis in a Psychology night-class. “I just want you to say something nice about me and I feel you can’t say something nice about me,” she passive-aggressives. Amazing. It’s RAW, UNBRIDLED PASSION. Judge for yourself:

And I JIZZED IN MY PANTS

They talk about the prospective pressure of letting the other person down, especially when THEIR LOVE IS ON THE LINE HERE.

Ah'm missin' you like CANNNDAAAAAAYYY

Don’t get too excited, they’re not doing Mandy Moore. They’re not even doing Robbie Williams. It’s Paolo Nutini, apparently. *shrugs* Despite the dubious source material, I actually rather like them. Their voices blend together nicely and they’ve got a good tone and they’re basically the exact opposite of everything that Mooleen were last year (except for the part where she’s a nightmare and he’s the very definition of henpecked, they share that much), so I’m baffled that they continue to sing and nobody turns around for them. I mean, Alex Buchanan was shit from start to finish and managed to get four coaches arguing over him, so what gives? Just when I’m about to completely lose it with this show,

Danny to the rescue

in the dying seconds of the song, Danny comes over all “oh fuck it, why not?” and presses his button. There’s a fun bit where they introduce themselves, and you can tell that Jones is totally embarrassed about the lameness of their name. Jones admits that they’re a couple, and is practically shoving Smith over the other side of the stage as he does so, and oh dear,

SQUEEEEEEEEE!

something just happened to Jessie’s ovaries when she heard that. William asks how long they’ve been together, and Jones says “a year and a half”, while Smith giggles that it took him a while to remember. They were both performing as soloists at a charity event, and their first date was singing a song together. Oh my God, they’re basically the live-action version of Sing Date. Man, Sky Living is going to be so furious. Smith’s all “I was so nervous because I fancied him so much that I couldn’t sing”, and Jessie grins “yeah, that’s what they all say.”

Jessie thinks their harmonies are great and congratulates them on their marvellous heterosexuality. William loves that they represent love and begs them not to break up. “That’s good advice,” admits Smith. Tom tells them they’re with the right man. Danny likes that they had a bit of energy and a bit of youth, and we all know how much Danny likes an energetic youth. Danny welcomes them to “Team Dan”, and immediately enforces a strict no-nookie policy.

Lol, no shagging

Well, at least they look amused rather than relieved. That bodes well. Backstage, Smith admits that she thought she was going to be the first person to wet herself live on stage on The Voice.

Don't pee on my guitar

The first person other Tom, I assume. His bladder ain’t what it used to be. Back in the room, Jessie frets that she’s too picky (yeah, looks like it so far) and wonders if that’s why she’s single.

Next up, Auditionee #8:

Audition 8: Liam Tamne

He’s currently playing Enjolras in Les Misérables in the West End, and is very proud of his musical theatre background (let’s see how long that lasts on this show), but has wanted to be a recording artiste from a very young age. Bollocks – no young person has ever wanted to be “a recording artist”. At least, no young person that didn’t get their head shoved into the toilet bowl by their elder siblings immediately after expressing that wish. Just say “pop star”, you pretentious oaf. Liam tells Holly that he’s singing “Maxwell’s ‘This Woman’s Work’, but it’s actually originally by Kate Bush?” Wow, thanks for that NONFORMATION, Cheryl Cole. Next you’ll be telling us that Leona Lewis wasn’t the first person to record ‘Run’ either. (I love that Holly says “Kate Bush!” before Liam does. Imagine Holly Willoughby being more cred than you.) The plinky piano of mournfulness kicks in, and Liam says that this song means a lot to him because of his nan, who raised him from a young age.

Deedle-dee, deedle-dee, this is The Nan

Last year, she became very ill, and THEN SHE DIED. Hey, remember when this show tried to sell itself on the idea that it wasn’t going to be all about sob stories like The X Factor? Liam blathers on about this song making him stand outside himself and bringing acceptance, and how he can finally put his nan at rest because she always wanted him to be a recording artist, and he just knows she’s watching him FROM THE BEYOND. At this point, even Niki Evans is like “you’re laying it on a bit thick, love.”

Of course, he’s a bloke singing loudly and in falsetto, so

Falsetto-etto-etto-eh-eh-eh
Team Danniam
DAYUM
And Tom makes four

these bozos lap it up, and Liam breaks out the prayer hands once it’s all over. Oh, for crying out loud. Liam talks about how it means a lot to him because of PERSONAL REASONS, and he’s so proud that they turned around because otherwise HIS GRAN WOULD’VE DIED FOR NOTHING. Jessie tells him “you sound like so many singers that I listen to, and that’s very rare.” So close, and yet so far, eh Jessie? She wants him on her team because he excites her, and because he’s really cute. Maybe the two are connected, I wouldn’t like to presume. Danny talks about the hairs on his arms standing on end, and asks what Liam’s background is. Liam mentions that he’s in musical theatre, and Danny’s all “WHAT? MUSICAL THEATRE?!” and hammers frantically at his button, trying in vain to turn his chair back the other way. Tom thought he was a girl when he started singing, and when the lower register came in, he thought it must be a duo. William thought it was a choir. And Steven thought it was a mess. But I didn’t get a chair or a whooshy button, so nobody cares what I think.

Liam get all “oh, I HONESTLY didn’t expect this! Oh, this is SO hard!” about the decision-making process. I half expect his dead grandmother to shimmer into view and hiss “PIIIIIIIICK TOOOOOOOOM JOOOOOOONES!” or something. Danny tries yelling out that “Liam is an Irish name!” while William counters that his name is William, so they’re perfectly matched! Ultimately, Liam picks William, and Jessie

RARRRGH JESSIE SMASH!

does not take rejection well. Looks like someone spent a bit too much time hanging out with BECKY SMASH last year, doesn’t it?

Coming up next, it’s Audition #9:

Audition 9: Kym Mazelle

IT’S ONLY BLOODY KYM MAZELLE! Regrettably, Kym Mazelle is set-up as a nutty ’90s diva from the very beginning, so we all know where this is going. She’s had some career highlights:

Not entirely sure what's going on here, to be honest
K-Y-M on T-O-T-P

and then “took some time out of the music industry”, but now she’s BACK! She mentions in an offhand sort of way that despite her years of experience, she’s not good with auditions because the nerves get to her and then her voice goes. Let’s get through this as quickly as possible, shall we?

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Insert Ring Of Fire joke here
There is no excuse for this. None.

I have no idea why anyone in their right mind would choose to audition with an easy-listening version of ‘Ring Of Fire’. I don’t know why Kym Mazelle would choose to do it either. This all seems very sketchy to me.

Afterwards, Kym seems to have been poorly briefed on the whole thing because she asks for William’s help getting down the stairs, and is a bit surprised when he tells her she has to stay there for a bit. She talks about singing with Soul II Soul and no one apart from William has even the faintest idea what that means, and seriously, fuck this show. William thanks her for being a pioneer and trailblazing his career for him, so he can stay, but everyone else can shove it.

Audition #10, then:

Audition 10: Nadeem Leigh

In the spirit of the show, I’m trying very hard not to prejudge him on the basis of that haircut. I really am. He talks about how inspirational his mother was, until she died when he was 19. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but: dead relatives? Again? Already? He “experienced quite a lot of addiction and homelessness” as a result, but even at his lowest times, he always wanted to sing and perform. He refers to music as “spiritual lubricant”. I hear that’s very useful for spiritual buttsex.

This isn't going to fit in the end-of-recap poll either

I think he chose this particular mash-up just to really fuck with the people who create the song tables on Wikipedia for each episode. Yeah, this is what I think of your CHARACTER LIMITS! Danny’s doing the eyes-closed-head-nodding along with the song so you know he’s feeling it, and he turns, threatening murder on William if he dares to turn as well. Yeah, because William copying Danny’s instincts was always the problem. Anyway, he gets his wish as

If I must...

Nadeem defaults to Team Danny. (Interesting fact: Danny has turned for six of the ten auditionees so far in this episode, and nobody has opted to join his team voluntarily.) Danny remains standing and says that he’s been waiting for someone to come on and sing U2 with a bit of passion. What a thrilling life he must lead. Jessie gets all corny and tells Nadeem that sometimes she just can’t bring herself to fight against the other coaches because the singer is just a perfect match for them, and Nadeem has finally found what he’s looking for (geddit?) in Danny. Danny’s all “the rest of youse just don’t understand how hard it is to play guitar and sing that flawlessly!” Oh Danny. Just because we don’t care, doesn’t mean we don’t understand. Danny tells Nadeem he can totally give up the busking now, and that he’s going to text the guys from U2 and tell them to check it out. And the guys from U2 will contact their network providers and see about getting a block put on that nuisance caller. Danny hugs Nadeem and sings “I just found what I’m looking for!”, again in a manner that suggests he’s really not at all familiar with the song that he just heard.

Audition #11 features one of our youngest contestants this year:

Audition 11: Nick Dixon

Nick won a singing competition at a campsite when he was five

Aw, wook at his widdle face, etc.

and that convinced him that he had what it takes. However, he’s struggled with his confidence in the past, but with the help of his parents and a charity called Red Dreams, he’s managed to get his confidence levels back up. Well, nothing can stop him now, right?

I Might Actually Give Up
Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon
…doh

(The best part of that whole thing: Holly threatening to go out there and push the button herself. I can’t begin to tell you how much I wish Holly had her own button. Just imagine what Team Holly would end up looking like.) Nick tells them that he’s 16, and Danny

Yeah, it's too late to press the button now, D-Man

feels really bad about that. Jessie tells him that 16 is young (THANKS JESSIE!) and that his voice will mature and change in the next two years, and turn into something that will make her press her button. It’s just such a shame this show will have been cancelled by then. Tom wishes him luck, and William invites him to come back and audition next year. It’s just such a shame this show will have been cancelled by then. Danny tells Nick that he probably would’ve walked it on “any other show” (like…?) and that the rest of the UK probably thinks they’re all idiots. Well, yes, but probably not for the reasons you think, guy. Jessie adds “yeah, because we can’t see you! We don’t know you’re 16!” Yes, Jessie, that’s the point of the show. You can’t make a virtue out of it one minute and then use it as an excuse five minutes later. Danny wishes that he could turn back time and press the button, knowing that Nick’s only 16. Jessie and Tom echo that Nick should come back next year. It’s just such a shame this show will have been cancelled by then.

There follows a montage of how being a coach on The Voice is the most difficult job in the world BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE THE SINGERS. I’m going to treat that entire segment with the contempt it deserves.

Anyway, speaking of coming back next year, it’s Audition #12.

Audition 12: Alys Williams

It’s Alys Williams! She auditioned last year and nobody turned around, so she’s back to redeem herself. (Incidentally, the coaches revealed at the launch for this series that we’d see somebody returning who’d been rejected in series one, but I’m kicking myself because I was convinced it would be Harriet Whitehead. Oh well.) She got quite good feedback despite not advancing to the battle rounds, so she thought maybe she’d come back and see if she could not choke this time. It’s always nice to have a dream, after all.

Mmm, crossfade-y

She does stumble slightly over one of the early lines, but she recovers well, and she does actually have quite a nice voice to listen to. And it’s probably quite brave of her to pick a song with the line “I won’t let you choke on the noose around your neck” in it. Anyway, there’s good news for Alys this time around:

He was awake when he pressed the button, it just doesn't look like it
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD

And there’s more where that came from.

Everyone turns! Just this one, everyone turns!

Well, I think she’s officially feeling vindicated now. Then we get the always-fun bit where the coaches pretend they weren’t briefed about this and totally remember it of their own accord.

I've noticed you around. I find you very attractive.

So Jessie’s all “I remember you! From last year! And we didn’t turn around! And I wish we did! And now here you are and we did!” Thanks for that recap, Jessie, but we did actually see the previous five minutes of the show, and we’re already up to speed. Danny crows that this just proves how good all their advice was after they rejected her last year, and Tom compliments Alys for picking the perfect song for her voice. Danny liked that he could hear her accent in there as well. Jessie tells her that when she’s at home she listens to music like Alys’s (and that’s a rare thing, don’t forget) and in order to mentor a female voice, she needs a female coach. Just like last year’s female winner was mentored by Thomasina Jones. Jessie adds that it’s a vocal competition, and it’s hard to be coached by someone who can’t sing the notes that you want to sing. William points out what I just said, that Tom mentored Leanne to victory last year, and that he learned loads of tricks from that. So she should definitely pick either Tom or William. Jessie asks Alys what size feet she has, and promises to share shoes with her. Mmmm, hygienic. Jessie pretends to be concerned for Alys by saying that she’ll “disappear” in the other teams”. Yours is the team with the most people currently on it, Jessie, so there are probably better arguments than that one.

Anyway, it’s time for Alys to make a decision, and she dithers for an absolute age, to the point where everyone is screaming OH FOR GOD’S SAKE WELSHY, JUST HURRY UP AND PICK TOM JONES ALREADY, and eventually even the editors start to take the piss out of her.

12 minutes later
15 minutes later

Eventually, we come back to a point where everyone waiting has grown a full moustache and beard (including Alys herself), and even Holly’s all

MAKE A DECISION, YOU TURTLE-FACED BITCH!

“fuck this, I’m having a nice sit down and a mug of Bovril”. At the 23 minute mark, Alys asks “have you ever had anyone take this long?” and Jessie replies “no, but take your time.” Heh. Then, to the surprise of precisely nobody, Alys picks Tom.

Welsh contestant picks Tom, film at 11

FINALLY. GOD. “I nearly went with everyone at some point in my head,” Alys admits backstage. Dear, we know. We were there.

THE END.

All work and no play makes Holly a dull girl

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22 thoughts on “The Voice 2 : Episode 2 (Auditions 2)

  1. Ali

    Fabulous re-cap as ever! Did you see Jessie give Will a sly wink when Danny picked that teen-duo? Hmmm……
    Btw, I also went to a primary school with a Mrs D Sharpe….my parent’s neighbour too!

    Reply
  2. Ferny

    lol @ Aleks Josh’s sulky face. He was less mature than Jedward.

    I am still confused why the face that Trevor is 30 got a round of applause?? Usually that only happens when they’re 82 and they get clapped for not being dead.

    Reply
    1. stevenperkins

      I didn’t really get it either. Maybe it’s just becoming more and more like The X Factor and they were applauding the fact that he’s reached the age of 30 and still managed to serve as a functional member of society.

      Reply
  3. Tim

    Has Alys made up her mind yet? I gave up waiting …

    Surely we could speed things up by automatically funnelling anyone with a Welsh accent into Team Tom and anyone who is an absolute no-hoper into Team Danny?

    Reply
  4. Catherine

    I said it on Twitter and I’ll say it again: it was heartbreaking to see Kym Mazelle, a woman who sang in Soul II Soul and with Maceo Parker, debasing herself on a cut-rate reality “singing” programme. Scare quotes used WITH ALL POSSIBLE SARCASM. That is really quite enough of that particular stunt, producers.

    Reply
  5. Monaogg

    Too obviously “Alas Smith & Jones” with a real identity issue for Jones. Golden rule guys, never wipe your mouth after a girl kisses you if you want to kiss her again.

    Nick (who for some odd reason looks like a younger version of my Brother in Law) got the most votes in the public predictor game. Just goes to show what we know?

    Reply
  6. Breppo

    Watched the show yesterday. Was busy finally upgrading the OS from Windows XP to 8 and it took some time to tweak out all the Metro crap.Talking about tweaking, after last year’s not so good performance, I was expecting the Beeb to tinker with the format to boost the ratings. Well,so far it seems like they’ve done nothing of the sort. It’s just the same cliché’d bull from last year times two.
    Anyway, thanks for a very entertaining recap.

    Reply
    1. stevenperkins

      I think most of the tinkering has come in the form of “more blind auditions, fewer live shows”, although apparently there’s a new Knockout round or summat after the battles. I still haven’t quite figured out how that one works.

      Reply

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