Little Lisa goes back to Manchester.
MY EYES! MY EYES! IT’S LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE HEART OF THE SUN! I do love that, even in the middle of this lovely snowy white virginal tribute to peace on Earth at Christmas Time, Natalie is still wearing a leopardprint bodice. She’s such a bogan. As you can tell from the fact that the show’s got its ballroom pairings out, this is going to be a ballroom showpiece, in this case to “What The World Needs Now (Is Nobody Other Than Dionne Warwick To Sing This Song, Except Possibly Karen Carpenter, And Even Then…)”. Eagle-eyes amongst you will spot that Ballroom Mainstays Erin and Natalie are being joined here by Ola Jordan. Who is being partnered by
Artem Chigvintsev. Wow, someone took James saying his rumba with Denise was the best dance he’s ever done on Strictly HARD didn’t she? It’s like watching her actually cheat on him, in the sexy way, in front of our very eyes. Although good choice on who to diddle the deed with, Ola (*wink*).
Everyone whirls around passive-aggressively lecturing God about how they don’t WANT another bloody moonbeam THANKS GOD, I wanted an X BOX, and everyone
does the usual floaty Shitake Mushroom Moment lifts. It’s all very classy and elegant and 50s chintz and then Natalie SWISHES her skirt in everyone’s face like a pirate wench and winks down the camera, before flashing her knickers to everyone.
ARR, MATEYS! She always does know how to raise the tone doesn’t she?
Then in the middle
the men have a bow-off. Artem wins. Erin books in Anton’s surgery for Tuesday. Ah Christmas on Erin Island.
And Natalie’s already hit the three drink minimum at the bar. She’s off to stick carrot-penises on all the snowmen.
As she galavants off, full of festive cheer, it’s time for all the children in the audience to avert their eyes.
Because you can totally see Tess’ peplum in that dress. It’s practically winking at me. Tess herself tells us that tonight we will discover who will make the most talked about final in Strictly history. What, they’re sending the loser back in time to compete in the CONTROVERSY FEST that was the Series 6 final? As punishment? I don’t care how annoying Lisa has got, she deserves better than to have to sit through those three bloody foxtrots again. Claudia then tells us that as well as our exciting results, we’re getting TWO performances from Katherine Jenkins.
You can tell she’s trying to make herself go cross-eyed a bit when she announces it. I feel her, in spirit. The Welsh Windbag will be both singing AND dancing for us. Although not at the same time. And occasionally, not even individually.
We’re also given notice that Len’s Glans has been worn down to its bloody nub, and so has to be retired after tonight, and there will be a dance-off, the loser of which “will drive home for Christmas empty-handed”. Well you’d hope so. It’d be a bit dangerous otherwise. Tess reminds us that this dance-off will be decided by our opinions of their performances from the last weekend, when each couple performed “two dazzling dances”. No they didn’t Tess, they did one “dazzling dance” and one half-cocked bit of toss they knocked together on Friday evening. As is always the case in Two Dance Week, especially since Brenda brought TACTICS into it (thanks Brenda).
Here, excited to get to nail the lid down firmly on Denise’s coffin, then hurl it down a hill with Lisa riding it doing jazz hands, are our judges.
Somebody send Darcey to an acting coach please.
Time for a recap of last night’s doings. I, personally, even at my advanced staged of Strictly Learnedness, discovered the following things :
it doesn’t matter if you are a Sexy Ginger, you do not get in Erin Boag’s way ; the show really does just
paint them all orange ; Tracy doesn’t want Vincent to make her do it, whatever IT is ; Denise knows who’s been calling her a ringer on the Internet and she
KNOWS WHERE WE LIVE ; Vincent still thinks that joke about how they got one 10 each is endearing ; Louis believes that his jive was the first time he let his nerves get the better of him, because apparently he thinks we’ve all forgotten Wembley, where he ran around in a circle with a flop sweat on then did some body-popping ; there’s absolutely no reason not to vote for Denise other than if you believe all the LIES about how she ever danced ever, definitely not say
bragging about how many 10s you’ve got whilst high-fiving James and doing a smugoid victory dance ; Nicola Roberts sister is the one person in the world more sullenly dead-pan than she is
; Lisa found herself flopping around on the floor like one of those Fishy Fortune Tellers you get in Christmas Crackers even funnier than we did ; and that she and Robin are
going out dignified.
Are we ready for our one Safety Sex-Face of this pass?
So meagre. The scream’s worth it though. On the other hand, finding themselves cast out into the dance-off are :
these two. Unsafety Sex-Faces there if ever I saw them. Still, they truly are the People’s Champions. Tess tells the other three couples that they all have to wait to find out which of them gets to boot Lisa out the door. Tess then turns to Craig and says “Let’s talk Lisa” making her sound a bit like venereal disease in Year 10 Public Health class. Tess wants to know what Lisa has to do to get through the dance-off. Renegotiate her cut of the takings from Strictly Confidential maybe? Craig clearly considers making a brief stumping that the producers change the rules so that Louis has to dance his jive if he’s in the Bottom Two, just because. But then settles on just saying that Lisa should come out and sell it and show us the big personality who all love so much and all that GUFF.
We’re right up to Claud 9 next or, as I have renamed it for one week only
“Gloating Corner”. Claudia has lined up our three couples still in jeopardy, and is forcing them to watch as she goads Kimberley into smugly grinning in disbelief about how AMAZING it feels to DEFINITELY be in the final.
Denise & James probably make the best job of not looking like they want to stab her in the tits. Surprisingly. Claudia then turns to them and makes sure to give them an extra big
FACE OF GENUINE CONCERN AND EMPATHY. Tracy says she’s terrified, Denise whimpers that she finds the wait the hardest part (yeah, we’d noticed), and Louis grunts that it’s tough. Claudia tells them that she’s going to make things ALL BETTER for them now. With some KATHERINE JENKINS!
Well somebody got a good deal on her balloons didn’t she? She’s singing “Santa Baby” which in terms of finding a song that meshes PERFECTLY with her vocal range and delivery style, is a bit like watching Eddie Vedder singing “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)” or Earth Kitt singing “Caught By The Fuzz”. Santa Baby is all about being breathy, suggestive and knowing. Katherine Jenkins is all about sounding like a drowsy bee drowning in a jar of marmalade. All this and the fake eyelash on her left eye is clearly altogether too heavy for her. Watching her try to blink is like watching your nan trying to dead-lift the sofa.
I’m not a Katherine Jenkins fan. You may have noticed.
Midway through, on burst
ROBIN & KRISTINA! Spiritual heirs to the mantle of Slutty Santa. Let’s face it, these two are a Saucy St Nick photoshoot waiting to happen. They thrash about in a sexual fashion as Katherine plays sexy by welding her hands to her arse and wanging it from side to side like she’s trying to shut the fridge door with it.
AND THERE’S STILL MORE TO COME. Sadly we don’t cut to Gethin at any point in the performance. He was probably sticking the Vs up throughout.
And now it’s time for our last “Len’s Glans” of the series. Remember the final Len’s Glans of last series? Remember how it was entirely them trying to make Claudia calling Russell “The Grant” happen? This is at least better than that. The judges file in and Bruno’s
half-cut version of Santa Baby is better than Jenkins’ and he’s literally just going “da doopy doopy da doo da doo”. Whatever he’s singing, it’s made Len finally pass that kidney stone, so HOORAY.
We start, for the clips, with Kimberley’s Charleston cartwheels.
Yup, that’s the bit of her Perfect Dance they’re leading off with. Inelegant mid-air analingus Well done editors. Len crows about how brilliant her Charleston was, and how it definitely deserved 40/40, just as every other Charleston has got this year, to the best of my recollection. Denise’s tango face is next
and just look at it go. It’s like there’s a sale on at GHD and her car won’t start. We’re then reminded that Craig only scored her 9 for it, presumably to preserve the PURITY OF TANGO as one of the few dances not to have a 40 flobbed on it for the sake of it. We’re then shown a treat of a clip of Craig wafting his 9 paddle around, and the other judges reacting in DISGUST that anybody would be proud to give such a SHITTY SCORE as a 9. This culminates firstly in Craig saying that normally he keeps HIS self-respect intact and Len growling
“you flaunt a 10! You don’t flaunt a 9!”
Oh Len, if you had a 9 you’d flaunt it, trust me.
Next we get that clip of Vincent “wishing” for he and Tracy to make the final. Amateur. If you’re not praying to win, you’re not praying at all. Bruno says that he agrees with Vincent, and that he and Tracy should be in the final because of journeys and improvements and stuff. We are then treated to an even sadder sight
Bruce splashing himself in the face with the water in the fountain. Can someone tell him that’s not Tracy’s bath?
Claudia asks if the audience want a Len’s Glans montage. They say “yes”. I say “no”.
Are you ready for the VERY LAST Strictly Safety Sex-Face of the series?
Take us home, Louis. This leaves us with Denise vs Tracy. Whichever of the two has the most public votes is safe, the other is in the Dance-Off.
Never really in any doubt was it? Somewhere in the background Bruno makes a noise like a llama phlegming up. Meanwhile Vincent is busy pantomiming overcome surprise and glee at being safe
just so he can look up Tracy’s skirt. Oh Vincent, you old Italian Stereotype to the last. Tess then turns to Len, who has the casting vote, and as if to remove all suspense from this already slack as Arlene’s knickers show, and reminds him that he said that the final wouldn’t be the final without Denise in it.
YES IT WOULD! Kimberley vs Louis vs Tracy would have been a perfectly good final, thanks, before you changed the sodding rules to cram as many people into the final as humanly possible. And that’s speaking as someone who’d vote for Denise over Tracy at this point in time. Four couples in the final is too many, especially as they’ll be dancing about as many dances as the TWO couples in the Series 5 final, ESPECIALLY AS TWO OF THEM ARE GOING TO BE SODDING CHARLESTONS.
Len confirms that all Denise has to do to win the dance-off is “CAHM AHT”. Woo.
Up to an
altogether chirpier Claud 9 now, with our three sets of finalists. Claudia marvels at Vincent’s OTT reaction to being safe, and then asks Tracy if she’s nervous about doing the three dances of the final. The Judges Choice, The Contestants Choice, and the Shitty Showdance.
Vincent scoffs that he and Tracy could do TEN dances in the final. Do they even learn that many any more? Claudia then turns to Louis and asks if he’s regained the power of speech from when he just grunted at her earlier. He replies that he’s out-of-breath just from standing there waiting for his name to be called out. Yeah, Holly Valance used to have that problem as well. Lazy cow. (LOVE HER SO MUCH).
well look who it is again. Claudia tells us all that we should be very impressed because Katherine here finished runner-up on Dancing With The Stars, narrowly beating some underwear model. So she’s going to do us all a favour by dancing for us, with her partner – overdancer supreme Mark Ballas. Master of
subtle and understated choreography. They’re doing a jive like smacked-out muppets to “Aint Nothing Wrong With That”.
Fun Mark Ballas Facts.
- His mother is Crazy Shirley Ballas, of Series 7 Group Dance fame
- He has a GIANT tattoo of like, angels and stuff on his back
- He has won Dancing With The Stars twice and has made five (!) finals
- He has his own band
- He once popped an actual boner during a dance live on television
- He made Bristol Palin do a dance inside a monkey costume
- Even he couldn’t make Kim Kardashian bearable
And those are your Mark Ballas Facts.
Back up to Claud 9 now, and Claudia reminds our finalists that they have to learn three dances next week.
THREE! Well….not learn so much as “repeat” in the case of two of them. But it’s still REALLY HARD. We then get a VT montage of Tess announcing that there will indeed be THREE DANCES PERFORMED BY ALL COUPLES (except Denise & James) NEXT WEEK. Not that this show is short on content this week or anything. Once it’s done, it’s time to dive fully into the
Vale Of Tears that is the dance-off. You can just SEE the speeches a-brewing inside James can’t you? Lisa says she’s going to go out there tonight, and enjoy every moment of her dance just like she’s enjoyed every moment of the entire series. Like when her rumba got criticised, for example. Mercifully, James lets Denise handle the speaking during this segment. It’s probably for the best. She even manages to say “somebody has to be in the bottom 2, and it just happens to be us” rather than “THIS IS A DANCING COMPETITION! VOTE FOR ME BECAUSE I’M THE BEST, YOU TWATS!”
Not that it would have made any difference to the final result, but I’m sure the public would have conspired to somehow make her finish fifth out of four couples in the final anyway. All of the judges save Denise, of course, although they all make a MASSIVE meal of it like it’s a really tough choice. Just remember this when they all lecture us on how we should have had Denise win in future. They pretended like it was feasible they’d turf her out over the woman who did “Bring Me Sunshite”.
Lisa absolutely nailed her dance-off incidentally. Which just makes it sadder that it was so flat during the actual show. Never mind. She says that she’s had the best time of her life, and thanks everyone both backstage and front of house for making her Strictly dreams come true.
Then we get a Best Bits reel for her, then everyone in the entire audience cries spontaneously, then a parade is held through the streets of London in her honour, then December 15th is officially made Lisa Riley Day, then “dance” is simultaneously redefined in all dictionaries to simply mean “what Lisa Riley does”.
LISA RILEY – PEOPLE’S CHAMPION (5th place)