THE VAGINAPOCALYPSE CONTINUES!
Shayne Ward & Granny Maria: So this week’s theme was “School Disco” which turned out to be “Songs From About 12 Years After You Were Born, Give Or Take” Week. Which, whilst clumsy, is still undoubtedly better as a theme than “THE DOOL”. Next week we’re getting “The Leveller” as a theme, wherein all 8 contestants will dance to a song by The Levellers. Anyway, Shayne’s Song From About 12 Years After You Were Born, Give Or Take was “Livin La Vida Loca”, which Shayne made an abortive attempt to get Jayne Torville to sing during training. She refused. And given that Jayne spent a good deal of this week dressed as the headmistress from a boarding school porno, it’s not as though she’s fussy. Speaking of which, Dean took the opportunity of Shayne skating to Ricky Martin to throw some literal choreography in. In that Livin La Vida Loca contains a line about THROWING YOUR SHIRT OFF, and Dean made Shayne THROW HIS SHIRT OFF. Twice. The second time kind of lacked the impact of the first. Not that I’m complaining, even if Shayne is heavily adorned with those tattoos that presumably are supposed to look like some sort of twisted briar of tribal thorns, but which instead just look a bit like a biohazard symbol from an alternative future where everyone with an STD gets branded. Ashley marked it as the best routine of the series so far. If you didn’t need further evidence that she’s the judging equivalent of a kitten batting at a piece of yarn. Bonus points also go to Weepy Karen for saying that she thought that the women on the panel appreciated Shayne stripping more than the men did. THEY’RE GAY KAREN.
Luke Campbell & Some Blonde : Who amongst us was not surprised that the soundtrack to Luke Campbell’s school disco was in fact Boyzone, rather than, say Justin Bieber and Stooshe. Maybe the producers noticed that he in fact was not old enough yet to even HAVE a school disco, so they just threw out whatever tune Dean had on his iPod today. They’re lucky it wasn’t Cradle Of Filth, as it so commonly is. This week in Luke Campbell was notable for two things – one the continuing adventures of Luke vs Jason (Jason decided to tell Luke what boxing was all about. I think he got it confused with Dance Dance Revolution) and two the absolute EXPLOSION of denim all over everything, making Luke’s legs look like they were made out of pipe-cleaners. I’m not sure the wardrobe department really get the appeal of having a boxer on the show. It certainly isn’t the skating.
Anthea Turner & Tommy Wiseau : Well at least she went out crazy. Did anybody really need to know about Anthea Turner’s nigh-on stalker level crush on Donny Osmond, complete with childhood photos of her running round the moors pretending to be Kathy to his dangerous brooding Heathcliffe? This was the week when Anthea Turner went so OTT bananas that the show really couldn’t support her existence any more. She got low scores, Robin cussed her out for not doing any steps that weren’t a result solely of Tommy shoving her about, Jayne mocked her over the top acting, Gubba baiting the line by calling her routine “sensual”, and even Jason issued the DAMNING critique that she “was almost a bit saccharine”. And considering that Anthea is female and not from the wide world of lezzy ladysports, you know that’s as damning as Jason is prepared to get. My favourite part was when Ashley, for whatever reason, decided to save her over Keith and the audience GASPED IN HORROR. Sometimes reality tv contestants just reach terminal velocity, and there’s nothing left to do but watch agog as the flaming wreckage smacks into the Earth. Such was Anthea Turner this week.
Keith Chegwin & Olga Sharutenko : Keith Chegwin’s bloody duel rampage through this series continues. First he dispatched Pamela Anderson (the pneumatic blonde hypersexed cheerleader), then Joe Pasquale (the obnoxious comic relief joker) and now Anthea Turner (the OCD prig). Surely I can’t be the only one to notice that his time on the show is mirroring the plot of some sort of mid90s slasher movie. I can’t quite find a way to pin the departure of Oona (aka The Black One) on him, but rest assured I am working on it. As the secretly gay jock, Gareth better watch himself. In business outside of killing people off, this week Keith was required to show his romantic side, as he danced with Olga (who he has dubbed “The Gremlin From The Kremlin”) to “I’ll Be There”. A lot of his VT focused on him talking about how he spent most of his school days snogging girls. I’m not sure this is a thing that should have been shared. His enthusiasm is still pretty endearing, although given that this last desperate chance to make him happen failed, I’m guessing he’s being cut loose soon. Oh well.
Gareth Thomas & Robin John Stone: I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve spent the last three months recapping Strictly, where every performance by Richard Arnold was practically preceded by Erin Boag waving around a placard saying “ALL ABOARD THE BENDER BUS!” in 18″ high writing, but it’s getting noticeable that Gareth’s headline-making sexuality is pretty much a non-issue for the show. Except of course for the implications of skating around to Bros in the first place. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or…just a thing, but it’s a new tack for reality tv at least. This week was mostly marked by Robin Cousins yelling at the public for being so LUDICROUS in putting Gareth in the bottom two in the first place. HOW COULD WE BE SO CRUEL? And, you know, Bros. That happened, along with the shredding bin contents that served as Robin John Stone’s dress.
Matt LaPenis & Brioche Delcourt : Was there any more delicious moment on the show than when Jayne dropped Matt in it before the entire audience? Having been hit with the (fairly valid) complaint from Jason that his routines were pretty samey (what with the breakdancing and the Sexy Guy vibe, Matt defended himself by huffing that he didn’t pick the track he was dancing to. There then followed a delicate period of discussion before Jayne decided to throw open the trapdoor and point out that…actually he did? And then the awkwardness that followed before Matt asked us all to recognise that one of Brioche’s friends had died this week (?!) and that routine had been in his memory. That routine where he roller-skated around playing pretend basketball to 5ive as Brioche dolled herself up in her most PORNTASTIC outfit yet. Well…if that’s what her friend was into. At any rate Brioche was on fine form this week, screaming aggressively at Matt throughout training and practically demanding the series trophy here and now in Week Four. I always like Brioche most when she’s unleashing the rampaging hellbeast within. Isn’t it about now they’re going to pretend to be shagging? I mean…it’s a shortened run this year, so they’d better get a jog on.
Beth Tweddle & Daniel Whiston : Having dominated last week at the expense of Oona King, unfortunately it was back down to earth for Beth this week, as it was her turn to be on the receiving end of Jason’s Wheel Of Shit, being this week’s designated victim of the “SPORTSPERSON IN NOT EXACTLY ABOUT TO BE UP FOR OLIVIER AWARDS SHOCKER!” as Jason proclaimed himself unmoved by her performance to the seminal emotional and lyrical piece “5 6 7 8” by Steps. It’s sad that she failed at such an easy playground level piece. I mean, I remember having the whole routine down pat by the age of 10. Line-dance shuffle, imaginary lasso, hand-clap, finger-guns, aerial cartwheel, be spun through the air like a carriage on a waltzer whilst twisted into the shape of a human pretzel. And I put on more of a performance face than that at the time MISSY. A lot of people booed Jason’s comment but really I think it’s perfectly valid to judge her entire personality negatively based on her inability to act like a derped-up cowgirl stripper. SHE HAS NO CONCEPT OF FUN AT ALL.
Joe Pasquale & Vicky Ogden : Speaking of no concept of fun, Robin Cousins is clearly about as over Joe Pasquale as I am, busting out a 3.5 and telling him that he wasn’t doing any skating, as he skidded around to 10cc whining about how he was an outcast in school but God loves him because he’s a trier or some such forced underdog stuff. Of course then Robin saw fit to clarify this by making sure we were all aware that, no matter how redundant, unfunny and grasping a contestant Joe Pasquale is and will become over the next…month (?) or so, he’ll never be as bad as Todd Varty was. And amen to that.
Samia Ghadie & Sylvain Schlongchambon : It was only a matter of time before ITV contorted all of Samia’s sections on this show to some sort of drab British sex-farce this week, and so it was this week, as Samia’s mother turned up to stand on the sidelines and screech “DON’T BE DOING THAT TO MY DAUGHTER, YOU AWFUL FRENCHMAN!” at Sylvain with a shocked look on her face. What Sylvain was doing to Samia was sadly not pg 75 of the Kama Sutra, but instead the DREADED HEADBANGER. In this case the “smack the ice to make it stop” variation, which is probably the least thrilling incarnation. Although fair dos, they did get a decent bounce on it even if her head never really seemed in danger of actually smacking into the ice. Obviously the headbanger was enough for many bonus marks, as Samia was propelled to the top of the leaderboard despite doing about as much skating as ever. The routine was more than anything else a tragic example of getting the Spice Girls wrong, as both Samia AND Sylvain turned up in leopardprint. You can’t BOTH be Scary Spice! The very thought of any sort of sociological construct trying to contain two Melbs at once is frankly more terrifying than the idea of a gas leak at the Large Hadron Collider, let alone a common-or-garden girlband. They’re lucky anybody walked out alive.