No more no-no…
We start with…
oh good. It’s yet another “Mad Hatter’s Tea Party” themed segment. I know I have jaded eyes when it comes to reality tv, but at this stage “things relating to the Mad Hatters Tea Party” is right at the bottom of the list of themes I want to see for things, along with “sort of The Lion King” and “a tribute to Elvis Presley”. I quite liked when Hira buried her face in a giant cupcake in Big Brother 10, this is quite fun, everything else can do one.
NO OLA, I’LL SAY WHAT I WANT! YOU CANNOT SILENCE THE TRUTH!
Ola is actually shushing, not because of my blog (because let’s face it, if she did, she’d never stop) but because the routine is being danced to “It’s Oh So Quiet” by Bjork. And that has a lot shushing in it. So Ola periodically shushes the audience
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until she finds herself
dancing up and down on the dining table. I know Alice was supposed to be a bit of a dizzy bint, but I’m sure even she would have thought better of that one. Anyway, of course Ola’s tap-dancing on the table wakes everybody up, and then she dances with James
done up like the Mad Hatter. Except it’s Tim Burton’s version of The Mad Hatter so of course he looks like something that fell out of Atmosfear or Killer Klowns From Outer Space after he’s tubmled through the Strictly Make-Up department. Everyone else is decked up like playing cards, and the dance is basically them all stomping on and off the table like it’s getting in the way of a really good game of “What’s The Time Mr Wolf?” where the force apt to stop them in their tracks at any second isn’t “Mr Wolf”, so much as “self-awareness”. Oh and they occasionally do a bit of waltz. Very occasionally.
Erin’s clear and itchy distress as what they’ve done to her hair is my favourite part. It’s like a very pissy bridesmaid. In the end, she and Aliona throw Ola off the table, and then she kind of…vaguely twizzles out of Wonderland. It looks a bit like the end of Nicky’s cha-cha. Then all the playing cards
lie down for some reason and Ola
goes “shush!” again, except the camera lingers FAR too long on her face and her wig is busted at this point, so it’s just the capper to a very very indifferent routine indeed. It’s not exactly been a vintage bunch of pro-dances this year has it?
Everyone retreats back beyond the Looking-Glass (to scrub that fugly make-up off) and it’s time for us to meet Tess & Claudia again.
Hang on, I feel I should pan back, so you can see Claudia in her full majesty.
It’s very Madonna isn’t it? What era I’m not sure, more the “I’ve just come out in my pants today to be honest, and called it a “reinvention” ” vibe. She tells us that our musical guest this evening will be Grammy Award winner, Mickey Bubbles ; we’ve got more of Len’s Glans to deal with that we could ever expect or want to, and finally, two of the couples will be reprising their
fusions in the
dance-off. Very good ladies, now do “Heads, Shoulders Knees And Toes”. And of course, said dance-off will be judged by these fine individuals.
Look! Darcey has an introduction gesture now as well! It’s erm…a wave. Well, it suits her personality if nothing else. Introductions over, it’s time to learn things again, via the medium of the recap within a recap.
I personally learnt that this woman
wants Dani to win ; this man
wants Louis to win (quick, check to see if he has ovaries…) ; this woman
sort of wants Kimberley to win, if pushed ; Kate Thornton
wants Denise to win EVEN THOUGH SHE IS THE LIVE TOUR HOST OMG CONFLICT OF INTERESTS BURN HER ; nobody wants Lisa to win, and yet HERE SHE IS ; Lisa’s hair WASN’T HER REAL HAIR
IT WAS FAKE HAIR FROM OUT OF A BAG! ; Kristina is
still here, and still fabulous ; Nicky spent most of this week looking for someone to fill the hole left by Michael DYING and he eventually settled on Louis ; Craig says “fusion” like he’s audition for the role of Frank N Furter ; Tracy
doesn’t think much to these curtains ; Karen is
crying again ; Nicky intends to show the judges everything he’s got in the dance-off later – someone get the metre rule out ; Tracy was very pleased to get two tens ; Flavia is very pleased to get “tens again” ; Flavia always includes the imaginary 10 she gives to all her partners for every dance ; except Craig Kelly ; Kimberley was still screaming her head off backstage
to the degree that I’m disappointed we didn’t see her doing the same all through the Results Show as well ; Len enjoyed Fusion Week what a surprise.
Time now for our first two Safety Sex-Faces of the week :
We’ve so few left. I hope you’ve already getting your favourites of the series ready to vote in the Monkies, because I’ve got a feeling it’s going to be a tight-run race this year. Plunging into the Bottom 2 however
are these two, to the surprise of nobody. Tess turns to Bruno and tells him that she distinctly heard him shouting “DISGRACEFUL!” when Nicky was put in the Bottom 2. Bruno protests that he wasn’t saying “DISGRACEFUL!”. He was saying
“IT’S CRAIG’S FAULT!”. Top 5 Bruno moment of all time yes? He says that Nicky is clearly in the dance-off because of Craig’s 5 (he…isn’t, but whatever gets you to sleep at night Bruno) and if you were marking Nicky on effort, he’d get a 10. Bruno says that like he doesn’t give 10s for “wearing a sparkly dress”, “having nice hair” and “making me smile”. He goes on to say that it’s just sad that Nicky got two completely incompatable dances. But that’s just fate! Honest! It’s just how it happens sometimes! IGNORE THE TYRE-MARKS ON HIS NO-NO! Bruno closes by saying it’s going to be difficult for Nicky if he moves on to a semi. Even more difficult for the show’s tailors I’d imagine.
Up to Claud 9 now where
Vincent’s little face of glee at getting through is almost enough to make me want him to win the whole series, and they’re only my third favourite couple. Kimberley’s Joy Face is, as ever, a more
terrifying affair. She grins to Claudia that getting a 40 last night still feels like a dream to her, and Claudia beams that it even got a 10 from CRAIG and he’s only ever got his 10 paddle out about twice before! See, with Claudia that’s whimsy, whereas after “I’VE NEVER SCORED LOUIS HIGHER THAN A 6!”, I think Craig might actually believe it. Claudia then goes on to congratulate Pasha on winning plaudits for his choreography, and Pasha smiles sappily that he’s just really proud of Kimberley and all that she’s achieved. We then move on to Tracy who grins happily that she got her first tens! One for her, and one for Vincent! Good Lord, you can tell it’s nearly the end of the series can’t you? All the people still in are acting like they’re on their gay honeymoon whilst out in the wilderness Fern’s on the radio being all “ARTEM NEVER LIKED ME, BUT I SAT ON HIM TIL HE DID!” and Jerry doesn’t even remember who Anton is.
Vincent then reveals to us all that he and Tracy will be performing the Argentine Tango in the semi-finals, which really thrills Tracy, but leaves me devastated that I have been denied the Final Two Flavia vs Vincent Argentine Tango Face-Off of my dreams. In my head, a small child would have been immaculately born in the middle of that dancefloor last night. A boy. They would have called him “Argie Simone”. He would have been born with a little moustache. But it is not to be.
Claudia now tells us that it’s time to get ourselves ready for Christmas, by innoculating ourselves with a small dose of Michael Buble, just to prepare us for the long Buble slog ahead with our mothers, sisters, batty aunts, and that one uncle who keeps on insisting on telling you that Michael Buble is the one guy he’d go gay for. As introduced by Anton & Erin!
TAH DAH! They should introduce everything.
Mickey is singing “It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas” or, as you might now know it, and indeed every other Christmas song – “That Song From That Advert”. The fact that his stage-set is very similar to the one for Kimbotley’s Paso Doble
kind of makes me imagine Pasha running out halfway through and ravaging him. Instead, it’s just
old Anton & Erin coming out to be aggressively classy, as they apparently are contracted to be at least twice per series. At least this time there’s no marauding army of Tom Chambers clones to ruin things.
BRING BACK HARRY CONNICK JR!
Off to Len’s Glans now where he’s
QUITE LITERALLY VOMITTING CONFETTI! Although that’s clearly preferable to what he looks like he’s doing when Kimberley’s Perfect Fusion is mentioned.
Him and Bruno both. Claudia picks around their O Faces to say that she too loved the dance. In fact her favourite part was when Craig gave it a 10 and Darcey looked shocked. Yeah…not really selling the DAHNCE to me there, to be honest. Claudia asks Len to explain why he thought it was so amazing and he replies that it was because Kimberley captured the spirit of both genres. Also he saw her knickers in one of the kicks. From Len, A TEN! We’re then reminded that, until now, she has been stuck on 34, the poor thing. If Denise got a 34 it usually meant James had dropped her on her face or she’d forgotten the routine. For Kimberley, that was her PEAK.
Louis is next, and we discuss how he moved SEEMLESSLY from one dance to the other…as we see a cut by the editors from the middle of one dance to the middle of the other. SEEMLESS indeed. Darcey enthuses about his lovely long elegant lyrical arms, describing them as “tender” as though she’s considering slathering them with BBQ sauce and chewing on them for dinner. Oddly enough leaves his hands out of the discussion entirely. We are then treated to a shot of he and Flavia flapping in unison
like two pigeons having a very lazy shag. Denise is revisited after this, as we watch in agonising slow motion the moment she
CAUGHT HER HEEL IN HER DRESS! Sadly we don’t see her recounting this moment in slow-motion, wafting her busted skirt at Bruce like a demented can-can dancer. Craig says it was really sad because he really enjoyed her kicks, but she was clearly doing them too high. Len then grumbles out loud about how Craig is being MEAN and he should blame the dress, not Denise. Yes, quite, who would blame Denise for getting her foot caught in her dress? Certainly not Len. Craig smarms back that in dancing, one has to be aware of one’s costume. Craig, if half of the female contestants were “aware” of what Wardrobe had stuffed them into, they’d run off crying. Sod the dance.
Speaking of which
it appears Tracy just realised. As she covers up, Bruno gushes about how her routine was PURE JOY and had REAL SYNC! Claudia meanwhile has her own moment of “pure joy” to show everyone.
Nobody talks about Nicky, because he’s already been eliminated. It happened on Monday, at 4:00pm, but they’re only going to tell him now. As if to compound this, Claudia reveals that next week, FOR THE FIRST TIME, the couples will be learning two new dances in one week. Whatever Claudia, Nicky had about 6 new ones in his fusion…
Time for our last Safety Sex-Face of the quarter-finals?
She adds some Safety Sex-Noises as well, just to make the moment extra special. They go something like this : “OH ROBIN! OH ROBIN! OH NO! OH HO HO HO HO! THANK YOU! HO HO HO!”. This leaves Louis & Flavia and Denise & James as the two waiting for the final unlucky dance-off victim to be revealed.
She nods her head up and down going “WE KNEW! WE KNEW!”. The producers cancel the night’s second musical guest, Cee-Lo Green, so that James can give a speech. Tess turns to Darcey, and sighs that Denise was one of the LEADING CONTENDERS AT THE START OF THE COMPETITION! WHAT HAPPENED? (The cushion they could conceivably place beneath her in the judges table got smaller and smaller? That’s what happened?) Anyway, Tess asks Darcey what Denise has to do to ensure she gets into the semi-finals, and doesn’t lose to Nicky Byrne in a dance-off. Not die? Darcey replies that she is too shocked to answer. She never expected Denise (fourth on a leaderboard of six) to be in the dance-off. She’ll be in her trailer, mourning the PURITY OF DAHNCE!
Back to Claud 9 now, as Darcey weeps delicately into a hankie and the producers
pray Claudia keeps her knees together. Claudia tells Lisa that she was astonished by her orgasmic reaction to being safe, and she wasn’t sure who was crying more – Lisa or Robin. In all that screaming and shouting and panting, it was hard to keep track of who trod on whose foot, I guess? She then tells Lisa that she can remove her lucky elastic band.
It’s the one she pinged at Denise’s heel mid dance. TAKE THAT, VAN RINGAH! Claudia asks her how nervous she is about next week. She says she is really nervous, especially after she mucked up this week. ILLUMINATING! Claudia then turns to Louis and tells him that he’s always been amazing, but these last two weeks he and Flavia have really taken things to the next level.
FIRE UP THE TABLOIDMOBILE!
Louis says that’s really glad that he’s overcome his performance difficulties. At least…according to the script he has.
Next up, we get an advert for It Takes Two. It contains the line “We’ve got great guests! LIKE IL DIVO!”. So…that’s about the size of that then.
Once Zoe’s done yelling in our faces, and moving one slot down in the countdown of MONKSEAL’S 50 FAVOURITE STRICTLY CONTESTANTS OF ALL TIME as she does so (starts next year *obnoxious thumbs up*), we’re back on Claud 9 where Denise is
clutching herself like a politician’s wife whose hubby just got caught having poo-sex with a rent boy. Claudia says that Denise looked so sad under the red light, and Denise solemnly replies “we are sad”. James then rants that Denise has put in more hours of training than anybody else (FACT!) (NOW THAT MICHAEL’S GONE!) and she’s NOT A RINGER like all those mean people on the Internet say and also did he mention she has a child? Who she has LEFT TO DO THIS SHOW? Eh, let’s toss that in there as well, you MEAN MEAN PEOPLE.
There is a fine line, I think, between “we’re sad to be in the Bottom 2” and “we shouldn’t be in the Bottom 2” and that kind of tap-danced all over it. Still, I’m not complaining, because Lord knows I love a good rant. And also it prompts Nicky to say
“unlike Denise, I am a trained dancer”. Oh and Karen snarking “from sitting on a stool to a trained dancer”. Was that a dig on Denise?
We’ll never know.
Craig saves Denise in his usual obnoxious “I’M JUST GOING TO SAY THEIR NAMES, BECAUSE THE REASON SHOULD BE OBVIOUS” fashion that he does whenever there’s a SHOCK bottom 2er, Darcey saves Denise for putting on a great performance, and Bruno saves the pair of them for being the “outstanding couple” of the two. Len, when asked, agrees with this assessment.
Nicky & Karen get a standing ovation on their way out, and Tess assures them that it’s heartfelt. Well…as much as the rest of them are. He says it’s so been so much fun to be part of the biggest and best show in the world. Somewhere, Louis Walsh weeps a tiny tear of betrayal. He thanks Karen
and looks at her and everything. They had a shaky start, but he really thinks they were improving towards the end. Before they did the samba…fusion…thing. DAMN YOU FUSION WEEK! Karen then looks at him right back
and says she couldn’t have hoped for a better partner in her first year. And her last.
NOT REALLY! I’M SURE SHE’LL BE BACK AND THEY’LL HAVE FIRED NATALIE AND HIRED CRYSTAL MAIN BACK OR SOMETHING RANDOM LIKE THAT!
As the hammer fell on Denise & James this week, finally, here’s a little something different for our end-of-recap Schadenfreude Fest…
Robin couldn’t look more over her could he?