Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Final (1)

What possible crime could any of us have committed that it warranted the punishment of four effing showdances?

SHE SEES YOU WHEN YOU’RE SLEEPING! SHE KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE AWAKE! SHE KNOWS IT IF YOU VOTED FOR HER, SO WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACK!

Doesn’t rhyme, but that’s a PENDLEDRAMA Christmas for you.

Yes, without further comedy pre-credits VT, it’s time for the Final of Strictly Come Dancing.

Look. It says “Final” and everything. And they’ve got all of the finalists as well. All 50 of them. Next year, why don’t we just have no eliminations, and Jerry Hall can be a finalist and two-dance week can be 4 hours long? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE BLOAT!

LIVE!

I’ll be honest, I never expected the opening for the Strictly Final 2012 to be Robin & Artem fiddling with their giant balls as Karen bent over in front of them, but it’s been that sort of series I guess. Truly there has been more T&A (Tita & Artem) than ever before. Yes, it’s time for our opening Pro Number and if it isn’t quite as nonsensical and homoerotic as last year’s Gladiator Dance then it’s still

pretty fricking bizarre on its own merits.

It’s being performed to “The Final Countdown” and it’s overlayed by lots of soundbites from the judges saying “THAT! IS! DANCING!”, “THAT WAS THE DANCE OF THIS SERIES!”, “YUM YUM PIG’S BUM”, “FANNY CLUB!”, and “IMAGINE VINCENT GIVING YOU A PEARL NECKLACE, YAH?”. Truly it gives the final a weight, majesty, and import that can only be improved by

the finalists eyes flashing on the screen at the back like an advert for a provincial wine-bar/sex chat-line. At one point Anton dances Latin with Karen Hauer. This is not a drill. This really happened. Everyone pasos their doble for a good long while then

celebrities fire out of the box with fireworks shooting out their bum-holes. Oh yes, and that’s their names written on the box, just in case you’d forgotten. As is usual in group dances

Louis looks bored off his tits. Like…more so than usual, even. All the professional dancers, who have spent their entire lives training in dance, then worship our four celebrity hoofers

like they are DEITIES about to sacrifice them for the good of the Maya, and we are ready to start the show.

Then we get the credits again, for some reason, like they’re pretending they dismantled that ENTIRE SET in the time it took to flash four people’s names up again. I know I believe it. Strictly’s very own Helpful Voiceover Man tells us that this is the VERY LAST TIME that the Strictly final will be coming from Television Centre.

It’s also the last time Tess will be presenting the show, as after wearing THAT dress in a hot television studio for 4 hours, she’s being served up at the wrap party with a sage & onion stuffing and gravy. Bruno’s already

picking out which breast he wants.

Bruce welcomes us to the show, and tells us that all of the eliminated couples are here, in attendance tonight. Unlike series past, when Jodie Kidd was too sick, and Phil Tuffnell couldn’t be arsed (made a change…) Look at them all! Notice that…quite a lot of them are nowhere near their professional partner by the looks of it. Ah well, at least Anton and Jerry are friends for life. Speaking of Anton, this is Bruce’s annual opportunity to cackle about how Anton is never going to win Strictly Come Dancing ever

He cackles that, oh yes, he can just see Ann Widdecombe holding that trophy aloft HA HA HA NOT REALLY! Don’t even joke about that Bruce. Not even for a second.

He goes on to explain that we alone are going to decide the winner of Strictly Come Dancing! The judges scores don’t count for anything! We have all the power! Although if they did count…it wouldn’t have made any difference anyway. The important thing is that I felt empowered and I didn’t even have to do any pole dancing. For once. Tess explains that there are two live shows this evening – in the first all four couples will perform their showdance, and also a dance that the judges have handpicked that they think the celebrity could have done better. Coincidentally it turns out that, per their scoring, they were RIGHT! In all four cases! And not at all because the scores just ramp up week by week regardless of any supposed increase in quality. Yes sir. Louis’ jive last week was definitely only marginally worse than Denise’s in Week 2. Hem.

I can’t believe I’m complaining about scoring already. Len, Bruno and Darcey collectively don’t give anybody other than Tracy anything other than a 10 all night. I need to take my Finals Medication otherwise I’m never going to make it out alive.

OK. Better now.

Bruce explains that our second will see our least popular couple eliminated, then all of the remaining couples will perform their favourite dance, then the winner will be declared. This will take an hour. Possibly because of all the montages. Speaking of which…there’s one now. It focuses on the couples meeting, some dancing (mostly the theme weeks), and also the Comedy VTs. You’ll forgive me if I don’t recap it right? You can at least tell from it who’s had the biggest journey in terms of not looking at their pro partner like they’re about to give them cooties (*cough*)LOUIS(*cough*)

Time now, to meet (again) the stars of our show. When Bruce stubs his sticky fingers all over Tess he grunts

“oooh, it feels like a Brillo Pad”. Take it up with Vernon Bruce, not me, I BEG OF YOU! Once they’re all out, Bruce decides to suck up grievously, and says that really any of the four couples there could have been champions in ANY of the previous series. Yeah, slot Tracy Beaker up against Kara Tointon and she would have ROMPED home. And there’s no doubt in my mind that Denise Van Ringer was the one who could have SLAIN the McFlea army.

Tess tells us that if we want some expert opinion about the dances as they happen, then

you’re not getting it out of Starship Karen tonight. She’s going to be chasing Mark around with a rose between her teeth yelling “TANGO ME MARK! TANGO ME LIKE WHEN I WON WITH RAMPS! IN 2006!” whilst he tries to escape out an airlock.

Denise Van Tutti Frutti & James Jordan dancing the jive again

The cheers that happen when Denise & James are introduced prompt him to say “they’re all such popular couples” which…it’s all relative really isn’t it? Bruce reminds us all that Denise danced her jive the first time round to the song “Tutti Frutti”, which is a song that holds great personal meaning to one of our judges.

But that’s because of that thing he can do with a satsuma that we can’t discuss before the watershed. Let’s just say that he doesn’t need a peeler, and leave it at that.

And so, as we arrive at the final, it’s time for the part of the finale recap you’ve all been dreading. That’s right, it’s time for the BOOK OF STRICTLY FAIRY TALES to be cracked open one more time.

There lived in Essexshire a judge of some repute amongst the people of her parish. She was tall and fair, and had within her household a husband tall and handsome (who she had met when he appeared before her in her court, whereupon she saw fit to get him off) and a child, hale and hearty. All who met the judge would tell you that her life was rich and full, and that she always had a kind word for those whom she passed judgement on, apart from sidegobbed pirates, for whome she had little time.

And yet…

One time, upon returning from a soujourn to America, to the fair state of Illinois, the judge was followed by a faint ringing noise. Everywhere she went it followed her, as though evidence of some terrible misdeed about which it was shouting out its dread chimes. She went to the local pharmacist – ringing. She spoke at the local schoolhouse upon the importance of fairplay and temperance – ringing. She collapsed in the local gutters, flashing her knickers to passers by after a night on the rave with a kebab in her hand – ringing. She launched a one-woman show on the West End called “DENISE – LIVE, LAIRY AND LOUD! ft the Denise Van Outen Dancers” – ringing. Oh her friends and wellwishers insisted that it was not there, or that others also perhaps had a ringing from when they were in Shrek, but the judge heard it all the same. The terrible tinkling, clinking, clanking, RINGING. She could think of little else. And so the judge, being a determined sort, set out to cleanse herself of the foul demonic din. By entering the Strictly Dance Tournament, answer to all the curses of Strictly past.

And so the yeomen of the tournament came to visit the judge in her palatial detached townhouse with swimming pool and gym and stables, turn to pgs 10-14 for a photoshoot as Denise shows the OK team around the home she shares with Joseph Star Lee Mead. All the judge had to do was persuade them of her sanity, as people of mental defect were banned from the tournament, after Mad Anita pushed Mad Aliona down the ballroom stairs and they had had to get a cut-price Russian hoofer in to replace her briefly. They asked Denise about her past dancing experience – limited. They asked her about her habit of copping off with her co-stars – she said that could be arranged if the yeomen were running short of VTs one week. But then the yeomen asked her of her journey to Chicago and it began again! THE TINKLING OF THE TERRIBLE RINGING! It seemed to come from beneath the floorboards. Denise paced the floors, sweating, panicking, she could see that they heard it too, and were judging her. RING RING RING RING RING RING it went, louder and louder and LOUDER.

Finally she snapped, gripping the armrests of her oak Dupenny and yelling “LOOK AT ME! I’M JUST SITTING IN A CHAIR! HA HA HA HA HA TYPICAL ME! WHAT RINGING? I CAN’T HEAR ANY RINGING!”. The yeomen were shocked by her outburst, but then turned to one another and said “eh, Charlie Brooks just buggered off to eat kangaroo anus, how bad can it be? Just stick her with James, it’ll be funny”.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Say what you will about Denise, but you have to respect a woman who can fit a whole lemon up her slots. And what a pair of melons! (Ah thang yew). So anyway, this dance is where I reached the apex of my frustration with the whole “Final Week Denise” phenomenon. The “Final Week Denise” phenomenon being the entirety of the prep for the final being sucked up the black hole of oblivion that is the argument (already three months old) about whether Denise is a professional dancer and whether that matters and if it does matter how much does it matter and what experience do the other celebrities have and is dance training an advantage or a disadvantage and does it matter what sort of dancing it is and let’s all just say that Louis has had ballet training because he probably has and how much dancing was there in Rent Remixed and lets all dig up every interview Denise has ever given about anything ever and yes she’s put in more hours than anybody else but don’t you think that means she tries TOO HARD and I don’t know sexism and stuff and lets add a sideorder of are people just not voting for her because she’s with James I bet everyone would have liked her all along if she were with Pasha/Ian/Jared Murillo and honest to God, the entire final being ABOUT HER somehow (probably because Louis had already won and they needed to hack some sort of “SURPRISE!” factor about who finished 3rd/PRETEND 2ND) and then her coming out with THIS jive, which had been hyped up to St Jill levels and was worse than the first time she did it, in Week 2, when it scored 32.

I think I wrote “GO HOME DENISE!” on twitter in capital letters on twitter, and then got over it, and felt a bit bad. I did need the purge though.

It gets a Standing Ovation, and really, just c&p that sentiment for the rest of the recap. This one is notable for having

noted LORD OF THE DANCE Christopher Parker hooting his approval like a howler monkey. Also that woman third from the left? She knows what’s up.

Once Denise & James are over at the judges, Bruce grins that he think they’re going to see a few Standing Ovations over the course of the show. Way to undermine them Bruce! THEY WERE SO SPECIAL until you said that. Anyway, he then introduces the judges

and tells us all what he’ll miss about them all over the nine months we have until we all meet again next year to digest a new group of contestants. Apparently he’ll miss Bruno’s boundless energy, Len’s witticisms, Darcey’s “beautiful smile”

and nothing at all about Craig. So unfair! After this series I’ll miss…erm…I’ll…it’ll come to me.

Anyway, Len starts for the judges, telling us all that to dance well, you have to be athletic. At this point I have fond memories of that It Takes Two segment where James, Brenda and Vincent all had a competitive fitness test(/dick-measuring competition) and Vincent was wheezing up a lung after 3 minutes on an exercise bike. And every mark Lisa Riley spent this series getting. Anyway, Len then waffles on about how if you want to move from dancing well to truly being a DAHNCER you need to have artistry, and Denise has both athleticism and artistry in spades.

WOW! She’s like an Olympics Opening Ceremony, right down to the ring. Meanwhile, up on the Tessanine :

LISA & BOBBY! BESTIES FOR LYFE!

Bruno’s next, and we all know by now how I recap Bruno’s contributions in Finals yes?

Thanks Bruno. Craig follows up and mugs “limp, lame…JUST JOKING DARLING!”.

It’s such an unconvincing feint even the audience don’t bother booing. And they’ll be booing “9”s on a hair-trigger all evening, so it’s not that they’re not ready for it. Craig goes on to say that it was amazing and full of energy and so on, and Denise asks him if he wants another kiss from James. So if nothing else, James has found a friend for life and also a pimp from this series. Darcey closes by telling Denise that “her style” is perfect for the jive and it REALLY SUITS her personality. After Wembley, I’m so tempted to read literally everything out of Darcey’s mouth as a back-handed compliment. I think I’d like her much more that way.

Up to the Tessanine they go and

I know saying “it’s very hard to take Tess seriously when she’s wearing THAT” could be said most weeks, but bloody hell. She tells Denise that it really looked like she had a blast out there, and Denise breathes heavily, like someone who’s just come down Splash Mountain, that the other couples should just WAIT TIL THEY HAVE A GO, because it’s GREAT. Tess then turns to James, and asks him if Denise is the best that he could have hoped for in a partner. Denise gives him proper 4 year old

“if you don’t say yes I’m going to STICK THIS ICE-CREAM SANDWICH DOWN MY PANTS and you’re going to have to deal with the consequences” face. James says that yes, of course she is. She’s his Dream Partner. And yet still they only finished 3rd(/PRETEND 2ND). Think on. Tess asks Denise what we should expect from her Showdance and she doesn’t say “well Tess, I’m just going to do Hot Honey Rag, sat on a chair, flicking the vs at everyone and yelling SUCK IT!!!”, so I’m not really interested. Lifts and spins and stuff. Scores are in

39. That dance not getting 40 is the ONLY shock I had the entire final. (Natalie laughing her head off in the background <3)

Tracy Beaker & Vincent Simone dancing the tango

Bruce tells us that Tracy has apparently taken offence to her portrayal on the show as a dark horse. As opposed to a smurf, a munchkin, a midget, a child, a Polly Pocket, a pocket rocket, Velma From Scooby Doo, the dwarf from Don’t Look Now, Tracy Beaker, Shorty McShortarse, the Pygmy Princess, Thumbelina, Titch McGee And Her Funboy Three, Micro-Dani, and The Littlest Whore House In Texas. Alright, maybe that last one was never said. BUT IT WAS IMPLIED! Tracy has some odd priorities.

Anyway, let’s crack open that story-book again…

Once upon a Smurf, in Smurfland, it was a smurftastic, smurflicious, smurfmazing day. Papa Smurf, Smurfette, and Smurfy Smurf The Smurf Smurf were all walking happily through Smurfland, smurfing their smurfs as they smurfed. Then a 5ft grown woman lurched in over the mushrooms, painted blue and wearing dungarees. “I’m a SMURF!” she cried, and Papa Smurf sat down, lit a cigarette and said “bloody hell…”

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Everyone remember the story of this dance?

“Hello Dominos? Yes! IT’S-A-ME! VINCENT! I’d like to order two large Pepperoni Passions for me and my little…erm…spaghetti? Yeah, that’s Italian, that’ll do! ME AND A MA LITTLE SPAGHETTI BAMBINO BELLA! Delivery in an hour please!”
“Vincent! We’ll be doing our Favourite Routine Of The Series then, I won’t want to do it with a mouthful of your garlicky crust!”
“Chill my little Mussolinni bambini! I’ve seen the script! We’re a-screwed! Why a-you think you wearing your costume for Genie Of The Ring in panto in Ilfracombe already my petito Gina Ginelli?”
“…oh. I thought Wardrobe were trying to make me look sexy and like a mature woman”
“bella, you have-a been in kids tv too long. You look-a like a back-alley hooker”
“Isn’t that how Kristina was dressed on the Strictly Tour?”
“MAMMA MIA, LET’S A-DO IT IN THIS PHONE BOX! IT’S A YOUR LUCKY DOLMIO DAY!”

I swear, there was one moment on It Takes Two this week where Vincent dropped the skits and actually spoke like an actual person and it was so refreshing, and maybe one day Anton will do the same. We can only live in hope. The dance is, like Denise’s jive, not nearly as good as it was the first time, although I guess in many cases that’s going to be an “impact” thing. It’s a lot more aggressive and sharp and violent, which I don’t think really suits her personality or where her dancing strengths lie, and really it’s all being directed at the audience rather than Vincent. It’s like one of those fights couples have in pub car parks at 11:30m on a Friday, where you just KNOW some poor soul is going to walk up and try and stop the woman getting punched and have the woman themselves attack them for “GETTIN INVOLVED!”.

But I don’t want to be too harsh, because this whole show’s about to crush her like an elephant lazily and thoughtlessly rolling over on a flea.

It gets a Standing Ovation and a “look, look, look at them all Tracy, on their feet FOR YOU”. Who WON’T miss that when this series ends? Anybody? I KNOW I WILL! It’s of course time now, as Tracy LOOKS, for Bruce to introduce Davearch & The Funky Bunch.

I really enjoyed that interview they did for the Strictly Website this week (even if they did use the Man In The Hat’s so-called “real name”) particularly the part where they all said they never wanted to sing Queen ever again, particularly Bohemian Rhapsody. (SPOILERS : well…you know).

Bruno starts for the judges.

Thanks Bruno. Craig says that he saw some minor stumbles but he’s really glad that this time she finished on time with the music, which was a first. Still, as “efficient” as ever.

Can you hear the sound? The sound of buses revving? Because Tracy can. Darcey is next, and says that Tracy no longer reminds her of a stroppy teenager.

Now she is a “cool, fasty, festy, sophisticated woman”. Well that’s what it sounded like. I love that, now forced to praise Tracy because it’s the final, Darcey is making up non-words to avoid actually saying anything. WHAT A CROMULANT DANCE, TRACY! Len closes by saying that Tracy is what this show is all about for him.

She lets him and Bruce live out their schoolgirl fantasies without looking TOO much like utter paedos. Oh yeah, and she had a journey and that. If you’d told Len in Week 1 that he’d be watching her in the final in three months time, he would have yelled “DO ME A FAYVAH!” and told you to piss off. Because he’s rude like that. And, to be fair, her waltz was awful. Incidentally if finalists were picked based on Len’s Week 1 scores, here’s our final :

Sid & Ola
Richard & Erin
Lisa & Robin
Kimberley & Pasha

ZOMG, BEST FINAL EVAH! That man can really spot talent can’t he?

Up to the Tessanine, where

the woman herself is still struggling with the concept of perspective. She tells Tracy that she looked really confident and mature out there, dressed in Linda Lusardi’s leftovers, and Tracy that she just felt like she should go for it because it’s the final, and she’s got nothing left to lose. Other than…you know…the whole series. She’s worried that she got a little too passionate though, and that’s why she made mistakes. Yeah Tracy, you were just TOO REAL for this dance. Meanwhile, in the background, I can’t decide whether I find

Jerry’s complete disinterest in anything other than bitchy gossip with Anton endearing or a bit annoying.

Nice to see Erin’s ass is catching up on 6 weeks of remaining unmolested as well. Anyway, Vincent goes on to say that being “too passionate” is the story of his life. Everyone laughs, for a bit, then gets back to the important business of shoving Aliona around at the back of spot, because there’s no room in the Tessanine, and shoving Aliona about is FUN.

LOOK AT HER GO! Seriously, nobody whose been eliminated gives a shit about any of these finalists, it’s amazing. Anyway, Dani says that she wants to win for Vincent because he’s “been on it for a million years and never won” (quite) and then promises that her showdance will be amazing. And it’s to her favourite song! (Because that worked so well for Rachel Stevens…) In the background, Nicky yells “WESTLIFE!”. Why did he only TRULY become amazing after he was eliminated? It’s so unfair. Scores are in

36.

Chinbotley Warts & Pasha Kovalev dancing the Viennese Waltz

Bruce tells us that Kimberley is here in the final tonight because she gave something a good rub in the basement of the BBC. Well…that’s how you get ahead in television I guess.

Bruce tells us all it was a Magic Lamp. Which gave Kimberley one wish (BBC cutbacks I guess). And she wished to be in the final. I mean…you’d think she’d wish to win, but she’s not greedy (/is a bit thick) (*YOU DECIDE*). Bruce then got a wish, and he wished to live til 150 years old, and then Wilnelia got a wish and her wish was “NO!”.

(Poor, poor Wilnelia).

And back to the book we go…

Water dripped from a leak in the Strictly Bot Factory. A couple of floor workers in brown overcoats swept the floors listlessly. Nobody had really recovered from the scandal of last year. It still made the shareholders shudder. How Dr Bottenstein had gone on tv to claim that a Bot had won Strictly yet again! That the glory of days of the Rampsbot 5000 were here again! That metal had once again triumphed over flesh. Precision over personality. Steel over steely. Bronze over merely bronzed. Titanium over Hypnotitanium.

And then it just turned out that Harry was just really middle class.

Oh how they’d laughed. The normals. The humans. The fleshy. Not only could the factory not build bots to win, it couldn’t even identify them. And then Dr Bottenstein had been found dangling by his own extension cord and the people left them all alone again. But down in a basement, a true believer lurked. And planned.

This year. This year would be different. The robots would rise again. With the most standard issue bot yet. That would show them! The robot would dance impeccably! They would answer every question by just repeating it back as an answer. Did you enjoy that dance? YES I ENJOYED THAT DANCE. Do you enjoy dancing with Pasha? YES I ENJOY DANCING WITH PASHA! And the robot would shriek when elated and leak a little in shame when it forgot its programming and try to crush Tess’s spine whenever possible. Just like all the other bots. And also this bot would pout. Just to have something unique about it to make it marketable as a line in its own right.

BUT! This Bot would succeed where all previous female bots had failed. Because this bot had a new special function! IT’S JOURNEY FUNCTION. Deep underneath, the robot would have a human core. Only to be activated upon hitting the Bottom 2. As the robot surely would. As the public do love a journey these days. Or a trier. Or naked male mantits. THEN THE JOURNEY FUNCTION WOULD ACTIVATE! The human underneath would be revealed and their GLORY WOULD BE ASSURED! But who to use for this human core? Who? Who’s that one at the back of Girls Aloud? The Keith Duffy of Girls Aloud? Who would miss her?

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Yes, they are making her do the dance she was in the dance-off with, why do you ask? Fortunately for me, I liked the dance a lot the first time, but I can’t imagine it did much for her public vote given, you know, “n’yowwwwwwwwwwwww CRASH”. This is all part of a New Thing this year, which I am skipping over to focus on the Strictly Fairy Tales, wherein the Judges Choice round isn’t the judges favourite dance from a competitor, but the one where they think they could most improve. So basically it’s the “This Dance Happened Before We Slammed The Overmark Everything Button With Our Faces” Round. Which screws Kimberley a bit, because all the dances that I think really CONNECTED, all scored, like 48 already. So she’s left with either this or Pasha having pubes stuck to his face running around left-behind Christmas Trees, and after the Shrek disaster of last year, you can see why he didn’t feel up to spending the final looking like a moron again.

(*nobody mention the hair*). Anyway it’s a lovely dance, well done, without the niggles of the first go around.

Even if the ridiculous arm-hankies frankly make her look like a yacht.

It gets a Standing Ovation whilst, up on the Tessaninine

Robin would still like you to be aware that he very much still has nipples, yes he does. Craig starts for the judges, telling Kimberley that she’s grown so much during the course of the series that it’s quite unbelievable. Not just in her dancing, but in her confidence. Well maybe she has NOW Craig, after you stopped doing newspaper splashes about how much everyone hates her. Stronger top-line, stronger core, and no hopping abaht. He says that he and Darcey were CLUTCHING one another throughout the dance, trying to see hops, and the couldn’t. Yes, well, now Len’s Glans is switched off we’ll never know will we? Thankfully. Darcey follows, saying that Kimberley is a marvellous dancer and a true actress and if she’s looking for work, Darcey just got an opening babysitting for her kids, because that Fern ran off with half the contents of her drinks cabinet and never came back. Kimberley is

so moved by this praise.

Len follows, and tells Kimberley that whilst last time he saw this dance he liked it, this time he

LOVED IT. So much that his dentures almost fly out. Now there’s praise. He doesn’t mention what he thought the first time he saw it. Bruno to close.

Thanks Bruno.

Before we go up to the Tessanine, we cut to Kimberley’s family

somewhere six or seven rows behind Cheryl Cole I’m guessing. Sadly her Hott Brother is nowhere to be seen.

Up to the Tessanine they waltz, where Kimberley grasps Tess then smiles that she really feels like a princess in her dress. Tess snarks that she’s sure all the little girls at home (and paired with Vincent) are saying

“SHE WOOKS JUST WIKE A PWINCESS, MUMMY!”. Want to hear what they’re saying you look like, Daly? Tess tells Kimberley that she thinks everyone in the studio was really moved by what she just did (…I don’t think Jerry was) and wonders if Kimberley ever expected to be in the final. Kimberley says she never ever did, and it felt really different but still totally amazing, to perform that dance for the third time. And she’s not doing the tour, so she’ll never hit the point where “different and still totally amazing” turns into “a complete sap of all your life-energy through boredom and repetition”. Tess asks Kimberley if her showdance will be funky, and Kimberley says it will. Oh Tess. They’re ALL going to be funky. They’re showdances. Funk du fromage. Scores are in

39.

Louis Smith & Mother dancing the salsa

With the roars to introduce them, Bruce hoots that “everyone’s a favourite”. If you looked at the bookies at this point, Tracy was dropping out to about 60-1. Which is a funny definition of “favourite”, but there we are. Everybody’s gotta be loved by somebody, right? Bruce reminds us that last week, Flavia promised that she’d get him to take his clothes off for one of the dances.

Because as we all know, that’s very hard to do.

For the last time, back to the Book.

It was a proud day on Mount Olympus, and much feasting and carousing was occuring merrily and joyously as the Gods did return from their battles in the annual Godly Games. Pendleta, Goddess Of Drama, was face-down in a trifle, laughing insanely to herself, in-between sobs, celebrating besting some MORTAL BITCH called Anna in the chariot races. Jessica – Goddess of Skin Cream was basking in male attention, as was Tom Dal[STORYBOOK EDITED ON ADVICE OF LAWYERS]. Heroic slave turned demigod Ben-Ainslie was angry, and Monkseal liked him when he was angry, and went off to his bunk for a bit.

When he returned, however, he saw there the Goddess Flavia. Flavia was Goddess of Harnesses, which you’d think would be a minor gift for a goddess, but it proved useful on many occasions, like when she seduced the mortal Matt Di Angelo, by appearing before him in the form of a horny slapper. (IN THE FORM OF, CALM DOWN, MAVIA MAFIA). And the Goddess Flavia was vexed, as she could feel within her goddessly bosom that one of her children was weeping. She followed the sound of the weeping to the edge of Mount Olympus, somewhere near the Tessanine, and saw there her half-human son Louus – demi-god of 16 hour Call Of Duty sessions fuelled solely by Pot Noodles, who she discovered one day under her Sex Swing. Weeping, in a manly fasion, into his pectorals.

“What is the matter oh Louis? You beat all your brothers in the gymnastics at the Godly Games!”
“Yes, but mother”-he sobbed-“all the teen girls still fancy them more than me!”
“That is not true!”-admonished Flavia-“you get naked ALL THE TIME! And you’re well buff and ting, so they definitely all fancy you the most!”
“No, mother, and goddess of the harness. They all fancy Maximus, as his eyebrows make him look like he’s from One Direction. They even fancy Kristian and he is SQUINTY AND FROM THE MIDLANDS! They fancy them ALL MORE THAN ME, even though I practically dangle my Godly dongle in their face every day”

I was at this point that Louus could no longer be heard over his mighty sobs. And so Flavia formed a plan, so that all the maidens of the land would fancy him most greatest amongst all his brother. She’d get him to get his tits out on Strictly Come Dancing. And if she had to dust off the Sex-Swing one more time to do it, then so be it.

TO THE DANCE FLOOR!

OK, not quite yet, because as much as I’m happy skipping over most of these VTs, the “Louis at Parents Evening” vibe of this one


CANNOT BE IGNORED.

OK, TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Yes, they’re re-doing their salsambchambo, because Flavia is launching a Helm’s Deep level full-frontal assault on the nation’s ovary voters, and the judges are in no way interested in getting in the way of someone who has gone Full Camilla to the level that Flavia has. Anyway, it’s definitely a lot more oily and sinuous than last time, and really does nothing to dis-spell my opinion that Louis is by far the best of the series at these sort of Sexy Latin dances. I would have liked to have seen Kimberley’s rumba before FULLY COMMITTING, but it’s that sort of series I guess. And I know most people watching don’t give a flying flump about the sexy latin dances, but after sitting through Harry Judd – Supposed Sex-God last year, when he jerked his hips about like Buckaroo, I’VE BEEN WAITING. Also obviously there’s still DAT LIFT.

But my personal favourite part is when he does the jumping splits and

it looks like he’s literally pooing Flavia out, mid-air. Now there’s a moment.

I’m sure this will do for most people though.

It gets a Standing Ovation, and Bruce says “LOOK!” about 50 million times. He does protest to Louis that he thought he was going to jump off the balcony! Ann Widdecombe did it! (I wish) (Not really) (Honest).

Darcey starts for the judges, with an Apprentice candidates grasp of statistics, by saying that that routine was 100 times better than he performed it last time. So she’s about to get her fabled “16” paddle out then. It wasn’t safe, or controlled, it was FREE and SPICED UP!

Fun Fact : Flavia’s win is the longest any pro has ever waited for their first win on Strictly. It shows. Darcey congratulates her on turning Louis into a dancer, and Flavia actually shrugs and says “awww, fank you” like a teenager. Bless her. The praise continues to roll in, when Len says he’s going to call her “Flavulous”.

You can tell she’s thinking “I AM pretty flipping falvulous, though”. He goes on to to congratulate her for increasing the salsa in the routine whilst still capturing the essence of Dirty Dancing (?!) and then praises Louis for his “bionic bum”. He reminds Louis that he gave that routine a 6 last time, because he danced it like a budgie, but this time he was like an EAGLE (with a bionic bum) so he’s getting EVEN MORE!

Bruno’s next.

Thanks Bruno. Craig closes by saying that the only thing he didn’t like was the shoulder-roll with the “big old pout” that occurred before he did the big lift. Well that’s your fault for sitting next to Darcey in the first place, love.

Up to the Tessanine they watermelon, where Tess makes Louis repeat the bit that Craig didn’t like.

Yeah, that does like kind of stupid. Tess reminds Louis that Len said that he liked the dance far more this time than last time, and that Louis would definitely score higher with him. She then asks him if he thinks Len will score him higher this time.

I’m with Natalie. As is so often the case. Louis says that it definitely felt more oily this time, and thanks Flavia for helping with that. Yeah I…don’t even want to think of a punchline for that one. Tess then announces to the world that Louis’ mother (…well, his Mortal Mother) is watching in the audience.

Louis’ mother looks like she didn’t really want that announcing. She goes on to ask Louis what he’s going to do in his showdance and Louis says he wants to show off his “strength side”.

Feel Fern’s ovaries twang. Scores are in

39. Brenda looks PISSED OFF throughout.

Halfway Leaderboard?

NOW BRING ON THE SHOWDANCES!

Denise vs Outen & James Jordan dancing SHOWDANCE

Bruce asks us if we remember that Denise & James have been saved in the dance-off twice now. No Bruce, I’d forgotten, because you hardly ever mention it. Anyway, this showdance is their chance to prove that they really deserve to be here in the final. I don’t about you, but if the only way for me to prove anything was solely via the medium of showdance, I’d just give up and take the loss.

Training now

and yes, it’s Lift O’Clock. Denise tells us that she will be doing her Showdance to “Flashdance! (What A Feeling)” which makes this the second showdance now where James has lifted the music from another pro. What a shame he’s not returning to the well of ripping off Brenda, as then we could ACTUALLY have seen Snowdance done right. If such a thing were even possible. He very solemnly tell us that Showdance is the most important dance of the series, as everyone remembers it forever and it decides the winner.

QUICK! WITHOUT GOING TO YOUTUBE, TELL ME WHAT HARRY DID FOR HIS SHOWDANCE LAST YEAR!

Mmm hmmm.

Denise tells us that her showdance is going to be jam-packed with daring, difficult, and dangerous moves just like (and I kid you not, she actually says this) a KNEE SLIDE! OH NO! NOT A KNEE SLIDE! We then get some footage of Denise

messing up a knee slide, to show us all how difficult knee-slides are, like every celebrity partnered with a Jordan doesn’t do at least three per dance. Denise tells us that her knees are REALLY SORE

then gets them out, so we can all look at her scabs. Of course James is sat right there next to her, pushing and prodding away at all her bruises and laughing. He then goes on to explain that in the showdance he’s choreographed in a bit of tango and a bit of salsa. Specifically the bit of salsa he messed up the first time, to show everyone that he can do it.

All about his partners that one. I think the last time a pro choreographed a showdance to try to prove something about themselves rather than their celebrity was…well it was Snowdance. He goes on to say that Denise is constantly asking him to make her dances easier, and if it were up to her, they’d be dancing the hokey-cokey for their Showdance (SPIRIT OF A CHAMPION!), but Denise herself says that she knows that their showdance may well be their last dance together, so she wants it to be the best dance she’s ever danced on Strictly.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

AND SO THEY BEGIN! Denise is in a black body-hugging catsuit and there’s yellow fog on the floor and there’s 80s music on. You KNOW it’s a Showdance. Or that Brenda’s still in the competition, but that’s such a rarity these days. And of course, as it’s Showdance let’s






BRING ON THE LIFTS!

Really, in terms of the standard, number, and variety of lifts performed, it’s as close as we’ve ever had on this show to one of those professional showdance demonstrations we used to get. Which, you know, we stopped having. Because nobody liked them. All kudos to Denise for pulling them off though, because there are SO MANY of them, and she looks at risk of dying during the rest of them. I’m not really sure what happens in the rest of the dance. There’s some pretty bokey looking salsa, and she does some tango whilst grinning her head off, but I think we’re all on the edge of our seats anyway. Waiting, hoping, and praying that she can do the BIG MOVE.

THANK GOD, WE ALL SURVIVED.

TAH DAH!

Once it’s over, the audience give them a rapturous Standing Ovation and Denise

roars like the Kracken, whilst up on the Tessanine

Jerry looks mildly impressed, which is really the highest praise you can GIVE a dance.

Len starts for the judges, and tells Denise that if that dance was a game of poker, it was one where Denise went all in. I dunno Len, I think I saw her busted flush at one point. Anyway, she put all her chips on the table, and a kebab, and half a bottle of Lambrini, and she WENT FOR IT. It had danger and attack, and he really feels like Denise justified his rant last week about this now being a proper final without her in it. Well, yes, really, it WAS all about proving Len right. Up on the Tessanine

Kristina suck in her chin in a way I really shouldn’t find as hilarious as I do. Bruno’s next.

Thanks Bruno.

Once Bruno’s finished calling Denise a professional dancer (AND THEY WONDER WHY THERE WAS BACKLASH), Bruce says he wonders what “Mr 9” thinks of that. “Mr 9” being Craig. “9” being a mean and crappy score. Welcome to the final. Craig says that it was a “little bit lift central” for his liking, but they were carried off impeccably. The best he’s seen since Hanna Tutenkhamun. He says that he can’t believe what her body did, and Denise cackles that she can’t either, because she’s NEARLY 40! Alright Letitia Dean, calm down. Bruce then says, again, that it was a really professional performance

and asks Darcey to finish us off. She does, by calling the routine “flashy wow”. She says that Denise could travel the world putting on that routine, and then says to James that he made her look light as a feather! That seemed FAR too easy for him. Trapped between a rock and a “implying his partner’s a fatty” place, James

opts for the latter, and takes the consequences.

Up to the Tessanine they HAVE RHYTHM NOW, and Tess immediately starts gasping to them about the lifts and the DANGER of it all. Denise says that she only got “that spinny one” perfected on Thursday, because she’d been too afraid of it up til then. Yes but what of the KNEE-SLIDE Denise? The terrible terrible KNEE-SLIDE! Tess says she’s never felt anything like the atmosphere in the studio tonight, not since Vernon actually remembered their anniversary that one time anyway. She asks Denise if she’s going to make the Top Three and she says she doesn’t know, but she’d be happy for that to have been her last dance. Scores are in

40.

Dani Harmer & Vincent Simone dancing SHOWDANCE

Bruce says that the competition has seen the transformation of Tracy from a “shy and nervous little girl” (SHE!) (WAS!) (TWENTY!) (SHITTING!) (THREE!) into a “confident dancer”. Well…until the final anyway.

It’s training for them now and

yes, there’s more lifts. Tracy grins terrifyingly that her showdance is going to be to her favourite song and her favourite song is “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen.

…yay.

She tells us that she thinks that the Showdance is really important because it alone will determine whether she makes the Top Three or not. THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT TO BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY? WHEN DO PEOPLE EVER EVER DANCE TO BOHEMIAN RHPASODY, OTHER THAN BASHING THEIR HEADS ABOUT? DO YOU NOT THINK, GIVEN THAT IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SONG OF ALL TIME, THAT SOMEBODY WOULD HAVE USED IT FOR A DANCE BY NOW, ON THIS SHOW, IF IT WERE IN ANY WAY SUITABLE? AND NO THAT TIME THAT ERIN DID IT AS A JOKE DOESN’T COUNT.

*breathe*

I mean, I would disagree with her about the importance or otherwise of the Sacred Showdance, but she’s the one loading all her eggs into one basket, then throwing it under a tractor and tap-dancing on the remains, so I’ll leave her to it. As if there weren’t enough acts of wanton self-sabotage going on here

Vincent then totally just goes full out and does a KNEE SLIDE in training. The crazy crazy crazy man. What, do you want Iveta partnering your girl in the final? Because she WILL DO IT. She will put on that wig and grow that stubble and have sex with Kristina in that cupboard. There is then an extended skit where Tracy catches Vincent checking himself out in the mirror, and then he laughs about it, because let’s face it, it never ends with this one. He just can’t help being Vinnie S. He was BORN THIS WAY BABY.

He tells us that

Tracy has successfully avoided two dances that she was probably never going to be able to do well this series – rumba and paso doble. So he’s decided to make them the basis of her showdance. Wow. They really were determined to leave a massive crater when this dance crashed and burned weren’t they? Oh and also, there’s lots of lifts. Here’s what Tracy Beaker thinks of lifts.

Tracy Beaker thinks lifts can BOG OFF. Remember, she is an elegant, sophisticated and mature lady now.

Tracy closes by saying that she’s just been laughing through the stress this week, because she really wants to enjoy her last week in Vincent’s company. She’s putting her lifting life in Vincent’s hands, a man who couldn’t lift a Post-It Note without having a sit down afterwards (seriously, you thought that break was for Stephanie Beacham?) and then (she verbatim actually says) “WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?”

This Tracy. This could.

Here she is, dressed as a melted After Eight, ready to rumba to Bohemian Rhapsody. Not a single part of this makes a lick of sense. The song lurches around from one part to another with all the grace of Denise on a night out in 1994 and the dance itself…well here’s some highlights :

“Rock me Sexy Heimlich!”

“Why yes Mr Bond, I AM only wearing a towel *wink*”

“MUST! REACH! LAST! ROLO!”

“D’OOF”

*Bruce hot-foots it to the other side of the studio, is dissapointed by a matter of milliseconds*

ATTACK OF THE LOBSTERHANDS!

“Oh shit”

“Oh SHIT”

“OH SHITTTTTTTTTTT”

“HOAAARRRRRRRRRRRRK!”

THUH UND!

I swear there were things done to Terry Waite less cruel than putting that on immediately after Denise flew through the air with the greatest of ease. The sad part is that parts of her paso doble (the bits where she wasn’t trying to do Flamenco Arms) actually looked really quite good? But sadly, they were all sacrificed to make just another Shoddy Showdance.

It gets a Standing Ovation, and if you took Bruce’s “are you alright darling? Are you crying? They’re really happy! Look!” out of context, broadcast it as sound only to 100 strangers, then asked them to guess the age of the person he was speaking to, your average response would not hit double figures. Bruno starts for the judges and

oh. Erm…thanks Bruno. And bye Tracy. Craig’s next, and he says that he found the transitions into and out of lifts (you know, the bits where she took a run-up and pulled faces like Paul Burrell doing a bushtucker trial the whole time) were a little lumpy, but he appreciates just how much content Vincent threw in there and that she, you know, at least tried it.

Darcey’s next, and she says that she knows that the routine was so so difficult, but musically she thinks Tracy both has “it” and controls “it”. Based on that dance “it” appears to be a bad case of the windypops. Len closes by saying that Tracy may be small (REALLY?) but her talent is huge, and that dance was intoxicating.

IntoxicatED Len. IntoxicatED.

Up to the Tessanine they lead themselves to die, as Tess asks her HOW HER NERVES ARE. It’s a bit late now Tess. The deed is done. Tracy says she’s nervous because it’s the final and Tess hoots “tell me something I don’t know!”. Wow. I think that’s the first sign I’ve ever seen that she notionally knows what the point of interviewing somebody IS. Tracy goes on to say that she loved that dance, and Tess looks at her as if to say

“really?”. She asks Tracy if she’d like to be in the top 3, Tracy says yes, scores are in

35.

Kimberley Walsh & Pasha Kovalev dancing SHOWDANCE

I have to say, Pasha’s reaction to being asked about whether they could win on It Takes Two this week was the best I’ve ever seen. He’d clearly never even thought about it for a moment, bless him. He KNOWS the power of the Bottom 2. Bruce reminds us that Kimberley has been getting Perfect Scores for the last few weeks of the series (just like Lisa Snowdon did) so there are high expectations for their Showdance (a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!).

Training now, and Kimberley tells us that Pasha’s been working really hard on an amazing routine for her.

Hey, sitting through three “Girls Aloud On Tour” DVDs and lifting all the choreography is HARD WORK, don’t look at me like that. Pasha very earnestly tells us that Kimberley will be doing a little bit of everything in the routine – “salsa, cha cha, samba”. So…a salsambcha then. HOW EXCITING! Kimberley then reveals that said showdance is being done to “Crazy In Love” by Beyonce, and in tribute to Sasha Fierce herself, they’re going to make Kimberley’s arse look as massive as possible in her outfit.

I mean…she doesn’t actually SAY that, but I can’t imagine it’s not true.

Pasha and Kimberley are finding training difficult in


different, but equally adorable ways, and then “Something Kinda Oooh!” starts on the playlist and…the thought that they could have done their showdance to that instead actually pains me. Physical pain. If they can get it cleared for the VT, then why not for a whole dance? Sigh.

Blah blah something lifts, blah blah “MY LAST CHANCE TO DANCE WITH PASHA EVER ZOMG!!!” blah blah, lets get on with it.

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Oh yeah, Chekhov’s Hoop. Looming there the whole time, teasing us all. It’s so worth it though. I was half expecting Nicky to burst through at the bit where they sing “oh-oh no-no oh-oh no-no-no”. Well, part of him… Anyway, the routine is to “Crazy In Love” and the singers actually change the lyrics at the start to say “IT’S YOUR GIRL! KIMBERLEY! IT’S YOUR BOY! PASHA!” which is sadly, aside from the forthcoming hoop happenings, the most memorable bit. It’s just a very girlbandy routine, replete with

head-tosses throughout. It’s very anonymous Latin and I think she’s got all of her “BLOODY HELL!” lifts out of her system over the last two weeks, so what’s left is a little undercooked and flappy. And her arse does, truly

look absolutely huge in those trousers. On the other hand



this happens. And on this show unnecessary burning in your hoop is never a bad thing. But only on this show, obviously, girls. See your gynae. Fortunately this IS part of the routine, not Flavia demonstrating what would have happened if they’d pushed Camilla for just one series more. It doesn’t really go anywhere from there, nor can it.

This is what happens when the LaTavia tries to be the Beyonce. Still, better than THE Michelle did at trying to be the Beyonce (oh the memories).

Up on the Tessanine,

Denise smiles down happily on her friend. Apparently they’ve been friends all this time, and yet it was never mentioned. And yet two men speak to one another once and it spawns 72 different “ZOMG BROMANCE!” VTs. And it was ever thus. Anywho, it gets a Standing Ovation, and Bruce’s exhortions to “LOOK! LOOK!” really are getting quite unreasonably aggressive. He’s like a bolshy optician.

Craig starts for the judges

saying the routine was indecent, improper and absolute filth. And he LOVED IT. So many times Craig. So many times with that same exact joke. (Not that I’ve room to talk). Darcey follows, saying that she thinks Kimberley really burnt up the dancefloor. No Darcey, that was the hoop. She loved the wildness, and the freeness, and the spiciness and the dressage into the poncho lift or whatever. It’s the end of the series, I can’t be faffed to look up ballet terms any more. Some times it got a little TOO wild, but Darcey liked it like that. What, even the bit where Kimberley flapped her hair around like the world’s most sodden towel? I guess she’s easily pleased.

WHAT AM I SAYING? IT’S THE FINAL! OF COURSE SHE IS!

Len’s next, and says that the whole dance was “Kimberley’s Greatest Hits”. Oh Len it was not. “Salsambcha” is in nobody’s Greatest Hits, and if it is it’s the equivalent of the new song that nobody wanted. No, scratch that, the SECOND new song that nobody wanted after the first one is alright as a single. Impact, speed, flair. All of these are team-names on the Apprentice. If you squint, you can also apply them to that dance. Bruno?

Thanks Bruno. Never change. You incoherent blur of a human being.

Up to the Tessanine they Beyonce, where Tess calls Kimberley a woman ON FIRE! No, that was in the dress-rehearsals. Oh no, wait, hang on, that was DENISE. Denise set herself on fire in dress-rehearsals. Still it went so much better on the night didn’t it? Anyway Tess and Kimberley then have a

booty-pop off, and I am reminded that it’s been a long, LONG series. Tess then reveals that, of all the celebs on the Tessanine during that dance, Colin was the best booty-shaker. And that it is the only time Colin will be mentioned all night. She then asks Tess how she’d feel not to make the final 3 and she says that she doesn’t want to even THINK about it.

Hey, why not ask her how it would feel to make the Final Two, but have everyone pretend that you might still have been third, just because? Hypothetically. Kimberley promises that she and Pasha will be FRIENDS 4 LYFE,

and then the scores are in

39. Bruno actually goes “DAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” instead of saying 10. Like Chewbacca doing an offensive impersonation of a deaf person. He really is UTTERLY pointless at this juncture isn’t he?

Louis Smith & His Glamorous Nipples dancing SHOWDANCE

Well that’s coming off for a start. Bruce says that Louis has certainly done some amazing(/tacky) tricks and flips over the series, but he wonders if he’s left anything “up his sleeves” for his showdance. He’ll have to find them first.

Training now, and Louis tells us that his showdance will be to “Rule The World” by Take That, meaning that Flavia’s Camilla Madness has officially reached the

Messianic stage. She will rule over us all as our FABULOUS AND POWERFUL QUEEN. I’m surprised they’re not dancing to “The Flood” in reference to the desired effect on the nation’s collective panties. Louis explains that in showdance there’s no boundaries, and you can dance any style you want. Or even

no style at all. What the hell’s that, the Sticklebricks dance? As for this

I guess one day somebody had to check if Matt Di Angelo was still up there. Flavia meanwhile is quite open about her plans

a) tits out
b) glitterball

She says that she hopes the ladies will be happy, and I’d complain about heteronormativity, but not a single other gay man I know likes Louis Smith. This is what happens when you pit him against one of Girls Aloud, a West End Wendy, and someone from kids tv. Throw in a Dr Who companion and they’d probably have him killed.

(Lesbians what now?)

Louis very earnestly then says that, because he’s a gymnast, people are probably expecting lots of tricks and flips in his routine. But he wants to showcase the OTHER side of gymnastics. The strength, the beauty, the artistry. Ha. He’s such a dork. He goes on to say that all the lifts are really risky and oooh

his back is so creaky etc etc. Oddly, they don’t appear to have asked him the “how would you feel if this were to prove to be your last dance with Flavia?” question. Very odd that isn’t it?

TO THE DANCEFLOOR!

Oh Lord.

Good grief.

Crumbs.

OK to start off with, try and make your globe an actual globe shape, not that of a Christmas Pudding. That said, Flavia is the one person coming into this final with a spotless Showdance record (I would argue), with Matt Di Angelo. And the reason that worked for me, is that was probably the least pretentious showdance in the history of the show, in that was basically just a 90 second routine about how they were shagging. And now she’s hurled herself right down the other end of the spectrum, right into a combination of CONTEMPORARY AND ARGENTINE TANGO AND ALSO RUMBA AND FINALLY SOME GYMNASTICS.

Whassat? Honestly, whassat?


What’s this?

And then it ends. Honestly I am BAFFLED here people. BAFFLED.

It gets a Standing Ovation although you can kind of see his (Mortal) Mum thinking

“what the fudge was that?”. Bruce coos and caws and says that he hopes the Royal Ballet were watching and even Louis basically replies “LOL WHUT?”. Bruce then turns to Darcey and insists that she’ll tell him! Won’t you tell him he should be a ballet dancer based on that Darcey?!

Not even in a final Bruce, not even in a final. Regardless, she proclaims herself to be “blown away” and says that she loved the control and the grace of it all. She then commends Flavia on doing such a serene, calm, almost completely dance-free performance for a showdance. It took real guts. Len follows and says at the start he thought

“OH NO, HERE WE GO, IT’S GOING TO BE ALL GYMNASTICS AND FLIPPY STUFF!” but then he saw hints of Louis’ rumba, and he was placated. Whilst appreciating the “gymnastical” side of it. Ie that he was pretty much in the nud. That was pretty “gymnastical”. He then tips the wink, as if we didn’t already know, that Louis has won, by saying that “even if we do this show for another 20 years, we’ll never see a showdance as magical as that one”.

Look at Flavia’s face. She’s not just accepting that glitterball, she’s flipping well eating it.

Bruno’s next.

Thanks Bruno. Craig closes, with a “FAB-U-LUS” AND an “AH-MAY-ZING”. And yet the show is going to be dragged out for another hour at least.

Up on the Tessanine, Tess mugs and flaps and says everyone is lost for words. Louis jokes that it’s not that, it’s just that their microphones aren’t working. Tess thinks he’s being serious. Oh Tess. She then surpasses herself by flat out asking Louis to show her his guns.

He obliges. Tess sighs that she’s being “a tad indulgent”. That’s one word for it yes. Tess asks if he was proud to show off his gymnastic skills, and Louis says that he’s just glad he brought something different to the show. Well…it was certainly that. Tess asks Louis how it will feel whe…sorry IF he wins, and he replies, like everyone else, that he’s just doing it for Flavia at this point, as she’s worked so hard with him, and he can be airhgt pain the arse at times. Flavia’s all

“QUIET MUSCLES, DON’T BLOW IT FOR ME NOW!”. Scores are in

40. Louis is yelling “SWEET! I GOT A 40!” From the very second that Craig flips his paddle over. Which is both endearing AND presumptuous. My favourite blend of Strictly Flavours.

Two Dance Leaderboard?

We got nothing but padding coming up…

23 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 10 – Final (1)

  1. Emmy

    Your recap of Flavia’s descent into full on glitterball madness is the best thing I’ve read all year. Honestly, I’d read a recap of just her increasingly manic faces over the series.

    Poor Tracey. She wasn’t even the youngest on the show, Louis is 3 months younger than her, yet he gets the SEX GOD edit and she gets EMOTIONALLY STUNTED SMURF..

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      He gets to be a blood-curdling zombie, she gets to be Velma (YES, VELMA TRACY, NOT THELMA) from Scooby Doo.

      Reply
  2. Monaogg

    Brilliant. Your screen caps clearly show Tess has learned to express emotion this year. From dismay to despair plus her usual pleased for you grins.
    Also reminded me that I hated Bruce trying to be all yoof and such it was creepy and cringeworthy.

    However, surely you should have said standing ovulations whenever Louis & Flavia finished dancing. 😉

    Looking forward to part 2.

    Reply
  3. Katy

    I’m not surprised that Brendan was looking furious about Flavia and Louis doing that “salsa” it was ripped straight out of his stolen choreography with Spangles Kaplinski!

    Reply
  4. Left Feet

    All the showdances in the last three series have been SHIT, none of the pro’s seem to have an orginal idea between them to actually show off their celeb with something a bit differient. Wish somebody had the balls to actually try something new, and no a gym routine on a gaint ball is most defientely not it.

    Reply
  5. ooh

    Amazing work. I still haven’t worked out whose fault the Denise mess is, but I’m tempted to blame James because he has a large ‘James factor’.
    Also my sympathies for Zoe have gone right up since I realised that she isn’t joking and really *does* have a giant hopeless crush on Ian. The last time they were on, you could even hear him muttering “I love you, but not in the same way” and looking all awkward.

    Reply
  6. PadsterMo

    I haven’t felt this ‘meh’ about a final since the last one…………that’s the problem with foregone conclusions I guess! It must be the Matt v Alesha rose-tinted glasses that make me look forward to the showdances each year, because I genuinely struggle to remember any after series 5. I don’t really have any opinion on the Judge’s Choice dances, but for the showdances:

    – Denise and James – As observed, Snowdance by someone capable of it. I do think James is a good choreographer, and Denise was excellent, but they were never going to overcome the hurdles of a) being James, who has not and never will be forgiven for series 4; and b) being Denise, the most evil ringer in all the land.

    – Dani and Vincent – Bonkers song choice. Bonkers choreography. Basically, Vincent dusted of his choreography from the Eurovision Dance Contest when he competed with Louisa, changed the song, and hoped no-one would notice. Except Louisa was more capable than Dani.

    – Kimberley and Pasha – not bad. Not great either – a bit sloppy, disco-Latin-by-numbers. The fusion dance would have been a better showdance than what we got.

    – Louis and Flavia – Subtle costuming. Impressive gymnastics, but the actual dancing left me cold. Couldn’t she have unleashed her tango again or something?

    I assume Tess’ dress was a wardrobe-based tribute to Snowdance to go alongside the choreography-based tribute?

    ps – Love the fairytales!

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Part of me thinks they should just replace the showdance with the fusion round. It makes more sense, to be honest. Half of the showdances were “fusions” anyway. and it probably would have cut out the more ghastly parts of Louis’.

      Reply
  7. jspanero

    I used to work with Tracy Beaker. She was a pleasant enough girl (compared to some of the CHILD ACTOR HORRORS I had to deal with) but once we got talking about the record she was planning to release (this was at the height of the Hanna Montana craze) she started listing her “musical influences” and how they were going to be reflected on the record, and she actually said “you know, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, QUEEN, that sort of thing” TOTALLY STRAIGHT-FACED.

    Then THIS came out:

    That showdance was CURSED from the get-go.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I looked briefly at her twitter earlier in the series and her bio is something like “living in a world of glitter, pirates, make-believe, magical fairies and CLASSIC ROCK” and suddenly a lot made sense.

      Reply
  8. Stormy

    And now, Vincent has his own version of Snowdance. (ie, a dance that you just stare at and think “WTF AM I WATCHING??”) That, plus Liftacular, Standard Pop Bopping Around and LOL Was I Supposed To Be Dancing In This? …I just cannot. I have lost the ability to can.

    If it were true that everything could be won or lost by the showdance, I’d say everyone lost.

    Reply
      1. Stormy

        All I know is that I felt like someone had slipped some drugs into my drink when I was watching it. Maybe time has softened the Snowdance blow for me.

  9. pamminxy

    thank you Monkseal – your recap (inc reader comments) is the only redeeming feature of the meh mess of the final I could only vote on a couple of polls because most of it was too much effort and there wasn’t a none of the above option.
    Now stop procrastinating and let us have part 2 please!

    yes DeKness van Ringahs show dance was competent (tho boy she covered some ground on her solo spins which should have stayed on the spot lol ) but I was still bored, bored and yes bored. Yes dear we know you can spin. Yes dear we know you can do lifts. No dear I still didn’t like it. Jeez I preferred Bacofoil – even without the brilliant comments. And I only refer to her as a ringah cos it’s fun since she so hotly denies it – I don’t care. I just want entertaining but she just leaves me indifferent, the competence and HARD WORK doesn’t make up for what is lacking but highlights it

    If Pasha makes another final someone please hit him repeatedly over the head until he forgets about trying to incorporate disco. As he said to Chelsee (after showing he can do a move) – Let’s not ever do that again.

    I used to like the showDANCES (yes even puppetgate). I may need to go check out past ones to see if my memories are rose tinted

    Bring back Katya and Ian to replace Bobby/Anton – Ian even managed to improve Michelle W that week he had her.

    Ps I keep forgetting to ask who Barrowmanlight is – I can’t work it out

    (off for a leisurely reread now )

    Reply
  10. Chrissy

    Love this XD Except for the links to pics of Louis naked, which I stupidly clicked on. Nearly threw up in my mouth at the one with the wine bottle *shudder*

    Reply

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