If there was one thing I never knew I was missing from my life, it was certainly wasn’t The Continuing Adventures Of Jason vs Weepy Karen.
Samia Ghadie & Sylvain Schlongchambon : I guess it says something that Samia Ghadie has apparently been in Coronation Street for THIRTEEN YEARS and I’ve never heard of her. And I’m normally quite good at this sort of thing. I knew who Helen Flanimals was on I’m A Celebrity and everything. Samia Ghadie is partnered with, and shagging Sylvain. Probably. I mean, she was very evasive on the matter, but the vague non-denials she was giving about it had the smug air of a woman who wants you to KNOW she’s shagging a burly Frenchman without actually having to come out and SAY it, because that would be just crass. Also because she (probably) stole him off Mercedes McQueen and the Hollyoaks Cast look after their own. If she poked them too much with an admission live on prime-time ITV they’d probably egg her car or start hassling her mum or something. This SCANDAL incidentally is the sort of SCANDAL that the show is going to spend the next three months telling you about by repeatedly telling you not to talk about it. It’s fun like that. Skating? She was shoved about nervily to “Ann Diamond” by Rihanna, and then was the first to face the ACID TONGUE OF JASON GARDINER as he made a lame crack based solely on the name of the song she was dancing to, which he wrote out beforehand, that had nothing to do with how she skated. Seriously, why have Katarina Witt give her sage advice when you can have a judge who gives everyone the same score whilst bellowing “YOU’RE SHIT!”? This will definitely halt the ratings collapse!
Keith Chegwin & Olga Sharutenko : I knew I’d heard Olga’s name before, and a quick wikipedia tells me she was last a pro way back in Series 1, when she was an instrumental part of shattering BARROWMAN’S skating dreams as his pro partner. At which point he had a massive hissy fit and claimed he only got eliminated because of homophobia, because that is the only reason you could possibly not like BARROWMAN. What I’m saying is, in the race to replace Frankie in my heart as the one female pro I like (/remember) Olga is in the lead by virtue of that association alone. Keith Chegwin meanwhile is this year’s “I Should Have Been On Last Year But I Fractured My Face” contestant, a role he has taken on with nigh-on psychotic zeal, repeatedly JUMPING UP AND DOWN on the ice with excitement and yelling about how he had turned down literally every other show on television to do Dancing On Ice. All of them. Fun Fact : You were only spared the sight of Cheggers as Miranda’s new love interest by Dancing On Ice. Also he WAS Mr Selfridge and Jeremy Piven is but a poor second choice. Sadly, Cheggers’ enthusiasm was met with sarcastic snorting from Gubba and utter disinterest from the public, as he wound up in the Bottom 2 and would have been eliminated were it not for stray tits. As is so often the case on this show.
Beth Tweddle & Daniel Whiston : TWEDDLES TWEDDLES TWEDDIE! Yet another Bronze medal Olympic gymnast sent to rule over the competition with an iron fist of technical perfection and glacial facial stillness. Sadly, most of people who watch Dancing On Ice (ie the more hardcore end of the Weekend Reality Show Groups) have just spent three months experiencing Louis Smith, and so probably have a little bit less patience for Beth twirling giggling about how she’s used to having her game face on. Poor girl probably thought she was setting herself up for a journey, but instead her one solitary performance was automatically used as CAST IRON EVIDENCE THAT ALL GYMNASTS ARE DEAD BEHIND THE EYES AND HAVE NO SOUL. Her presence also saw the very nadir of the judging panel’s new execrations. Karen sighing passive-aggressively at Jason, that Pussycat Doll (I dunno either. Apparently she almost won I’m A Celebrity just like other eternal shining stars like Sheree Murphy, Jennie Bond and John Fashanu) telling Beth she should “unleash her inner chica” (ffs) and Jason saying that she left him BORED TO BETH.
BORED! TO! BETH!
Reality Show Judging Doesn’t Get Worse Than This.
Matt Lapinskas & Brioche Delcourt : Part of me is most amused that the Cheeky Chappy contestant came out and skated to CHRIS BROWN in Week 1 and topped the leaderboard. All of the Reality TV Watching Feminist Warriors must have dropped their monocles into their champagne glasses in horror and disgust at once. Unfortunately, the edge of Matt Lapinskas was somewhat taken off by having to dance to Christopher Dean’s Choreographic Mess Of The Week, with him doing breakdancing on top of a set of decks for most of the routine and then, like, skating a bit. And as a result, looking utterly ridiculous. On one level I’m glad that we’re getting this pointless self-choreographed skate twist for the dance-off, because at least means that someone occasionally has their hand on the artistic tiller other than Christopher Dean. As for Matt himself I know marginally more about him than I do about Samia Ghadie in that he was in Eastenders with the character brief of “your dad is played by David Essex” and was shocked when it didn’t really work out. So…not too much for the smarts with this one I’m thinking. Brioche of course remains…Brioche, even with her new less slutacious hair-do. Screaming as passers-by for a kiss I sense is…only the beginning. She won’t let Schlongchambon be the slaggy one, oh no. Matt Lapinskas better watch out, because his world is about to be rocked. Rocked by Brioche.
Shayne Ward & Maria Filipov : I know I should be impressed that Maria Fillipov is still a bona-fide Dancing On Ice force at the age of 40(ish) but the combination of her naturally ageing face and the unnatural levels of slap trowelled on the skating pros are starting to make her look like Hollywood 90s ageing make-up. It’s like when Julianne Moore turns up at the end of The Hours and can barely keep her fake dentures in. This year Maria is partnered with Shayne Ward, the very first flop male X Factor winner, and still holder of the title of recorder of the greatest X Factor Winner’s Single Of All Time. Frankly, if he doesn’t dance to “That’s My Goal” at some point, then this series will have been a complete waste of all our time. As it was, we had to make do with him sliding around to Alex Clare in pleather (WHY? WHY WITH THIS SHOW’S NEVER ENDING OBSESSION WITH PLEATHER AND VESTS THE COLOUR OF PATE?). Apparently Shayne’s skating was a big disappointment to everyone on the panel for…reasons. That they never defined, really. You’d expect nothing less from this panel really. Let’s just randomly throw in the Pussycat Doll having full grown JIZZGASMS over a routine, then scoring it 5 out of 10. I don’t even remember who it was for, but it was stupid.
Pamela Anderson & Matt’s Arse : See, I saw Pamela Anderson and was therefore aware that the woman has balance problems on dry land, so I knew her stay on Dancing On Ice was never going to end well, but even I never envisioned her going on first and her utter failure to prompt Matt’s Arse to lose his ever-loving mind, yelling about how Dancing On Ice is the premiere UK reality show or whatever (try about 6th or 7th best), before she fell about all over the place in the Skate-Off with her boob eventually, finally, inevitably, flobbing out. And that was the end of Pamela Anderson’s journey through Dancing On Ice. A bit of an anticlimax given that literally all of the pre-publicity focused around her and her alone, and even her presence wasn’t enough to get the show anything other than it’s worst ratings ever so…erm…onwards and upwards? Ultimately I think she was sunk by dancing to Emily Sunday, because if you could somehow make the concept “Pamela Anderson does yet another reality show” even more redundant, it would be by making her compete to the sounds of Emily Sunday.
Next week : Anthea Turner, an Olympian and yet another thing oozes out of TOWIE.