X Factor 2012 – THE FINAL!

No I hadn’t forgotten. No matter how hard I tried.

Christopher Maloney : And so The Faily Star was right. I feel so dirty even acknowledging it. But Christopher Maloney was beating everybody handily for the whole series until the CRISIS EVENT of James vs Ella happened and everyone started voting for credibility or looking like he might know how to play the guitar or singing like you’re doing squat thrusts or whatever it was they saw in James Arthur. Still, Christopher winded up providing the most entertainment in the final, not via either of his performances (although watching Barlow grim-face out “Rule The World” for the billionth time, ignoring Maloney utterly was pretty hilarious, as what that giant cassette player), but via the ever-expanding, possibly utterly imaginary tidal wave of madness that accompanied his failure to attend the second half of the finale. If you listened to the press he turned up drunk and violent, called Carolynne Poole a “See You Next Tuesday” (at auditions for The Voice, no doubt), then had to be thrown out, after which he spent the entirity of the show trying to barge his way back in, in increasingly comical ways. And yet they chose to televise Jahmene and James singing instead. No wonder ratings are on the slide…

Jahmene Douglas: So Jahmene Douglas was second. And I don’t just mean in the final, I mean generally. Like, every week other than one, when he was third. Occasionally you get the odd contestant who the British public really want to win, and can’t be stopped, but it’s very rare that you get a contestant that the public so badly want to see fall at the final hurdle. What is it about Jahmene that made people feel this way? The giggle? The Flandersesque religious devotion? His endless non-stop earnestness? Whatever it was, it was even affecting Nicole by the end, as she turned MIC-TEEF to deny him of his moment of duet glory. Not since Christina Aguilera ascended from her pit and devoured Rebecca Ferguson has a Special Guest Star so dominated a duet. My favourite Jahmene related moment of the final (apart from realising that he actually WAS planning to release “Let It Be” as his Winner’s Single which…OF COURSE HE WAS) was when he told jAMES aRTHUR TO USE the platform he had been given well, and James looked like he was giving it about the same level of serious consideration as he was snogging Jahmene on the spot.

James Arthur : Your winner, ladies and gentleman, and now holder of the record of the highest first-day series sales total of any Winner’s Single ever. I’m sure these dizzy heights will last. James also holds the distinction of being the only winner of the show ever to have been in the Bottom 2, and one of the few men ever to hold that distinction on any reality show. He RODE that tidal wave of crappy fake outrage all the way to the win, and bless him for it. My other favourite “voting revealed” highlights are : what must have seemed like the terrifying inexorable rise of District Twee, as they increased in vote share every week until…they didn’t ; the public correctly endorsing Spraggers lesbimazing version of Golddigger as her best performance ; Rylan getting his most votes for calling Barlow fat ; Medusa almost surviving Week 2 ; LOL Kyesones ; LOL Jade Thingy ; LOL Union Jizz.

I’m glad James won anyway. I liked his voice, I liked his hyperventilating, I liked his simultaneous distrust of Nicole as everything he hates about music combining POWERFULLY with his desire to do her up the wrong ‘un, I liked his creepy baby ass and his shitty tattoos and his bedsit. Compare that with the OVERWHELMING TIDAL WAVE OF SLUDGE that were Little Mix, and this series at least has something to recommend it. Sort of.

Ah well, until next year, when Simon presumably torches the place for the insurance money…


6 thoughts on “X Factor 2012 – THE FINAL!

  1. Ferny

    I so wish they had backstage footage of Maloney (as he is now known – like Madonna or Cher), that would have been amazing, because he always had a creepy sheen of smiley face on X Factor…in fact my favourite Kye moment (and there were so many..) is when he was on Xtra Factor and he was asked if Maloney called him something rhyming with ‘bat’ at a party. I’ve never seen anyone say ‘YES’ so loudly whilst saying ‘no’ – whilst Maloney gave it ‘innocent face’ of course.

    I suppose James was the best winner possible so yay! Apparently the arena auditions are disappearing next year which is brilliant, as I freakin’ hate audience reactions and booing, and I was very annoyed when they were changed a few years ago. Deafening silence is always funnier in a little room 🙂

    1. monkseal Post author

      It’s a better start to the Journey as well. It kind of works on BGT because you only ever see people perform 3-4 times anyway but on this show it’s a bit OTT to start things off with an arena performance.

  2. Carl

    It’s kind of hilarious that I still hear people say, “Bring Cheryl back!” when she’s filed a lawsuit. I could see it happening though.

    Simon would be better off not coming back, as I think people are just weary of him, and some of his facework.

  3. ooh

    I am so thankful to Nicole and/or James for choosing to redo “Let’s Get It On” instead of another sincere serious deep ballid. It was one of the best surprises I’ve ever had in reality tv (althought the performance was a bit ‘biggest bloke in the FE college disco using his manly charms’)

  4. rmdbutler

    I think the “BOO HOO I LIVED IN A BEDSIT” was worse than anything Little Mix or St Jesy turned out last year. Having said that, my almost fanatical desire for a Scherzinger victory laid with either James or Jahmene, and since the latter sounds like an angry Dead Metal from Robot Wars at full blast, I was pretty happy with the result.

    Spraggan’s lezbimazing “Gold digger” was also my fave, not just because she was very good, and her obvious perving of the dancers was extremely endearing, but the way Nicole was all “BET YOU LIKED THAT” as she would have been with a straight male contestant. I suppose I just like the gays being normalised on primetime ITV. Plus, you know. Scherzinger.


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