Dancing On Ice Monkies 2013

It will come as a surprise to nobody that the mostly hotly contested category here is “Worst Celebrity – Personality”.

Best Judge :

By far the biggest beneficiary of the judging panel shake-up, Robin Cousins is your winner once more, with 57% of you selecting him as your favourite. Sure he lost a bit of his shine by annoying the public by failing abjectly in his duty as Head Judge of throwing flowers and kisses at Beth when it was announced she won, screeching “OMG BETHGODDESS SLAYIN ALL YOUR FAVOS, THEY COULD NEVER!”. But really…what were the alternatives? KAREN?!

  • 2nd – Jason Gardiner : 19%
  • 3rd – Ashley Roberts : 18%
  • 4th – Karen Barber : 6%

Best Host :

Pictured here with a preview of the new judging line-up for Series 9. Note the placing of Flopsy Bunny and Snoopy between Mr & Mrs Crocodile in order to keep them separate during their bitter divorce. Anyway, it seems you’re all getting used to Blankley, a bit, as she gains 11% on her standing from last year, meaning Phillip now only wins 78 : 22. Those 22% of you? All probably paedos, and Phillip will be passing a list of your names to David Cameron forthwith.

Best Torvill or Dean :

She’s talking about Dean’s virginity, kids. That’s right, Torvill claims her third victory in a row in this category, with a mighty 82% of the vote, 8% more than last year. I guess it helps the less integrally linked to the show’s choreography you are…

Most Bullshit Elimination :

Potentially permanently incapacitating head trauma be damned, at least Gareth could have made the final a bit less of a complete foregone conclusion. You know, by 5% or so. If only Samia hadn’t gone the week before – even with a concussion Gavin probably would have managed to do more skating in a Skate-Off than she ever did. Gareth wins with the backing of 60% of you.

  • 2nd – Shayne Ward : 44%
  • 3rd – Oona King MP : 36%
  • 4th – Keith Chegwin : 30%
  • 5th – Pamela Anderson : 16%

Best Celebrity – Personality :

That’s right, the most engaging personality this year was Keith Chegwin. 54% of you voted for Keith Chegwin as being one of the most sparkling and lovable presences in this year’s Dancing On Ice. No wonder the ratings went down the shitter is it?

  • 2nd – Gareth Thomas : 52%
  • 3rd – Beth Tweddle : 33%
  • 4th – Oona King MP : 16%
  • 5th – Joe Pasquale : 13%

Best Celebrity – Talent :

84% of you picked Tweddle to take the medal, which is somehow even more than the margin of victory she achieved in the actual show. Who knew that numbers even went that high?

  • 2nd – Matt Lapinskas : 51%
  • 3rd – Gareth Thomas : 48%
  • 4th – Luke Campbell : 5%
  • 5th – Keith Chegwin : 4%

Worst Celebrity – Personality :

So, the nation’s love affair with all things TOWIE is officially over then. Apparently one episode of Lauren Goodger was enough for 40% of you. Incidentally, every single one of the top four here were leading at one point or another. Anthea Turner not being in the top 5 here is probably the BIGGEST SHOCKER IN THE HISTORY OF THE MONKIES, yes? (She came 6th).

  • 2nd – Matt Lapinskas : 37%
  • 3rd – Joe Pasquale : 33%
  • 4th – Samia Ghadie : 31%
  • 5th – Pamela Anderson : 16%

Worst Celebrity – Talent :

Vicky’s looking well isn’t she? Not a close one here, as Joe took down the votes of 75% of you for the worst skater of the series.

  • 2nd – Lauren Goodger : 50%
  • 3rd – Samia Ghadie : 24%
  • 4th – Pamela Anderson : 13%
  • 5th – Anthea Turner : 11%

King Of All Pros :

OMG SO URBAN! Triple Crown Holder Daniel Whiston is finally your favourite, deposing erstwhile favourite Matt Evers. The reasons for this were, I expect, partly because of that weird showmance that Matt decided he was going to have with Pamela Anderson, and partly because his arse was barely visible around her novelty tits. 39% of you gave your love to Karen Barber’s best friend and Subway co-franchisee. Personally I voted for the guy whose arm fell out and carried on skating anyway, but…you know true heroism I guess.

  • 2nd – Matt Evers : 27%
  • 3rd – Mark Hanretty : 20%
  • 4th – Sylvain Longchambon : 13%
  • 5th – Michael Zenezini : 1%

Queen Of All Pros :

Pictured in happier times, the hard-faced Briochey Briannetosaurus is your favourite female Dancing On Ice pro. Or, at least, the one who caused you the most mirth. 31% of you love her best. HAIL YOUR QUEEN!

  • 2nd – Robin John Stone : 24%
  • 3rd – Granny Maria : 23%
  • 4th – Vicky Ogden : 11%
  • 5th – Jenna Smith : 8%

Best Routine Of The Series :

Because if there’s one thing the world needs, it’s more exposure for Emily Sunday, 43% of you selected Beth Tweddle’s searing portrayal of psychic pain and arse-groping as one of your favourite routines of this, the 8th series of Dancing Of Ice.

  • 2nd – Beth & Dan : Angel : 42%
  • 3rd – Gareth & Robin : Hall Of Fame : 35%
  • 4th – Beth & Dan : We Found Love : 25%
  • 5th – Matt & Brianne : Bad : 20%
  • 6th – Matt & Brianne : A Change Is Gonna Come
  • 7th – Gareth & Robin : The Best Is Yet To Come
  • 8th= Matt vs Gareth : The Devil Came Down To Georgia
  • 8th= Beth & Dan : 5,6,7,8
  • 8th= Team Matt : Can’t Touch This



7 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice Monkies 2013

  1. Ferny

    Torvill/Dean and best judges ones were hard but in very different (opposite) ways.

    Have to say Matt was the best to watch for me but….y’know…personality and stuff

    Wanted Gareth to win for most of the series so that went well for me.

    1. monkseal Post author

      To me, everyone felt very one note this year. I can’t really think of anybody who really excelled at more than one type of performance in the way past contestants have. Matt was good at the punchy graceless stuff, but him flapping round the ice tar and feathered to classical music just felt plum stupid and it’s fairly obvious Beth could only do flowing and elegant and lyrical.

  2. Penny

    I wish to make it clear that in voting for Gareth as a BS elimination, my anger is with the world in general (cf Jade Johnson) rather than the DOI Powers That Be (cf DS conspiracy loons).

  3. Ferny

    lol @ urban Dan
    I thought that picture of Lauren Goodger was Trisha Penrose for a minute there and I wondered if I hadn’t in fact been asleep for some of this series and missed something.

    Let’s think about if Gareth had not been ill …because the extremely likely outcome of that would be that Matt would have not been able to do the Bolero – and just imagine the judge’s faces THEN. Would have been a picture.
    I am genuinely surprised by just how low his votes were…consistently…I mean I though he was the best skater no? But then I lost a lot of interest after Keith left so who am I to judge?

    1. monkseal Post author

      Based on Celeb BB, whether Tricia Penrose is cast or not, her level of input to any given reality show is about the same.

      I think the things with Matt were, in no particular order :

      1) BBC Celebrity
      2) BBC “Celebrity”
      3) Overly Emotional Basket Case
      4) “Street Style” dancing
      5) That weird-ass routine where he was the Black Swan and it was just awful.
      6) “Slam Dunk Da Funk”
      7) Brioche being at her most hard-faced and aggressive
      8) Male winner overload
      9) The judges going DefCon 1 when he wasn’t really all that.


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