American Idol 2013 – Top 10 Girls

In which Nicki and Kree form a Minaj-à-deux.

Zoanette Johnson: Oh Zoanette. For reasons that I never entirely understood I grew enormously attached to you during the audition process: you were a strange and wonderful person whose singing wasn’t always pleasant to listen to, but whose performances were rarely unmemorable. Of course, I knew that our time together was numbered, because I was never crazy enough to think that America was going to vote for her, but I wish she’d gone out in truly bonkerstacular style. Instead we got a rather lukewarm rendition of ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It’ that was far from her finest hour, but at least it was still uniquely Zoanette. I will always treasure the (false) memories of the things we could’ve had if only America had truly known how to understand her, but sadly it was not to be. SCORE: 7/10 (FOR WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN).

(I think if you truly appreciated what could have been you wouldn’t be throwing pity points at this squandering of it : 1/10)

Breanna Steer: I enjoyed Breanna’s presence during the Sudden Death rounds, in that she dressed like a lesbian from the 90s and did a song that wasn’t a ballad, and quite frankly that was enough. So I was glad that she made the top 10 Girls so we could see what really lay behind that aggressive beshoulder-padded facade. And then she did an indifferent Beyonce album-filler ballad whilst pulling constant Dreamworks Smirk and then pulled the truly desperate manoeuvre of telling us that the song was about a mystery man, but she WOULDN’T TELL US WHO unless we put her in the Live Finals. Guess what Breanna? No 1 curr. I did enjoy how she’s from Laplace LA. That means “The place, the” in French. SCORE : 3/10

(It’s a very brave woman who picks a song that starts with the line “I’m a trainwreck in the morning : 5/10)

Aubrey Cleland: Leave it to Aubrey to point out the obvious by telling us that if you grew up in Oregon, you’re not used to performing in Vegas every day. I mean, I know they’re on the same side of the country, but that’d still be one bugger of a commute, wouldn’t it? Sadly I think Aubrey’s Vegas days are well and truly behind her, as this performance of Fergie’s ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ was rather sad. Between this and Breanna’s performance it looked like it was really going to be a night of overly-indulgent self-empowerment songs, but at least Breanna’s song was faintly tolerable – I’ve never had much time for ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’, and I say that as somebody who really liked Fergie’s solo album. That wasn’t the only problem either: Aubrey’s voice wasn’t up to this song, so she lost it on the chorus and made some very unpleasant sounds on the lower notes. Perhaps the biggest problem was the fact that the performance seemed to go on for-fucking-ever and I was well and truly over it before it was halfway through. SCORE: 3/10

(I am giving her bonus points for apparently thinking she can turn “Big Girls Don’t Cry” into Bohemian Rhapsody. SCORE : 5/10)

Janelle Arthur: COUNTRYBOT ACTIVATE! Every American Idol season needs its own insincere blonde force of backwoods charm, and this year that hurricane of hickery comes in the form of Janelle Arthur, wandering in like something Kris Kristoffersen would fuckdump in Nashville. SHE COMES FROM A LITTLE TOWN YOU AINT NEVUH EVEN HERD AHF! SHE LIKES MARSHMELLIES! SHE JUST TRAHN TAH BE HER! SHE AINT GONNA BE CHANGING HER SEL FOR NO MERICAN AHDUL BUT SHE SURE DO PRECIATE THE ARRRPURRRCHOOONERRRTEEEE Y’ALL! You can’t say the girl doesn’t understand her appeal to America I guess, punting out some vintage Elvis Presley with a country twang. Whatever she did, it worked, earning her spot in the final as this year’s Girl The Internet Can’t Stand. If her whole appeal to me could be summed up in one accidentally damning judges comment it would be “There’s a huge gaping hole and there’s people who want that”. SCORE : 4/10

IMPROMPTU COUNTRYBOT RANKING :

1. Carrie Underwear
2. The Colonel
3. Lauren Alaina, falling down the stairs
4. Kellie Pickler
5. Shannon Migraine
6. Arthur Janelle

(I don’t care for this song or her voice : 3/10)

Tenna Torres: First of all, if there is one E and two Ns, how can it be pronounced “Tina”? IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. Anyway, I liked Tenna before she even started singing because she realised the importance of receiving hairstyle advice from Nicki Minaj (can we talk for a second about how Nicki Minaj is far and away the best judge the show has this year, and also probably the best judge the show’s had in several years? She’s doing a fine job right now). This was one of the performances where Chris and I had very different reactions: I think I was feeling more generous to Tenna because I felt like, despite the obvious problems tonight, she’s got one of the better voices of this year’s crop. It’s just a shame that she doesn’t seem to have any control over it, so as a result this song was out the door and halfway down the road before she’d even got her slippers on, and by the end of it she was basically her own instant Goat Edition. Still, the performance wasn’t a total washout because it did lead to this critique from Nicki: “I like your hair, there. I like your boobs too. Randy shut up, acting like some goody-two-shoes. No, because it wasn’t too much, it was just right. Classy.” ❤ SCORE: 5/10

(Two Words : Tenna Shady : 2/10)

Angela Miller: See, this is the problem with reality shows that are based in countries where I don’t live; I had no idea that Colton Dixon was writing songs that people were hearing, and I certainly had no idea that they were popular enough for other people to perform on Idol. *”The More You Know” star shoots across the screen.* As far as Angela herself goes, I’m in a strange position because I feel like I’m going to find her intensely irritating as the season continues, but I can’t pretend that this wasn’t one of the best, if not the best, performances of the night. She felt very capable and professional and was (presumably) playing the piano herself, and generally looked like she belonged on the stage. Basically, she seems like the one who’s got the whole package and is therefore the one with the most to lose right now, and probably the one for whom it’ll all go horribly wrong around Top 7. Is there even a judges’ save this year? Still, I enjoyed the bit at the end where Ryan tried to get her to give Colton a shout-out and she turned out to be kind of doofy and have almost no personality. That was sort of sweet. And of course I enjoyed Ryan’s suggestion that COLTON DIXON IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE (AND KIND OF ENJOYING IT). SCORE: 8/10

(I loved everyone praising her for having the BALLS to pull off a COLTON DIXON song. Yeah, that one’s re-writing the American Songbook. Also there HAS to be a Judges Save because I think there’s more weeks left than actual contestants at this point. SCORE : 7/10)

Amber Holcomb: Having now watched both the Top 10 Girls and Top 10 Boys, it’s obvious that the show wants us to identify far more with the women than the men. Even Finalist Fodder like Amber Holcomb got a brief appealing jaunt around their home town, whilst the closest we got to learning anything about the home life of any of the guys was Devin Valez’s all devouring mother. Anyway, Amber Holcomb is this year’s bland African-American female mid-boot contestant, so OF COURSE she sang Whitney Houston. Or as the show phrased it, she “took on” Whitney Houston, like she’d leapt out of her gravestone as Zombie-Whitney, hungry for crack and Grammies. Amber herself was…fine? She did all the Whitney tricks and leaps and trills and hooks, and one day her voice might break and she might not sound like a 14 year old cartoon character. I live in hope. SCORE : 6/10

(What a mess : 3/10)

Kree Harrison: I’d like to apologise to Adrianna McPhee for yelling “OH MY GOD, IS THAT KAT MCPHEE’S MOM?” when she appeared on screen. I guess the McPhee family has a lot of vocal coach talent lurking around on its many branches. As for Kree Harrison, I am expecting big things from her this series, as she seems both adaptable and LOUD, which is always my favourite flavour of lady on American Idol. I just hope she starts singing some songs I actually like/recognise soon, because this felt like a really good demonstration of her technical capabilities and tone that I wouldn’t really want to listen to more than once. At least she showed that she’s got stank I guess. SCORE : 7/10

(What the hell sort of a name is Kree anyway? : 5/10)

Adriana Latonio: Speaking of spins around hometowns, Adriana Latonio was hailed as the PRIDE OF ALASKA! The whole of that great state must have been so relieved after Sarah Palin had been made irrelevant by Michelle Bachmania, and they’d been left with NOBODY. Apart from Jewell which…is really the same thing. Now they get to add a…14th (ish?) place American Idol contestant to their Walk Of Fame. I don’t really think that Adriana Latonio had much of a chance of getting through anyway, given the big hitters on the female side this series, but she certainly did a great job of making herself utterly irrelevant by wearing a pageant dress and having pageant hair and pageant hair and singing a pageant song about pageant emotions like love and world peace. Somewhere in California Simon Cowell was twitching like an angry bunny at not being allowed to critique this mess in public. SCORE : 3/10

(What, no “Palin into insignificance” gag? : 3/10)

Candice Glover: The season’s main frontrunner alongside Angela (“it’s a girl’s year to lose”, as Randy never tires of reminding us, apparently not spotting that that’s pretty much the problem: the girls have been losing since season seven), Candice’s main struggle with herself right now appears to be remembering to own her performance. Judging by tonight’s effort, I think she needn’t worry too much – she looked far more at home behind that mic than anyone else did, and her performance of ‘Ordinary People’ – a song that was done to death on The Voice UK last year – actually managed to sound distinctive and impressive. Like several of tonight’s performances, it went a little bit wrong towards the end, but I’m hoping we’ll be getting some good stuff from Candice this season. SCORE: 7/10

(I can’t wait for her to sing a song that isn’t by John Legend and for her hatred of Angela Miller to become even more of a meme than it already is. SCORE 9/10)