THE BROMANCE EXPLODES!
Oooh hark at Aliona, looking all decadent. It’s because she is performing a slutty Charleston/Latin/Jazzy tribute to the era of The Great Depression. To a song performed by that noted songbird of the Roaring Twenties, Imelda May. For those keeping track, she’s dancing with Pasha, and Artem is back dancing with Karen. At least for this dance. Well…most of it. They lark about seductively, with a lot of
spine-wrecking (I always knew that Artem was more of a bender than Pasha. KNEW IT!) and lifts and sinewy crotch moves, whilst in the background
Robin & Kristina have an arm-wrestle by the looks of it. I wouldn’t put money on either of them winning, to be honest. Then, Kristina and Ola disappear behind their golden shower, and EMERGE to have what can only be described as a
hoochy-off. In this case I say “never bet against Hypnoboobs”. Once THIS competition is decided, these particular ladies get to dance with their respective partners whilst it’s Pasha and Artem’s turn to look louche in the background.
Nice work Artem. Very nice work indeed. I think you should have lit up a cigar to complete the effect.
Then Natalie comes in and
smashes everyone with amazingness and the most RIDICULOUS Fierce Scarf/Shrug ever. Quite frankly I am ready to declare that she should have ALL THE RINGERS FOREVER. As long as she only does dances where she plays a bitchy 1920s socialite. That would be quite the series. Particularly the paso doble.
NATALIMMENSE! Bruno’s so excited by the whole affair that he starts whirling a giant Fierce Scarf around like he’s throwing toilet paper of his Geography Teacher’s house at Hallowe’en. He’s as overcome as I am.
Sadly, after the sartorial beauty and effortless elegance of Natalie Lowe being Daisy Buchanan
there was always going to be a comedown. Tess calls that a “rip-roaring opening”. I hear people were saying similar at the end of Lisa’s samba. Claudia meanwhile, tells us that JLS are here. That’s right, all four of them. Leprechaun JLS, Fit JLS, MEWWY CWISSMASS JLS, and Oritse. They’re here because MEWWY CWISSMASS JLS is doing the MEWWY CWISSMASS Special, with Ola. Also because they apparently have a new single out soon. I wasn’t even aware that pop bands released singles any more, I thought they just EXISTED and did campaigns and launches and concerts for the Sultan of Brunei’s 15 year old daughter. Oh and Alfie Boe. (*shrug*)
Alright Tess, that’s enough. You can’t ovary-vote for him, he’s not even in the competition. This year.
Once she’s recovered her down-belows, she reminds us all that “7 celebrities tripped the light fantastic last weekend”. Well…I think Lisa just tripped. Unless you’re referring to the trip Darcey was clearly on, scoring that dance the same as Tracy’s. Oh and two of them will have to trip the light fantastic all over again in the
DANCE-OFF! I love that Claudia’s interpretation of the sign is to raise her fists ready for a fight, where as for Tess it’s ALL about emphasising the boobs. Just in case you were wondering why one is the main presenter and the other the “help”. Claudia then reminds us of who the arbiters of this sacred gladiatorial battle are.
These four gimps. Thank goodness someone…told Darcey about the choker. They could have told Craig about the bow tie at the same time though.
First though…A RECAP! This week we learnt that
Karen’s attempts to touch her nose with her tongue remain tragically unsuccesful ; the public are
as needy as ever ; Lisa is still holding back her best “taking criticism faces” for the final
Denise gets REALLY excited by the presence of “Jive Bunny” ; Ola
really doesn’t care for “staff” ; Lisa’s “Learn Italian/Brunoese” Linguaphone appears to have been delivered with a Spanish tape in it by mistake ; Kimberley believes that she got the party started ;
BUY A HAT, VINNIE AND TRACY IS GETTING HITCHED! ; Michael will enjoy his samba if he has to dance it again ; I still won’t ; Len
will wander the halls talking about what a wonderful time he’s had regardless of whether there’s anybody there to hear him.
SAFETY SEX-FACES TIME! Although not before an intoduction by Tess dubbing this “Scary Spotlight Time”, making it sound a bit like she’s about to waterboard everyone.
I know. Fewer and fewer by the week. *sigh*. Our first couple in the dance-off is
this one. Which means that we’re not even 10 minutes into the Results Show and we already know who’s getting eliminated. Such is the TENSION AND EXCITEMENT that only the dance-off can provide. Although if you didn’t know that Michael was leaving from all the goodbye speeches during the Performance Show then more fool you anyway. Tess asks Len if he thinks Michael is in the dance-off because of his (according to Len) poor hip action, and Len says it is, and that is no doubt because Samba is a VERY DIFFICULT DAHNCE TO DO. He advises Michael to CAHM AHT in the dance-off. Otherwise they won’t have much of an ending. Maybe Nicky could just do his Argentine Tango twice, and Camilla Dallerup could spontaneously become pregnant.
TAKE THAT MIDDLETON!
Up to Claud 9 and
it’s looking very empty this week, with fewer couples for Claudia to goose. It’s just these two – the Final Two most likely to cause Internet arguments. And therefore the Final Two OF MY DREAMS. (Not really – I will never have the Johnny Ball vs Fern Britton final of MY dreams…) Claudia beams that both couples look very happy. Which is to say the women look very happy, Louis is as flat-faced as ever, and Robin
is straining so hard to look excited that he’s starting to go a bit “Prince Phillip during the Royal Flotilla” and give himself a bladder infection. Claudia then tells Louis that Saturday Night was HIS NIGHT. Yes, it certainly was scripted that way. Louis says he’s so pleased to make it through to next week and Flavia goes
SO Camilla round the eyes I briefly worry that she might abandon Louis altogether for Nicky Byrne, leaving Louis to dance with Iveta, and therefore probably get eliminated next week. Somehow. Now there would be a case of “Immovable Object vs Irresistable Force”. Louis just say he’s glad that he improved and was able to give the judges what they wanted. Claudia then swings round to Lisa and tells her that Craig believes that she has the most “extraordinary energy”. So does elephant poo when you burn it Claudia. It’s not saying much. Lisa grins that she LOVES THE QUICKSTEP and everyone congratulates Robin on beating his “jinx” (/natural limitation of his abilities as a pro and choreographer). Claudia suggests we celebrate Robin outperforming his stint with a sexagenarain psychotic with a JLS PERFORMANCE! THEY’VE WON MOBOS AND EVERYTHING!
Well at least they’re not asking me how it feels to be the hottest girl in the world right now. I always found that very confusing. This song on the other hand, is a right Upbeat Ballid of a Ballid. So Upbeat Ballidy, that I briefly check my desk calendar halfway through to make sure I’ve not missed Mothers Day.
This one’s still hot though, even not at his best. That is literally all that can be said about that JLS performance. Erm… I guess I’m glad Angel from Big Brother 10
isn’t struggling for work?
The End. STROKE that beard Oritse. STROKE IT!
Once they’ve been put back in their box, it’s time for LEN’S GLANS, with the judges trooping on
Locomotion Style. Where’s Bruno? I can’t believe he’s not getting involved in this piece of juvenil…
oh, there he is. Also, what episode of Star Trek did Darcey beam in from? I keep expecting William Shatner’s face to cheekily emerge from the bottom of that dress/shorts/whatever. You can practically see her Uhuru. In her usual brief run through of actual, you know, DANCING, before we get to the judges all doing the YMCA in speedos (WITHOUT KNOWING THE CAMERAS ARE ON THEM OH MY GOD!!!!), Claudia becomes the 100th person to call Tracy “adorable” on air all series. She wins a free extra-value meal with fries for doing so.
We open our judge watch by looking at Len during Lisa’ quickstep. He is grinning like someone just told him that Chris Hollins’ win just got redcated. Len explains that he was smiling at Lisa’s efforts because she is “bubbly” and full of life and all that patronising guff. He then goes on to tell us that when he’s in the supermarket, people are always telling him that they love Lisa. SHE’S THE GREATEST FEMALE DANCER NEVER TO WIN! LEN SEZ SO! Claudia then ponders what Len might be buying in the supermarket. Probably porn.
We then relive Lisa flying head-first into the sofa.
The look of UTTER DISDAIN on the faces of the band are what really sells it to me. Claudia tries to claim that if anybody else fell over like Lisa did there, they’d collapse into tears and quite the series on the spot, whereas TROOPER LISA carried on regardless (/got a member of the props department fired after the show finished).
After this is done, we resolve Louis’ Charleston down to its base elements – stupid faces and flipping abaht. It’s like Strictly Homeopathy, it really is. We then see
Darcey and Bruno celebrate the fact that, having given Louis 10s, they won’t be mown down in the car-park by a marauding herd of ovary-voters, like the stampede scene from The Lion King. TOUGH LUCK CRAIG! Claudia takes Craig to task for not scoring Louis properly like the other judges did, giving him a MEAN OLD 8! Craig is clearly as bored of this storyline as I am, and flagrantly lies that this is two marks higher than he’s ever given Louis before. I mean…I don’t even need to pull out the spreadsheets for that one do I? No? Good.
As if to counterpoint this, we then move on immediately to the dance that Craig DID give his highest score of the night – Kimberley’s alright jive. Craig tells us that what he loved about it was just how SYNCHRONISED it was.
SO IN SYNC THROUGHOUT. He couldn’t NOT give it a 9. Bruno hops in to back Craig up on this matter, because Craig is talking about a pretty woman and let’s face it, Bruno has a type. As we’re talking about Kimberley’s Jive, of course effing “Jive Bunny” has to put in an appearance.
I swear there was not as much Jive Bunny in the ENTIRE 80S as there has been in these two episodes of Strictly Come Dancing. All because Pasha got a bit drunk one night and decided that he didn’t CARE what was inside the costume one night, he just wanted it. And he’s been paying for it ever since.
We close by being reminded of Bruno playing around with the blue head-dress and then “hilariously” and “spontaneously” “falling over” but frankly that head-dress is owned by Natalie Lowe, and I can’t stand to see anybody else make it his play-thing, even only for one VT.
What I always have time for?
SAFETY SEX-FACES! This leaves us with a non-Bottom Two Bottom Two of Kimberley & Pasha and Nicky & Karen. Which means they are officially twisting Kimberley for all she’s worth at this point. Naturally it’s working because she’s producing faces worthy of
A Streetcar Named Pasha. She has ALWAYS RELIED ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS (to keep voting for her to stay in). Happily, she’s not ACTUALLY in the ACTUAL Bottom 2, that’s left for these two.
The latest victims of the public’s complete and utter disinterest in seeing Argentine Tangos performed by anybody on this show, ever, if they’re not Mark Ramprakash. Colin Salmon might have fooled them once by using the same music and having Kristina’s foof cover his face for most of the dance, but they’re not going to get fooled again. Tess asks Craig what more Nicky can do to survive the dance-off, and Craig says that he has to seduce Karen more and be aggressive and stompy less. Maybe Karen likes it rough Craig? Did you think of that? NO! NO YOU DID NOT!
Back up to Claud 9 now, with our three newest saved couples
who are all pretty pleased. Claudia approaches Tracy & Vincent first, and adds “dark puppies” and “dark hamsters” to their already nauseating trail of epithets. She congratulates them on just “schnooking in” every week (from their highly perilous position of second on the leaderboard every sodding week) and then Tracy
stares right down the camera and thanks us all for loving her. Vincent tells us that people in the street shout at them, because they’re so tiny that they think they’re really far away. I know I’ve complained about all the jokes about his accent, but it REALLY does sound like he’s saying “shite at us”. And I am only human. James is next asked if he’s ever blanked live on national television before.
James says he’s never blanked live on national television before. At least not on Strictly. Nuff said. Denise thanks James for not making out like she’d gone wrong, as he so easily could have done. Mmm hmmm.
We close with Kimberley
still on a bit of a contact high, pledging that she will DEFINITELY score more than 34 next week. DEFINITELY. She will step it up and SHOW EVERYBODY WHAT SHE’S MADE OF. NEXT WEEK IS HER TIME! IT’S KIMBERLEY’S TIME TO SHINE! Is it wrong to kind of hope she still gets 34? Especially as the script fairly clearly at this point is indicating that it will be Tracy’s “Time To Shine” and Kimberley’s “Time To Finish About Fourth Again”. Claudia suggests that Kimberely try to score 49. Briefly I am afraid that there will be an extra judge. Fortunately, they’re not doing that mess again.
GAY PORN DECLAN DONNELLY! He’s singing “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”. I have no earthly idea why. Of all the artists to sing operatically, “Simon & Garfunkel” aren’t really the first to spring to mind. He’s joined by
Artem & Aliona dancing the rumba like they’re on fast-forward. Never before has this section felt quite so much like someone threw darts at a board. Next week – Tinie Tempah sings “Big Yellow Taxi” whilst James & Ola do an Argentine Tango.
Well he’s just peaked.
Maybe this is all in tribute to our next section, which is an opportunity for Len to introduce us gently to the idea of the Dance Fusion.
To be honest, I think I needed a less horrific image to bring me round to the concept. Anyway, this is just the latest thing the show is nicking from Dancing With The Stars, replacing the last thing they nicked from Dancing With The Stars – The Swingamajig, which failed horribly. The idea is that you take two dances that are ENTIRELY DIFFERENT IN CHARACTER and then mash them together into one routine, to one piece of music. Here’s how they did it on Dancing With The Stars.
And that was an All-Stars series. Doesn’t bode well does it?
And so it is that we face our dance-off. If nothing else, it allows us to appreciate Natalie’s head-dress in all its glory.
Bask in it.
Anyway, Claudia reminds Michael that he said beating Victoria Pendleton into a raw bloody pulp in the dance-off was his personal highlight of the series so far. And I’m sure many of you at home agreed. Michael says that it’s different this week, because he’s up against his good buddy Nicky, whereas nobody could stand PENDLEDRAMA’S whiny ass. I’m paraphrasing here. Claudia asks Nicky what it feels like to be in the Bottom Two again, now that the judges can’t save him by throwing 36 marks at him, because they’ve got another Charleston to overmark (/ENTIRELY FAIRLY REWARD FOR ALL THE EFFORT THAT WENT INTO IT) and he too says it’s so difficult being there against his BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD Michael.
Doesn’t stop him burying the fecker though. It’s for the best really.
Craig saves Nicky for giving a SENSATIONAL performance the second time around, Darcey saves him for raising his game that little bit more than Michael did, and Bruno saves him for having a LICENCE TO THRILL! (Way to telegraph it Bruno). Len says that he too would have saved Nicky & Karen OF COURSE after that dance-off performance. Wow. They’re almost making me wish I watched the dance-off (LOL NOT REALLY). Nicky & Karen hug goodbye to Michael & Natalie, with Natalie telling Karen that she’s so proud of her for beating her. Like the big weird she is.
And so it is that Michael & Natalie say goodbye, with Michael making a good job of remembering to thank everyone connected to the show and Natalie makes a good job of stumbling around being incredibly gushy.
Bless her. We’ll always have Wembley.
the suicide watch continues.