Strictly Come Dancing Monkies 2012

IT’S A SWEEP!

As usual, votes are given in the form of a % of all voters, not a % of votes. Truly, it is a crucial difference.

Best Safety Sex-Face

This may well be the awards starting as they mean to go on. I couldn’t possibly comment. A healthy 26.3% of you voted Pasha’s Sex Face (and also Kimberley’s, I guess, I’m sure that’s where you were all looking, definitely) as your favourite of the series, in a a very closely fought battle. So close that last year’s champion Robin Windsor could only limp home in 11th place, barely beating the 33rd airing of Ola’s Face That She Does Every Time With No Variation. Someone needs to get some practice in before next year…

  • 2nd – Tracy & Vincent – 26.0%
  • 3rd – Louis & Flavia – 22.7%
  • 4th – Colin & Kristina – 20.8%
  • 5th – Fern & Artem – 20.3%

Best Judge

And so Craig’s stranglehold on the Best Judge Monkie, which we all thought would last forever (/until the programme became unprofitable and they cancelled it) is loosened, partly because he played favourites, took his scripted put-downs to a whole new level of predictability, and tangled himself in verbal knots on a week-by-week basis, and partly because Bruno yelled “FANNY CLUB!” that one time. You’re a classy bunch. Bruno won with 36.2% of your votes.

  • 2nd – Darcey Bussell – 34.1%
  • 3rd – Craig Revell-Horwood – 25.6%
  • 4th – Len Goodman – 4.1%

Best Host

And so the novelty of Zoe Ball wore off after one year, as It Takes Two slowly descended into a never-ending loop of yelling and meerkats. Yelling about sequins, yelling about shimmies, yelling about ruffles, yelling about HOW LOUIS GOT A 6 HOW COULD YOU CRAIG, yelling about gaude, yelling about whatever they were getting Ian to dress up as now, yelling random song lyrics cause it’s RANDOM LIKE THAT, and meerkats. Claudia meanwhile, was just the same old batshit Claudia, which was enough for 65.2% of you. Bruce’s inevitable decline meanwhile continues.

  • 2nd – Zoe Ball – 25.8%
  • 3rd – Tess Daly – 5.9%
  • 4th – Bruce Forsythe – 3.1%

Best Use Of Staging/Props In A Celebrity Routine

It’s Erin Island. Nuff said. At least, for 64.5% of you. (Hi Shem!) The presence of three Charlestons in the Top Ten may well bolster the argument of those who think the dance is all style over substance. I couldn’t possibly comment. Remarkably, every single dance in this category picked up votes but the dead last loser was Lisa’s Rumba. Apparently you DON’T all want to see her live out her romantic West End dream. Good luck Strictly Confidential!

  • 2nd – Michael’s Jive – 52.5%
  • 3rd – Louis’ Tango – 47.2%
  • 4th – Denise’s Charleston – 43.6%
  • 5th – Kimberley’s Showdance – 41.3%
  • 6th – Michael’s American Smooth – 31%
  • 7th – Louis’ Showdance – 24%
  • 8th – Louis’ Charleston – 22.1%
  • 9th – Kimberley’s Charleston – 20.1%
  • 10th – Louis’ Jive – 17.3%
  • 11th – Kimberley’s Paso Doble
  • 12th – Louis’ Samba
  • 13th – Tracy’s Viennese Waltz
  • 14th – Victoria’s Quickstep
  • 15th – Fern’s Salsa

Most BS Elimination

Given that most of the eliminations this year (if not the Bottom Twos…) went to form, I do wonder if things might have ended differently with a “None Of The Above” option. As it was, the biggest hole in your collective hearts was left by the departure of CRICKET LEGUND Michael Vaughan. 46.3% of you wish that you could have eked out his stay a little longer, at least until the Viennese Waltz.

  • 2nd – Colin & Kristina – 40.7%
  • 3rd – Kimberley & Pasha – 22.5%
  • 4th – Tracy & Vincent – 17.5%
  • 5th – Nicky & Karen – 16.9%

Best Week

That picture representing “Bruceless Week”. I think the clue as to why it won (with the votes of 62.5% of you) may be in the name. It was undoubtedly a relief to many to be spared the Beknighted One’s dodgy jokes, autocue misreads, and those occasional moments where you’re not quite sure if he’s having a stroke. To be fair, that week did see some of the best and most memorable dancing of the series (Denise’s paso doble, Tracy’s tango, Louis’ waltz, Fern’s triumphant salsa, Kimberley’s doomed Viennese Waltz, Lisa’s foxtrot, and one of the dances where Victoria DIDN’T CRY) so maybe you voted on PURITY OF DAHNCE. First time for everything…

  • 2nd – Hallowe’en Week – 35.4%
  • 3rd – Fusion Week – 23.2%
  • 4th – Two Dance Week – 19.3%
  • 5th – Finals Week – 16.4%

Best Guest Performer

It is literally ALL she does these days isn’t it? 31.9% of you voted to encourage Paloma Faith to carry on hacking out a career based solely on performances on the results shows of BBC 1 Reality Shows. That she hasn’t been a reward on The Apprentice yet is God’s own mystery. Incidentally, the three days Mika remained on 0 votes were amongst the greatest of my life.

  • 2nd – Michael Buble – 27.1%
  • 3rd – Girls Aloud – 23.1%
  • 4th – Kylie Minogue – 21.6%
  • 5th – Andrea Bocelli – 18.5%

Best Pro/Group Dance Of The Series

CHECK OUT THE PHOTOSHOP WORK ON THIS BAD BOY! Yes the clash between the virtues of ballroom and the dirty filthy vices of latin was your favourite pro or group dance this year. And there was I thinking that, given that it was a relatively lean year for pro dances, you were all going to default to the annual Argentine Tango showcase. More fool me. Instead 45.7% of you opted to vote your preference for this epic tale of lust, envy, pride, and Anton trying not to wet himself laughing as Kristina shoved her boobs in his face. Again, every single pro dance received at least one vote. The ones revolving around Katherine Jenkins did…less well.

  • 2nd – Midnight Tango – 31.4%
  • 3rd – THRILLER! – 22.3%
  • 4th – The Male Pros Are Vegas Strippers – 19.6%
  • 5th – The Female Pros Dance With Flawless – 15.9%
  • 6th – The Gatsby Dance – 13.7%
  • 7th – Erin & Anton waltz for Buble – 12.36%
  • 8th – Spooky Toxic Bondage Ballroom – 11.6%
  • 9th= – Celebrity Finals Show Carnage – 11%
  • 9th= – Pasha & Iveta jive for Dionne Warwick – 11%

Worst Comedy VT

I can’t decide if this means that you’re not Children Of The 80s or if it means you very much ARE. 35.9% of you were not here for Jive Bunny.

  • 2nd – Sid channels his inner Rock Gods – 31.6%
  • 3rd – Louis doesn’t know he’s beautiful – 27.3%
  • 4th – Lisa is Morecombe, Robin is none the wiser – 22.4%
  • 5th= – Fern is haunted by a demonic mariachi band – 20.7%
  • 5th= – Denise, James & the Sock Puppets – 20.7%
  • 7th – Sid & Iveta go camping – 20.1%
  • 8th – Tracy goes speed-dating – 18.7%
  • 9th – Richard & Erin’s Date Night – 18.1%
  • 10th – Richard is haunted by O Fortuna – 16.4%
  • 11th – Lisa stalks Robin home
  • 12th – Dani IS Vincent
  • 13th – Tracy Doo, Where Are You?
  • 14th – Lisa Goes To Hogwarts
  • 15th – Nicky’s Murder House

King Of All Pros

It’s a second year for Pasha as King Of All Strictly pros, as he takes home the trophy with 48.5% of the vote, 0.8% up on his winning total from last year. In other news, Artem had a slow year, Vincent had a good one, Brendan lost some of his shine without “Rent-A-Pro”, and Anton lost a lot of his without Nancy.

  • 2nd – Artem Chigvintsev – 20.2%
  • 3rd – Vincent Simone – 14.7%
  • 4th – Brendan Cole – 8.2%
  • 5th – James Jordan – 4.7%

Queen Of All Pros

No, really Natalie, they voted for you to be Queen Of Strictly Pros 2012. A frankly terrifying 56.3% of them. Presumably because this is the year that Natalie showed her talent in creating both amazing routines and amazingly awful routines. In other news, winning only inches Flavia forwards a little in the vote, Ola makes it on the board, Kristina falls off it, and the campaign to make Iveta a permanent fixture (sort of) starts here!

  • 2nd – Flavia Cacace – 23.1%
  • 3rd – Erin Boag – 10.7%
  • 4th – Iveta Lukosiute – 3.9%
  • 5th – Ola Jordan – 3.2%

Worst Celeb – Personality

Truly, Lisa’s had the greatest Strictly JOURNEY this year. From humble lovable underdog “Little Lisa From Manchester” to the monstrous ego that claimed to have invented the cha-cha (or whatever it was she said she did) never has a Strictly contestants had such a PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION. And this is your reward to her for it. THE SHAME. 37.3% of you chose her as one of the least edifying contestant this year, personality wise at least.

  • 2nd – Sid Owen – 26.6%
  • 3rd – Denise Van Outen – 26.1%
  • 4th – Jerry Hall – 24.6%
  • 5th – Victoria Pendleton – 21%

Worst Celeb – Talent

Because presenting herself to Anton, sexually, was the closest Jerry ever got to dancing. 65.5% of you had her as the worst dancer of this series. Speaking of Anton, this makes it THREE YEARS IN A ROW that his celebrities have won this award. What a teacher. What a dancer. What a PRO.

  • 2nd – Victoria Pendleton – 38.5%
  • 3rd – Johnny Ball – 35.3%
  • 4th – Sid Owen – 21.8%
  • 5th – Lisa Riley – 17%

Best Celeb – Personality

And based on his presenting at the Olympics, who would have thought he even had one? 61.7% of you decided that Michael Vaughan was your Personality Of The Year. Really it was getting his chopper out what won it isn’t it?

  • 2nd – Kimberley Walsh – 41.6%
  • 3rd – Louis Smith – 22.3%
  • 4th – Tracy Beaker – 13.9%
  • 5th – Nicky Byrne – 11.2%

Best Celeb – Talent

Your winner ladies and gentlemen, her at the back from Girls Aloud. Whilst last year Pasha’s partner was pipped for this title, this year she took it with ease, with 76.6% of you opting for her as one of your two options in the three horse race that was Strictly Come Dancing 2012.

  • 2nd – Denise Van Outen – 56.2%
  • 3rd – Louis Smith – 46.1%
  • 4th – Tracy Beaker – 12%
  • 5th – Michael Vaughan – 2.9%

Best Dance Of The Series

Continuing in the tradition of my blog readers loving American Smooths that piss Len off, Kimberley Walsh takes home her final Monkie in this category, winning the votes of 48.5% of you. Over the course of this series, Kimberley really found her home aping the movie stars of the early 20th century, with added sexy poutiness. Maybe she can make a concept album about it or something.

  • 2nd – Kimberley Walsh’s Fusion : It’s Raining Men – 38.3%
  • 3rd – Michael Vaughan’s American Smooth : New York, New York – 38%
  • 4th – Denise Van Outen’s Charleston : Walk Like An Egyptian – 37%
  • 5th – Kimberley Walsh’s Tango : When Doves Cry – 31.8%
  • 6th – Louis Smith’s Showdance : Rule The World – 28.5%
  • 7th – Louis Smith’s Tango : Disturbia – 26%
  • 8th – Louis Smith’s Salsa : (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life – 23%
  • 9th – Kimberley Walsh’s Charleston : Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines – 22.3%
  • 10th – Michael Vaughan’s Jive : This Old House – 19.5%
  • 11th – Louis Smith’s Charleston : Dr Wanna Do
  • 12th – Michael Vaughan’s Quickstep : That Old Black Magic
  • 13th – Denise Van Outen’s Jive : Tutti Frutti
  • 14th – Louis Smith’s Fusion : With Or Without You
  • 15th – Lisa Riley’s Cha Cha : Think
  • 16th – Kimberley Walsh’s Viennese Waltz : A Thousand Years
  • 17th – Denise Van Outen’s Tango : Roxanne
  • 18th – Tracy Beaker’s Fusion : Happy Feet
  • 19th – Denise Van Outen’s Showdance : What A Feeling
  • 20th – Tracy Beaker’s Argentine Tango : Libertango
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75 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing Monkies 2012

  1. Carl

    I can’t vote for that hideous vocal mutilation which made Michael Buble sound like Placido Domingo, so I went with the cha cha.

    I wish he’d stayed a little longer.

    Reply
  2. Neio

    Sid’s the first contestant this year I’ve felt able to vote for a dance for. It should be easier from this point on though I think.

    Reply
  3. kassieq

    Found Colin the most difficult this time, hated the AT & Salsa, couldn’t vote for a ballroom because most of the time it looked like Colin was dancing alone. So cha cha it is.

    Reply
  4. durnovarian

    Just as a matter of interest, how could Colin be guaranteed a dance later on if we *all* voted ‘none of the above’ at this stage? Know it’s unlikely, just nosey! 🙂

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I vote, and I’ve only every voted “none of the above” in one instance. No prizes for guessing for who.

      Reply
  5. kassieq

    Surprised to discover when looking through the dances how little I cared for any of Fern’s efforts, so I voted for Artem’s chest instead. I am determined not to use the none of the above option.

    Reply
  6. Carl

    I chose the last one because it was the only clever choreography from Artem all series (the “dusting and polishing” bit), and the only time Fern cared.

    Reply
    1. Allgrownup

      Likewise. The realisation that Erin Island is real was like something out of Lost (come on Google hits) “The Island was REAL” 😀

      Reply
      1. Neil K

        As is Erin’s reading of this blog. The appearance of her Island in dance prop format is so synchronous with Monkseal’s fantasies that it must be true.

        Hi Erin and the Man in the Hat (and that lovely ginger girl from Over the Rainbow – I think she was called Sophie) 😀

        If Natalie starts wearing fierce scarves at Monkseal’s bequest then I think he’ll have a coronary at the holy triumvirate all reading his wise and funny words and this blog will be no more. 😦

        I wonder who would play him in the film of his blog?

      2. monkseal Post author

        Other famous readers include Crazy French Bitch Camille, at least two Young Apprentices, apparently the entire cast of So You Think You Can Dance 2, Jade and Tom (apparently) from the last series of The Apprentice. Also some others who remian but rumours.

        Although I’m sure it’s just someone in production AT MOST reading, rather than her highness Erin Boag herself.

  7. Missfrankiecat

    I wanted two choices here because the Charlston is worth a vote but obviously Erin’s Island must make the final.

    Reply
  8. kassieq

    Disappointed I couldn’t vote for the Erin Island Turtle, thought he had better rhythm and salsa moves than Richard.

    Reply
  9. Dancing Cake

    OOps, my PMSL reply was meant to appear under Allgrownup’s Lost comment 😦

    Would never laugh at French Dorothy Camille. I liked her.

    Reply
  10. Stormy

    Of course, I had to vote for the Quickstep and the American Smooth. First dance for the breakthrough miracle it was, second because it was just that good.

    Reply
  11. Lucy

    You know what the worst thing is? Michael will never be on the list of ‘best male dancers to not have won Strictly’. He missed it by a single point.

    Oh, I voted for the Quickstep and the AS. And then rewatched the Jive and giggled for about ten minutes.

    Reply
  12. Dancing Cake

    Well, I know fairness demands that you list them all, Monkseal, but seriously, Michael’s jive and his AS were the only possible choices (and not individually, taken as a pair).

    If ever you had to sum up Strictly, that’s all you would need. That “jive” and that topping-the-bill-at -Wembley AS What the j word is all abaht.

    Bye, Michael and Natalie. I didn’t actually want you to win the whole thing, but … *sobs*

    Reply
  13. Little Nemo

    This is where I realise that I wasn’t a Louis fan. I struggled to pick 2 routines for him because they just weren’t memorable for me, most of them were just a bit meh. Even though the other couples had worse dances they at least all had two or three WOW dances to balance them out.

    Could we have a whip round for Vincent next year and get him a slightly more graceful version of Dani?

    Pasha needs a non-finalist for next year. Can’t believe he has choreographed 2 generic-latin-with-dodgy-lifts showdances. He obviously learned NOTHING from last year 😉

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      The Final Two were supposed to get 5 each, but they never announced who was second (obviously). I decided beforehand that IF they did this (on the basis that they’d done it on The Voice it was always possible) that I’d give 2nd/3rd based on amount of Bottom 2s, and past that on who’d survived the worst leaderboard positions. I didn’t TELL anybody that, but that’s what I decided. Then I asked people on the night if there was a better solution in the turnaround time, and there wasn’t one. I figure if people think it’s unfair they can rectify it via repechage.

      Reply
    1. Allgrownup

      I was going to post the exact same thing.

      Going through these lists made me realise what an un-vintage year this really was. I struggled to remember most things. Voted for three Kimbot dances and one of DeKnees and Louis each for best dances but I really had to struggle to complete the five.

      Natalie for Queen of Pros (in the absence of Katya *sniff*)

      Reply
  14. PadsterMo

    It really hasn’t been a vintage year, has it? A few obvious choices in there – mainly involving Kimberley/Pasha or Michael/Natalie – but for quite a few it was more of a ‘least bad’ than ‘best’ option.

    No Monkie for Worst Outfit Worn By A Presenter? Or are there so many candidates that the servers can’t handle it? (Tess’ first final dress, or Claudia’s Underwear-as-Outerwear BTW)

    Reply
  15. Ferny

    I feel I may be banned from this blog for my opinion here, but I really like Charlestons and my favourite dances this year were Nicky’s and Denise’s Charleston, followed by Louis’s and Kimberleys (although a couple of tangos and a notable jive are in the mix too). And, perhaps even worse, I quite like the VTs for terribleness…in fact looking through the list did raise a chuckle – I mean, come one, Nicky’s murder house was excellent! It’s always worth it to see Pasha acting bless him.

    Halloween week is always the best.

    Reply
  16. Kkonline

    Why don’t we get to vote for worst judge? With an option to select at least three. Even Craig was lacklustre this year and the best only by default. Ditto, worst presenter.

    Reply
  17. TrevvyTrev21

    It was a magical moment when we all sat watching Strictly open-mouthed as Erin Island ACTUALLY HAPPENED! This series really was a rather dry affair, I could only pick four dances (Kimbot’s Fusion, Denises Jive and Charleston and Tracey’s Fusion) as truly memorable. Luckily SCD can survive duff years. I can’t even muster up the impetus to argue about it on DS like I usually do. :cries:

    Reply
    1. Pops

      This year fell a little bit flat for me as well, but not in a way that was the show’s fault if that makes any sense. I was quite impressed when they first unveiled the line-up, and if anything, I think the overall standard was higher than in previous years – even Michael Vaughan, who looked at one point like he might be the comedy contestant, made an extraordinary improvement – but just no one that for me anyway, had that extra little spark that makes you want to vote for them and start taking the show a little too seriously, and that’s just the luck of the draw. After all prior to series 8 and 9, I would never have anticipated how much I would love Kara and Chelsee.
      I wasn’t really that arsed about anyone in series 7 either, but for me, that whole run felt like Strictly was running out of steam – the shows were too long, the celebs were a bit D-list, Alesha hadn’t quite gelled as a judge yet, and people being sick and injured just made it all seem a bit shambolic. Then evil Moira Ross brought it roaring back to life, and now like you say, I think it can easily survive a less-than-exciting year.
      And of course, Monkseal’s blog sees us through any dull patches!

      Reply
  18. katmobile

    I agree with much of what you say Pops – there was a high standard but no one really wowed me – I actually found it hard to pick the two best dancers of the year because I felt all of the finalists were very good but no one really made me think they absolutely had to win – I did absolutely love Dani and Vincent’s VW though and Michael’s ability to surprise on the ballroom side – had he been able to master party latin I would have so wanted him to win. I kinda felt that way last year too although Jason’s tango and Chelsee’s QS were real wow dances. Maybe I’m jaded but I find in later years that wow dances don’t come obvious until after the series has finished.

    Reply
  19. Lucy

    …I laughed at the fact that Michael came 5th under ‘best talent’. And you used the best Natalie picture ever! ❤ ❤ ❤

    Also, I was less annoyed about Michael going out before the Viennese Waltz, and more annoyed about him going out on the Samba (which I hate and have hoped every year that they'd just remove it already) and…also wearing that shirt. That shirt is awful. *facepalms*

    Reply
  20. Johnny

    All my Kimberley related RAGE which had been swamped by a mountain of chocolate and christmas pudding has just come flooding back.

    Reply
  21. Left Feet

    Yay a change in best judge glad Bruno won because I thought he would be a bit off form without Alesha, he’s there to be funny and he stepped it up. Darcey had a solid debut year she was not personal to anyone but will that cut it in a second year? Both Arlene and Alesha had in their judging meomararable rants against contestents who they did not like, perhaps Darcey does not need see the need to do this. Louis Smith did not win a category I really think that he will be fogotton about in a couple of years he was not the best dancer nor the best personality and really only won because of his pecs and that it wa a home Olympics. Oh also pretty sure that a girl will win next year.

    Reply
      1. Left Feet

        Oh how mature of you wonder how long it took you to dream that one up. My points still stands unable to use a keyboard for conversation how sad.

      2. Left Feet

        I have dsylexia and I won’t change my view that Smith is a poor “champion” There are lot of things I could say to insult you after that comment but I won’t as that would not be polite.

  22. Jenny

    Yeay, Bruno as best judge and Craig drops down to THIRD – he’s been a pain this year. I actually found myself preferring Len to him.

    In fact, I will confess that I voted for Tess as best presenter – I think I would miss her if she left.

    Are you going to do your awards again this year Monkseal?

    Reply
  23. Stormy

    Ugh, Bruno. I could not forgive him for shrieking like a toddler every time someone said something he disagreed with. Not even for yelling about fannies.

    And yay for Michael. 🙂 He was a sweetheart that, even with his sudden breakthrough, never let it get to his head. Also, he was entertaining to watch screwing around in the background when we went up to the Tessanine. I’m happy to see he won something.

    Reply

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