It’s officially the semi finals, and on top of that it’s Two Dance Week, so the floodgates have been opened for two things. Tens and babies. Yes, BABY WARZ are all over our semi-finals, as three of our contestants throw their children/nephews/random hanger-on kids at the camera in the VTs in a desperate attempt to get into the final. None of them apparently having noticed just how well this worked for Nicky Westlife in the long run. The only ones without kids in their locker are Dani (who just has a younger sister) and Louis, who has to make do with Aston JLS. Who he probably COULD pretend was his child, but he’s just too honest and REAL for that.
On the lesser matter of the dancing, it’s a rum night, with everybody bar Lisa picking up multiple 10s as we hurtle into the final reckoning. And in terms of the prevailing mood of the show, I’m contrary to it with every individual pair of dances. Well…apart from Louis, but I can’t imagine anybody stating that Louis’ High School themed jive, where he’s flat-footed, jabby, and nearly pulls the entire set down on top of him, is better than his charming (if slightly sea-sick) foxtrot to that Gotye song. Unless they were actually shutting their eyes and pointing, and even then I think their subconscious would guide them in the right direction via second sight. Still, Flavia promises a nude showdance, so there’s that.
With everyone else? I’m vaguely baffled. In fairness it’s understandable with Kimberley, who falls victim to one of Len’s sporadic enforcements of the rules of the American Smooth, whatever they’re supposed to be this week. Fortunately, Pasha’s breaking of the CAST-IRON LAWS OF CHOREOGRAPHY only results in the docking of one mark, and as a result her sexy, sultry routine to Fever scores 39, and this, combined with another Perfect Score for YET ANOTHER OVERMARKED CHARLESTON FFS (*breaths into paper bag*) puts her snugly at the top of the leaderboard. Just behind her is Denise, who starts off with an excellent, hyper-aggressive tango to “Roxanne” (our fourth ever) but then follows it up with a truly RIDICULOUS rumba, with her running around in her night-dress over-acting wildly, and being paid back in kind by James. Whilst it’s the former that gets the higher score (and the loudest audience reaction), it’s the latter which prompts torrents of tears and gasping from all of the show’s staff. To me it just looked like a Hollyoaks tribute to Streetcar Named Desire. And as hilarious as that stands.
Saddest probably is the fact that, having spent the last month or so on tenterhooks eagerly anticipating a Flavia vs Vincent ARGENTINE TANGO FACE-OFF OF DEATH, all the (mostly invented in my head) hype culminates in one fairly indifferent premature Argentine Tango where Vincent has clearly given of his best in terms of his choreography, but Tracy can’t quite match it. Her American Smooth is, to my mind, a much stronger effort, even if it does appear to be being danced on the set of Honey I Shrunk The Kids. Either way she finishes a credible 3rd, behind Denise, but ahead of Louis.
Which just leaves Lisa to bring up the rear, with a joyous MESS of a salsa that climaxes in her skidding around on her arse, being hauled up by Robin, then standing on the spot doing choo-choo arms with Robin for 15 seconds or so. She follows this up with a dry as dirt American Smooth that closes out the show. It feels like a goodbye dance. It probably will be.