fusion: a nuclear reaction in which two or more atomic nuclei join together to form a single more gaymazing nucleus.
Last week, Strictly Come Dancing had yet another impromptu Movie Week : Nicky was James Bond (in that he was dancing to Skyfall), James was Jason Bourne (in that he forgot everything), Vincent was John Baxter (in that he was chased around Venice by a crazed dwarf), Kimberley was Donnie Darko (in that she started hallucinating a malevolent bunny rabbit), Louis was Patch Adams (in that he was a doctor whose treatment methods relied entirely on pulling funny faces), and Lisa was Eric Morecombe (in that every film he did was unwatchable crap).
This week :
Nicky’s got his balls out. Well…we’ve pretty much seen the rest of it, so why not? These balls are coming out to help him face the show’s
In actuality though, sadly, what this show thinks is its TOUGHEST CHALLENGE EVER is none of the above – rather it’s “dance fusion”.
This show’s grasp of science is as firm as ever, I see. We see lots of shots of the celebrities titting about “in the dance lab” trying to create the perfect mixture of two dances. Sadly, we don’t see Robin’s experiments, which would probably involve putting the two chemical elements next to one another and shrugging. Personally I can’t decide which is funnier :
that Denise clearly refused to be forced to wear funny hair, or that Flavia allowed them to do that to her. It looks like she’s just popped up from going down on a yeti. Sadly, in the end, Lisa puts “too much sparkle” into her concoction and it explodes in her face.
I hear that’s how Chernobyl happened as well.
And Iveta was never seen or heard of ever again…
To the studio now, and Tess is not so much presenting her dress to the ravaging twitter hoards as
examining it for stains. To be fair, given how Wardrobe (which appears to be quite literally one woman in a wardrobe) was when Zoe visited her this week, I’d be checking as well. Girl seemed on the verge of a total breakdown. Next week she’ll slam Zoe’s fingers in the door as she tries to get in, screaming “PISS OFF”. After Bruce and Tess go in for the
Grip n Grope, he yells at her that she NEARLY GOT AWAY! It’s all a bit American Horror Story. Except Tess isn’t a sexually repressed nun possessed by Satan, she’s just…Tess. Which is somehow worse. “Nice To See You…” yields
A SPY! A SPY FROM BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT! Here to pass notes back to Alesha and sabotage the dancing no doubt! Although he needn’t have bothered, as most of the couples seemed perfectly happy to sabotage themselves this week.
Tess welcomes Bruce, and as we get a close-up of her dress, we can all see why she was checking for stains.
Her kids made it themselves out of bits of macaroni and PVA glue. I can still see a bit of carbonara under her left booby. She tells us that this week it’s FUSION WEEK where our contestant will take two different styles of dance (or, in the case of Nicky, about 5) and fuse them together into one routine. Bruce tells us that he’s heard about this week – you have to be careful when mixing up dance styles. He saw the pros trying to combine Flashdance and quickstep in rehearsals, and he wound up getting a quick flash.
Somewhere in the audience, Gloria Hunniford laughs. She did this show once you know? Of course you’ll have to wait until next year to see if she features on my Blog Birthday Countdown of the 50 GREATEST STRICTLY CONTESTANTS OF ALL TIME! Oh yes, the hype starts here!
Oh yeah, I should make my own “Bruce is lucky they weren’t mixing…” joke here should I? Erm….Bruce is lucky he didn’t catch them trying to mix up the Gay Gordon and the Black Bottom. There? That lazy enough for you?
Whilst Bruce merrily chats away to some audience member about his hot flushes (?) Tess reminds us all that Michael Vaughan was eliminated last week in a dance-off against his BESTEST PAL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD Nicky Byrne. If the show has done nothing else this year, truly it has allowed those two twin souls to meet and intermingle. Truly the greatest Strictly love-connection since Kara and Artem. Bruce just about hops back on the train of coherence to say that Michael’s departure has left us with “six of the best” to compete for a place in the semi-finals.
“Six of the best” is slang for repeated brutalisation with a cane. Coincidence? I think not?
With all that said, it’s time to meet the STARS OF OUR SHOW!
Bruce refers to this bit as “our own choreography”. Still better than Robin’s this week.
Once everyone’s out, Bruce crows that this week is a first for Strictly Come Dancing! The celebrities will start off their routines performing one dance, and finish them off doing a different one entirely. Bruce then huffs that this script is a load of rubbish – that’s not a Strictly First, Widdy did it all the time. No Bruce, Widdy started off the routine hauled in one wires, and finished it doing no dance at all. Very different. We then get some sad, disturbing news. As part of a bloody coup (presumably as an extension of the show’s campaign to completely void the show of anybody who might say that Nicky isn’t that bad), Starship Karen has become
STARSHIP NANCY! This is sad and disturbing news because I watched this show on my V-Box after going out for dinner with my parents, and I was unable to appreciate the Nancy madness live. Anyway, Nancy is dressed as Karen, and probably twice as coherent. Upon hearing the news that Nancy is officially piloting a billion dollar piece of space-age technology, Bruce gasps in horror, but then decides that, oh well, at least she was better than Fiona Phillips. Nancy neither knows who Fiona Phillips is, nor gives a shit. Lucky cow.
Denise van Dance-Off & James Jordan dancing the jivestep
Bruce tells us that Denise will this week be combining the quick and the jive for her fusion dance. Bruce then suddenly has an EPIPHANY! He’s just remembered that this dance fusion rubbish has been going on for years! He turns to Len and asks him if he remembers when Bruce fused a tap-dance with Riverdance, and flooded the dance studio.
Not because of the dances, he just left the taps running on his bath. Poor Wilnelia. Although he is right that he is the pioneer of fusion dance. I’ve been watching him fuse tap and velociraptor for almost 10 years now.
VT time, and Denise tells us that she was REALLY enjoying her dance last week. No really. It was so much fun. There was one moment in particular, when she was spinning (what a surprise) when she had the most satisfying beautiful feeling she’s ever had in her life.
Better than becoming a mum, better than landing the lead role in Chicago, better than watching Jessie lose “I’d Do Anything”. It was a transcendental, transformative moment of pure karmic bliss, and it carried her off to another plane of existence entirely, like Shangri-La, or Xanadu, or Chelmsford.
AND THEN JAMES RUINED IT ALL BY FORGETTING THE ROUTINE, THE BASTARD! She’s forgiven him though. Well…she will. One day. James for his part says that his mind went totally blank (for a change), and he remembers yelling “DON’T WORRY! DON’T WORRY!
MR GRIMSDALE!”. It’s such a shame that his mic apparently wasn’t turned on when this happened. That or there were too many swears for them to be allowed to broadcast it. He tells us all that the end of the routine was completely different to how he planned it, but he doesn’t think you could necessarily tell. Yeah, only because we wouldn’t put it past you to close a routine with Denise having her mouth rammed into your ballsack for a good 10 seconds. We then get an exclusive bit of backstage footage, with Denise yelling to camera that
JAMES SCREWED THE WHOLE THING UP, BUT SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO FEEL BAD ABOUT IT! HONEST! IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE THAT THEY COULD CRUSH HER DREAMS OF STRICTLY GLORY! IT’S NOT JAMES’ FAULT THAT IT’S ENTIRELY JAMES FAULT!
We close with Denise saying that in a way it’s good that James messed the dance up, because it’s given them both the desire to really prove themselves this week. Mostly James though.
Training now, and Denise tells us, in the joke that we all wanted to avoid making because it’s so obvious, that she hopes Dance Fusion Week doesn’t become…
DANCE CONFUSION WEEK! LOL! She jokes with James all VT(/week/series/life) that it seems like he’s really getting the hang of the routine this week A HA HA HA. He might even remember it Saturday Night HA HA HA! And not screw her over again HA HA HA (*shakes fist*) HA HA HA. James for his part tells us that, as Denise is combining jive and quickstep, both of which are fast dances, she’s going to have to literally move like lightning this week.
Accompanied by a flash and a bit of a crack? Sounds about right.
He goes on to say that there are two ways of doing dance-fusion. You can either move in and out of both styles through the routine (the not-boring way) or you can just do one style after the other (the boring way). James is personally choosing to do the dance the non-boring way. He’s going to move from jive into quickstep into jive into quickstep, then finally finishing with jive again. And not just because he’s forgotten the routine again A HA HA HA HA HA HA.
We close with Denise saying that she’s glad that she’s got two difficult dances (one of which she’s already shown she can do with ease) because it’ll let James show the judges he’s not shit. I mean BOTH OF THEM. BOTH OF THEM can show that. Then she complains to James that maybe he could slow the routine down a bit. THE WUSS. The whole VT incidentally is soundtracked by “The Boy Does Nothing”, which I guess shows that they’ve now airbrushed Alesha out of history in all the ways they shouldn’t, and in none of the ways they should.
TO THE DANCE-FLOOR!
Let’s face it, it’s hardly the Cocktail Bar on Erin Island is it? Where are the palm trees? Where are the hookers? WHERE’S ERIN? Anyway, the music starts up (Reet Petite) and the routine gets off to a really great start
because of course they’re starting with jive, and we all know that Denise can do Jive. Then again, we all thought that about Tom Chambers and then…Waterloo happened. So I guess it’s nice to be reminded rather than…you know…doing a new dance or anything. There’s a lot of tramp-kicking anyway, so at least she’s demonstrating a different SIDE to the jive than last time. Her quickstep is less exciting, as it’s a little trotty and maybe a bit too bouncy.
Unfortunately once the transition back into jive comes things start to go wrong, as she repeatedly over eggs her kicks, both in lifts
and on the ground to the extent that the inevitable happens and she snags herself on her dress, causing her second set of extended tramp-kicking to look a bit like she’s trying to play Whack-A-Mole with her feet as she gets herself unhitched. Also, when does this look good?
Never, is the answer to that. Never. Still, the most hilarious part is the end, where she goes into auto-spin mode
and James actually can’t stop her. Seriously. He reaches for her hand, can’t find it, and has to chase her halfway across the dance-floor to stop her effing spinning round.
It gets a decent reception, including from Aliona
who you can tell thinks the whole thing was a bit unambitious. If she were here she’d be fusing paso doble to charleston and throwing in a bit of contemporary and capoeira as well. Amateurs. Once over at the judges Denise yells
“AH GOT MAH HEYUW COHWT!” repeatedly, tugging at the strings, and clutching her dress to her side like she’s bleeding out. Bruce, heroically, pays her absolutely no attention whatsoever, and just moves on to introducing the judges and making a Bruno joke. You can tell he’s kind of over all the drama as well. He asks Len if there are any rules to Fusion Week
other than “Shut up and accept it when the producers hurl samba and foxtrot and Olly Murs at you, whilst other couples get to do two dances they’ve done before, one of which is a derivative of the other?”. Len tells us that the only real rule is regarding lifts – you get one lift for the whole routine, unless one of the dances would normally have lifts, in which case you get the stipulated amount. I hope if this comes back someone does a salsa-Argentine Tango cross, and does all 7 lifts. Their feet would never touch the floor. Anyway, Len then tells Denise that her quickstep had “go” and her jive had “show” and she can crow that she’s no slow ho but WOAH she should know to make no bet on she and her pro beau to glow over their foes and win the show, yo ’cause that really would be to blow her dough. Or something like that. He also says that her kicks and flicks were a bit indistinguishable, and he noticed a slip-up. Denise then yells
“I GOT MY HEEL CAUGHT! LOOK!”. Yes dear, I think you’ve made your point. Len tells her she was probably cocking her leg up too much. Meow.
Bruno is next, and tells Denise that that really was an EYE-POPPING AND EXPLOSIVE JIVE which morphed beautifully into a LIVELY AND CHEERFUL quickstep. I’m thinking “cheerful” is amongst the most piss-weak compliments you can give a dance. He’s sorry that she caught her dress, but oh well, these things happen.
But they won’t happen after Denise goes at Wardrobe with a chainsaw. As Denise fumes, we cut to
Kate Thornton in the audience. Jeez, all the Cowell-Refugees are in tonight aren’t they? It’s almost as though his empire is crumbling over on ITV as this very show is broadcast or something. Craig follows up, saying that the jive part was indeed incredible, and she had amazing spins (…again) but the quickstep was a little choppy and not smooth enough for his tastes. Just such a shame about how she mangled her dress and finished a count late (because she couldn’t stop herself spinning). James lies that that’s the way he choreographed the routine and Denise hoots “OH WELL! AT LEAST JAMES REMEMBERED THE ROUTINE THIS WEEK!”. Well there’s an elegant and charitable way to get yourself out of trouble.
doing some interesting fusion work with her hair, in honour of the theme, and saying that she agrees with “the guys”. It was a great fusion and had lots of attack but there was too much bounce in her quickstep. So basically Fusion Week was an excuse for Denise to avoid doing half a dance she was going to suck at, by just papering over it with jive. WOW! Such a worthwhile theme, and we’re only one dance in!
Bruce dispatches them off up to the Tessanine, where
we get more of this. Honestly, you’d think she’d Miranda’d herself and just danced in front of everyone in her bra and pants. Tess congratulates Denise on recovering so well. I dunno Tess, she didn’t just stand there with her elbows jammed into her ribs jiggling her boobs and looking confused. That would have been a TRUE masterpiece of covering. Tess then says that they might have to bin the dress now. I love that having a scadding great hole in it only elicits a “might have to bin it” from Tess. Makes a whole lot of sense of her wardrobe choices.
“IT’S FIRE DAMAGED TESS!”
“Eh, still good for a couple of wears.”
“IT’S FIRE DAMAGED BECAUSE IT’S STILL ON FIRE!”
“Oh it’s only smouldering a little bit, what’s your problem?”
Tess then tells Denise that she’s been a firm favourite to win for weeks (amongst people who have absolutely no comprehension of how this show works) but she does feel it’s getting tougher as they get closer to the end. Denise reels off the most disinterested “oh yes the standard’s so high and everybody’s brilliant” I’ve heard since this show had to sell Series 7 to the audience, and James mugs that it’s such a shame that everyone has raised their game to his level. His level of “one third place after series after series of ringers”. YEAH GUYS, WELCOME TO HIS STRATOSPHERE!
Denise then talks about how it’s been really exhausting this week having the two fastest dances, and James says he gives her so much credit for how much hard work she’s put in and “whatever happens tonight, I think you’re brilliant”. Yeah, he knows doesn’t he? That it’s this week? This is the week when it finally happens. Scores are in
Lisa Riley & Robin Windsor dancing the chango
Bruce says that he was telling Lisa that her surname is very difficult to pronounce. Oh Bruce, all surnames are difficult for you to pronounce, because they are words. I guess because she’s English he feels the need to make the effort, rather than calling her Ivyeti Lucozade.
VT now, and Lisa tells us that it was a dream come true to dance to “Bring Me Sunshine” last week. She thought nothing in the competition would ever top performing at Wembley but when Len said that Eric & Ernie would be voting for her from heaven…well, we all remember the face.
Good grief Lisa. I mean…maybe that would mean something coming from Sally Morgan : Star Psychic, but it’s not as though Len has ever displayed The Gift. Of any sort. She tells us that that comment was the equivalent of giving her a million quid, because Eric & Ernie are her idols. I’m thinking Lisa might be quite a cheap date.
“What did you get me for us anniversary then this year then love?”
“Erm…ERIC & ERNIE SAY THEY REALLY LIKE YOUR SHOES!”
“AWWW THANK YOU! BEST CHRISTMAS EVAH!”
We close the VT with Robin telling us that Lisa’s now reached at least 6th place, and this is the furthest he’s ever got in the competition. Yeah…might be a reason for that.
Training now, and Lisa tells us that this week she will be dancing the tango and the cha-cha to “Voulez-Vous” by Abba. What a left-field, unexpected song-choice from Robin there. Robin tells us that, as its Fusion Week, this week is even more challenging technically than ever before, and he’s really having to come down on Lisa hard in the training room. This is entirely not backed up by the training methods we’re shown him using, that include telling Lisa what dance they’re going to do, telling her which side to carry her head, and asking her to please do the routine right. Lisa gapes that he’s
Oh hardly, Artem locked Holly a lazy bint and locked her in a cage. I’m just thinking Lisa can’t take criticism. Imagine her trying to
boot Artem in the balls (and missing). He’d have her leg off faster than you could say “injury porn”. We close with Lisa saying that she understands that she really needs to up her technical game with Robin’s help, as she’d love to have a place in the Final Five. Alongside other MASTERS OF DAHNCE TECHNIQUE like Alex Jones, Natalie Cassidy, and Gavin Henson.
TO THE DANCE-FLOOR!
OK, so the second reason why Fusion Week sucks is that it has allowed the creation of Disco Ballroom. As if to tell us how this routine is going to go, Lisa starts off on the wrong foot. Literally. Then does a bit of a hop to correct herself. And it’s all downhill from there. She does a very soft, loose tango, that is at least watchable, and then halfway through she goes into
TOTAL GURN MELTDOWN and begins her cha-cha, which only serves to prove the theory that she’s doing more or less the same routine every week, only getting worse, because it’s so much worse than when she did it the first time that if you told a lay person to put them in order, with one performed before two months of intense dance-training and physical workouts and one afterwards, EVERY SINGLE PERSON would put this one first. Every single one. It’s flat, it’s clumpy, she forgets bits, she misses Robin entirely for so many steps, and it’s just generally bad. Also, Robin’s choreography.
a) It’s Disco Ballroom
b) It’s not even that camptastic
c) It’s one dance done after the other
d) The change-over is her STANDING STILL FOR 5 SECONDS and having her dress torn off her, so there’s no merging of styles at all
e) Thematically it makes no sense to just go “moody – happy”, and it doesn’t fit with the song at all
f) It’s choreographed literally to do one dance to the verse of the song and another to the chorus
g) It ends with
this, again, like it’s some sort of “iconic” reversal (*drink*) or something when we all know the most famous and best part of her original routine was when she mugged Robin off and smacked her arse in Craig’s face.
Once it’s done, Bruce tries to find somebody doing a standing ovation. He fails. He then says that HE thinks it was lovely anyway, and thanks her for doing air-condition for the whole room with her dress. Mmm hmm. Oh, and we’re back to JUST introducing Davearch with his name and a mug-shot, not the singers.
I think someone’s had words about who the real star of the orchestra is. You don’t mess with The Man In The Hat.
Bruno starts for the judges, saying that just LOVED the way that Lisa exposed herself. She was like a glistening glitterball into a searchlight. He says that the cha-cha really suits Lisa’s personality in that it’s “cheeky and naughty”, and he thought her tango was “better than her usual ballroom”.
Yeah, backhanded compliments aren’t going to cut it Bruno. Unadulterated praise or else you GET THE FACE. Well…one of them. Craig is next, and he says that he agrees with Bruno that the cha cha was much better than her tango.
HA! He can’t go off script for her at all can he? I feel I should mention the grand scandal of this hanging here, and just throw up a poll, because it’s only been common knowledge for a few days and I’m already bored of discussing it.
Anyway, he goes on to say that she is GOOD AT FAST LATIN and BAD AT BALLROOM, completely ignoring what just happened. He blames her top-line, and Lisa says “fair enough”. He also thought she was a little ahead of the music, and anticipating things too much. Still, the dance really took off when she took her clothes off, and he loved the two characters she showed. Up on the Tessanine, James, Aliona and Brenda have a…erm…
Darcey’s next, serving as the voice of reason and sanity for once, pointing out that Lisa’s tango was far stronger than her cha-cha. She thought that the strong dance-beat of the music led her to give the dance more attack, and she really thought her top line had improved from the last time she tangoed. Whereas the cha-cha “got loose” and was a bit of a mess.
LOCK UP YOUR CHILDREN! LISA’S CHA CHA IS ON THE LOOSE! NOBODY IS SAFE! Fortunately all of ABBA are still alive, so he can’t claim that any of them are rooting for Lisa from heaven without getting sued. So he settles on saying that Lisa’s energy is infectious, and her dances are always fun and joyous to watch. Unfortunately it went wrong in the cha-cha and there was a “terrible incident”. She doesn’t pick her dresses Len, I don’t think you can blame her for that one. Oh and he found the dance a little bit predictable and safe. Unlike all of Lisa’s other dances obviously, which have been varied in tone and really avant-garde. He says he prefers his fusions to be a little more
worrh, a little more waaayyyyy. Judging a la Trevor & Simon there.
Up to the Tessanine they voulez-vous, where Tess asks her if she’s just glad that that’s over, and Lisa simpers that she just wants to tell Robin that she’s sorry for mucking that up and showing everyone her
little faux pas. Don’t be so hard on yourself Lisa, I glanced at it, and it seemed to be a fairly big faux pas to me. Tess reminds us that Lisa wowed us in Week 1 with her cha-cha, as if to rub in just how inferior that performance was. She asks Lisa if she enjoyed revisiting it, and Lisa replies that she did, slip-up aside, and she was really glad to pay tribute to “the famous catch from Week 1”. Not that I’m implying that Lisa has become an egomaniac or anything, but so many celebrities in Strictly past have done moves in tribute to other stars, like Michael Jackson, Fred Astaire, or Dumbo. I can’t remember anybody doing a tribute TO THEMSELVES.
Tess asks Lisa if she ever imagined getting to the semi-finals, and Lisa from under her eyelashes
gives it full on Little Lisa From Manchester, saying that HONESTLY Tess, she never expected it! All she ever thought would happen is that she’d do one ballroom and one latin and that would be it. She gets so nervous every weekend on the Results Show that she just burrows deeper and deeper into Robin’s bosom until she gets all the way to Narnia! And now the final is so close! So close she can ALMOST TASTE IT TESS! We close with Tess jabbing her finger at Robin and saying
“AND YOU’VE HAD A TOUCH OF THE ARTEMS ROBIN!”. Woah Tess, that’s just a vicious rumour! Oh…she’s talking about their training VT. Robin says that he thinks it’s really time for him to get a bit tougher on Lisa, and then Tess says that Artem must be rubbing off on him. Not even commenting. I’m not. even. commenting. Scores are in
Nicky Byrne & Karen Hauer dancing the American Smamba
Bruce tells us all that they’re both very popular people. So I guess we can at least be glad that he’s definitively not doing that any more to tell us who’s winning the public vote, like he did in Series 7/8. He goes on to tell us that Nicky will be dancing to a track by Olly Murs and Flo Rida. Apparently Nicky asked Bruce if he’d ever heard of Flo Rida and Bruce said OF COURSE!
I love her!
VT now, and Nicky
dressed for talking the dogs out in the Range Rover rather than for rehearsal, tells us that he was really really up for playing James Bond on Saturday Night. Hence Darcey saying he was too hard probably (ARF!). He tells us he felt that he couldn’t do a limp James Bond, so he made it really butch and aggressive, and then all the judges told him off for it. I guess the problem is that he was being a Daniel Craig Bond, whereas we all know that these judges are looking for Roger Moore. Or possibly Bob Holness. We then relive Nicky’s PAIN at being separated from Michael. Really it’s too raw and real for me to even recap it. It’s like Homeward Bound in Strictly form.
Training now, and ALREADY their footage is being soundtracked by Olly Murs’ latest single – “Troublemaker”. Or as I like to sing it “Cheryl Baker”. Nicky tells us that this is the song that he and Karen will be dancing a fusion of samba and American Smooth to. Fun Things that happened to Nicky this week :
a) His dance fusion was SAMBA and AMERICAN SMOOTH, two of the least popular and difficult dances in the Strictly canon
b) He had to dance it to Olly Murs
c) On It Takes Two, Zoe asked Louis what he was going to do to prevent an all-girl final
d) On It Takes Two, Russell Grant told us that of all the pros, Anton, Robin and Karen are the only ones never to have scored a 10 and that there was STILL TIME FOR ROBIN TO DO IT!
e) James & Denise grumbled to the newspapers about how everyone still in the competition had stage school experience apart from Louis
f) What Craig does next.
This wasn’t so much a bussing as a whole fleet of National Express coaches driving over him, backing up, then doing it again.
The poor man.
The general theme of training is that
it is not going well. Nicky grumbles that none of this dance makes any sense to him. Don’t worry Nicky, you’re not alone. Karen tells us that Fusion Week is proving very complicated, especially as you have to teach your celebrity two completely new dances.
g) The other pros apparently gave the new girl a completely different copy of the rules for Fusion Week that everyone else got, and then spent the week laughing at her. We should all be very glad that production clued her in that you didn’t actually have to dance it blindfolded at the very last minute.
Nicky for his part tells us that he’s not fussed by the challenge – that’s why he did the show, for a challenge. That and because he lost the bar bet with the rest of Westlife. Actually to be fair, he came second last. Bryan McFadden had to be Bryan McFadden for the rest of his life, which is a far worse forfeit. Anyway, I hope Nicky also came on Strictly
to do knee-slides, cause this routine got ’em.
TO THE DANCE-FLOOR!
h) Karen choreographed Nicky’s American Smamba to be a gender-reversed tribute to Brighton Rock. Apparently. Still it means we get to see Karen’s bitch-face
at full strength, which is the first thing this series which has made me truly truly appreciate her presence. I will give her credit for trying to choreograph a complicated routine that dips in and out of both genres to really push Nicky but…I can’t really tell what’s supposed to be going on at any one time. His American Smooth looks alternately like tango,
foxtrot, and generic wafting about, and the salsambcha bit is…well…salsambcha. To be honest I’m not sure the dance was helped by David Walliams
hovering in the background looking like a barely warmed-over corpse the whole time. This dance isn’t getting good notes in his report back to Alesha, I’ll tell you that much. If nothing else I’m glad that
the no-no has clearly been allowed to roam and bounce free for his final week on the show, particularly in that knee-slide. Thank goodness it’s only the final that’s in 3D otherwise he would have had my eye out. It even gets
all the spotlights on it at the end of the dance. ALL THE SPOTLIGHTS!
Up on the Tessanine, Denise’s face says
“well at least we’ll be in the Dance-Off with someone we know we can beat”. Over to the judges they go, where Craig starts by telling Nicky that
he needed more bounce in the samba, better posture in the American Smooth, and overall to be less haphazard. He closes by sneering that he suspects that we’re going to be seeing that dance again later. It all feel very Simon Cowell, in that he affects like he’s in tune with the public, but actually it’s just that he knows what the public vote is likely to be already and also he’s got a fair idea what this week’s final leaderboard looks like. Sod all to do with Nicky’s performance. Also he’s not even trying not to pull Little Lord Fauntleroy face throughout. Nothing like kicking a man when he’s down. In the no-no. The entire audience go “oooooooooh”, including emogirl82, who runs off to write a poem that’s basically “Daddy” by Sylvia Plath but with a few words changed about a bit. Bruno in particular looks pained, although
the man behind him looks like he’s got a daughter who put on that Westlife cd one time too many.
Darcey’s next. and she tells Nicky that he started his dance really well, and that she loved the staging and the choreography. However she agrees with Craig that his posture is still poor and his shoulders are still too hunched over. Oh and he overextends in the samba
like this. I can’t believe someone did a physical demonstration of a move on this show it it wasn’t Bruno molesting a fellow panel member. Woss the blahddy point? Len follows, by saying that fusing the samba and American Smooth is the trickiest fusion he’s seen attempted so far all evening, so well done for CAHMIN AHT and giving it a go and that. He thought his samba was brilliant, but his ballroom technique was still poor. Bruno closes by growling that Nicky certain is a “trrrrrrrrrrrrrroublemaker”(/Cheryl Baker) and that dance was a heroic effort, especially given that it was…questionable to try to fuse a samba and an American-Smooth foxtrot.
Bruce called him “his favourite” resurrecting a gimmick from series long past just to hammer that final nail into his Strictly coffin. Bye Nicky!
Up to the Tessanine they trouble, where Tess tells them that truly that was the most challenging fusion of the night, and TRUST NICKY to pick that one, eh? Nicky’s all “yeah…trust…me to PICK that one, that we definitely…picked…for ourselves”. Tess then a-swerves this potential conspiracy bait by reminding Nicky that his best mate Michael died (/got voted off a gameshow) last week. Was Nicky doing that routine in tribute to his memory?
Hang on Tess, I know Victoria’s gone, but you don’t need to prod everyone else into floods of yacky tears just to make up for it. Nicky replies that Michael has been texting and tweeting him all day (FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! WOOOOOO!) and sympathising with him over his “man-flu”. Oh and as well as Michael’s support, he been getting support from his mum. Tess jokes that Craig better watch out, or Nicky’s mum will be having words.
Or possibly more. She then moves on to telling us all that before Strictly, Nicky never really danced before. After all, when he was in Westlife, he never really left his stool did he? Nicky looks
STRAIGHT at Denise. As do we all. He tells her that Tess is being mean to him, like every single person in existence hasn’t made a joke about Westlife’s stools at some point. Or “their songs”, as they’re more commonly referred to. Tess asks Nicky how he’s going to feel tomorrow when he’s eliminated and he tells her he’s going to be devastated. Scores are in
27. Karen taking her last chance to get a sneaky peak at the no-no there.
Tracy Beaker & Vincent Simone dancing the Charlestep
Bruce tells us that Tracy has given up drink to compete on Strictly Come Dancing. And taken up drink to watch it. Bruce goes on tell us that Len gets through a lot of alcohol this time of year as well. Partially to numb him to Bruno’s advances, and partially to pickle his walnuts.
AND HERE THEY ARE AT LAST! Bruce cautions us to note that that isn’t a walnut on the jar – it’s Len’s face. ACTUAL BRUCIE LOL AHOY! Unfortunately he then whitters on about this being a commercial on the BBC and rather treads on his own moment a little. Oh well. It was ever thus.
VT time, and Tracy tells us that their dance last week was Italian themed, and Vincent grew a moustache especially for the occasion. That’s definitely why that was there. For the Italian-themed dance. Not at all because Vincent started Movember but nothing appeared until the very first day of December. At all. Definitely not. VINCENT CAN DEFINITELY GROW A BEARD LADIES, HE’S ALL MAN! We’re reminded that Bruno gave his critique entirely in Italian and it made no more and no less sense to the typical English viewer than it normally does. Tracy tells us that, despite her decent (if under-generous) marks, she was still really nervous on the Results Show.
You’d see why she had to tell us, as it’s kind of hard to see around the competing TOWERING INFERNOS OF NEUROSIS that are Kimberley, Lisa and Denise. Tracy’s minor tremors are but butterfly flaps in the wind compared to those three mentalists.
Training now, and the initial theme is that
Tracy keeps on beating Vincent up. I guess old habits die hard. BOG OFF VINCENT! Either that or we’re seeing what Mrs Vincent sees every Sunday night 10 minutes after Downton Abbey’s finished and she’s brushed her teeth, and Tracy needs to get a restraining order when this series finishes. It turns out that the combination of quickstep and charleston is a cause for violence, and just in the homes of those of us who don’t like the BESTEST ballroom dance being tainted with the WORSTEST.
Happily, Vincent’s pornstache is removed, and he gets a spray-tan, and then training segment randomly changes to be about Vincent imagining what it would be like he was dancing with himself. No, don’t worry, not in a Billy Idol sense, in a literal sense. He then for some reason
imagines himself dancing with David Gest. I guess that is the next best thing. Incidentally this
is not just the worst wig I’ve ever seen on this show, it is the worst wig I have ever seen anywhere, in any context, ever. It looks like someone hacked up somebody’s dressing gown with hedge shears and threw it at her face. WHAT IS THIS?
We close with Tracy being the eighth person tonight to tell us that this is the first time that Fusion Week has happened on Strictly Come Dancing. She is the fourth person to tell us that she’s really nervous about these unchartered waters that she now faces. And we still have two VTs to go. (*readies vodka*).
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Well at least their staging is less ridiculous than everyone else’s. Especially as they’re dancing their Charlestep to “Happy Feet” and the producers could so easily have made them dress up as penguins. So very easily. The band strike up and the
half-arsed gurning begins. I don’t know, I think I’m exhausted by the attempts to Make Charleston Happen this series. Didn’t we suffer all this enough with Chris Hollins? First it was DENISE’S BREAKTHROUGH DANCE netting her the first 10s of the series, then it was NICKY’S BREAKTHROUGH DANCE getting him his highest score of the series, then it was LOUIS’ BREAKTHROUGH DANCE getting him his first 10s of the series and his “Performance Journey” card, and now it’s supposed to be TRACY’S BREAKTHROUGH DANCE as well? I am SPENT. SPENT on liking Charlestons this series, I am sorry. It’s all very cute and her little accent kicks are nice and I find the quickstep bits far more enjoyable and tidier than when she performed the dance in the gaping cavernous maw of Wembley, but it’s the closest I’ve come to falling into a coma all series.
It gets a rapturous welcome and standing ovation in the studio, presumably from people less jaded with the constant over-egging of the Charleston as a MIRACLE DANCE than I am. Bruce actually has to tell them to stop so he can talk, so I’m guessing the fight between her and Louis for the trophy that started last week may still be on after all. Look!
Even LORD OF THE DAHNCE Shane Ritchie has been touched in his soul.
Darcey hoots that Tracy was EXTRAORDINARY! I mean…she had it set up for her by getting two dances from the 1920s and which evolved concurrently with one another, intermingling steps and style as they went, but she also UPPED HER GAME TO MATCH! Ha. Even when giving her a 10 Darcey has to undermine her just a little bit. THERE’S NO MIDGETS IN BALLET, BITCH! Anyway, she thinks it was cheeky, fun and sweet. Len is next, and he says that he would have liked it better if she’d done any heel leads.
Oh Len, it appears that nobody’s going to bother doing that this series. Just give up. You’re lucky they’re wearing heels at all, not Nike Air-Pumps or Ugg Boots. He then goes on to say that other than that “yum yum pig’s bum, that was fun”. The lost Dr Seuss book there.
calling the routine “AN EXUBERANT FUSION FRENZY!” and “A FLAPPER’S GREATEST HITS!”. Technically it was flawless and she really PAID IT OUT. Whatever that means. Craig closes by saying that he agrees with the others – the choreography all evening has been exceptional (REALLY?) and that was no exception. I didn’t even like it, and having it put on a par with WHAT ROBIN DID choreographically rankles with me. Bum off Craig.
Bruce yells at her to SMILE MORE again (*shudders*) and shoos them off up to the Tessanine, where Tess congratulates her on getting the first Standing Ovation of the night. And now once they’ve popped, they’re just not going to stop. Tess asks Tracy about how she’d feel to get into the semis, and Tracy replies that it would mean so much to her, and she really wants to do it for Vincent. Mercifully she does not call him her “Papa Smurf”. In fact nobody references her height once, in this entire segment (bar one “my little Tracy” from Vincent in the VT). This feels like far more of an actual breakthrough than the ensuing 10s are about to. Tess congratulates Vincent on performing his very first Charleston. One day, she’ll be congratulating James on his very first Argentine Tango. Somewhere around Series 22. Scores are in
Louis Smith & Flavia Cacace dancing the tangba
Bruce tells us that last week, Louis did his performance in character as a doctor and, after the routine, a woman ran onto the dancefloor, grabbed Louis, and told him to examine her, because she was feeling faint. Who gave Arlene tickets again?
VT time and our recollection of Louis’ Charleston last week are soundtracked by “Today” by The Smashing Pumpkins. This is the first and last time that “The Smashing Pumpkins” will be used on Strictly, at least until I get famous enough to do the show and perform my paso to “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”. You and me Erin, what do you say? Louis tells us that he hadn’t had the best couple of weeks going into last weekend, so he really had to come out and perform and “luckily” he did. Sort of. Well he pulled some faces, which is all you really need to do in the Charleston. And then he got the most amazing reaction, more amazing than anything he got the the Limpics.
Get used to it Louis, some creeper woman will be stood there in ASDA stomping her feet and doing a Standing Ovation every time you go in for a Pot Noodle from now on. Forever. Gethin Jones still has to film all his Holland & Barrett adverts via greenscreen because if he goes in a real one, somebody invariably tries to rip his shirt off whilst yelling “SHOW US YOUR SHIMMIES GETH!”. Louis closes the VT by reminding us that he got some 10s, and then
a tidal wave of smug SURGED forth from out of Flavia’s face, drowning everyone. He says he thinks he’s on a roll now, and he doesn’t want it to ever stop.
Training now, and Louis tells us that he’ll be performing a fusion of tango and rumba. Flavia, in her role as Mistress Of Latin Passions Too Dark To Mention , Like, Seriously, They Make 50 Shades Of Grey Look Like A Mr Men Book, tells us that the rumba is the DANCE OF LOVE, and Louis needs to learn act the part.
With Flavia. Who is his mum. Maybe she could help by dancing it to a creepy incest ballad like something by Nick Cave, or The Pixies, or maybe “Somethin Stupid”.
Louis then looks right down the camera and says
“I’m not sexy”. Oh Christ, can we not? This Comedy VT has less grounding in reality than the time Jason and Kristina went to a time-travelling brothel. Flavia then acts comedy despair, and says that Louis apparently thinks girls don’t like him. Yes, I’m so sure that he thinks all those naked photoshoots were just to replicate the old Olympic gymnastic ideal. FOR SURE. She then looks down the camera herself and says
“HE’S HOT! AM I WRONG LADIES? COME ON!”. A little bit of every part of my soul cringes in unison. If he is, it’s only because you feed him so well Mama Flavia. For the rest of the VT we are “treated” to shots of girls following Louis around, basically stalking him, without Louis even noticing.
I think it’s the lack of Tragic Closeted Teenage Gay Male at the back that really makes it unconvincing. He’s just there as chaperone! Honest!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Why is there a lighthouse? WHY? Why is Flavia dressed as muscle fibre? Why is he making Kaen Brady Vagina-Box with his hands? There is so very much that is utterly inexplicable about this routine. Then again his hands are
ridiculous throughout. I mean, bless him, he can’t help that he has hands like pizza boxes, but they are DISTRACTING. Never has it been so easy for Craig to nitpick thumb placement, because those sausages can be seen from space. I think Flavia has done her best to make it as little BLOKERUMBAish as she can, which is nice of her, and Louis is doing his best to portray
SEXYTIME face, and I think not making too bad a job of it. As male rumbas go, it’s definitely one of the better efforts, and as the dance that finally breaks the duck on male rumbas getting a 10, I’m not too sad it’s this one. Even if they are dancing it to U2. “WITH OR WITHOUT YOU” IS RACHEL & ROSS’ SONG YOU BASTARDS! YOU ARE DISRESPECTING THEIR TRUE LOVE WITH THIS AMATEUR NONSENSE!
Oh yeah, and then they do 15 seconds or so of tango at the end.
Fusion Week – what a load of old bollocks eh?
It gets a Standing Ovation (duh) and Bruce beams at Flavia that she is the best tango dancer the show has ever seen, always has been, and now she’s passed it over to…erm…whatsisface. Flippy bloke. Lewis. Does the Formula 1s. Nice to see Bruce as on the ball as ever tonight. He passes over to Len, who tells us that rumba and tango are two different dances.
THANKS LEN! He thinks Louis did them both well. No, really, that’s his judging. Bruno follows, and says that he’s with Len all the way on his…involved critique
but, you know, with more leaping up and down flinging his metaphorical jizz around like a masturbating chimpanzee at the zoo. He thought it was SENSUAL AND HOT AND MASTERFUL! Craig is next up, and he tells Louis that he thinks that he performed the dance with effortless dexterity but he still has one complaint – Louis thumb was up in the tango.
Whatever Craig, Flavia can’t help it. Sometimes she likes it when a man sticks his thumb up in her tango. Don’t judge her for it. Darcey closes by saying that Louis had the perfect emotion for the rumba and she thought that his arms were delicious.
So she fancies him again this week then? Or at least his arms. Such inconsistency from the judgery.
Bruce sends them off up to the Tessanine with a “that was great!”, like an arthritic Tony The Tiger. Once they’re up there, things get a bit
pornographic as Flavia goes to mock up her biting Louis’ thumb off and all gets a bit…Bangkok Special. Tess requests another viewing of Louis’ “rumba arms”. He says “ok” with all the enthusiasm of a 6 year old doing “the dance” for Auntie Joyce.
Look at them fly. Tess moves on to telling Louis that he’s used to winning Olympic medals for his gymnastics (yeah, he’s so over it now, it’s like putting the milk out) but how would it feel to reach the final of Strictly Come Dancing? Louis replies that he is used to winning medals, yes. SILVER AND BRONZE ONES. HE WANTS A WIN TESS! HE’S NOT COMING AWAY FROM THIS LOSING TO NO GIRL ALOUD OR ONE OF THE SMURFS! HE BE LAUGHED OFF MOUNT OLYMPUS! Scores are in
Kimbotley Walsh & Pasha Kovalev dancing the tangcha
OI! CAMERA’S THIS WAY!
That’s better. Apparently this week Kimberley revealed to Bruce the secret of her success in Strictly. It’s CHOCOLATE. She’s been getting through loads of the stuff in training with Pasha. To be fair, so would I, so long as the price of body paint remains reasona[JOKE REDACTED].
VT time now and
I find this slightly unnerving. It’s like her mouth is passing through those hoops briefly from another dimension. A smiley dimension. Anyway Kimberley says she really gave it her all last week in the jive and she really liked it when Darcey said nice things about it! She thinks she even celebrated on camera!
OH MY GOD KIMBERLEY, YOU TOTALLY DID! GIRLS GONE WIIIIIIIIILD!
She also liked it when Bruno was nice to her by the way. Just in case you were wondering. She then recounts the tragic tale of how there was a very difficult trick in the dance, but it went a bit wrong and almost left Pasha thumbless. Based on that picture they’re kind of stubby anyway, so it’s be no great loss. We don’t need thumbs for what I’ve g[LENGTHY UNPLEASANT OVERSHARE REDACTED]
Training now, and Kimberley tells us that for dance-fusion week they will be dancing to “It’s Raining Men” by The Weather Girls. And also Austin Healey. Goodness but Erin loves gaying her partners up. Anyway, this will be a fusion of tango and cha-cha, as Kimberley explains
awkwardly. Somebody hasn’t been learning their 2012 OFFICIAL STRICTLY HAND-SIGNALS! Now do the “DANCE-OFF” one and say “strictlified” 10 times until you’re a good girl like Tracy and we let you make up your own stupid catchphrases.
Pasha tells us that dancing the tango and cha cha is really having a strange effect on Kimberley, as she switches clunkily in tone and emotion from one dance to the other
without any nuance, transition, or convincing emotional display. You may be familiar with this phenomenon from watching Lisa’s dance earlier. Pasha tells us that Kimberley can turn so quickly from one state to the other, and he never knows which is coming next.
Poor Pasha. Not the brightest is he? It seems, Pasha, that when you dance the cha cha she’s nice, and when she’s evil, it’s because you’ve mentioned the tango
/told her the sales figures for her solo album. Here’s a small outtake from Kimberley’s EVIL ACTING!
TO THE DANCEFLOOR!
Well this all looks very “The Voice”. Of course the umbrellas are there to signify that it is about to start raining men. Very tiny men. So basically it’s raining Vincent and Bobby Ball. What a thought.
That half-turn over the shoulder is always a sign that something gaymazing is about to happen yes?
And so it did. It’s been a long time since I’ve yelled “HOLY SHIT!” quite so loudly after a lift (apart from maybe all those times in the salsa where it looked like Michael might be about to kill Natalie). Unfortunately she stumbles MASSIVELY on the way out but…sometimes these sacrifices need to be made in the name of art you know? It’s fast, sexy, strong, and soundtracked to “It’s Raining Men”. Sometimes that’s all I want from a dance. Sometimes that’s all I want from LIFE.
It gets a standing ovation, and Bruce yells at Kimberley that the audience LOVED IT. And there was I thinking they were standing up because a python got loose during the dance. Oh wait, that was Nicky’s dance… Speaking of which, Bruno yells
“NICKY! YOU STARTED A NUCLEAR FUSION!”. Names dear, names. It’s been 10 weeks, you’re not Bruce, you should know them by now. He found the dance imaginative, inventive, and seemless. It was the DANCE OF THE SERIES SO FAR!
Oh, she’s begun early. As have the people stamping their feet and banging their chairs. And there was I hoping last week was a one off… Craig is next and simply says “THAT! IS! DANCING!”
What a tit.
Darcey is next up and she actually says “wowwiee!”. She sadly does not invite Kimberley back to the dorm for some ginger ale before they go and smash St Agnes’ at lacrosse, RAH-THUR! She tells Kimberley that she loved it, Kimberley made it her own, and she loved it. Throw in her saying that Kimberley reminded her of a little Dusty Springfield, and you’d have four X Factor judges for the price of one there. Len closes things off for this gushiest of panels by saying that he’s going to join the audience.
Can we make it permanent?
Up to the Tessanine they rain, where Pasha
joins in on Kimberley’s weekly hug with Tess. Her boobs will never be the same again. Tess tells us all that Kimberley was really nervous before that dance, pacing back and forth, nervously exclaiming to herself. I imagine it to be a bit like a northern Alpha 5 from Power Rangers. With nothing else to say until we pull out the big guns, Tess just makes Kimberley pull her
cha cha faces until the judges have got their riot shields handy. How nice of Louis to join in with HIS tango and cha cha faces in the background as well. Scores are in
40. Making Kimberley the very first contestant ever to go from having no tens to having four of them in the space of one dance. She cries, Tess cries, the Associated Federation of Strictly Bots leak a little oil.
And that was Fusion Week.